


When James met Lily

by BlickScondiblick



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Wolfstar, Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Marauders' Era, Slow Burn, and some chapters have blood mentions, it may be a bit violent at times, it's mostly jily, just in case this triggers anyone, there are also description of anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 13:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 114,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14379609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlickScondiblick/pseuds/BlickScondiblick
Summary: Years of playing pranks, overcoming obstacles, fighting a war, falling in love and growing up. If only it were that easy.





	1. Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first fic and english isn't my native language, so i would love to have some reviews, to help me improve everything!! hope you enjoy it!!

James only knew one thing. He was not afraid.

When he ran around the school grounds in his stag form, only guided by the moonlight and familiar shapes of his dearest friends, the very notion of danger disappeared.

There was nothing more reassuring than the slight thud of his hooves on the dirt, and the warm and powerful energy that exuded from Padfoot. This sense of community and friendship stronger than words overwhelmed him with gratitude.

In these moments, he felt so free.

This feeling could only be compared to flying, that thrill going through his entire body from the moment he kicked the ground to the moment he landed. It was an indescribable sensation, pure joy mixed with the speed, the height, the cheering of the crowd. Freedom tasted delicious.

He cherished these moments. He loved every second of their monthly excursions.

He could not imagine ever feeling scared again.

 

 

 

James only knew one thing. He was very much afraid.

A minute earlier, Lily Evans had sat next to Remus at the lunch table and James had choked on his eggs when she had glanced in his direction.

Lily Evans. Had there ever been a dreamier name? In James' opinion, it was unequivocal.

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever laid his eyes on, but somehow, that wasn't the most attractive about her. She was the only person in Hogwarts who dared to say no to him, apart from Sirius. And that, that more than anything was the reason why he couldn't get her out of his head.

That, along with her long auburn hair cascading in waves down to the small of her back. That, and her ocean green eyes, that stared always a little deeper into James' soul.

“Prongs! When you will be done eye-balling Evans we would be honoured to have your opinion on the subject at hand.” Sirius snapped, loud enough for Lily to hear.

James wiped his sweaty palms on his robes under the table before ruffling his hair with a sigh. He shot a discreet glance towards Lily. She was listening to her friends' conversation and smiling to herself but nothing in her behaviour showed that she might have heard Sirius.

“I was not eye-balling _Evans_ ,” mumbled James. “I was waiting to see if she was done with the turkey.”

“Right...” said Remus with a smile.

“I was!” James tried to look offended. “HEY EVANS!”

In his attempt to keep his confident façade in front of his friend, he spoke much louder than needed and a couple dozen heads at the Gryffindor table turned to him.

Lily swept a hand in her fiery hair in a perfect imitation of James that made the rest of the Marauders laugh, before turning in his direction with a smile.

“Well _that_ was louder than necessary Potter. Are you trying to get everyone in the Great Hall to notice your fat head or are you so blind that you can't tell I'm  only three feet from you?”

Peter looked shocked,  and  Sirius tried to hide his smile under his long black hair until Remus kicked him under the table. James  froze for a second, unsure of what to say as he felt a rush of blood in his cheeks. He  rumpled up his hair unconsciously, making it even messier than it had been, and shook his head in disbelief.

“I was only trying to get the turkey, but if you're gonna be like that don't even bother,” he said quietly as he grabbed his school bag and got up.

He stormed out of the Great Hall, paying no attention to to the silence that followed the exchange, nor to the precipitated footsteps of his friends trying to catch up to him.

He didn't know where he was going, but he sure as hell was going  somewhere . His  face was flushed with  anger and humiliation  and some other feeling he could not comprehend.  Fists and teeth clenched,  h e proceeded to climb the first staircase he saw while making as much noise as possible.  H e didn't know why he was so upset.  It was ridiculous after all, to make such a big deal out of an interaction so small. It was ridiculous after all, to care so much about Lily, and her hair, and her voice and her words.

His nails were digging in his palms and his heart was beating out of his chest.

He punched a tapestry hiding a corridor, drawing a few wrathful looks from the paintings around him, before finally slowing down to let his friends catch up to him. This part of the castle was empty at this time of day, so he leaned against a wall before letting himself slide all the way to the floor.

The Marauders approached him, Peter out of breath from running so fast and Remus with his hand on the small of Sirius's back.

“She hates me.” James' voice sounded weaker than he intended it to, and for a second he hated himself for it.

“Nah she doesn't,” said Peter softly, but the pity in his eyes was all James' needed to see to understand the emptiness behind his words.

James turned to Sirius, hoping  for comfort or perhaps an ounce of compassion .

“Yeah, she does, mate. Sorry.”

James made a face at him. There was no one in the world he loved more than Sirius, and he would die for him without a second of hesitation, but he had to admit that his friend's brutal honesty was not one of his best traits.

Each second that passed his heart sank lower in his chest. He worried for a second he was going to forget how to breathe. He desperately needed confirmation that no, Lily did not in fact hate him. He needed to hear it from someone else than the little voice in his head, growing quieter and quieter.

“Moony?”

Remus looked pale and tired next to handsome and haughty Sirius. He avoided James' eyes for a few seconds before shaking his head.

“She might not hate you but I don't think she likes you very much.”

James forgot how to breathe. Remus never said anything he hadn't thought over carefully in his head. He was kind and considerate, and knew the value and importance of words. He could read people and their emotions with an ease that impressed all of his friends. And he was close to Lily.

There was no way he could be wrong.

Remus sat down next to James and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, while Sirius sat in front of them, crossed legged in the middle of the hallway.

“You haven't been the most... tactful with her, to say the least,” Remus continued. “And from what I got from her friends, she thinks you're an arrogant prick.”

James buried his head in his hands  and grunted. 

“Her words not mine,” said Remus apologetically. “But see, here's the thing: she's wrong.”

“Is she?” James muttered, his face still hidden.

“Fuck yeah, mate!” said Sirius with a smile. “Couldn't be wronger.”

Remus shot a severe glance at Sirius. Over the years, the two of them had perfected the art of communicating wordlessly, and they would now have full conversations in complete silence. Sirius answered with a rude hand gesture that made Peter giggle.

The sound caused James to lift up his head and look at his best friends. His eyes were a little bit red but no one dared to comment on it.

“She _is_ wrong,” Remus said. “You are an amazing friend, you are brave and you always stand up for any one of us when we need you. You are one hell of a talented Quidditch player, so you're allowed to brag about it from time to time. You're funny, like maybe twice a year, it's more than _she_ can say... Ouch!”

James had punched his friend in the shoulder and his smile was back.

“Excuse you, I am funny all the time!”

“Don't give yourself too much credit,” Sirius shrugged. “You steal ninety percent of all my jokes.”

“Oh please, that was _one time_ , will you ever let me live it down?”

“Never.”

Remus and Peter laughed wholeheartedly. Listening to James and Sirius bicker was one of their favourite things to do.

“Besides, James,” Remus said once he stopped laughing. “The way she talked to you back there was not abnormal for her at all. That's just how you two have been communicating since first year! So if you want my professional opinion, just be more gentle with her next time, and try not yelling her name for everyone on a sixty miles radius to hear. Try something more along the lines of smiling at her and holding a normal conversation for more than five minutes. You are a great guy and your heart is pure, she is bound to see that.”

James stared at him, looking a bit defeated.

“Are you sure it's gonna work?”

Sirius and Remus glanced at each other before replying at the same time:

“It will.”


	2. Dream

The few weeks that followed were a blur for James. Despite it being ridiculously early in the school year, the teachers went on and on about their upcoming OWLs and homework was piling up dangerously.

James, who never once paid attention in class before, at time found himself taking notes in Transfiguration, or absentmindedly practicing charms on ink bottles. It seemed as though every fifth year in the school was suddenly hit by the realization that exams were coming, and that there would be no mercy for slackers.

Quidditch practice and Moony's furry little problem became the only times James could escape the atmosphere of frantic studying in the castle.

It took a little while for James to realize what he really needed to escape from, what he had been feeling, and why he had been feeling that way.

 

He was lonely.

 

And of course his friends were always by his side: The Marauders never split up. And of course he loved them all and they were all he needed in his life ever.

But things had changed between them.

Slowly, imperceptibly at first. Moony was always Moony, focused, driven and loving. Padfoot was always Padfoot, beautiful, haughty and always bored out of his mind. And Wormy was and would always stay the most faithful, loyal friend James ever had.

The changes were subtle. Sirius and Remus were closer. Sirius was happier.

When they all gathered around the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room to study, Remus sat closer to Sirius than he used to.  When they walked in the corridors from classroom to classroom, James sometimes glanced behind him to see them both quickly pretending that they weren't just holding hands.

And although he loved to see two of his best friends strengthen their bond, he couldn't help but feel ostracized. He wished to be included in this new and sudden friendship development. He knew it was incredibly selfish but he couldn't help feeling this way.

This jealousy kept him awake at night. He felt like he was losing them both.

Thank Merlin for Wormtail. Peter seemed to have notice that whatever was going on between Sirius and Remus was affecting James. So he spent more time with him, helping James with his homework, telling him about the next Hogsmeade visit, arguing about which team, of the Cannons or the Tornadoes, was the best. A few times, he even stayed up all night writing Jame's essays, while James went for a nocturnal flight around the castle's grounds.

James truly didn't know what he would be if it wasn't for Wormy.

 

He saw Lily from times to times during the meals and in class but that was it. She preferred to study in the library and James preferred to pretend he was allergic to books. They were from two different worlds. But James couldn't stop thinking about her. Because at night, when he laid awake in his bed, listening to the gentle snoring of the best friends he thought he was losing, his thoughts always came back to Lily.

He had a crush on her for as long as he could remember.

He often dreamed about the first time they met, on the Howgarts Express. He often wished he could go back to that day and do it all over again, differently this time.

 

He had just met Sirius on the platform, and instantly liked his rugged looks and careless attitude. He lingered in his mother's hug and could still smell her perfume when he opened the door to the compartment.

She was already there and she was beautiful. Her eyes were red, she had been crying, but it only made her look more strong. She only glanced in their direction before looking back out of the window. Eleven year-old James had been starstruck and a young Sirius had to nudge him to get him to stop blocking the doorway.

Completely oblivious to the girl's charm, Sirius sat down in the opposite corner of her and motioned the seat in front of him, inviting James to sit down.

James's mind was racing as he settled himself in front of his new friend, but only one thought came back over and over in his head.

_She needs to think I'm cool._

He ruffled up his hair his mother had flattened and propped up a foot on his seat, trying (and somewhat failing) to emulate the relaxed energy of Sirius. Struggling not to look in the girl's direction, he proceeded to start a loud conversation bragging about his father's business. Anything to get her attention, anything to make himself look more interesting than he actually was.

 

After a few minutes, the compartment door slid open and a small, sallow boy sat down in front of the red headed girl.

“I don't want to talk to you.”

James froze for a second at the words and at the girl's lofty voice but kept on talking, turning his back to the strange pair, focusing his entire attention on listening to the conversation.

“Why not?”

“Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore.”

James's curiosity grew. Not at the mention of Dumbledore's letter, but at the use of the “we”. Could this disgusting looking boy be her boyfriend? Immediately, he felt nothing but animosity for the newcomer.

“But we're going!”

Even his voice was annoying.

“This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!”

There was a pause during which the girl did not answer and it took everything James had to not turn around and look in her direction to see what she was doing.

“You'd better be in Slytherin,” the boy continued, and it was the last straw for James.

“Slytherin?” He repeated with a smile, turning towards the two by the window, “Who wants to be in Slytherin?”

He turned to Sirius, hoping to get his approval.

“I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?”

Sirius did not smile.

“My whole family have been in Slytherin,” he said.

James felt his heart skip a beat but he couldn't lose face in front of the girl, so he brushed it off.

“Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!”

His new friend grinned and James let out a silent sigh of relief.

“Maybe I'll break the tradition,” Sirius continued. “Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?”

James did not hesitate, and gestured lifting a sword above his head.

“ _Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!_ Like my dad.”

Gryffindor was where he always hoped to be. It was the best house according to his parents, and his bedroom was decorated with red and gold ever since he was born. It wasn't much of a choice really, the other options might as well be nonexistent.

The sallow boy made a small sound of disapproval and James felt irritation rise in him. He really really disliked this caricature of a child.

“Got a problem with that?” He said, more brutally than he would have if the girl wasn't here.

“No, if you'd rather be brawny than brainy..”

James's eyebrows rose with surprise and anger, but Sirius was faster than him:

“Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?”

The frustration and irritation built up in James melted away at Sirius's comeback, and he let out a sincere laugh. He really really liked that boy.

In his hilarity, he didn't notice the girl had stood up and was looking at them in dislike.

“Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment.”

James stopped laughing immediately and watched them leave, disheartened. He probably could have handle that better.

 

Present-day James woke up shivering. He had kicked his blanket out of his bed, in the frustration his nightmare provoked. He was tired of dreaming of this day over and over again, reliving his mistakes, his own arrogance and awkwardness.

For four years, he had loved the same girl. For four years, he had ruined everything with her.

James swallowed his pride and cried silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this isn't too uneventful, but next chapter should be coming soon! hope you like it! plz comment on what you want to see more of, or less of!


	3. Dinner

That morning, James woke up with a heavy heart. Finally pinpointing what he had been feeling meant he couldn't ignore it anymore. He had to address it head on, and he knew it, and it scared him.

He was ashamed about crying the night before. He knew for sure no one heard him, because his friends would definitely have confronted him about it, had they known. But he still felt weak.

There were days when he felt he couldn't be further away from the little boy so certain to belong in Gryffindor. There were days he felt like he shared nothing with his younger self. Except maybe a body, and memories.

He had lost the confidence, the arrogance. But what remained was his sense of self, and his need to maintain his image.

So he slapped a self-assured smile on his face, ruffled up his hair and ran down the dormitory staircase to the common room where his best friends were waiting for him. He tried not to notice that Sirius was standing very close to Remus, buried his jealousy deep down for the moment and began to lead the group to the Great Hall for breakfast.

What he had not anticipated was stumbling on Lily as soon as he slid through the portrait hole leading the corridor.

She was alone, which did not happen often, and James figured her mind must have been elsewhere considering she only noticed him after bumping into him.

“Oh sorry”, she blurred out, a second before recognizing the familiar face. “Oh it's you.”

James opened his mouth to say something, but remembered their confrontation from weeks earlier and the fact that they hadn't spoken to each other since. He remembered his dream and the past four years, and decided to not tease her today.

“I'm sorry,” he said really fast, before walking away as fast as he could without looking like he was running. He had left his friends behind once again but he figured they would understand why. They always all understood the “Evans' Crisis”, as Sirius liked to call it.

He waited for them at the turn of a corridor, and surely enough they all had smiles up to their ears when they caught up to him.

“So...??”

“Did you talk to her?”

“What did she say?”

James rose his eyebrows and faked confusion.

“Who?”

Sirius laughed and punched his shoulder.

“The girl you are madly in love with and won't shut up about. Ever.”

“Oh, her? She was here?” James turned around, pretending to look around. “Must have missed her, sorry guys.”

“Prongs, you really are the worst liar.” said Remus, shaking his head.

“She looked rather confused while entering the common room, I hope you didn't accidentally propose or something.”

“Haha. I am chocking with laughter Peter,” James said with a perfectly straight face, “besides, I already asked her out three times, which is a perfectly healthy and normal amount of times to be rejected, so I'm not looking to increase the number just yet.”

He had indeed been rejected by Lily three times before. But what he kept telling himself was that each one of those failed attempts was caused by peer pressure, and phrased as jokes. Nothing heartfelt or even sincere. Just lighthearted banter. So his dignity was safe.

“You're right James, let's keep it at three for now, until Sirius and I teach you how to properly talk to women.” Remus said, while Sirius roared with laughter.

James's heart tightened in his chest. Was this a private joke? Did his friends talk about him and his awkwardness around Lily when he was not around? His head started to spin and he knew he was overreacting. It was just an innocent joke.

“I'm hungry,” he said coldly.

“You're always hungry,” retorted Remus before following him down the corridor.

 

At the breakfast table, James sat next to Peter while Sirius and Remus sat in front of them. They were all laughing about something Sirius had said, but James was distracted. He was dutifully crushing his already scrambled eggs under his fork when he heard something that made him raise his head.

“Are we talking about Snivellus?”

“We have been for the past ten minutes Prongs, keep up,” snorted Peter. “He knows something's up with Moony.”

“What?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.

“You seriously need to get Evans out of your mind for a solid minute and focus on what really matters. Pranks. Making Snivellus feel bad about his greasy face. Quidditch. More pranks.”

James made a very serious face.

“You are so right. I can't believe I've been so blind to this world of fun. Evans is forgotten forever.”

“That's what I like to hear!”

James laughed before lowering his voice drastically.

“Now catch me up. Snivellus knows about..”

He didn't finish his sentence but gestured vaguely in Remus' direction. Remus rolled his eyes, a habit he picked up from Sirius, and answered in a similar ton of voice:

“Padfoot seems to thinks so, but you know him, he'd say anything to get us to pick on Severus.”

Sirius let out a sound of indignation.

“Excuse you, I know what I saw! And I'm not saying we need to pick on him, I'm saying we need to scare him enough for him to stop digging into holes that don't belong to him.”

“Firstly, I don't think that's the saying Padfoot. Secondly, no. Thirdly, I'm a prefect, so definitely no. And lastly, what exactly did you see that could make you think that?”

Sirius smiled and leaned forward, inviting his friends to do the same. He took his time before starting his story, making it more dramatic and suspenseful than needed, in typical Sirius fashion. Intrigued, James had totally forgotten about his eggs, and even Lily was far on the back of his mind.

“The year was 1975. In Britain, in a huge beautiful magical castle..”

He was interrupted by a slap on the back of the head coming from Remus, who was looking at him with a mix of fondness and exasperation.

“Can you get to the point, please and thank you? We have classes to attend, we don't have all day.”

“Fine. Your loss, I'm a great storyteller when I'm not rushed,” Sirius grumbled. “Last night when I was coming back from... well it doesn't matter, I was coming back to the common room late at night and guess who I saw sulking in the shadows in front of our very own Fat Lady? Snivellus himself. Of course, as soon as he saw me he tried to pretend like he wasn't here to spy on who was coming and going from the Gryffindor common room and tried to leave. So when he walked past me I may or may not have - Remus close your ears - tripped him. Everything he was carrying fell on the floor, and I managed to catch a glimpse of his notebook. And I swear to Merlin this is true, but he is keeping a calendar of the moon cycle. Knowing what I know about our dearest Moony here, I don't need to be a genius to understand why this slithering snake was outside the Gryffindor tower with a calendar of the moon cycle.”

The group remained silent for a few seconds, processing the information, and trying to come up with a better explanation as to what the hell Severus was doing. It was Remus who broke the silence first.

“Do you think he's gonna tell anyone?”

Peter snorted.

“Do you really expect him not to? Have you met him? Have you met his friends? Sorry Moony, but I wouldn't count on it if I were you.”

Remus put his elbows on the table and his face in his hands. The next full moon was a week away and he was pale and skinny. He looked defeated. Sirius placed a protective arm around his shoulders and for once James was glad those two got closer. Remus needed all the support he could get from his friends in this moment.

“I knew this day would come, we couldn't have kept it up forever. But I don't want to leave Hogwarts. I... I don't want to leave you guys.”

“Hey, it's not over yet! There's gotta be something we can do to prevent him from outing you!” James started thinking out loud. “Dumbledore is on our side anyways, and so is McGonagall. But we don't have to run to them just yet if we could simply convince Snivellus that Moony is definitely not a werewolf. Feed him made up proof. If he really is as dumb as he looks it won't be difficult.”

Sirius kicked him under the table.

“Keep your voice down,” he whispered. “And don't say the W-word out loud, you never know who could be listening. Besides, I have a great plan to scare his dirty pants off him, don't you worry Moony, he won't bother us after this.”

Both James and Remus frowned, while Peter nodded in approval of Sirius' mystery plan.

“Padfoot, I think you're forgetting something,” said James. “Snivellus is Lily's friend and there is no way I'm risking her hating me over another one of your pranks.”

“I thought I told you to forget about Evans! Merlin you really must be madly in love if you're choosing her over me and my master prank.”

“Shut up, I'm not..”

“I'm not hungry anymore.”

Remus had pushed away his plate and stood up. In the flickering light of the magic ceiling, he looked way older than he was. Sirius leaped on his feet and joined him as he walked away from the Gryffindor table.

Peter and James looked at them leave then exchanged a meaningful glance.

This was going to be a difficult year.


	4. Quidditch

James woke up with a jolt. Quidditch practice. He was late for Quidditch practice. Slapping his glasses on his face, he got up in one smooth movement, suddenly very awake. He swiftly put on the first robe he laid his hand on, stuck his wand in his unruly hair and sprinted across the room, past Peter's closed curtains, to get his broom from his trunk.

Alice was going to kill him, he had been late to every single practice since the beginning of the year, mostly because of detentions, but also from oversleeping. Pausing in front of Sirius and Remus' empty beds, he wondered why his friends didn't wake him up before leaving for breakfast. Half a second later, he decided that none of that would matter if his team _actually_ killed him and started running as if his life depended on it.

He arrived panting on the pitch five minutes later. His team was already up in the air, but stationing in a circle around the captain, Alice. He kicked the ground and as his broom elevated in the air he tried to integrate the circle silently. But trying to not being noticed was going against his very nature so he was not surprised when he failed.

“Oh how nice of you to finally grace us with your presence Potter,” said Alice with a smile while throwing the quaffle directly towards his face.

James caught it at the last possible second and snorted.

“You wankers can't do anything without me.”

Alice laughed and adjusted her bun while the others grunted around them.

“You know, I would hex you if you weren't so right. Alvarez, McKinnon, I'm sorry to say but you need to step up your game. If even this hard-head can score five goals a game, you can too. Oh and by the way Herby, I meant to talk to you about some new seeker techniques my cousin told me about.”

Glad to have somewhat gotten away with oversleeping, James beamed at his team, who all returned his smile. They all loved him and he loved them. Alice was strict and demanding, and he was the perfect balance to her, making jokes when he felt like the team was too tense, or pretending to sleep on his broom when practice was too slow. However seriously he took Quidditch, it was always necessary for him to keep it associated with lighthearted fun.

They were to play against Slytherin the following weekend and Alice was very obviously agitated. Still in the center of the group, she was talking really fast and with a lot of hand gestures.

“Ravenclaw won their game against Hufflepuff two hundred to forty, which means they are better than last year because the Hufflepuff's team is really good, so we need to not only beat Slytherin next week, we need to beat them with a margin, in order to...”

“How about we play instead of freezing on our brooms?” said James loudly, throwing the quaffle back to her.

It was a sunny Sunday morning and although no clouds were to be seen, the cold November air was stinging. James rubbed his hands together and blew hot air on them while making puppy eyes to Alice.

“Merlin Potter, you know I can't stand you when you make that stupid face. Come on people, let's go! To your positions, let's get warmed up!”

James smiled as he shot upwards.  Flying felt so good. It was like his natural element, and the broom was just an extension of his body. He took a few seconds to loop around and practice sharp turns, feeling the wind on his face and in his hair, and he laughed like an idiot. It was as if he had left all of his problems on the ground before taking off. He felt so much lighter.

Getting his head back in the game, he dived to the ground and caught the quaffle Alvarez had dropped, before shooting back upwards, zigzagging between the other chasers and scoring in the back a confused keeper.

Alice looked a mix of proud and exasperated.

“Potter! Don't forget you have teammates please!”

“I have what now?”

Alice  rolled her eyes and  threw her hands in the air,  seemingly giving up in ever teaching him anything. James laughed and looped to celebrate his goal.

H alf an hour later, as James was chasing one of the beaters around the pitch for throwing a bludger too close to him, he noticed Sirius and Remus getting settled in the stands. He waved at them enthusiastically and Remus waved back while Sirius answered with a rude gesture  and a smile.

C ertain things would always be the same.

They were quickly rejoined by Peter, who still had bed hair and squinted in the sun. The three boys  had their fun booing James anytime he passed by them, and cheering and clapping all the other players.

J ames got them back by throwing the quaffle  to them as hard as he could, missing the top of Peter's head by  barely an inch. The quaffle was picked up by Lily, who he hadn't noticed,  sat  behind the boys with her blonde friend.  She was  probably here to cheer on Marlene,  but James only saw this as an opportunity to show off.

He hoovered over her as she held out the quaffle for him and their fingers touched when he took it from her. James tried not to think about the shiver running down his spine.

“Thank you Evans,” he said softly, avoiding her beautiful green eyes.

“You're quite welcome Potter, but aim better next time.”

“I promise.”

Peter, Remus and Sirius whistled and catcalled him as he returned to the center of the pitch but he paid no attention to them. Lily was here, he had to behave. Be exemplary but exceptional.

“Next time make sure your flirting session doesn't interfere with our flying schedule,” said Alice mockingly, taking the quaffle back from him.

James frowned and felt himself blush. The stands were too far away for the spectators to have heard the comment, but Marlene definitely had and was giggling to herself. There was no doubt she was going to tell Lily about what Alice had said.

“Flirting? Please, it's called pure charisma and natural charm. Makes all the ladies faint.”

“Alright ladies-man, put the charisma away and take out flying skill, I'm trying to lead a team here.”

“Ay Captain.”

Using the sound his friends made as an excuse to turn to the stands, he watched Lily tuck a strand of her red wavy hair behind her ear, and he decided today was the day he would impress her.

He took up a little speed and a little height, and, using the technique Alice had been so desperate for him to try, he dived straight down to Alvarez, taking the quaffle from his hands effortlessly, and aimed for the hooped goal the furthest from him. Not expecting it, the keeper had precipitated towards the other goal, and he scored easily.

“I gotta say Potter, maybe Evans should come see practice more often, if it's what it takes for you to learn discipline.”

“Shut it Alice.”

“Ay Captain.”

Risking a glance in Lily's direction, James saw her talking and laughing with Remus without paying any attention to what was going on in the pitch. His shoulders dropped in disappointment. But then he ruffled up his hair unconsciously and told himself that it was okay, that he could do that again and he could do it even better.

He started trailing Marlene, who was holding the quaffle, copying each of her movements with fluidity, then flying below her before spiking up, cutting her trajectory. Startled, Marlene dropped the quaffle to grab her broom in an attempt to avoid crashing into James, who was already gone and plunging towards the ball at high speed. Holding out his arms in front of him and just using his legs to maintain himself on his broom, he managed to catch the quaffle just before it hit the ground.

However, what had completely slipped off his mind was slowing down. He crashed into the lawn face first, having just enough lucidity to slightly tilt his expensive broom to the left, saving it from completely breaking apart on the ground.

He hadn't manage to save his nose though. He had heard it crack distinctively, and he could feel his own warm blood running down his face and neck.

Looking up at the stands, he saw with a bit of a flutter in his stomach that Lily had stood up and was grasping at Remus' shoulder with a terrified look on her face. The Marauders didn't look proud either, Peter was covering his eyes, refusing to look down, and Sirius, forgetting all dignity, was covering his open mouth with both of his hands.

James took upon himself to reassure them all, by pressing his hands on his nose, covering them with blood, then holding them out for them all to see.

“RED FOR GRYFFINDOR!”

Alice landed roughly next to him.

“Potter you're a bloody idiot. I take back what I said, I don't want Evans here ever again because you're gonna get yourself killed by trying too hard to be noticed one day.”

James grinned at her, unfazed. He had nothing smart to answer to her, but he didn't care. Lily had been worried about him. Nothing could bring down his mood now.

“Tergeo,” said Alice with a flick of her wand, cleaning off the blood from James' hands and face.

“Hey that's such a useful spell, how did you..”

“Episkey.”

James felt his broken nose move under his skin, and repair itself painlessly.

“Oh I know that one well, ain't the first time someone's used it on me, I should probably learn it for myself.”

“Probably,” shrugged Alice. “I won't always be there to pick you up when you fall flat in front of Evans.”

“How did you learn how to do this anyway?”

“I wanted to be a Healer until fifth year,” she said, before anticipating James' second question and pointing his wand towards him. “Now I want to be an Auror, so I know a lot more harmful spells, in case you were planning on opening your mouth again. Now piss off to Madame Pomfrey before I hex you for ruining everyone's practice.”

“Love you too Alice!” James smiled, blowing a kiss in her direction as she mounted her broom and flew back to the team.

His friends were already waiting for him in the changing room and erupted in cheers and applause as soon as he walked through the door.

“Well done!”

“What a wonderful move, you'll have to teach me this summer!”

Remus ruffled up James' hair with affection, and Peter and Sirius high-fived him. James bowed to his admirers.

“I did what anyone would have done for a pretty girl.”

“False,” snorted Sirius. “You're the only one dumb enough to try breaking all the bones in your body for Evans.”

“Thank you, thank you,” said James, bowing once again.

The boys sat on the benches around the room while James changed. Sharing a dorm room with them meant they had already seen him naked more times than he could count, so he didn't mind it.

“What were you and Lily talking about, Moony?”

Remus held out his hand, looking at his nails nonchalantly, in a very Sirius like manner.

“Oh nothing very interesting, she just wanted to know if there was something between you and the team captain.”

James froze, balancing on one feet, trying to fit the other one into his shoe.

“She WHAT?”

“So I told her that nothing was going on at the moment but that you were definitely interested in Alice.”

“YOU WHAT?”


	5. Coming out

“I still don't understand why you would say something like that to my future wife.”

“It's a girl thing. Gotta play hard to get. She's gonna get jealous if she thinks you're moving on from her. As simple as that.”

“But what if she doesn't? Get jealous, I mean. What did she say when you told her? What face did she make? And more importantly since when do you know so much about girls?”

James had completely forgotten about his shoe, which laid abandoned on the floor. Learning about what Remus had said to Lily, he had sat on one of the benches, looking defeated. But Moony's arguments were starting to grow on him and he no longer hated the idea. He understood where Remus was coming from and the urge to punch him in the face had been absorbed by the shame he felt.

Because he still felt bad about it, even if the lie didn't come from him in the first place. It felt very petty, making up things to get Lily's attention and James was sure there were other ways she could notice him. But he decided to go along with it for a while and give it a try, because Remus' ideas always proved to be good and he trusted him more than anyone else.

“You gotta admit, it does look like you and Alice fancy each other.” said Sirius, stretching all of his length.

James looked revolted.

“Her? She's like my annoying older sister!” he protested, finally getting back to his shoe. “Besides, the day I get over Evans is the day I die.”

“We know,” sighed Peter.

 

On the way back to the castle, James, who was trailing behind Sirius and Remus with Peter, was suddenly overcome with a rush of anxiety. Lily had always liked Remus best out of all the Marauders. They had Study of Ancient Runes together and they sometimes shared notes and worked on assignments together. What if Remus was only trying to get James out of the way so he could date Lily? The more James thought about it, the more it made sense. He rarely ever talked to Remus one on one anymore, ever since him and Sirius got closer.

James felt a migraine coming. He couldn't start spiraling down that tunnel of paranoid thoughts. He was not that guy. He was relaxed, self-assured, loving and full of trust. He was not worried.

He chewed on his lip, maybe a little stronger than anticipated, and drew blood. So when Sirius turned around to check if his friends were still following, it was only to witness James licking the blood out of his lips absentmindedly.

“Prongs, can I talk to you for a minute?”

James didn't fail to notice Sirius sounded alarmed. Under other circumstances he would have reassured him right away, but this time anxiety was eating away at his stomach so he just shrugged.

“Yah mate.”

Peter did as Sirius motioned and hurried along to match Remus' pace while James and Sirius fell behind.

“Is it still about what Moony said? Because if you're worried it's not gonna work I can talk to Lily and take it back you know.”

James shook his head for an answer, afraid his nervousness would translate to his voice.

“What is it then?”

Sirius was not giving up, and James felt like a small pressure was taken from his shoulders knowing his best friend would always be there no matter what.

“Because I can tell something's off, you haven't open your mouth in over five minutes, that's gotta be some sort of record for you.”

Sirius came to a stop and his eyes widened as he seemed to realize something.

“Merlin, you don't have a concussion do you? I knew it, you hit your head so hard! We need to go to Madame Pomfrey right now.”

Sirius grabbed James's head and looked at it thoroughly, pretending to examine his skull for bruises. He knew very well James had had no intention of seeing the school nurse, who had promised him that if he came in with another Quidditch related injury she would ban him from sports all together.

“Piss off, I'm fine!”, ceded James, laughing and shoving his friend off him, “And you can't _see_ a concussion, Mother Hen.”

Sirius laughed with him and put his arm around his shoulders.

“I told Moony to summon your cloak and the map and go down to Honeydukes with Peter through the passage, so we could have a candy night.”

“Marvelous idea. What's the occasion?”

'Candy nights' were what they called the evenings they spent after raiding the candy shop. Evenings when they would stay up too late and plan out the future pranks they were going to pull. They had candy nights almost every week in second year, when they discovered the passageway leading from Gunhilda's statue to Honeydukes' cellar, but they became less frequent after the four of them realized they were starting to get a little sick of candies.

“We need to come up with something to scare Snivellus for good, and our brains work better at 3 in the morning and on sugar highs,” explained Sirius as they were climbing up the stairs to the boy's dormitories.

“Cheers.”

James crashed on his bed as soon as he passed the door to their rooms, but raised his head in confusion at the sound of the door locking loudly. Sirius was looking at him with a mischievous smile, his wand still pointing towards the door.

“So. Now that you can't escape the conversation, I expect you to tell me exactly what the hell has been going on with you lately.”

James grunted and closed the curtains of his bed with a flick of his wand. He hated to talk about his feelings. He rolled his eyes when the entire curtain rod fell on the floor, revealing a triumphant Sirius.

“You can't escape this Prongs. Talk to your best mate.”

Sirius climbed on the bed with James and sat crossed legged in front of him. His attitude was nonchalant as always, but he was clearly concerned and serious about wanting to listen. He was as loving as a Black could get, and although he couldn't always find the right words, his presence and willingness to help were reassuring to James.

“You are the worst person I've ever met. But fine.”

“Thank you, and I'm all ears.”

James struggled to organize his thoughts for a minute. He didn't really know where to start, everything was mixing up in his head. He chose to lead with what caused the biggest knot in his stomach.

“I'm worried about Moony.”

“We all are.”

“Do you want me to talk or not?” said James, punching his friend's shoulder. “Let me at least line up two sentences.”

“Sorry, sorry,” apologized Sirius, rubbing his shoulder, “Carry on.”

“I'm worried about Moony, and I keep thinking about Snivellus and what he might say, to who. He's hanging out with some really dangerous people, pureblood supremacists, people whose parents are involved in the war. The wrong side of the war. What if Moony is attacked one day? Each time he goes somewhere alone I can't help but worry. And I worry about Lily too, ever since the war broke out, muggleborns have been a target for slimy Slytherins, and she's got quite the temper on her. And if.. if something happened to her, or Remus..”

James sighed, and looked up at Sirius, who was nodding solemnly. He didn't realize how good it felt to confide in someone who probably had the same concerns as him.

“And I don't want to bring it up in front of Moony, because I know how much all of this weighs on him. He still thinks we're morons for the Animagus thing.”

Sirius used his wand to tie his black silky hair up in a bun, as he always did when he needed to focus. He took a small breath in, and James could tell he was thinking really hard about what he was going to say.

“I understand. And I'm worried too. But we'll find a solution like we always do. Besides, it's like you always say, if Evans likes Snivellus he can't be all evil, right? There's gotta be a part of humanity in him somewhere. I don't think he's gonna rush and tell the whole castle about Moony's furry little problem, at least not right now, as things are.”

James smiled and relaxed a little bit. Sirius was using his own arguments against him, the clever man. Indeed, as much as James hated Severus, the fact that Lily was his friend gave him the benefit of the doubt. At least for now.

“Reckon you're right.”

“I'm always right.”

“Wanker.”

“Dickhead.”

They smiled at each other. But despite his smile, Sirius's eyes still looked concerned.

“Is that everything?”

James frowned. No, it wasn't everything, it was just the beginning of a long list. But somehow the rest of his problems felt more personal and futile, and in a way more embarrassing to admit. He debated whether or not he should open up about them, but Sirius seemed to have read his mind.

“You know I won't make fun of you. You can talk to me.”

And maybe it was because he had already started confiding, or maybe it was Sirius's very rare solemnity, but James decided to tell him everything.

He told him how lonely he felt since his two best friends had grown closer. He told him about his fear of being excluded, forgotten. He told him about his dreams and his most frequent nightmares. His hands clenched into fists when he talked about how he felt Remus was trying to get him out of the way to date Lily. He told him how weak he felt sometimes, at night, when everyone else was sleeping.

And Sirius listened. He listened to every sentence, never looking away from James's face. He listened and he nodded encouragingly.

And when James finally stopped talking, Sirius leaned toward him and pulled him close for a hug. Confused at first, James gave in after a second and held him back, trying to put all of his gratitude and friendship and everything else he couldn't express into this hug.

When they parted, Sirius looked a little red but he was smiling shyly.

“I didn't know you felt this way. And I can't apologize enough for leaving you out. You're my best friend and you don't deserve to feel alone, not at Hogwarts, not when we're around.”

James waved a dismissive hand. He already felt so much better just talking about what had been stuck in his mind since the beginning of the year, and it meant the world to him that his friend had listened.

“It's okay, really. I'm actually happy you and Remus are getting along, he needs the support right now.”

“James...”

“What?”

“There's something I need to tell you. Something I could probably have told you sooner.”

“Well go on then.”

“It's... delicate.”

“You're delicate.”

“Piss off.”

James' smile faded when he looked up and saw Sirius's expression. He had rarely seen him looking so vulnerable. Long strands of black hair had started escaping his bun and he was avoiding James's eyes. He looked almost scared.

“Padfoot?”

“What?”

“It's okay. Whatever it is you need to tell me. It's okay.”

Sirius chuckled, but it sounded forced. James felt like an idiot, not knowing what to say, or what to expect.

“Just promise me you won't hate me after I tell you?”

“For Merlin's sake Padfoot, just say it!”

“Fine! Moony and I are seeing each other!” Sirius blurred out.

James started to laugh, thinking of a joke, but then he saw how apprehensive Sirius looked, and his laugh died. It wasn't a joke. Everything suddenly seemed to click in his head. Every conversation he was excluded of, the smiles shared when they thought no one looked, the whispers at night when they thought no one heard. And the hand holding, obviously the hand holding. As observant as James was, he had failed to link all the elements together the right way. He felt silly, but oh so happy.

Sirius misinterpreted James' sudden silence and lowered his head, which was entirely out of character for him. He looked so small.

“I understand if you don't want to be my friend anymore. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.”

James shook his head, disoriented.

“My friend? Padfoot, you're my brother. Nothing can ever change that. Besides, it's 1975! Did you think I would be mad or something?”

Sirius shrugged. The tips of his ears were red, and his brow was still furrowed.

“Dunno. Was scared of your reaction I guess.”

“Well Black, I'm ecstatic,” said James, getting up in a swift movement. “Do you know what this means? It means the two best looking guys in the school are out of the competition to date Lily!”

Sirius rolled his eyes and laughed, slowly getting back to his old self.

“Why does everything have to be a competition with you Potter?”

“Because everything is!” replied James, who had started a celebratory dance in the middle of their dorm room.

The twist inside of his stomach was gone. Lily was still his to woo, his best friends were dating, not ignoring him, and they were just about to come up with a plan that would both save Remus from an unwanted werewolf outing and embarrass the hell out of Snivellus. And it was such a beautiful day outside.

He met eyes with Sirius, and the relief he saw in them reflected his own. He was incredibly thankful his friend had trusted him enough to share what seemed to be something he was insecure about. James was happier than he had been in a long time.

It was at this moment the door from their room opened to Remus and Peter, arms filled with so much sweets you could only see the top of their heads. They both dropped all the candy on Sirius' bed, and before any of them could say anything, James rushed to Remus and pull him into a tight hug, grinning from ear to ear.

“Thanks for the sweets.”

“Erh, you're alright mate.”

Remus, embarrassed, quickly escaped James's arms to sit on the bed next to Sirius. Their body language mirrored perfectly and James felt as though his heart would burst with pride if it could. Peter looked slightly offended.

“Where's my hug? I went and got the sweets too!”

James beamed at him before hugging him too, with just as much conviction and love. All was well.

 


	6. Prank

James yawned. They had been up all night, laughing and talking, filling their bellies with chocolate and planning the perfect prank for them to pull on their worst enemy.

After a long time discussing the issue, they had agreed that Snape may have suspicions about Moony, but nothing concrete to base them on, and therefore had decided to throw him for a loop. Sirius's idea was actually to confuse him til madness ensued, but James had managed to reason with him and bring the intensity down a bit, for Lily's sake.

It was a harmless, innocent prank, because they couldn't risk awaking a need for retaliation in Snivellus, just in case he _did_ know more than he led on. It was just the right amount of subtle yet ambitious, and James was over the moon knowing that he had managed to surround himself with such brilliant mischievous minds.

He yawned again, and McGonagall shot him a severe look. James grinned at her before going back to his half finished transfiguration. He had successfully vanished his snail's shell, but not the actual animal, which was now squirming across the desk, trying to escape another unwanted disappearing.

James was usually amongst the best student in transfiguration in his year, but today his sleepless night and the fact that Lily was sitting at the desk in front of him did not help his focus. He decided to give up on his snail for the moment, comforting himself by looking at Peter's snail, which had turned a bright yellow.

Remus and Sirius were seated on the opposite corner of the classroom: McGonagall had wisely chosen to separate the Marauders in her class, since what was remembered in Hogwarts' history as “The Great Rabbit Incident”.

Still, if he stretched his neck, James could see Sirius laying back in his chair, looking profoundly bored, and Remus's furrowed brow as he tried to understand the complicated instructions on the chalkboard.

Each of their subjects had been getting increasingly difficult, except maybe for History of Magic, which had always been nightmarish. James was even debating on whether or not he should join a study group led by a seventh year Ravenclaw, Dennis Grant. On the one hand, he would be teased mercilessly by Sirius, and on the other hand, his parents were counting on him for his OWLs, and he hated to disappoint them.

The bell rang and he delayed his decision making, throwing his bag on his shoulder and getting up at once to run to his friends.

“Bloody hell, I thought this period was never gonna end, I swear McGonagall enchanted the clock to make it slower,” said Sirius with a pout.

“Awwh you're just saying that cause you missed me,” teased James, as he winked at him.

“Prongs, we would all be lost without you,” replied Sirius, deadpan.

Lily, walking out of the classroom, passed behind him at that very moment and snorted at the words. Remus and Peter tried to maintain a serious face but failed upon seeing James's indignant expression.

“She'll see it too, one day,” he said, trying to look more confident than he felt.

Their next period was free, so they made a quick detour to the Gryffindor tower to grab the cloak and the map before heading down to the dungeons for the beginning stage of their plan.

“How much do you think we'll need Prongs?” asked Peter, scurrying behind them.

“Dunno,” James answered cheerfully. “But we'll make sure we get enough, don't worry Pete.”

The dungeons were significantly colder than the rest of the castle, and the stones were moldy from the humidity and the lack of sunlight. It was a dark and gloomy place, and James could not think of a reason as to why classes were held there. Potion making could be so much more fun and entertaining in the higher levels, away from the spiders who always seemed to make their beds at the bottom of empty cauldrons.

Once they reached Slughorn's office, Remus and James slipped under the cloak and waited for Sirius and Peter to knock. They entered the office together, Sirius taking his time to close the door to make sure his invisible friends had followed him.

It was a quick and easy job, and five minutes later they were out, Remus still concealed under the cloak with the massive bottle of Polyjuice they had managed to steal.

“Everything good on your end? What did you talk to him about?”

“Oh, Peter and I had Ds on our last assignments, so we asked him if we could redo it cause we knew he would say no,” laughed Sirius. “What about you? You replaced the bottle right?”

“Yup, with pumpkin juice I transfigured. Hopefully he doesn't need to change into someone else anytime soon.”

Remus was stuck on something else Sirius had said.

“Padfoot you got a D in potions? I helped you with that assignment!” he whispered.

“Forgot to turn it in,” Sirius grinned. “Sorry Moony.”

The disgruntled sound Remus made echoed through the dungeons and they all laughed before splitting up to their respective classes.

 

The second part of their plan was less delicate but everything was up to Remus. Having managed to get out of Muggle Studies early, James was waiting for him, pacing in front of the door of the classroom, barely able to contain his excitement.

When the bell finally rang, the door flew open and James couldn't stop himself from smiling upon seeing his friend's triumphant face. They made small talk on their way to the Gryffindor tower, deliberately avoid the subject they most wanted to talk about, just in case anyone was listening.

James didn't get the occasion to ask about it until they got back to their dorm, where Peter and Sirius were already waiting for them.

“Did you get it??” they all asked at the same time.

Remus smiled and didn't say anything, but unfolded his fist to show them what he had been holding. A long wavy auburn hair. The three of his friends stared at him in awe.

“We're really doing this.”

 

On the day of the full moon, they were all feeling an equal mix of nervousness and excitement, and when the evening came James's anxiety skyrocketed and he could suddenly see everything that was wrong with the plan. It felt so rushed and there was so many things that could go wrong, things that were illegal, and things that only relied on people maintaining their habits.

He took a deep breath and tried to keep a composed attitude. Too late to back out now.

On the floor of their room, Sirius and Remus were leaning over the Polyjuice, which they had separated in several different containers. Only two doses were needed today, but if everything went well nothing could stop them from doing it again.

James looked over at Peter, who seemed just as nervous as him, and sighed. He was gonna have to put on his usual self-assured mask and pretend everything was easy, in order to reassure Peter.

“Do it Black, we don't have all night!” said Remus, impatiently.

James slid from his bed to sit on the floor next to his friend. Sirius, looking incredibly focused, dropped Lily's hair in one bottle, and one of Remus' hair in another. The first one bubbled for a minuted before turning a lovely light purple colour, while the second one very slowly adopted a glowing silver.

“Which one do you want?” asked Sirius quietly, though no one could hear them.

James rushed to grab the silvery drink. He had absolutely no desire to find himself in Lily's body. It felt so wrong and so personal, especially considering the fact that Lily had no idea what they doing. James had tried convincing his fellow Marauders to use someone else's hair, but in the end it was his single voice against three, and he was forced to admit that Lily had more power over Snivellus than any other girl.

Peter took the lilac drink reluctantly. He had been very vocal about wanting to go to the Shrieking Shack alone with Moony, but his Animagus form was too small and did not allow him to control the wolf and stop it from hurting itself, so logically the role was attributed to Sirius.

James stared down at the glass he was holding, then back up to his friends, who were all looking at him eagerly. He raised his glass to them.

“Here goes nothing.”

The potion in itself didn't taste bad, but the sensation that came with it made him wonder if he was going to throw up. Incapable of controlling his body, he felt his hands clutching at his stomach, while his insides seemed to have a marvelous time, dancing and twisting around. His skin felt like he was on fire and a painful itch all over his scalp told him his hair was making its way back into his head.

When he opened his eyes, he realized he had collapsed on the floor from the pain. Peter looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Hurts that bad, huh?” Sirius held out a hand and helped James back to his feet. “Godric, that was scary.”

Still a bit shaken, James looked down at his hands, to see that they were not his hands anymore. They were whiter, thinner, and covered in a multitude of small silver scars. He took off his glasses Remus's eyes had no use for, and rushed to their shared bathroom.

His messy raven hair had been replaced by beautiful golden brown curls, and the face in the mirror in front of him was reassuringly familiar, but not his. It took him a minute to realize that his skin felt tight and hot on his flank, just above his right hip, and when he put his hand on it over his robes he realized that it was the spot where Remus had been bitten at the age of five. He quickly took his hand off it, as if he had been burnt.

He decided he didn't like being in anyone's body except his own. He felt like an intruder, but at least Remus was his friend. James suddenly felt very secured in his decision to not assume Lily's body.

He took a second in front of the mirror to ruffle up Remus's hair, then headed back to the bedroom, where he froze and had to hold on to the door frame to not lose his balance. Lily was standing in the middle of the room, stunning as usual, and James blinked a few times and looked away in a desperate attempt to stop his heart from beating so fast.

She turned to him, with Peter's eternal cloying look of admiration, and James winced. It was Lily's face, but it wore the expression that was the furthest from her and James hoped he would never have to see such a look on her face again.

“This is magic!” Remus exclaimed, amazed, staring at James.

“Moony, ol' pal, I have some news about what type of school we're going to,” grinned Sirius, patting Remus's back before winking at James. “Prongs you look way better like this, I have to admit.”

James felt himself blush.

“Come on, let's move! Like Moony said, we don't have all night! It should take about an hour for the potion to wear off, and you Remus have to be in the Shrieking Shack in under twenty minutes, so let's go.”

As they all left the room, Peter, in Lily's form, locked his arm around James's.

“Gotta look the part,” he shrugged, and James couldn't help himself but shiver at Lily's voice. They walked down the staircase together, Sirius and Remus hidden under the cloak, and James realized it was probably the weirdest thing they had ever done.

Praying that the real Lily wouldn't decide to go for a walk after curfew, they crossed the common room and slid through the portrait hole.

“Good luck,” whispered Sirius at James's ear, before leaving to the Shack with Remus. James didn't answer, too focused on scanning the nearby shadows for Snape.

The goal was to find him as soon as possible, and for him to see who he thought was Remus, fully human under the moonlight, so that his suspicions would be cleared once and for all. The Lily element was Sirius's idea, as it was bound to infuriate Snivellus.

It only took them about thirty seconds to find him thanks to the Marauders Map. He was hiding in an alcove, behind a tapestry, just outside of the Gryffindor tower, obviously on the lookout for werewolf related activity.

Deliberately not looking in his direction, James and Peter passed in front of him loudly. After shooting a discreet glance at the map, James leaned towards Peter and whispered in his ear.

“It worked, he's following us! Pretend I just said something really funny!”

Peter giggled, and it was Lily's beautiful laugh that filled the hallway. He passed a hand in Lily's soft hair and smiled up at James, who had to remind himself for the hundredth time since they drank the potion that it was his friend holding on to his arm, and not the girl he was mad about.

“Oh Remus, you're so funny! And you're the smartest guy in our year, I can't believe my luck that you were free tonight.”

James smiled. Peter was playing his part very enthusiastically despite his nervousness at the beginning of the operation. James answered louder than necessary, not wanting Snivellus to miss a word of the discussion.

“I'm always there for you, Lily. Just have to ask.”

With a tug in his stomach, James found himself wondering if he would ever be able to say these words to the real Lily, in his own voice. Distracted, he approached a gentle hand to Lily's face and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, telling himself that it was for Snape and not for him.

Then he took a step back, reminding himself once again that this was cheating. The real Lily would have hexed him had he tried something of that nature, and it was not fair of him to take advantage of the Polyjuice, even for such an innocent gesture.

“I'll ask then.” Peter continued in Lily's voice, unaware of James' inner turmoil and leaning towards him. “Would you go to the next Hogsmeade trip with me? I usually go with Sev, but he's been a drag recently, and besides, he's not as hot as you.”

A deafening sound suddenly filled the hallway, waking the portraits around them, and causing them to cover their ears and look around, alarmed.

“What was that? Was it Peeves?” whispered Peter, and James felt his heart swell, because it was Lily's face looking up at him, it was her green eyes filled with worry, and it was her hand grasping his own.

“No, I don't think so,” he whispered back, letting go of Peter's hand to pull out the map.

Severus Snape was walking away from them and heading back to the dungeons. He had apparently thrown a blasting curse to an armor in a fit of rage, which explained the noise that still rung in James's ears. Well, Remus's ears.

“We have to go, Flinch is gonna be here soon!”

James folded back the map, shoved it in his pocket and, allowing himself to forget for just a minute, took Lily's hand and ran back to the common room. Her hand was small and fit perfectly into his, and he was sad to let it go. The common room was warm and welcoming, but there was something missing in his heart.

So he promised himself that he would hold this hand again, and that this time it would really be Lily's.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Moony

The next morning, James and Peter woke up very early and ran down to the infirmary to meet with Sirius and Remus. They grinned at Madame Pomfrey while entering and tried to look as though their pockets weren't full of toast and leftover sweets from their candy night.

The school nurse always kept Remus for a few hours the morning after the full moon, to make sure he got enough rest and she insisted that he ate a healthy breakfast, so it had became a tradition for James to sneak in as much unhealthy food as possible. He had outdone himself this time, to celebrate the success of last night's prank.

Sirius, who was falling asleep on a chair next to Remus's bed, stood up in a hurry as soon as he saw his friend, but didn't dare to say anything until Madame Pomfrey had left for her office.

“So?” he whispered impatiently, “How did it go?”

James took the time to empty his pockets of all the candy on Remus's bed before answering, knowing very well Sirius was dying to hear every single detail of their evening. Then he told them everything that had happened, sometimes interrupted by Peter who was very proud to remind him how well he had acted.

By the time they were done telling the story, both Sirius and Remus were laughing hysterically, clutching their hands to their stomachs.

“He blew up an armor?” asked Sirius for the second time, wiping happy tears from his eyes.

James nodded gravely.

“Monstrous noise, you would have loved it.”

“We'll trade next time, I'll be Moony and James you'll go to the Shack!”

Peter sighed. He preferred his rat form to his Lily form, as he had admitted to James the previous night. Being an animal was easy and intuitive, but Lily's legs were longer than his and he found walking and standing like a girl very uncomfortable. Remus shook his head, looking pensive.

“I don't know if there will be a next time, now that Snape has proof that I'm not... you know. He's probably gonna stop looking into it now.”

“Let's hope so,” said James.

 

They headed out for their classes as soon as Madame Pomfrey found Remus rested enough, and the rest of the day was spent in a state of blissful haze and of satisfaction of a job well done. However Sirius was disappointed about having missed Severus's fit of rage and already planning bigger and better pranks, now that the risk of Remus's furry little secret slipping out was gone. It took a long time for James to convince him that staying on the down low for now was safer.

“Marauders don't _do_ down low!” he had argued in History of Magic.

“We'll be careful!” he had protested in Charms.

“Please Prongs, I hate Snivellus just as much as you, it's not fair,” he had pleaded in Herbology.

James's final argument was that they could all be expelled if someone started to have suspicions and found the six small bottles of Polynectar still hidden under their beds. It was a low blow, because if Sirius Black ever had one fear, it was to leave Hogwarts. He had fled his parent's house the previous summer and the Potters took him in and accepted him as if he was their own son, but Hogwarts would always be his home.

James felt bad about using this against him, but he feared Sirius's impulsiveness and recklessness would one day push him to do something he would regret.

Fortunately for him, Sirius's feelings of missing out came to an end later that day at dinner, when they saw a very visibly upset Snape approach the Gryffindor table to talk to Lily. The redheaded girl greeted him with a large smile and invited him to sit next to her but he stayed where he stood.

The beginning of their conversation was hushed, and despite the Marauders best efforts, Lily was sitting too far away for them to understand a word of what they were saying.

Eyebrows furrowed with concentration, James's eyes were fixated on Snape, whose hand movements were getting more and more vigorous. Lily was facing away from them but James could clearly see her shaking her head no, over and over again. Snape was raising his voice, and what started as a quiet conversation was now drawing a lot of curious looks.

“I know what I saw. You can lie all you want, I know you know I heard you,” said Severus. His voice sounded calmed and controlled, like he was just having a friendly chat, but his jaw and fists were clenched and for a second James was afraid he might hit her. A strong feeling of guilt overwhelmed him. He did hate Snape, but it was never his intention to cause Lily any trouble.

“I don't know what you saw or what you think you've heard but I was in my dorm all evening with Mary. And even if I wasn't, you have no right to spy on me and you are certainly not in charge of who I talk to.” Lily's tone was harsh and cold. She stood up to face Snape but even then she was a head shorter than him.

“Don't talk to me like that and keep your voice down,” said Snape in a commanding tone, looking down at her as if she were a dessert he was about to eat. The smile he shot at her probably meant to be kind, but it came off as condescending and it did nothing to calm Lily.

“I will talk to you however I want to. I am not a gentle woman. I do not want a gentle voice.”

James would have given everything he owned to be able to see Lily's face as she said those words, although Snape's expression was just as priceless.

“Go back to your table before I give you detention,” said Lily, emotionless, pointing at her prefect pin.

Snape clearly hesitated, opened his mouth to say something but decided against it at the last minute. He left the dinning hall in such an irritated state James would not have been surprised to see smoke coming out of his ears.

Sirius stood up at once, smiling from ear to ear and clapped enthusiastically. Lily turned around to look at him in one quick movement, beautiful and terrifying.

“Piss off Black.”

“Whatever you want Your Highness.”

He sat back down, still grinning like it was the best day of his life.

“This is the best day of my life. Now I totally understand why you fancy her Prongs.”

Remus looked scandalized but didn't say anything. It seemed as though all of the Marauders had a new found respect for Lily Evans. Even Peter was looking at her with wide eyes, like he was seeing her for the first time.

James risked a smile in her direction. She looked at him for a second before turning back to Marlene. James could have swore he had seen her smile at him faintly but he kept it to himself, just in case he had imagined it.

He had been scared for her, although he would never admit it to his friends or Lily herself. But of course she was perfectly capable to stand up for herself, as she had done many time in the past. This time was no different.

As for Sirius, he was over the moon, talking very fast and barely able to stand still.

“Now we _have_ to do it again. Full moon or not, it doesn't matter anymore. We found a crack in Snivellus's armor – no pun intended – and we _have_ to exploit it. You can't say no now, James.”

“No.” said James, unrelenting. “We'll find another use for the Polynectar, but we're done messing with Snivellus for now.”

He hated to be a killjoy, but he did not want to sabotage Severus and Lily's relationship any more than they already had. The bond these two shared was strong, and although James didn't understand it, he knew he had to respect it.

Sirius dropped the subject surprisingly fast and James tried telling himself that it was because of his natural authority and leadership, but he knew his friend too well. Telling Sirius not to do something only resulted in him wanting to do it more. James crossed his fingers under the table, hoping for Sirius to move on to another prank victim quickly.

They were heading back to the common room happy and full, discussing the next Hogsmeade visit, when Remus abruptely stopped in front of the Fat Lady's Portrait and hit his forehead with his palm.

“Bollocks, I forgot my book in the infirmary! Go on without me, I'll be just a minute,” he said quickly before running back down the stairs they had just climbed.

“Since when does Moony say 'bollocks'?” smiled Peter.

“Probably gets it from Evans,” said Sirius with a shrug. “Swears like a sailor this one.”

“You're one to talk,” snorted James. “Animo.”

The Fat Lady's portrait swung backwards and they all climbed through the portrait hole before settling in their usual side of the common room, in front of the fireplace. Even as full as the tower was at times, their seats were never taken by anyone else but them. The Marauders were respected and loved in the Gryffindor house, thanks to the many different pranks they had led against Slytherin throughout the years, and the fireplace was unofficially named “The Marauders' corner”.

Collapsing into the coziest armchair, James opened his book of Advanced Potion Making and tried to tune out the noise of the common room. Sirius appeared to have too much energy for studying and had his fun teasing the fire with levitation charms he performed on the logs. Peter watched him for a minute before yawning and reluctantly starting his Transfiguration essay.

They stayed like this for about half an hour, James occasionally lifting his head from his boring Potion swotting to watch Sirius literally play with fire, his eyes reflecting the burning logs he was lifting. Peter had given up on keeping his head straight and was leaning on the table, only his hand and quill still moving.

“What's taking him so long?”

Grateful for the distraction, James put down his book to look at Sirius. He was still focused on the flames, but frowning. His bored attitude was gone, and he was sitting with his back straight.

“He just had to take his book and come back, right?” James could hear the worry in Sirius's voice under the many layers of fake nonchalance.

“Madame Pomfrey probably held him back,” said James, trying to be reassuring. “You know how she is with him the day after the full moon, she would keep him all week if she could.”

“You're right,” said Sirius, turning back to the fireplace. His back wasn't as stiff anymore but James could tell he was still tense by the way he was holding his wand.

“Wanna check the map?”

“Yes please!”

Barely lifting his head from the table, Peter pulled out the map from his robes and handed it to Sirius. James was starting to get back to his book when he froze upon Sirius's deafening silence. The blood had drained from his face and he was looking at the map so intensely he could have burnt a hole through it.

“What? What's wrong? Where is he?” James got up, suddenly panicked. Sirius handed him the map without a word before jumping to his feet and running out of the common room.

It took just a second for James to find Remus Lupin on the map. His dot was standing still, in a broom closet of the second floor. Another dot titled Severus Snape was walking away from him.

That was all it took for James to drop the map and start running as well. It was after curfew so the corridors were empty. He caught up with Sirius very easily, he had more stamina and he was more physically fit, from all the Quidditch practices. They ran alongside each other, Peter on their heels, and they didn't say a thing.

The guilt overwhelmed him. It was because of their prank. It had been the final straw for Snape and now James's biggest fear had come true. He should have known. He shouldn't have involved Lily. He shouldn't have let Remus leave on his own. Knowing that someone he loved had probably been hurt because of him was the worst feeling in the world.

Sirius and James arrived in from of the broom closet together and looked at each other hesitantly before Sirius took it upon himself to open the door.

Their Moony was inside, petrified and white as a sheet. His eyes were staring into nothing and his hair was damp from sweat. Sirius quickly checked for physical injuries and found none. He exchanged a glance with James, who was ashamed to have hoped for a wound, because at least then they could _see_ the damage that had been done.

Peter arrived behind them, panting, then took one look at Remus before sprinting towards the infirmary without asking any question, without even taking the time to catch his breath. James had a weak smile at his unwavering loyalty. Peter would do anything for his friends.

They laid Remus down on the floor of the hallway and James sat next to him, incapable of looking away from his friend's pale and terrified face. Sirius was restless, pacing the floor, and James could tell he was feeling just as guilty as he was. They waited in silence for what felt like an eternity, but finally they heard Madame Pomfrey's voice and Peter's familiar footsteps.

James tried getting up but his legs and hands were shaking, so he stayed firmly on the ground where he had no risk of falling. The nurse ran towards Remus and knelt in front of him, muttering under her breath incantations that they did not understand and seemingly scanning his body with her wand.

“Go back to your dormitories. You will see him in the infirmary in the morning,” she said without looking up, materializing a stretcher out of thin air with the flick of her wand. It was an order that would suffer no dispute, but James was not in the mood to take orders from anyone.

“No. He's our best friend, we're not going anywhere.”

Madame Pomfrey must have heard the rare seriousness in his voice because she did not insist. Sirius shot him a look of gratitude. He still had not talked since the common room and James understood why. His own throat felt very tight and there was a roughness to his voice from holding back the tears. But Sirius Black didn't cry, he never did.

James had asked about it what felt like a million years ago, in second year, when he had seen Sirius fall down two flights of stairs and break his leg after a failed attempt at levitating himself. He had not cried then, and when James had inquired, he had answered with the typical simplicity of thirteen year old boys.

“We're not allowed to cry at home. Not manly. We get punished if we cry.” And he had pointed to one of the many scars that ran down his calf. James had never questioned any of Sirius's habits again.

That is what James was thinking about as they were walking down to the infirmary, trailing Madame Pomfrey and the levitating stretcher. He reached his hand and grabbed Sirius's elbow, squeezing it gently. The world was fucked but at least they had each other.

The night they spent in the infirmary was torture. They had been allowed to stay there by McGonagall who had arrived only five minutes after them, warned by Peter as well, but they couldn't see past the curtains the nurse had drawn around the bed and they had no idea of what was going on.

There was a heaviness to the air in the room, maybe due to the silence James wasn't used to. None if it felt real. Like he was in a nightmare, where time distorted and stretched, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't wake up. Everything had happened so fast, but yet he felt like he had been sitting on this hospital bed forever.

The second Madame Pomfrey appeared from behind the curtains, James and Sirius were on their feet, their eyes full of questions they weren't sure they wanted the answers to. Fortunately, the nurse answered before James found the courage to ask.

“He's fine. Sleeping. He needs it, poor boy.”

“Is he gonna be okay?” Sirius spoke for the first time since they had left the common room. There was no sign of weakness, worry or anger in his voice, but it was deeper than usual, more mature.

“Yes. The curse used on him is standard for hallway fights, but as you know, Remus's immune system is weakened by his condition, especially at this stage of the moon cycle. The attacker did more damage than they intended to.” She shook her head gravely. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked exhausted. “Minerva will find the person responsible and they will be fairly punished, don't worry.”

James exchanged a look with Sirius and immediately knew they were thinking the same thing. Denouncing Snape would mean explaining why the attack had occurred, why Snape was so angry in the first place. And they would have no explanation to offer the administration as to why Severus had seen Remus, fully human in the night of the full moon. They would get expelled. They couldn't tell anyone.

The Marauders approached Moony's bed with caution, afraid to wake him up. Tucked under the covers with both of his palm facing the ceiling, he looked smaller and younger than he was. The blue veins under his skin were emphasized by his paleness. He looked so weak.

Sirius sat on the side of the bed and took Remus's hand in his.

“Snivellus is gonna fucking pay.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line "I am not a gentle woman. I don't want a gentle voice" is a quote from Stef Sanjati (love her) which i took out of context completely but i just really love this sentence :)


	8. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter but more lighthearted chapter!! Hope you like it!

James looked out of the window to the Forbidden Forest. Snow was covering the castle's grounds and everything looked beautiful, still and silent. A smell of hot chocolate was lingering in the Gryffindor tower, warm and comfortable. The Christmas holidays were two weeks away and he could not be more impatient. This semester was really starting to take a toll on him.

Remus, who had made a quick and full recovery, was sitting by the fire with Sirius, who couldn't keep his eyes off him. They had all been extremely scared and were now very vigilant to never let Remus out of their sight, which annoyed him to say the least. He had been Confunded and didn't remember a thing about the incident, except for waking up in the infirmary to his best friends' worried faces.

“We're not even sure it was Severus, honestly. Could have been anyone holding a grudge against gorgeous blond Gryffindor prefects. We'll never know,” he liked to joke.

Sirius always made a face to the comment. He had not forgotten how brutal the attack was, and probably never would. He hadn't said anything else regarding making Snivellus pay for what he did, but James was certain he was still dead set on the idea. Sirius Black was not the forgiving type.

As far as they could tell, McGonagall had no leads as to who the attacker was, and James found it so incredibly frustrating that he could not just tell her. He had tried going to her and explaining everything, taking the blame for the Polynectar so his fellow Marauders wouldn't get in trouble, but Peter had managed to talk him out of it (with the help of a few jelly-legs curse).

The overwhelming feeling of guilt hadn't left James and there wasn't a second that went by in which he didn't worry. Out in the wizarding world, the war was gaining in intensity, and newspapers these days didn't bring much good news. A girl in their year had left England and the magical community entirely to go live with her cousins in France after her parents, both muggleborn, had been found dead in their home. Fear and paranoia were everywhere, and Hogwarts was deemed to be the safest place in Britain for wizards. But still, James couldn't wait to go home for Christmas and see his parents, who he missed terribly.

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter had been involved in the war as soon as it started, helping out Dumbledore with logistics, meeting gathering and planning. This meant they were probably targets for Death Eaters and this Dark Lord everyone kept talking about. But James couldn't bear the thought of losing them.

He shivered despite the warmth and cast a glance across the common room to Lily. Her long dark red hair was falling in front of her face as she was leaning on the table, writing a letter to her sister. She had made up with Snivellus not long after their fallout in the dinning hall. He probably had come running back begging for forgiveness, thought James with a silent sigh. And Lily, being the bigger person that she was, probably took him back with open arms. She was always willing to look over everyone's flaws. Everyone except for James, obviously.

He smiled to himself sadly, and turned back to his friends. With everything that had happened, he had forgot about the fact that he was supposed to pretend to be interested in Alice, and to be moving on from Lily. But it was just hard to not look at her, she was captivating, beautiful and exuded such a raw, powerful energy, James's eyes were just drawn to her at all times. He was always aware of her presence anytime she was in a room with him. Pretending to not like her was like pretending to not be incorrigibly handsome: impossible.

James chuckled at that last thought before realizing all of his friends were staring at him.

“Erh hum sorry, had something in my throat,” he said, trying to cover up the fact that he just laughed out loud for seemingly no reason.

“Don't worry Prongs, we already know you're insane we share a dorm with you.”

“Thanks Moony.”

“Anytime man.”

Remus had been doubling up on their conversational fun, in an effort to show that he was completely fine even after what happened, maybe to ease Sirius's spirit.

“So Prongs, tell us. How's the Evans situation? Any new developments?”

“She's still mental about me,” sighed James, ruffling up his hair. “Can't get her to stop asking me out, it's crazy. Can't take a hint this girl.”

While Peter and Sirius were barely holding in their laughter, Remus kept a serious face.

“Well I can tell, she's been looking at you from over there since we sat down.”

“What?? She has? Really?” James sat up, suddenly very aware that he was slouching on the couch. “How do I look?”

Sirius, Peter and Remus burst out laughing, incapable of staying serious a second longer.

“No, not really, she hasn't looked up once. There's only one person who's mental in the two of you and it's not her.”

“You know what's not funny?” grunted James. “You. Ever.”

“Sorry Prongs. At least you got us,” said Peter, still laughing.

“Sometimes I wish I didn't,” replied James, still offended. That was a lie of course. There wasn't a second that went by when he wasn't grateful for his best friends. When they weren't being complete dicks and making fun of him, that is.

“You love us really,” said Sirius cheekily. James poked his tongue at him. He adored his friends and they knew it, but saying it out loud would only inflate their egos, which did not need inflating.

“I merely tolerate you lots.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and halfheartedly went back to his Astronomy homework. The teachers were giving them more and more work everyday, and things was piling up. James just hoped the Christmas holidays would be enough for him to catch up on everything he hadn't been able to do due to detentions and Quidditch practices.

This Christmas would be Sirius's first at the Potters and despite the complicated times and the war, James hoped he would still be able to offer his best friend his first happy holiday.

“Potter!”

Annoyed, he looked up at the person who had just interrupted his train of thoughts and met eyes with a tall blond girl who was staring down at him, hands on her hips. Alice did not look happy.

“A word, please? Now.”

James got up at once, forgetting he was trying to look cool for Lily. When Alice needed something, people obeyed and they did so immediately if they wished to keep their nasal conducts free of bats. She was a brilliant witch but patience wasn't in her top ten qualities. He followed her to a less crowded corner of the common room, where no one was likely to overhear their conversation.

Alice looked seriously mad and James could not think of anything he might have done to upset her in the last month. He had been miraculously early to most of the practices, had shown exemplary sportsmanship and had scored over ten goals during their game against Slytherin, which had put them well on track for winning the Quidditch Cup this year.

Sure, he had stolen a few golden snitches here and there, and sure he had enchanted the Quidditch robes of the entire team so that they would shrink a size every time they put them on, but there was no way Alice knew about any of it for now. James knew how to cover his tracks.

“What's up boss?”

“I could ask you the same. Why is there a rumor going around that you fancy me?” Her tone was very matter of fact. Alice did not play games or beat around the bush.

James felt his entire face turn red in under a second and he made a mental note to make Remus's life a living hell. What a stupid idea this turned out to be.

“I got it from Marlene, who got it from Evans, who got it from your prefect friend,” she added before James could think of anything to say. “And I gotta say, Potter...”

“It's not true!” blurred out James. “Not true at all, just something Moony told Lily so she would be jealous.”

Alice raised an eyebrow and James could see she was trying very hard not to smile so he risked trying to explain further.

“Moony said it's a girl thing? Not my idea at all, wasn't on board then, still not on board now.”

Alice was now fully laughing, but James couldn't tell if she was laughing with him or at him.

“Your friend doesn't know a lot about girls, does he?”

“Erh no maybe not,” said James, deliberately not looking over by the fireplace, where he knew Remus was sitting very close to his boyfriend.

“A girl that is worth falling for is a girl who is going to be happy for you, not jealous about you,” said Alice, her voice softening. “You love Evans, right?”

James would have blushed harder if it was possible. It wasn't the first time he had to answer this question, but it usually always came from his mates, so in a way it felt more like teasing than like an actual question which you had to reply to sincerely. He had no doubt about the answer though.

“I do,” he said, and he was happy to notice his tone was more firm and more assured than it had been since the beginning of the conversation.

“So let's say she should find another guy, or partner or whatever, and be incredibly happy with them. How would you feel?”

James was now desperately trying to make his way out of the conversation. He was hot and sweaty, not used to serious talks with people other than his Marauders. He looked over at them, in the other side of the common room, hoping one of them would sense his discomfort and rescue him. Peter, he wanted Peter. Peter was great at this sort of things. But Wormy appeared to have fallen asleep on the coffee table and Remus and Sirius were seemingly in a passionate discussion of their own.

James realized he was going to have to go through with this conversation, whether he wanted it or not. He looked back at Alice who was still waiting for his answer.

“Well... I would be sad for me at first, that's for sure. But all I want is for her to be happy, so if she's happy with someone else... I would be happy too,” he said, suddenly understanding the point Alice was trying to make. “Lily doesn't belong to me, she doesn't belong to anybody. If she chooses to be with someone else but me, that will be her decision and I will have no right to question it. At the end of the day her happiness makes mine.”

James looked up at Alice as if he was seeing her for the first time. She smiled at him.

“See? The opposite is true too. If you want her to love you, you won't get anywhere by trying to make her jealous.”

“I thought you were a heartless thug but hey you're not as dumb as you look!” said James, smiling back at her. She really was the big sister he never had.

“Bite me Potter.”

James ran back to his friends feeling happier and more hopeful than he was when he left them. Remus grinned at him when he approached them.

“What did she want? She didn't look pleased with you when she came to get you.”

For a second James thought about telling his friends about the conversation he had just had but quickly decided against it. It somewhat felt very personal.

“Oh nothing,” said James waving a dismissive hand. “She just found out it was me who put the wartcap powder on the Quaffle that one time.”

“Good boy,” said Sirius sleepily.

 


	9. Danger

James ran. His legs were on fire and his lungs felt like they were collapsing inside his chest. But he couldn't stop to breathe, not for a second. He didn't have a second. It was in these moments he wished he could have a time turner. Time was precious, the most valuable resource given to mankind. Time was cruel, lacking when you needed it the most.

James tried to shut off his brain to focus on running. His footsteps echoing in the empty corridors. His heavy breathing echoing inside his mind. His fingernails digging in his palms.

The castle seemed to go out of its way to clear his path. Tapestries would move in front of him, revealing shortcuts, and the moving staircases didn't deviate him from his way once.

He tripped several times, the urgency in his movements taking over the precision, and he cursed himself for wasting these precious fractions of seconds. He could feel anxiety rising in his stomach and his chest but he used the muggle respiration techniques Remus had taught him to ease the storm inside of him. There was no time for panicking.

Sirius's words still resonated inside his head.

“I told him. About the Shack and the passageway under the Willow. I'm sorry.”

Hearing this, James had started running immediately, not even bothering to check the map. There was no way Severus Snape went straight to bed after getting the information he had been dying to receive. He was probably well on his way.

But not checking the map had been a mistake, thought James, too late. At least he would have had an idea of where Severus was, of the time it would take to catch up with him.

Now James was maybe too late. He tried not to think about it. About the state in which he would find Snape. About Remus's guilt. About his own guilt.

He would throw up from fear if he had time but he didn't. He kept running. Not thinking.

Arriving at the doors leading to the castle's grounds, James pulled out his wand in one swift movement and blasted them open. The noise they made probably woke up the whole castle but he didn't care. No time to care.

Running on the grass was easier than on the stone and being finally outside he could see the last rays of sunlight peaking over the horizon. Maybe he wasn't too late after all.

The Whomping Willow was tall and terrifying, agitating its branches at a bird who had the unfortunate idea to fly too close to it. Snape was nowhere to be seen. James's heart sank.

His mind started racing. Peter, he needed Peter. In his rat form Peter was small enough to avoid the branches and press the knot to stop the tree from wanting to kill everyone and everything.

Frantic and forgetting his own safety, James got just an inch too close to the violent tree and was hit on the side of the head. He fell on the ground, blinded by the blood running down his forehead, and started tap-tapping around, looking for his glasses that fell off his face.

“ _Lumos,_ ” he whispered. The beam of light coming from his wand was bright in the darkness of dusk and he grabbed his glasses in front of him and slammed them on his face in a hurry, wincing from the pain.

With a flick of his wand he levitated a rock nearby and sent it crashing on the knot in the roots, not bothering to control the power he put into his magic. The branches finally stopped swaying towards him and the tree came to a standstill.

The silence that followed this sudden pause filled James's ears and terrified him. He ran to the trunk of the tree and entered the gaping hole between the roots. He could hear his own palpitating heartbeat and the blood rushing through his veins. It was like each of his senses were sharpened by fear.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally reached the last straight line in the narrow passageway. Severus was at the end of the tunnel, almost bent in half due to the low ceiling, and about to step in the wooden cabin.

“NO! Wait!!” yelled James, his heart in his throat.

Snape turned around to look at him and had a spiteful smile. His eyes were bloodshot, his greasy black hair was falling in front of his face and there was dirt all over his robes. He looked like an insane scientist on the edge of a wicked breakthrough.

“You can't stop me Potter,” he spat. “Everyone thinks you're so perfect. I'm about to see what's down there and prove them wrong.”

He entered the opening without looking backwards. James's entire body was hurting and blood was still pouring from the open wound on his head. He was exhausted, so exhausted. But he rushed forward as fast as he could, fully conscious of the danger ahead, and followed Severus into the small dark room.

Both boys froze at the same time upon seeing Remus. He was mid-transformation, hair growing rapidly on his entire body, teeth and nails sharpening, becoming lethal. James and Severus were so close they could hear Remus's bones lengthen and thicken.

An enormous wolf sat where a good looking blond boy was standing a second ago, and turned its long head and red eyes towards the two boys.

“Go! GO! You need to run!!” James pulled Severus towards him, towards the opening, but the slender boy didn't move, still entranced by the transformation that had just happened before their eyes.

Annoyed by the noise, the wolf howled and slowly started advancing towards them, growling and showing its teeth. James had never been human and therefore so vulnerable in front of the wolf before, and for the first time he saw how terrifying it was.

“RUN SNAPE!”

Suddenly snapping out of it, Severus turned tail and slipped back through the opening with difficulty. Behind him, James, certain he was going to die, faced the wolf and opened his arms, decidedly shielding Snape from the danger with his body. He just needed to stay alive long enough to give Severus time to get back to the safety of the passageway.

As he felt claws digging in the skin of his chest and his own warm blood cascading down his body, James thought of Lily and her green eyes. He would never see her again. This thought awoke something in him. A survival instinct. He was willing to die for Asshole Severus, but he had to live for Lily.

Pushing the wolf off him and backing up against the wall, James reached for his wand and fired a string of non lethal curses at his best friend.

“I'm sorry Moony, I'm so sorry!” he whispered, knowing very well the wolf didn't understand him, but hoping that the human inside of it would remember the words.

A stunning spell more powerful than the others hit the werewolf in the chest, and the animal was propelled all the way across the cabin to the wall on the other side.

James took his chance and slid through the opening with ease, having done it many times, and sealed it with complex charms he had seen Madam Pomfrey use. In the cabin, the wolf was howling and snapping its teeth, throwing itself on the wall and trying to claw through the hole to get to James. The smell of blood seemed to drive him mad.

Trying as hard as he could to remain calm, James looked down at his chest to see a bloody mess. His robes were torn but it was nothing compared to his flesh. The adrenaline kept him from feeling the pain, and he decided to get back to the castle while he was still able to move.

He had to crawl all the way, dragging his wounded body on the floor. His mind was blank. The only thing keeping him from passing out was the instinct that he had to, he _had to_ find the nurse before draining of his blood. Dying in a dirty and narrow tunnel would be very anticlimatic.

James thought about the way he wanted to die and settled on old age. Peacefully, in his sleep, happy after living a long and fulfilled life, surrounded by his many children and grand-children, who all had Lily's eyes. Not now, at 16, covered in blood and mud, five days before Christmas. Remus would never forgive himself.

In a final effort, he dragged himself out of the hole under the Willow and crawled to the silhouette laying on the grass in front of him. Severus was looking up at the stars, struggling to catch his breath. He didn't turn his head at the sound of James approaching him.

“I almost died,” he said in a cold voice.

James thought it was perhaps a little self-centered, considering the wolf hadn't touched him and that the blood of the person who saved his life was emptying on the grass they laid on. Nevertheless, he didn't point out the unfairness.

“Merry fucking Christmas,” said James. Snape only answered with a chocked chuckle that strangely resembled a sob. James ignored it and got to the point quickly. The adrenaline had escaped his body, leaving him drowning in the pain. He wasn't sure how long he had left.

“You can't tell anyone.”

“I have to.”

“Severus. You can't.”

A few minutes passed, where James desperately waited for an answer that didn't come. The stars were spinning fast above his head. The grass was so comfortable. The song of the birds lulled him to sleep.

 

 

James woke up slowly, slightly disorientated. The bed sheets smelled like lavender soap and the room was very bright and made him squint. No snoring. It wasn't his dorm. Propping himself up on one elbow and grabbing his glasses from the nightstand so he could see, he realized he was in the infirmary.

The events of last night suddenly came back to him and he pressed a panicked hand on his chest. There was no trace of blood and the pain was gone but three large and deep silver scars ran down his chest, from his clavicle to his abs.

He grunted and let his head fall back on the pillow. His eyes closed, he heard precipitated footsteps coming towards him. The noise he had made had alerted Madam Pomfrey, who pulled the curtains back from around his bed and smiled at him softly.

“How are we feeling this morning, Mr. Potter?”

“Alive for a start,” he answered, smiling back at her. “And that's wonderful, thank you for patching me up ma'am.”

“Don't be silly,” she tutted at him. “No kid will die at Hogwarts as long as I'm here.”

“Well I ain't no kid.”

“You're right James,” she smiled sadly before sitting on the bed next to him. “What you did last night was the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do. Your actions go beyond words.”

She stopped and looked away, blinking to hide her tears, and James suddenly found his blanket very interesting. But his head was full of questions and he couldn't wait a second longer to ask them.

“Did Snape tell anyone?” he blurred out. “Is Remus okay?”

“No and yes,” answered the nurse. “Mr. Black and Mr. Snape are in the headmaster's office right now, and rest assured they will both be appropriately punished and warned about the consequences that come with divulging Mr. Lupin's secret. Remus himself is still sleeping, he doesn't know anything about what happened yet.”

Sirius. James's heart skipped a beat. Sirius had betrayed all of them and had put another student's life in danger. Only a miracle could save him from being expelled. And James wasn't sure how he felt about it just yet.

But Moony's secret was safe. As long as Dumbledore talked to Snape, there was no way Remus's furry little problem was getting out. There was just one last thing James needed to make a secret of his own.

“Can you... can you not tell him? About, you know.. this?”

He rubbed his chest and Madam Pomfrey seemed to understand. She nodded gravely.

“He won't hear it from me,” she whispered.

He mouthed the words 'thank you' but she was already gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who can't write action? Yup that's right: me. But hell I tried anyway.  
> Shoutout to my little sister for proof reading every single chapter I write and correcting my english coz it's still a bit wobbly sometimes! And shoutout to YouBlitheringIdiot for reading everything and leaving lovely comments that make my day!!


	10. Forgivness

James looked out of the window of the Hogwarts Express,  just leaving London and  taking them back to school .  The Christmas holidays had been  awfully silent.  Sirius  had barely left his room, only joining the Potters for the meals, and  even then he didn't eat  n or speak despite Euphemia's best efforts . James had no idea how to act around hi m  or what to say to him,  but he hated seeing his friend  like this .  Guilt was eating away at him.  The re were dark circles under his eyes,  proof that he didn't sleep well, or maybe not at all,  and his usually beautiful hair was now falling flatly on both sides of his face.

Because of his head injury, James had been stuck in the infirmary for the entire last day of the semester so it was Peter who  had  caught him  up . Sirius hadn't been expelled, but it was more due to his family situation than to leniency on Dumbledore's part.  No one knew what the headmaster said to him in his office, but it was clear that Sirius had been severely reprimanded.

Remus had been made aware of the incident by Dumbledore himself, just after he woke up in the infirmary, and none of the boys had seen him since. He didn't seem to be on the train taking them back to London, nor at King Cross this morning. James had wrote him about a hundred letters, explaining, apologizing, but he had yet to receive a response.

O nly Peter was acting somewhat normal ly . Thank Merlin for Peter. It was him who had found James under the Willow, passed out in a pool of his own blood, and  according to Madam Pomfrey, it was also him who had performed the necessary spells to keep James from bleeding out until the nurse arrived .  James owed him his life.  He had came very close to dying, but that  was  something he would never admit to either Remus or Sirius. The  guilt would be too much for them .

Thanks to the Marauder's Map,  Peter had also found Snape later that same night, hiding under a staircase in a profound state of shock,  and brought him straight to Dumbledore 's office ,  where Sirius already was, confessing.

J ames sighed  as he recalled that night  and his breath fogged the window of the train. The past few weeks had been rough.  And the next were probably about to be rougher, considering his two best friends were not talking to each other.  O r to him, for that matter. 

Sirius was sitting in front of him, brooding as he had been for the entire holidays. His arms were crossed on his chest and his legs were neatly tucked underneath his seat, which wa s entirely out of character.  Sirius Black liked to take up space, to be noticed. This was a faded, exhausted version of  him .

The door to their carriage slid open and James almost jumped to his feet, certain  for a second that he would see his Moony appear,  with his usual grin on his face and a book in his hand.

“Can we sit here? All the other carriages are full,” said Mary, a Gryffindor in their year. She was accompanied by Marlene and Lily and they all looked at James expectantly.

“Sure, go ahead,” said James, motioning towards the empty seats. His stomach did a sad little loop when Lily sat next to him and he thought with mild amusement that this was the first time he was disappointed to see her. He would have given everything he owned to be surrounded by his friends, all of his friends, and for things to be normal again.

“Where's Remus?” asked Lily to Peter sitting in front of her. “You four are usually inseparable!”

Peter shrugged and tried to deviate the topic quickly, while James turned back to look out the window.  He had to find Moony. He missed his best friend too much.

He stood up, trying his hardest to not accidentally brush against Lily, and walked out without a word, exchanging a meaningful glance with Peter.  They knew each other so well they didn't need to talk to communicate.

In the hallway, James leaned on the door he had just closed. He had no idea where he could find his friend. He feared that Remus was not on the train, that he had decided not to go back to Hogwarts to not endanger any more students. It had been on James's mind during the entire Christmas holidays. Remus had always been afraid that he would hurt someone and could never forgive himself if he did.

James made his way through the entire train, searching for Remus in each compartment. He finally found him in the prefect carriage just before the magic locomotive and cursed himself for not having thought of it earlier.

Remus was alone, sitting cross-legged and leaning against the  wall behind him .  There was an unopened book on his lap and he was staring  out of the window at the countryside. He didn't look  at James  when he  sat  down in front of him  and gave no indication that he was aware of his friend's presence.

J ames wasn't sure what to say so he ruffled up his hair. He wasn't great at talking. So he waited for Remus to be the first to break the silence between them.

For about an hour they sat together and James was very grateful no one entered the carriage and interrupted that silence. Far from being awkward, it was comfortable and familiar. The soft balancing of the train and the whistle of the wind were lulling James so he jumped a little bit upon hearing Remus's voice, low and raspy.

“I got your letters.”

James looked up and couldn't help but grin upon seeing the subtle smile of his best friend. He didn't answer and waited for Remus to continue.

“I'm sorry I didn't reply to them.”

“Don't worry about it,” answered James, dismissing the unwanted apology with a wave of the hand. He was so incredibly happy to be speaking to his Moony, who he had missed a lot, and didn't have enough place in his heart for grudges.

“It's just.. I know you were with... him and well. I haven't.. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face him again. After what he's done.”

Remus lowered his head and stared down at his feet. James nodded, frowning. He had predicted that reaction, but that didn't mean he knew how to deal with it. He tried anyway.

“Moony, I... I can't imagine how you must be feeling. And I don't know if I'll ever look at Padfoot the same again either. What he did, betraying your trust like this.. I can't ask you to forgive him, because I know I can't forgive him myself.”

James felt tears coming up but he repressed them quickly and adjusted his glasses, sitting a bit straighter. His own voice was very raspy, he didn't talk much himself during the past two weeks.

“But I know this: we're the only thing he's got. His only family. He got disowned just a few months ago, his abusive parents kicked him out. There are Death-Eaters in the streets right now, killing and torturing muggles and muggleborns, and he can't be sure his little brother isn't one of them. _You_ , Moony, you are the person he cares about the most in the entire world and you were attacked just days ago. He cares for you. He loves you. He made a mistake.”

Remus looked up. His eyes were a little red, his lips a thin white line.

“I almost killed you.”

The whisper broke James's heart.

“You didn't.”

Remus reached his hand towards him and James took it without a trace of hesitation. He squeezed his friend's hand, hoping to transmit through touch everything he couldn't express through words. They didn't say anything for a minute, just looking at each other and appreciating the strength of their bond.

“I don't remember anything. Dumbledore didn't give me any details,” Remus sighed after a while. “And honestly I don't know if I want to know what happened.”

“There's nothing to know,” lied James. “I caught Severus right as he was about to step in the cabin. He saw you but that's it. We were never in real danger.”

He would keep Remus away from the truth even if it was the last thing he did in his life. Some secrets are worth keeping. Especially secrets protecting people from themselves.  Truth was too cruel sometimes.

“Good. I couldn't have forgiven myself if...”

“You didn't,” repeated James, more firmly this time, unconsciously placing a hand on his heart, where three silver scars stretched under his robes.

Remus smiled at him shyly.

“I never thanked you. For stopping me from becoming a murderer. So you know. Thank you.”

“Anything for my Moony.”

 

When they finally arrived at Hogwarts, Remus left to lead the first years and James went back to Peter and Sirius, who he was surprised to find still in company of Marlene and Mary. The girls seemed to find Sirius's moping and unusual silence 'charming', and Mary in particular was almost drooling over him.

The strangely assembled group sat together at the Gryffindor table, and James caught himself thinking that it actually wasn't that bad, as it would distract the Marauders from the fact that they were missing a quarter. Remus hadn't returned to them yet, and James kept looking around hoping to catch a glimpse of his friend. He had hoped their talk in the train would have solved everything between the four of them but it apparently wasn't the case.

Sirius was looking straight down at his food, which he wasn't eating. In front of James, Lily, who had joined them after completing her prefect duties, seemed to have noticed something wasn't right and was frowning.

“James?” she whispered so the others wouldn't hear. “Where's Remus?”

There was a hint of worry in her voice and James remembered Moony was Lily's friend too.

“I don't know,” he whispered back. “Sirius and him are not speaking to each other, it's.. it's pretty bad.”

“Jeez,” said Lily with a wince. “I hope he's okay, he's the only decent one out of you four.”

James poked his tongue at her and she laughed.

“You're not wrong,” he admitted. “He doesn't deserve any of this.. I'm gonna talk to Sirius, see if I can make things right.”

“You better,” said Lily, biting her bottom lip, pensive. “Remus is not one to ignore his friends like this, and it feels weird seeing you three without him.”

“Don't I know it,” sighed James.

After the end of the feast and a yet incredibly weird Dumbledore speech, they all got up, ready to rejoin their dorms. Sirius was trailing behind the group, dragging his feet. James decided he wouldn't miss his opportunity and deliberately slowed down to let Sirius catch up with him.

“Hey mate,” said James, unsure of where to start for a change.

“Hey,” replied Sirius without looking up.

James took a sharp breath in. Talking to a sad Sirius would be way harder than talking to a sad Moony. They were both so different.

“It's okay you know. I mean it's not but.. it will,” said James risking a glance towards Sirius, who was smiling faintly at his friend's legendary eloquence. “You don't have to, you know.. starve yourself over it. And you need to sleep..”

“He hates me,” interrupted Sirius. His voice was quiet and weak and he was no longer smiling.

“No he doesn't,” replied James just as softly. “He was just scared. He's still scared. But he loves you, we all do.”

They had come to a stop, James didn't remember when, but Peter and the girls had disappeared in front for a while now. The corridor was empty and strangely silent.

“I don't deserve your affection.”

James punched him in the shoulder, playfully but still a bit hard and Sirius yelped and jumped away from him.

“Don't deserve it? You're Sirius Black! My best friend. I can't count how many times you took the blame for me and went to my detentions so I could go to Quidditch practice. I can't count the number of times you stood up for me, and hexed some Slytherin idiot who made fun of my glasses. You're our prank master, you come up with so many great ideas, we would get nothing done without you. You care for us and we care for you. Yes you are stupid, yes you are an asshole and yes you've made a mistake, but don't think for a second that means you're not worthy of love, because you are.”

“Shut up,” grunted Sirius.

“Never,” grinned James.

Arriving at the Gryffindor tower, they went straight to their dorms, passing by all the students still hanging out in the common room. James was nervous. For the second time that day he didn't know where Remus was and he didn't like it. He had not forgotten about the night his friend was attacked.

But James's anxiety disappeared as soon as they opened the door to their room. Remus was sitting on his bed, emptying his trunk while talking to Peter. He looked up when Sirius and James entered the room and smiled shyly at James, although he still looked unsure of how to act around his boyfriend. Or former boyfriend. James wasn't certain.

“Moony?” Sirius's voice was loud and clear. He looked calmer and more self assured than he had in the corridor with James.

“Yah.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I know.”

And that was that.


	11. Valentines day

The first week of the semester went by very slowly. Classes were harder than ever and all the teachers were on edge, irritated and often frustrated by the lack of results in their students. James would blame it on the stress of fifth year and the OWLs approaching but he knew better. There was a war on after all.

It wasn't easy to forget, even locked away in a safe place, far from any type of battlefield. The newspapers only brought stories of death and worry. Smiles were rare at the breakfast table during the morning paper delivery.

The Marauders were all back on speaking term but their conversations carefully avoided upsetting subjects such as the war. Sirius seemed as though he was trying to deny its existence entirely. It was probably unconscious, James thought, Sirius was so used to pretend his family didn't exist, it simply extended to everything related to the Blacks. And the Blacks' involvement in the war was undeniable.

To counteract that state of perpetual anxiety residing in the castle, the Marauders had decided it was time for them to step up to their reputation and restore even a little bit of lighthearted fun in the school.

They had started slow, during the second week, without even concerting each other. James had taken up the habit to dye the walls, floor and ceiling of the corridors he walked in on his way to class bright pink. Peter, usually right behind him, enchanted the portrait so that each of their words would just project blue bubbles on the person in front of them. Remus had mastered a spell which produced an extremely strong smell of his choice in a very large area and Sirius was having fun dying every teacher's hair bright orange.

Fair to say it was very simple to know where they were at all times, one only had to follow the pink path and the bubbles. Their spells were lacking in power and intensity though so they wore off pretty quickly and were extremely easy to break, but the teachers seemed to enjoy this distraction and rarely ever bothered with a counter spell.

No one was oblivious to the identity of the people responsible either, but it became a running joke in the school to wonder out loud about the strange phenomenon.

“There must be a leak in some pipe, it reeks of lavender around here.”

“This castle is always full of mysteries. Bubbly mysteries.”

“I'm really sorry I forgot my essay in my dorm Mr. Weasl.. Mr. Slughorn sorry.”

It was hard to maintain a gloomy atmosphere in these conditions and soon enough everyone's good mood was boosted. The Marauders quickly realized that small and simple things helped making people happier. But the four boys weren't meant for small and simple things.

“We need something bigger. We need to combine our strengths. We need the whole castle to be pink and bubbles to be _everywhere_.” Sirius was sitting on his bed, agitating his hands as the idea unraveled in his head. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon and Quidditch practice had been canceled by a bitter Alice, who hated bad weather even more than she hated losing.

“I don't know... If we're gonna do something bigger it might as well be something we haven't done before,” answered Remus, pensive.

Laying on the floor playing with his snitch, his legs propped up against his own bed, James smiled. It took a while for things to be normal again, and sometimes it still wasn't because not all was forgiven, but at least this moment felt like they were all back in first year, excited about this newly found and wonderful friendship.

They would come back stronger from their fallout. If they could get over this important of a betrayal and a near-death experience, they could get over anything. The Marauder's era was far from being over and James couldn't be happier about it.

“I agree we need to do something different, but that's still fun and harmless,” said Peter, looking up from his charms textbook. “We still have the Polyjuice after all.”

“No, not the Polyjuice, not now,” James intervened. “Severus knows about Moony and he's seen him human on the full moon, remember? With Lily? He's bound to ask questions. Too dangerous.”

“Too dangerous? Who are you and what have you done with James Potter?” asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow playfully. “You used to live for danger, you were the best trouble maker out of all of us..”

“And I still am,” interrupted James. “And I still love the thrill of danger, but I'm not risking getting us expelled. I'm putting my foot down, no Polynectar.”

“Fine,” sighed Sirius. “You've got a better idea genius?”

“Actually, yeah I do.”

They started preparing for the prank that very night. D-day was only a couple of weeks away and there were many components involved. While Remus stayed in their dorm doing research in his many books of Herbology and Charms, James, Peter and Sirius headed out to Hogsmeade with the cloak and a new sense of wonder. Having a new big project to focus on together filled them with joy and Sirius was skipping in the tunnel to Honeydukes.

“This is gonna be awesome! I can't believe we've never thought about doing something like this before!”

“Thank Godric you have me, right?” sighed James, rolling his eyes playfully.

“I've said it before and I will say it again, we would all be lost without you Prongs.”

James ruffled up his hair with an exaggeratedly confident smile and Peter laughed.

“We're here boys!” he giggled.

“Great!” said Sirius excitedly. “Prongs give us the cloak, we'll need it more than you. And you'll probably be done before us so you don't have to wait for us to go back to Hogwarts.”

“Yeah that's fine!” replied James, handing him the cloak and opening the trap door leading to Honeydukes' cellar. Despite his immediate agreement, he found the request a little weird. The path from Hogsmeade to the statue of the humpbacked witch was long and could be extremely boring when walked alone, that was why they usually came in pairs. He was more than willing to wait until his friends were done so that they could walk back together but he didn't dare to question Sirius's reasoning. Their newly repaired friendship was strong, but James still thought it best to avoid arguments when he could.

“I'll see ya when I see ya!” He waved his friends goodbye as they left the shop.

 _Time for business_ , he thought as he turned around to face the mountains of sweets piling up from floor to ceiling. Thousands and thousands of bright colored candy , wrapped in packages that came in all shapes and sizes, Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum _,_ Fizzing Whizzbees, chocolate frogs that croaked faintly inside their boxes, Ice Mice, Tooth-Splintering Strongmints, Remus' most treasured Sugar Quills and James' favorite Pink Coconut Ice. There was so much and everything looked so good.

James didn't know what to look at, where to start. After a good ten minutes of intense inner debate, he decided on three enormous crates, respectively overflowing with Flavour Beans, Chocolate Wands and Exploding bonbons. He would have to come back every night for more, because three crates was all he could levitate at a time, especially all the way back to the castle.

Before leaving, James pulled out his wallet and started calculating mentally just how much he owed the store. Thanking his incredible luck to have been born in such a wealthy family, he just about emptied his pouch on the counter and left a note explaining what he had took. A reverse receipt, he thought, smiling to himself.

And he went back on his way. Levitating the huge boxes in this tiny tunnel, James understood why Sirius had not wanted him to wait for them. His way back took him twice as much time as his way there. His arm hurt from keeping it up straight but had to be precise in his wand movements, leading the crates. Several times he accidentally knocked them into each other and a few Chocolate Wand packages fell, but he didn't bother picking them up. They would be a nice surprise snack for Sirius and Peter when they made their own way back.

Finally at Gunhilda's statue, James put his hand in his pocket, unconsciously looking for the map to check if anyone was around or on the way to the Gryffindor tower. Then he remembered he had lent the map to Sirius, and that he didn't need it anyway. As per usual, Remus had taught them the prefect patrols, which he scheduled. None of the other prefects loved planning, organizing and administration tasks as much as Remus and it became very useful for The Marauders to walk around the castle at night, knowing exactly which path to avoid and when.

The entire Gunhilda's corridor was supposedly empty for the next thirty minutes, so it was in blind trust that James levitated the crates out of the hole before lifting himself up onto the ground of the third floor.

“What do you think you're doing?”

 _Shit_. The voice was familiar, too familiar. And that strong smell of apples wasn't Remus's doing but the smell of a shampoo James knew too well. Accepting his fate, he turned around to face an amused Lily Evans.

“Well Potter I didn't think today would be the day I'd witness you crawling out of a hole, but I guess I was wrong.”

James laughed nervously. Lily's beautiful hair was a bit messy and her smile looked sad. Like every other muggleborn, the war was taking a toll on her and she seemed more tired than usual.

“There's a first time for everything,” James shrugged.

“If you say so,” replied Lily, pulling on a string of her hair. “Now, may I know why the hell you're out after curfew, looking like you just robbed Honeydukes?”

James bit his lip and suddenly realized what his friends had done. Remus had scheduled Lily to be here at that exact time. Sirius and Peter had encouraged him to go back to the castle without them. This was a set up to get him to be alone with Lily. He took a second to fully acknowledge how inventive and evil and amazing the Marauders were before answering.

“Details are confidential but there may be some minor pranking involved.”

“Minor pranking uh?”

“Don't ask and I shall tell no lies.”

James was prepared for this, he had spent the last four years of his life dreaming of a one on one with Lily. This was the best late Christmas present he had ever received. But yet he felt hot and sweaty and his heart suddenly started beating really fast. Probably from all the walking and the levitating he had done. He ruffled up his hair and smiled at her, trying to look confident.

“Where are you planning on putting this anyway?” Lily gestured to the three crates behind James. “Because I guarantee you that you will die if you try eating all of it.”

“It's not all for me,” answered James. He really did not want to lie to Lily so he wasn't going to. “And I'll stock it in the abandoned classroom on the second floor.”

“Peeves' room? Good luck with that.”

“Oh he's in on it, he always lets us borrow his room for storage!” said James with a smile. “Besides it's the only room everyone avoids, so no risk of getting caught. I think Peeves kinda likes us actually.”

He levitated the crates once again and started walking towards the closest staircase, in the mindset that she would have already given him a detention if she was going to. Lily sighed and followed him down the dark corridor.

“No wonders. Sometimes it seems like there's five poltergeists in this school instead of one.”

“Can't argue with that. We love poltergeisting.”

Apparently Remus had planned Lily's patrol to trace exactly the path he had planned for James, so she followed him down to the second floor and even helped him settle the crates in a corner of Peeves' room.

“You sure he won't mess with it?”

“Don't worry about it, Peeves keeps his promises.”

“Somehow I found that hard to believe.”

They walked back to the Gryffindor tower together, talking about the ghosts and their different encounters with them. James realized with surprise that Lily was very easy to talk to, she was fun and the conversation flowed effortlessly. She scrunched up her nose when she laughed.

Time flew by and soon enough they found each other in front of the Fat Lady's portrait. James would have gladly kept walking and done at least a dozen laps around the castle just enjoying Lily's company and talking about everything and nothing, but she didn't see it that way.

“To bed you go Potter, I have other rulebreakers to catch,” she said pointing to the portrait. “And I better not find the rest of your friends roaming about with half a ton of candy.”

“Can't promise that you won't,” James winced playfully. “ _Consuetudo._ ”

The portrait swung back and just before James slid through the hole, he turned around to watch Lily walking away. Her beautiful red hair bounced behind her and James felt a pinch in his heart. The last fifteen minutes were the happiest he had been in a long time.

He went back to his room with butterflies in his stomach and a brain full of thoughts. Sirius and Peter hadn't come back yet but Remus was waiting for him by the door. He really was a timing genius.

“So?”

James laughed at his friend's impatient expression and sat on his bed.

“Went really well. Surprisingly well. Candies arrived safely. Got caught by Lily but she didn't give m detention and I don't think she's gonna tell anyone.”

“Lily was here?” said Remus faking innocence. “What a coincidence, I must have mixed up the shifts.”

James threw his shoe at him and they both burst out laughing.

 

It took four weeks for them to collect and grow all the materials they needed. James, Sirius and Peter went down to Hogsmeade twice a week in order to complete everything in time. Peeve's room was completely filled with candies from top to bottom, but the ghost had kept his word and didn't mess with it one bit. James had dug a serious hole into his allowance to pay for everything but it was worth it and Sirius had helped him from time to time.

When the day of the prank finally came, the four boys could barely contain their excitement. Sirius couldn't sit still in class and his fidgeting got him a few severe glances from McGonagall. James was so nervous he dropped the vial containing his potion right before handing it in to Slughorn.

When the bell finally rang the end of class they all practically ran towards the Great Hall. They sat at the Gryffindor table grinning from ear to ear, waiting for all the tables to fill up. The food in front of them looked delicious but the knot in James' stomach prevented him from eating anything. He crossed his fingers under the table for the Teleportation spell to work correctly. It remained their one unstable component, very complex magic that Remus had spent hours and hours perfecting. In all situations Moony was their engineer, and contrary to popular belief, he was the great conductor of all the Marauders' pranks.

The four boys were staring intensely at the entrance of the hall, refusing to miss their window of action. They were all so on edge they were unconsciously leaning forwards, mouths agape. Finally Severus Snape made his way in the dinning hall and Remus drew his wand under the table swiftly. The wordless spell hit its target perfectly, and before anyone could blink all hell broke loose.

Thousands and thousand of lilies came flying out of underneath Snape's robes, from behind his ears and greasy hair. He kicked around and patted himself with a terrified look on his face, unable to understand where the flowers came from. It was a continuous flow and it didn't seem like it was ever gonna stop. Everyone in the Great Hall was looking, laughing and pointing at him, or watching the lilies dances above their heads with wonder. It was a beautiful dance that Sirius was leading with his wand from under the table, pink, white and yellow melting together like fireworks.

When the flowers finally stopped coming, Snape tried running out of the hall to escape the laughs, but after a couple of steps he was tripped by a Nougat Chunk. Then another one. Then another one. Soon enough he was incapable of running any further, paralyzed by the hundreds and hundreds of candies escaping from his robes.

Fudge Flies, Chocolate Frogs, Jelly Slugs, Pumpkin Pasties, Sugared Butterfly Wings and about everything ever sold at Honeydukes came crashing on all the tables in an explosion of colour. Laughs and excited screams filled the hall as the students (and a few teachers) filled their pockets with everything that had fallen in front of them.

In the middle of all of this chaos, Dumbledore had stood up and opened accepting arms.

“Happy Valentines day everyone! Thank you Severus for your generous presents.”

The Great Hall burst in cheers and applause. At each table, students were raising their glasses and toasting to the statement.

Getting maybe a bit carried away by the collective euphoria, James picked up a lily that had fallen close to him and raised it in Lily's direction. Their eyes met and they smiled at each other, a dozen seats apart.

“Happy Valentines day,” James whispered, hoping she couldn't read lips.

He would have sworn she had blushed before turning away and in that moment, in a rainstorm of lilies and sweets, James Potter and Lily Evans were the only two people in the world.

 

 

 

 


	12. Love

The couple of weeks after the Valentine's day prank, James found himself carefully avoiding Lily, being quieter than usual in the common room to not attract her attention. He didn't know why but he had started doing it unconsciously. He looked away when he caught her looking at him and he didn't try to strike up a conversation once.

In the past, he would have been shameless about openly asking her out or flirting loudly and badly, and getting rejected in public. Now he felt that things were different between them. They were older and a lot had happened in their four years of knowing each other.

And now, somehow, by some miracle, they had managed to have two conversations without killing one another, without awkwardness or one storming out of the Great Hall. The first time had been during the first evening of the semester, when Remus didn't show up for dinner. Back then James had been too busy worrying about the whereabouts of his friend to realize exactly who he was talking to, and had completely forgot to try to impress her. The second time had been forced by circumstances planned out by the rest of the Marauders, when Lily caught him sneaking three crates of candies into the school.

Both of the conversations had been effortless, like he talking to an old friend. But Lily was not an old friend. She was a terrifyingly beautiful girl, with a sharp tongue and emerald eyes. She was the most brilliant witch her age, powerful, talented, and so incredibly charming. She also seemed to be the only girl in school to not be into Quidditch players and irresistible pranksters.

She was way out of his league. It was not the first time this thought had occurred to James and it would not be the last.

James started doodling absentmindedly over the one line of notes he had taken. History of Magic continued to be overwhelmingly boring. On his left Peter was dozing off, slouched forward onto his desk. Next to him Remus was taking halfhearted notes while trying to deflect vicious tickling attacks from Sirius and his quill. James looked over at them and saw in them what him and Lily could be.

They were in love, so in love, and James couldn’t believe he hadn't noticed it before Sirius told him. As per usual he had shown the observational skills of a brick wall by not realizing his two best friends were dating. But now love was all he could see between them. The light that shined in Sirius' eyes when he looked at Remus was far too bright to simply belong in the realm of friendship.

Deep down, James was jealous of them. Not that he would ever admit it, but he often found himself envying their relationship, this incredible bond they shared, that caused them to unintentionally mimic each other's movements and be so perfectly in sync at all times, through the ups and downs. They completed each other wonderfully. James wasn't sure whether or not he believed in soulmates but in his mind, Sirius and Remus were the closest thing to it.

When the bell finally rang the end of class, everyone got up slowly, some stretching, still trying to fight the drowsiness provoked by Professor Binns's voice. James couldn't wait to drop out of History after his OWLs. In the five years he had attended this class he had only paid attention once, during the lecture on the long battle of werewolves for equal rights. It goes without saying that this class had been particularly depressing.

James picked up his pace to match with his friends, trying not to stare at Remus and Sirius, who always walked exactly at the same speed and extremely fast. He exchanged a look with Peter, also lagging behind a little bit as per usual.

“It's those long legs they got, I'm telling you,” wheezed Peter, holding his side.

“Pete my friend, one day I promise you we'll get our revenge for all those times they've left us behind,” whispered James back at him.

“We better,” answered Peter grumpily.

James laughed at his obvious discontentment and the curious stares of Sirius and Remus turned to him.

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Sirius, who hated to be the one to miss out on a joke.

“Oh you know,” James shrugged, trying not to smile. “Discourteous giraffes with no respect for other people's physical capabilities.”

Sirius and Remus looked at each other before turning back to James in a perfectly synchronized movement. James bit his lip not to laugh and Sirius squinted.

“For some reason I kinda feel like that's a poke at us.”

“No idea why you would think that,” answered James innocently while winking at Peter.

“Well if Prongs and Wormy are done flirting I wanted to go to the library to finish my essay on the Vanishing Spell for McGonagall,” said Remus unconsciously borrowing Sirius's nonchalant tone.

Peter winced at the words and Remus looked away uncomfortably. Sirius and him had been wanting to tell Peter about their relationship, but had been afraid to do so considering their friend's pureblood and relatively conservative upbringing. All week they had been dropping light hints, or vaguely mentioning homosexual tendencies to evaluate Peter's reactions, which hadn't been extremely good so far.

James felt a pinch in his heart upon seeing Remus' worried face. He couldn't possibly imagine how it felt, being scared to be your true self around the people dearest to his heart. Being both a werewolf and gay, Remus belonged to two of the most marginalized communities in the wizarding world in the seventies. He had been sorted into Gryffindor for a reason, thought James with a sad smile.

“Oh no I forgot I had that detention with Slughorn tonight,” sighed Peter, unaware of the discomfort he had caused in his friends. “Don't wait for me at dinner, I'll probably be scrapping cauldrons all night til my arms fall out.”

“Let's hope not,” answered James.

Remus headed to the library and Peter to the dungeons. James and Sirius walked to the common room in silence, which was unusual for them. James tried to think of something to say to brighten the mood but fell short.

His thoughts always seemed to come back to Lily and how much he longed for the type of relationship Sirius and Remus had. One with laughter, bickering and just as much love. One passionate, complicated and so incredibly worth it.

“When did you know?” James was surprised when he heard his own voice rise, he hadn't meant to ask the question out loud. Judging from Sirius's confused expression, it was necessary to clarify. “I mean when did you know you were in love?”

Sirius looked at him for a second before turning back to look straight ahead. His brow was furrowed and James wondered if maybe asking this was insensitive. He was about to tell him to forget about it when Sirius answered.

“I don't know,” he said, putting his long hair up in a bun with his wand. “I guess I never really thought of it. I don't think it's one specific moment though.”

James nodded in approval but didn't add anything. He wanted to hear about Sirius's opinions and personal experience. He was his best friend after all, but yet they had never truly discussed love and relationship as extensively as they did everything else. It somehow felt taboo to talk about, like it would put a damper on their masculinity. Which was stupid, James thought. And even if it was socially true, masculinity was nothing more than another elaborate construct. Not an actual real thing that could be hurt.

“I guess when I realized I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without him,” continued Sirius, profoundly focused, his eyes staring into nothing. “It's cliché to say but it's true. I couldn't stand to lose him.”

They exchanged a look and smiled at each other shyly before Sirius shoved James's shoulder.

“Why you asking stupid questions for? It's not like you haven't been talking our ears off since first year about how Evans is your one and only.”

“No, I know I'm in love and I'm sure of it. I just wanted to know how it felt to love someone who loves you back.”

Sirius made a strange face as he slid through the portrait hole and James realized what he had just said.

“That sounded way more depressing than what I meant, sorry about that Pads, I'm not depressed, just curious. When I see you with Moony.. I just keep wishing I had the same thing with Lily.”

“What's stopping you?” asked Sirius, opening the door to their dorm before flinging himself onto his bed. “You two have been somewhat decent to each other lately, so just talk to her! Ask her out to Hogsmeade like a normal person, instead of going insane reviewing every possible outcome like you always do.”

James bit his lip and resisted the urge to throw his pillow at Sirius, who was surprisingly right. James did overthink and overcomplicated everything when it came to Lily, but he couldn't help it. Deep down he knew why. It was the only thing in his life he didn't allow himself to mess up. It was the one thing in his life he had to do right.

“It's not that easy.”

“Why not?” Sirius had adopted a worried tone that wasn't his. He sounded like Remus.

“What if I'm not enough for her?” James whispered. Sirius got up and sat next to James.

“You don't have to be enough. You just have to be you,” he said gently, in the most un-Sirius-like manner. “'The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.'”

James paused for a second, assessing what he had just heard, then laughed and shoved his friend away.

“Thank you Grandma, got any more sappy advice?”

“Piss off, you asked!” said Sirius, looking mildly offended but still laughing with him. “It's from a book Moony lent me!”

“I didn't know you could read!” teased James, opening his eyes wide and pretending to be shocked. He didn't point out the irony in Sirius quoting a book, which was a typical Moony thing to do. Remus and Sirius were slowly transforming into each other and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Shut up I mean it,” replied Sirius, shoving back James. “Stop trying to be someone you're not in front of Evans. I can guarantee you that your fake layer of self assurance is not what she wants to see. Stop trying to please her by pulling ridiculous stunts you think she'll like. Allow yourself to be true and vulnerable in front of her, and if somehow that's not enough for her then she doesn't deserve you.”

James stared down at his feet for a second, wondering where Sirius learned all this. Of course the wording was probably Moony's but the raw emotion he had shown came from a deeper and more personal place. Sirius had spent his earliest years trying to prove himself to his family, only to understand later down the line that the Blacks were not worthy of him. Trying and failing to gain the approval of a family that didn't know love had shaped Sirius in more ways than one. Of course the situation at hand here was very different, but it was obvious that it reminded Sirius of unpleasant memories.

“You're right. Thank you,” said James, squeezing his friend's shoulder with a warm hand.

“Anything for you Prongs.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Sneak into the trophy room with me?”

“I thought you'd never ask.”

So they went on their way, concealed under the cloak. Sirius didn't once ask James about his plan and James didn't once thought about explaining it to Sirius.

The door creaked when they entered but no one was there. Everyone was probably down in the Great Hall for dinner and James had a thought for Remus who was probably waiting for them there. He would perhaps be sad to not have been included but it had been a very spontaneous decision, a spur-of-the-moment type of prank and he would understand that.

After locking the door behind them, James put the cloak away in his robe and headed towards the shelves holding the Quidditch trophies. It only took him a second to find the Quidditch Cup they had won the previous year, red, gold and beautiful, which read “Winner of the Inter-House Quidditch Cup 1974-1975: Gryffindor team led by Captain Alice Prewett”

James vanished the glass protecting the cups wordlessly while Sirius stood behind him watching. He tapped the trophy with his wand a couple of times, and the letters twisted and danced to form “Captain James Potter”. With a satisfied grin on his face, he put the glass back before turning to Sirius, who was also smiling from ear to ear.

“May I ask why you did that?” he said, in an amused tone.

“You may.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Alice will be so mad I'm certain she will attempt to murder me dramatically sometimes this week. And if I'm lucky and Lily sees it, she will _know_ there's nothing between me and Alice and this whole 'making her jealous thing' will die down like it should have a long time ago,” answered James, absentmindedly tapping the glass with the tip of his fingers. “Besides I always wanted to have my name on one of those things.”

“James Fleamont Potter you are a criminal mastermind and the biggest idiot I've ever had to opportunity to meet.”

“You love me really.”

“I do.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Sirius is refering to is 'The way of Chuang Tzu' from Thomas Merton!
> 
> I'll be visiting my family out of town for a couple of weeks, but I banked chapters so hopefully I can bribe my little sister into posting them for me! (I can't take my computer with me, the old thing would die)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!!


	13. Alice

“James Fleamont Potter you entitled piece of shit!” Alice's voice echoed in the entire common room as she came storming out of the portrait hole.

James jumped out of the couch and onto his feet, hand on his wand, already preparing his Shield Charm in case she was done talking and ready to skip straight ahead to hexing.

“Did you think I wouldn't notice? Did you think somehow somewhere what you did was in any way okay?” she continued, planting herself right in front of him, lightning bolts shooting out of her eyes. “You know what, it's not even about what you _did,_ it's about the intention behind it.”

She was no longer screaming but her voice was dangerously low. For a split second James thought about escaping the situation and run to his dorm, but he knew he wouldn't get away with it that easily. Besides, causing a public scene was his plan all along and he couldn't just abandon it as soon as he was confronted to the actual consequences of his actions: about twenty pairs of eyes staring at him, burning a whole in the back of his neck. Lily was of course one of them, sitting at the other end of the room. She appeared to have been in the middle of her daily ritual of writing a letter to her sister but she was now looking up at Alice and James, the tip of her quill brushing against a faint smile.

“I thought you were my friend, but this is a low blow, even for you Potter,” continued Alice.

It was perfect. Exactly what James would have made her say if he could have scripted the fight. But she said it too quietly and there was no way Lily could have heard that from all the way across the common room.

James took a courageous step forward, closer to Alice, whose rage was emanating actual heat. Trying to look as menacing as possible for everyone looking, he squared his shoulders, towering over her, for once being grateful for his height he usually found unpractical. He leaned towards her til their noses were practically touching.

“I'm gonna need to you to speak louder Captain,” he whispered, nodding vaguely in Lily's direction. A wave of relief overwhelmed him when he saw the sudden comprehension settle in her face.

“You're a fucking idiot,” she whispered back, shaking her head softly.

“Yeah I get that a lot,” smiled James.

“And if you think for a second that little scheme is going to work, you are dead wrong Potter!” she said, much louder this time and James was satisfied to hear her voice filling the silence of the room. “You greedy, selfish little bastard!”

She put her hands on her chest and pushed him away, hard. James was taller and had a very athletic build, but Alice was the best Beater the Gryffindor team had had in years and was much stronger than him. James put a foot behind him to keep his balance, but managed to trip on his own schoolbag, and fell straight to the floor.

He winced from the pain echoing from his lower back to his scarred chest. Of course there was no way Alice could have known he had been recently injured, that secret remained between him, Madame Pomfrey and Peter. So he sucked up the pain and winked at Alice to reassure her.

“You okay?” she mouthed, looking very sorry.

James nodded discreetly before getting up, not without difficulty, hoping no one would notice him struggle.

“You are disrespectful and snobby and I wish I could never see your face again.” Alice continued once she knew he was fine. “You are so fucking lucky you even have a once of a talent so I can't kick you off my team, but you just know that if something like that ever happens again I will not fucking hesitate.”

James thought about interrupting her and bring his own spiciness to the fight, just to defend himself, but then thought he deserved to be publicly humiliated for blindsiding Alice and not telling her about the plan. Letting her insult him in front of an audience was a good way to make it up to her so he just let it happen, crossing his arms across his chest and biting his lip, trying to look remorseful.

“See you at Quidditch practice tomorrow if your enormous head hasn't exploded until then.”

And she stormed off, leaving as swiftly as she entered. Embarrassed, James passed a hair through his unruly hair and smiled at a group of terrified looking second years.

“She must have been in a bad mood, she usually just hexes me,” he shrugged to them, before sitting back down on the couch and returning to his homework. He was glad his friends had been down in the kitchen for their weekly raid and had missed the entire scene. They would have never let him live it down.

James tried to tune out the giggles and whispers filling the common room to focus on his work. He resumed his scribbling on his copy of Advanced Potion-Making, ignoring the pain in his chest and how difficult it made it to move his arm. He didn't want to draw attention to it and risk getting questions he could provide no answers to.

So far neither Remus nor Sirius had questioned his version of what happened down at the Shrieking Shack. Peter knew of course, but Peter had always been the person to turn to when you didn't want a secret getting out. He was the most loyal friend of all, and when James had asked him not go mention the scars, he had understood and agreed immediately.

Unconsciously placing a hand on his chest, James leaned over his schoolbook to try to decipher what he had just wrote. His handwriting was as messy as his hair, which he ruffled up with a sigh.

“Hey can I sit here?”

Before he could answer he felt someone sitting next to him. Annoyed, he rose from his book and turned to face a mass of wavy auburn hair and a sweet smell of apples. Lily.

“Erh hum what... I mean yeah, I mean sure.”

Trying to compose himself, James leaned forward to pick up his quill he had dropped from the shock. He could already feel his heartbeat fasten and his stomach growing heavy. He pinched himself, hoping the pain would wake him up from whatever type of trance he always seemed to fall under whenever Lily was near.

“Marlene wanted me to talk to you.”

“Why's that?”

Lily sighed and James tried not to stare at her lips. She obviously didn't want to be there and was annoyed to have been disturbed in the middle of her letter writing session. James turned around to look all the way across the common room and saw Marlene looking anxiously at them, twisting her hands.

“Is she okay?” James was worried now, it wasn't like Marlene to send someone to talk in her place.

“Oh she's fine, believe me,” answered Lily a bit bitterly. “Just worried about Quidditch practice.”

“Quidditch practice?” Now James was confused. “I don't understand, why would she be worried about that?”

Lily looked uncomfortable and like she wanted to be anywhere else but here. She crossed her arms across her chest and sighed.

“She seems to be under the impression that...” Lily paused to bite her bottom lip and James' heart skipped a bit so he turned back to his book. “Since you and Alice broke up that Quidditch practices are gonna be unbearable. She thinks you're gonna be at each other's throats all the time, and she doesn't want to spend her only time away from studying watching you two argue. And I can't blame her, no one wants to see that.”

James chuckled flatly and passed a hand through his hair. He had a lot of trouble concentrating and thinking about what he wanted to say when Lily's knee was so close to his, so he moved away from her until the arm of the couch was digging into his back.

Her green eyes were holding his stare and for the first time in his life, James Potter couldn't think of a single thing to say. He forgot what she had just told him and why she was here. Panic instilled inside his brain and the only thing he thought was that he wished his friends were here, to give him that confidence he so desperately needed.

“She sent me to talk to you because she says I'm the only person you listen to apart from the Marauders,” added Lily with a smile.

“She's not wrong, you're a prefect and I'm already on detention every other day of the week, I'm not trying to get more,” James smiled back to her, wiping his sweaty hands on his robes.

“Oh really? I thought you collected those!” answered Lily, raising a perfectly arched eyebrow.

“Hilarious. Tell Marlene she shouldn't worry. Alice and I didn't break up because we were never together to begin with.”

Lily corrected her posture and sat straighter, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and James suddenly remember how soft her hair felt when they used the Polynectar a million years ago.

“Oh, I thought.. You guys just looked..” she hesitated.

“She's like my older sister. We never dated, never will.” interrupted James. He still felt really bad about the lie concerning him and Alice, even if it wasn't his doing. He was growing really tired of secrets and dishonesty, but he couldn't throw Remus under the bus. So he did what the Marauders would expect him to do: lie again.

“Alice has this guy she wanted to make jealous, so we passed around a rumor that we were going out, to help her,” explained James, trying to come up on the spot with something that would seem believable enough. “But at some point she realized deception wasn't the right way to the guy's heart, so we had to have a big public fight to make it seem like we broke up, even if we were never together to begin with.”

Lily sighed again and threw her hands in the air in desperation and in a perfect imitation of Alice dealing with James on the pitch.

“Why are you all so complicated? Can't you just talk to each other? Why does everything have to be a game?” she said, exasperated.

James shrugged, trying to not look too guilty.

“Being honest with one's feeling requires a certain type of courage that strangely seems to lack in the Gryffindor house. It's easier to make it into a game and to play pretend in order for it to feel more safe and more familiar. Love is unexplored territory. No one wants to be the first to get lost.”

Lily looked up at him with a strange expression on her face and James feared he had said too much.

“Talk out of your ass with that much conviction again and you might just make it out there in the real world kid,” she smiled finally.

“Piss off, I tried to answer your questions!” answered James, a little offended. He meant what he had said.

“They were rhetorical dumbass!”

“Well now I would normally answer something smart but I don't know what 'rhetorical' means!”

Their tones had been growing increasingly colder but upon that last sentence they looked at each other and laughed. Lily shook her head gently.

“You can ask Remus later.”

“Good. You can tell Marlene she had nothing to worry about.”

James was about to get back to his book when he noticed Lily was not standing up and didn't look like she was going to leave.

“There's one more thing I wanted to ask you,” she said, and James felt his heart tighten.

“Shoot.”

“When you fell earlier, when Alice pushed you..” Lily bit her lip once again and James started reading it as a sign of nervousness. “You're hurt, aren't you? Physically I mean. You tried to hide it, but you were in a lot of pain James.”

And then suddenly, all the anxiety, all the pain he was feeling, the worry and the heartache, everything lifted off his chest. She had called him James. Not Potter. James. Butterflies were going wild in his stomach. He was so happy it took him a bit longer than necessary to come up with an answer.

“Oh yeah, fell from my broom in the Christmas holidays,” he said quickly but unable to contain his smile. “Real tragedy.”

He could tell Lily didn't believe him but it didn't matter. She had called him James. James.


	14. Potions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Here's chapter 14, sorry it took so long! Hope you like it!

James spent a very uncomfortable night. His fall in the common room had probably triggered something in the magical wounds stretching across his chest because no matter which way he turned or which side he laid on, pain seemed to bounce off his ribs, dance on his collarbones and spread all the way to his hip. There was nothing he could do but lay in the dark and grin his teeth, kicking the covers off the bed before putting them back on every five minutes.

When the sun finally rose, James had barely gotten an hour of sleep. Getting up and going to class sounded like agony but he couldn't let his friends and classmates suspect anything. So he drew the curtains off his bed with his usual energy, and forced himself to turn his wince into a smile.

Their Wednesday mornings started with Potions, which could have left James feeling happier if it wasn't for the fact that it was a class they had in common with Slytherin. Nevertheless, he tried to find comfort in the fact that he would see Lily, and that thought immediately made him feel better. The butterflies in his stomach came back and suddenly the pain took a back seat in his mind.

Even if she didn't realize it in the moment, she had called him James, and for him, being on a first-name basis with Lily constituted a major development in their new and vulnerable somewhat friendship. Biting his lip, James remembered he had not told his friend about the conversation he had had with her. How could he, without mentioning that she saw that he was hurt, and that she had cared enough to ask about it? No, he definitely couldn't tell them. All he could do was repeating the moment in his head, over and over again. Wishing to be stuck in the instant.

When he entered the dark classroom, surrounded by his best friends all laughing to something he hadn't listened to, he felt a tug in his stomach upon seeing Lily. She had twisted her hair up into a bun and a few wavy strands had escaped her hair tie to rest gently on the back of her neck. She was sitting on the edge of a table, flicking pages of her book with her wand. It took a lot of effort from James to look away from her and turn back to the Marauders.

“I said would you partner up with me today Prongs?” asked Peter, looking up at his friend expectantly.

“Yeah sure, Pete,” answered James absentmindedly. “Let's go seat over there, there's tons of room and Slughorn won't see us talking,” he continued, dragging Peter to a table neighboring Lily's.

“Slughorn adores you, because of your dad,” grumbled Peter. “You could blow up ten Dungbombs under his nose and he would still call you his favourite student. You wanted to sit here to be closer to Evans, you can be honest about it.”

Peter  seemed really displeased about their sitting arrangements and James  looked back behin d him  to see  what was making his friend so unhappy.  Snape  was approaching Lily with his usual shark like smile. They greeted each other with a hug and  James felt another tug in his stomach, a much different one from earlier . In his euphoria to see Lily, he had completely forgot who her potion partner  had always been .

“Well, at least his hair looks a bit less greasy than usual, maybe he showered sometime this month,” whispered James to Peter, who smiled, all grumpiness forgotten.

“Given the smell, I doubt it,” he answered.

“Oh give the guy a break, it can't be easy everyday to be a bat pretending to be human.”

Peter laughed and admitted defeat. Battles in which they tried to outdo each other in insulting Snape had been a game since they all met in first year, and even though Remus was the indisputable champion, James was not far behind in the second place. Sirius lacked the concentration and Peter the creativity but it was still a fun way to blow out steam.

Slughorn entered the room with the usual  bounciness in his step and  opened wide arms to his class, eyes skimming across the room.

“How wonderful, it seems as though everyone is here!” he said, wearing a smile with too many teeth. “Miss Evans it was delightful to see you at our latest Club meeting, I wish to see you there more often! Oh and my favourite student, Mr. Potter, I do hope to see you there too one day, when your busy Quidditch schedule allows!”

J ames's smile was so fake he felt  like he might pull a muscle in his jaw,  but he relaxed as soon as he saw Snape fuming behind Lily,  p robably jealous that he never got an invitation.

“Today we are tackling the Draught of Peace,” continued Slughorn. “Can anyone tell me about the effects of such a potion?”

James raised his hand lazily. His father was a very skilled potion-maker and had been preparing this potion to counter with James' anxiety for a few years, and now that he was older it wasn't rare that he delegated to his son.

“It relieves anxiety and agitation and prevents panic attacks.”

“Very good Mr. Potter! What can you tell me about the side effects?”

J ames smiled.  Mastering the potion had been a trial and error process  which had made him  a little too familiar with the side effects of the Draught.

“There are none if the potion is correctly made, but adding too much of the ingredients can provoke a very deep sleep, permanent in the worst cases.”

“Excellent! Ten points to Gryffindor!”

J ames bowed and Lily rolled her eyes.

Slughorn flicked his wand and the instructions appeared on the black board  while the doors to the ingredient cabinet flung open.

“You have half an hour in duos to prepare me a perfect Draught of Peace. I want your phials, with your names on it on my desk by the end of class. Those who fail to bring me a perfect potion will have to write an essay on the different uses of the Draught in Wizarding medicine. Good luck everyone!”

P eter rushed to the cabinet to get the ingredients while James made space on the already cluttered desk and cleaned  up the cauldron. He couldn't help but notice that neither Snape nor Lily had moved, and that they were leaning  towards each other in an apparently very animated and quiet discussion. Pretending to adjust his brass scales, James moved over to get closer to them in order to try to make out what they were saying.

“I don't have to tell you about everything I do and everywhere I go!” Lily's tone was rushed and annoyed, despite the fact that she was whispering.

“I didn't say that, I just thought that you would have asked me to go as your.. you know, as your plus one.”

James nearly dropped  his scale but fortunately neither Snape nor L i ly were paying any attention to him.  Peter was just coming back, his arms filled with ingredients and James helped him laying them all on the table while shooting him a look he knew Peter would understand: ' S erious drama happening behind, don't talk  I'm trying to listen'. Peter nodded in understanding and James smiled at him thankfully. He would never have had this kind of  endorsement from Sirius or Remus. One would have pushed him to intervene and the other would have begged him to steer clear of the quarrelling pair.

“Sev, I didn't ask you because I knew you would hate it. I went with Mary, I didn't think it was a big deal!”

“Mary? Mary Macdonald? Lily, she's a... a muggleborn!”

J ames' eyebrows rose in surprise and it was everything he could do to not turn around and tell Snape off himself. 

“And so am I Severus,” Lily's tone was cold as ice now and James held back a smile. “Mary is my best friend, just as much as you are. And you have no right to have a problem with that.”

“I don't, I'm just.. I was surprised, that's all.” There was an uncomfortable pause in which neither Snape nor Lily said anything. “I'm gonna go get the stuff we need,” Severus added finally.

H e walked away and James thought about turning around and bring his support to Lily but decided against it  at the last moment . She was clearly upset and there was no reason for him to just waltz into a conversation he wasn't a part of.

Barely looking up at the board, he started adding the ingredients needed and stirring the potion until he obtained a perfect light blue colour.

“Have you done this with your dad?” asked Peter, looking rather impressed.

“Once or twice,” replied James, passing a hand through his hair, embarrassed. He didn't like to talk about his anxiety or the fact that he sometimes needed this potion to sleep. His friends saw him as courageous and unafraid, a real Gryffindor. He hated to admit that it wasn't always true. He could hardly admit it to himself.

He added the powdered moonstone and focused on his stirring to keep his mind of f it.  If he wanted to be honest with Peter, he would have told him he had done this a thousand times before, in  his dad's office, where the sunlight hit the window just right so you could see the dust particles floating around the room,  where everything was peaceful and quiet.

“Are you sure you added enough? It's not the right colour!”

The whispers came from the desk just behind them and once again James resisted turning around to help.  He looked for Remus and finally spotted him, arguing playfully with Sirius, just a couple of tables in front of them. Moony would have wanted him to mind his own business, so that's what he was going to do.

“Why is it red? Wasn't it supposed to be blue? Lily what do we do?”

Incapable of sitting still any longer, James turned around to face Snape. He tried not to look at Lily for too long, worried he might forget how to speak properly if he did.

“Did you stir it clockwise? Because if you did and there's not enough moonstone, it might take a little longer for it to turn blue.”

Lily rose an eyebrow but said nothing, while Snape seemed to be in an intense debate with himself o n what would be the best way to kill James.  He seemed to have settled on crushing, because he grabbed his mortar and pestle so hard his joints turned white. James raised both of his hand apologetically.

“Sorry! Couldn't help but overhear!” he said with a wince. “But if you stir it counter-clockwise and heat it up just a little bit more you should be good!”

“Why would we ever take your advice?” Snape finally snarled.

James shrugged and went back to his own cauldron, but he didn't miss the fact that Lily looked seriously pissed off at Snape.

“Sev! He was just trying to be nice!”

“Well I just don't believe him.”

“Though luck because I do. So get to stirring while I work on the fire. I really don't want to write the essay.”

James hid his grin in the smoke of his potion. Ruffling up his hair one more time, he let the steam fog up his glasses, like he always did when he was a kid playing in his dad's office.

“You look insane.”

“Love you too Pete.”

“Just being honest mate.”

Tuning out the sounds around him, J ames  tried to calm down his heart rate and not smile so har d, to not anger Severus any more than he already had .  While he wait ed for his potion to  go from purple to  pink, he realized that it was the first time Lily had given him reason over her slithery and greasy best friend.  I t was a real occasion to celebrate.

“Does it look like purple to you?”

“More like greenish...”

Hearing the hushed conversation behind them, James and Peter exchanged a glance. Without a word, James added the syrup of hellebore to their potion while Peter stuck out his chest, obviously very proud of their perfect looking Draught.

“Is it supposed to be this thick?” Snape's voice was a strange mixture of fake confidence and worry.

James looked at Peter desperately, and his friend  rolled his eyes at him but nodded, allowing him to intervene. That was all James needed to turn around.

“Don't worry about the thickness for now, it only gets important towards the last parts,” he said, this time looking decidedly at Lily. After the terrible night he had spent, he didn't have the patience to deal with Snape's irritability. “Which step are you on?”

“We're supposed to be adding the moonstone until it turns purple,” answered Lily gratefully. “I don't understand why it's not working, I'm usually good at this sort of stuff.”

“You are,” replied James immediately, “But this one is tricky and it takes a lot of practice to get it right.”

L ily smiled and Snape reacted instantly.

“No one asked you,” he said sharply. “We can do this on our own.”

J ames' blood boiled. He had barely slept and spent his entire morning trying to ignore the pain in his chest. Pain that could have been avoided if Snape had just helped him  fight off the wolf instead of running away on his own.

“She certainly can but I doubt it's your case,” James snapped. “When's the last time you brewed a potion that was merely acceptable, Snivellus?”

“James!” Lily looked furious. “Don't talk to him like that!”

Profoundly pissed off, at himself, Lily and most of all Severus, James went back to his table and promised himself it was the last time he ever tried to help anyone.  He bent down to take his book from his bag and slammed it on the desk, making Peter jump. 

S haking the powdered porcupine quills with his left hand, he scratched out a few angry notes on his  copy of Advanced Potion Making with his right hand.  He already had plenty of  notes covering the Draught of Peace, mostly advice from his father or  elements he had discovered himself, but more information didn't hurt.  'Potion turns green and thick when stirred by douchebag' he wrote in a barely readable scribble.

“Why do you have this?” The annoying voice rose again from behind him. “It's a NEWTs book. We haven't taken our OWLs yet.”

James turned back once again. All this back and forth was starting to make him feel dizzy, and the movements were starting to take a toll on his upper body. His left arm felt weirdly numb from the shoulder down and he realized too late he had dropped the porcupine quills on the ground.

“How observant of you. Pay that much attention to your own desk and you may finally do something above mediocre.”

“James!” Lily's eyes were closed and she was massaging her temples with her palms. She looked maybe even angrier that the two boys if it was possible. “Don't fall to his level. And he's right, we don't need that book for our OWLs.”

J ames shrugged.

“It was my dad's. I'm just trying to get a head start for next year.”

Snape's gaze drifted to the book in question and lingered on the scribbles covering every margin and blank spaces. Noticing the look of envy, James snapped the book shut and threw it back into his bag.

“Oh.” Lily's voice had considerably soften. “I didn't know you had any interest in studying. Or being serious about anything in general.”

“Oh no you're probably confused, I'm not serious, I'm James,” he answered with a large smile. “Sirius is the guy with the long black hair.”

Lily bit her lip to hold in a laugh and James beamed at her. Snape looked so angry James was prepared to see smoke coming out of his ears any secon d. The bell rang and James  suddenly remembered his own potion which he had completely neglected.  He turned back in such a hurry he  almost yelped in pain , but his Draught was a perfect white, and emitting its characteristic light silver vapour. Peter had saved the day once again.

“Thanks Wormy, sorry I didn't help.”

Peter dismissed his apologies with a wave of the hand and headed to the front of the class to turn in their phials while James cleared the desk and emptied their cauldron. He felt guilty to have spent so much time focusing on what was happening on the table behind them instead of helping his best friend with their shared assignment. He was determined to make it up to Peter.

Ignoring deliberately Lily, Snape and the pain in his chest, James threw his bag on his shoulder and walked out of the room, following his friend. Peter had already caught up with Sirius and Remus and the three of them were laughing ahead.

“James wait!”

He stopped dead in his tracks. He still wasn't used to hearing his name in Lily's voice, and if he was being honest, he couldn't imagine a more beautiful sound.

“What's up Evans?”

Lily caught up with him and copied his pace.

“I'm sorry about Severus,” she said quickly, looking behind her shoulder to check he wasn't following them. “He's been going through a lot, and he's usually much nicer I promise.”

James forced himself to laugh. He didn't see how this could be anything but a joke.

“He is!” she insisted. “And I seriously need you to stop taunting him.”

“Taunting him?” James' eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he felt anger slowly rise in him. All he had tried to do in this class was being helpful, and Snape was the one who had started everything with his contemptuous tone. And he could barely feel his fingertips.

“Well, he's jealous about your potion skills, he's obviously not as good as you but you don't need to rub it in his face. So just... leave him alone, will you?”

James shook his head and chuckled. Lily was apparently blind to the real issue between the two boys.

“You really think that's all he's jealous of?” he asked in the most nonchalant way he could, looking straight at Lily to read her expression.

“What else?” Lily shrugged.

“Nevermind,” James smiled. She looked sincere. “I have to go, will you tell Flitwick I'll be late for class?”

He had stopped at an intersection, just after the stairs coming up from the dungeons.

“Depends. Where are you going?” asked Lily suspiciously.

“Infirmary, ma'am prefect,” answered James with a bow that made him wince. “Am I allowed?”

Lily rolled her eyes before waking away.

“Piss off.”

James laughed. Being with Lily made the pain feel less intense, and deep down he had hoped she would have walked him to the infirmary. He tried telling himself that it was because he needed the distraction but it wasn't true. He needed her.

His feet carried him straight to the infirmary but his mind was elsewhere. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily and her hair, her eyes, her words. She was so incredibly strong and so beautifully humble. Both frightening and breathtaking. He couldn't believe his luck that they had been growing closer. Of course, they were probably far from being friends, but they were no longer strangers. And it was the most wonderful feeling of all.

James was standing in front of Madam Pomfrey before he could realize it.

“Something wrong my boy?” she asked, getting up from her chair behind her desk.

The nurse had been much kinder to him ever since he had been hurt by the wolf. She slid him a piece of chocolate every time he came to the infirmary to visit Remus after the full moons. James thought she probably pitied him and his permanent scars, and it bothered him at first but he tried not to think about it too much.

“Erh I can't really feel my arm,” shrugged James, and the pain the simple movement had provoked made him grin his teeth.

Madam Pomfrey rushed to his side and carefully patted his chest, first with her hand then with her wand. After a few minutes, she shook her head and sighed.

“I'm sorry my dear, but it's very common with magical scars, especially this size. There will be relapses in the pain and unfortunately there is not much I can do to prevent it.”

She grabbed James' valid arm with an iron grip and led him firmly to a nearly bed.

“Except force you to get some rest and give you something to help with the soreness.”

Her tone was commanding and James didn't have enough strength left in him to argue. He slid under the covers and brought them up to his chin while the nurse rushed to her office to grab the Sleeping Draught.

Waiting for her, James pulled his school bag onto the bed and started looking for his copy of Advanced Potion-Making. His bag was a mess of broken quills and inked stained crumpled up parchments, but it only took him a few seconds to realize his book was not there.

Sitting up suddenly, James tried to remember precisely everything he did leading up to this moment. He closed his eyes to focus, and after playing everything back in his head, he was forced to admit that his first intuition was right.

Snape stole his manual. Ironically, he probably did so while Lily told James what a nice guy he really way. A simple attraction spell mixed with the perfect distraction.

Madam Pomfrey put the Sleeping Draught on the night table next to him, and in this moment, the pain was so intense James had no other choice but to accept his fate and fall in a dreamless drowse.


	15. The rat

James snuck out of the infirmary as soon as he woke up from his two hour nap. The pain in his chest wasn't entirely gone but he could feel his arm and that's all he needed to check himself out, crawling to in front of Madam Pomfrey's desk to avoid being seen. He ambushed his friends as they made their way out of the greenhouses after their Herbology class.

“Code red, code red,” he hissed at them from behind, making them all jump.

“James!” exclaimed Remus. “Padfoot was ready to tear the whole castle down to look for you! Where have you been?”

“Around,” replied James dismissively, trying his hardest to look innocent. “There's more important. Code red.”

His fellows Marauders looked at each other with a confused expression before turning back to him. While Sirius and Peter were obviously trying their hardest not to laugh, Remus seemed extremely concerned.

“Prongs,” he said softly, leaning forward with his hands on his knees. “We do not have a colour based code. And you are sitting inside a bush. Have you been Confunded by any chance?”

James slapped an adventurous leaf from his face and crawled out of said bush slowly. The Sleeping Draught Madam Pomfrey had administered was stronger than he had anticipated, as he could not seem to remember why he had found camouflage, of all things, to be such a great idea. He felt a little dizzy.

“Not Confunded,” he replied, getting up from his knees and brushing the dirt from his robes. “Robbed.”

He stared into Remus's eyes dramatically and tried to steady himself. He had never noticed the ground was so far away from his head.

“From my most prized possession,” he continued, lowering his glance. He was just now realizing the full extent of the effects of the potion. It was a wonder he made it out of the castle.

Peter dived forward and managed to stabilize James at the last second. Sirius' look of amusement was slowly being replaced by the same concern Remus had been displaying from the start.

“Potter, you are a real drama queen,” he joked, with a faint and fake smile.

“You're one to talk,” grunted James, grasping at Peter's shoulder as if it were the only thing keeping him afloat in a stormy sea.

“Are you drunk?” asked Remus suspiciously, placing a supportive arm around James' waist.

“I wish,” sighed James. He tried coming up with a somewhat believable explanation to his state, but he fell short. His knees were heavy and he had to drag his feet to move.

“He's drunk,” concluded Sirius, helping James prop his arm over his shoulder.

Peter scurried in front, keeping a look out for teachers and making sure the pathway to their common room was empty while Remus and Sirius half carried half dragged James, who was slowly falling back asleep. Through all the foggy thoughts spiralling inside his mind, one kept coming back over and over again, clearer than the others: ' _I have the best friends in the whole world'_.

He couldn't believe his luck to have found those boys who completed him perfectly, and understood him to his core. When he was a small kid playing alone in his backyard, blowing on dandelions wishing for siblings, he never would have imagined he would one day have three brothers who would do anything for him. He would do anything for them.

“Why is he smiling like an idiot?” The voices were muffled and seemed to come from far far away, but they were so familiar and were assimilated with a feeling of safety, warmth.

“Because he _is_ a bloody idiot.” Maybe James was dreaming but Remus's tone was affectionate despite hints of worry. “Getting trashed at school, in the middle of the day. Where would he even find the alcohol? I just hope it isn't another breakdown provoked by some Lily related event, that boy doesn't deserve to get his heart broken.”

James could barely feel his face but he was certain his smile had grown considerably wider. His heart was not broken, it was as whole as could be. For a second, he allowed himself to forget about his missing book and a certain Slytherin nemesis, and focus on the wonderful feeling it was than to be cared for by the people who meant the most to him. He might never get Lily's love but he was fine with it, knowing he would always be surrounded by the purest friendship he could ask for.

He wanted to say something, tell Remus and Sirius how much he loved them, but his mouth moved slower than his brain so it wasn't words that came out but rather an unintelligible mess of syllables.

“Shut up and climb,” was the only answer he got, and he diligently dragged himself through the portrait hole, onto the floor of the common room. It was miraculously empty but a faint residual smell of Dungbombs still floated in the air. Peter had done what was necessary to insure them a safe and undisturbed travel and James took a second to fully appreciate the most underrated Marauder.

He staggered up the stairs to the boys dorms, Sirius pulling him and Remus pushing him. Everything was spinning but his grin hadn't disappeared. He closed his eyes and blindly trusted Sirius to lead him to his bed, and Remus to take off his glasses and tuck him in gently. He heard Peter close the curtains around him, an intense hushed conversation then pure silence.

 

James woke up the next morning utterly confused. It took him a few minutes to recognize his own bed and his body rid of pain. After grabbing his glasses, he sat up and opened the curtains, trying to be as silent as possible to not wake up his friends. The sun was just peaking above the horizon and the soft light of dawn was casting a golden glow across the entire room. Absent-mindedly, he slid a hand underneath his shirt and traced his scars with his fingertips.

The events of yesterday were particularly blurry in his mind and it took his best efforts to go through everything that had happened. There was the pain, the Potion class, the Calming Draught, Lily, her voice and her emerald eyes, Lily following him in the hallway, talking to him, biting her lip, then the infirmary, Madam Pomfrey, the Sleeping Draught, the strong strong Sleeping Draught. With a smile James remembered crawling into a bush and drunkenly annoying his friends as they carried him across half the castle.

Then the memory hit him. Snape. The book. James ran to his school bag brought back by the house elves and dug through it once more, hoping he was wrong and that his dad's manual was here waiting for him. But it wasn't and he was forced to admit the truth a second time.

Defeated, he collapsed on his bed and grunted, forgetting about his sleeping dorm mates.

“Hangover?” yawned Sirius, popping his head through the curtains surrounding his bed.

“Uh? Erh I mean, yeah, massive,” answered James, rubbing his forehead in a way he hoped was convincing.

Sirius hopped out of bed, quickly followed by Remus, and James tried not to blink at that fact. It had never occurred to him before that the couple would share a bed, and he kicked himself for not having realized it sooner, though he knew how careful and discreet the two boys could be. Remus was the proud inventor of the Muffliato Charm after all.

James sat up suddenly, remembering he had wrote down the instructions for the charm in his copy of Advanced Potion Making, now in the possession of Severus Snape. The definition of 'in the wrong hands'.

“You okay?” asked Sirius, looking at James over his shoulder. “You look a bit grey.”

James stiffly passed a hand through his hair and sighed. He hesitated telling his friends about the theft of his dad's book. The Marauders would without the shadow of a doubt seek revenge, and Lily's words were still sharp in James' head: ' _Leave him alone, will you?_ '.

And although first-year James had promised himself he would never do anything to provoke the wrath of Lily Evans, present day James settled on revenge. The promise had already been broken about a million times before, so what was one more? Besides, he needed to create a distraction for his friends so they wouldn't question him about his alleged drunkenness the previous afternoon.

“Snape stole my book,” he said. “Advanced Potion Making, the one my dad got me.”

“That old thing? The one you always doodle on?” asked Sirius, raising one eyebrow. “Why on earth would he want that?”

Remus slapped the back of his boyfriend's head with an offended look on his face.

“It's called taking notes, Pads. Not that you would know anything about that,” Remus looked up and stared at James, alarmed. “We have to get it back. Snape cannot know about some of the spells in this manual.”

James gravely nodded his agreement and threw his shoe at Peter's bed to wake him up. The three boys that were already awake sat in a circle on the floor of the room, joined a couple of minutes later by a slightly disorientated and dishevelled Peter.

“Marauder's Council this early?” he yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

“It's important,” said Remus.

“We need to break into the Slytherin dorm,” continued Sirius. Peter opened wide eyes, suddenly very awake and James almost broke his neck with how fast he turned to his friend.

“Hey who said anything about that? We just need to get the book back!”

“Which we cannot do without sneaking into Snape's dorm!” argued Sirius, “He may be ugly, but he's not that dumb, he would never carry with him something he stole another student.”

“There's some truth to that,” said Remus, his eyes staring into nothing. He looked extremely focused and James knew he was about to come up with another one of his perfectly engineered plans. “It might be time to put that Polyjuice into good use again.”

They agreed together that the sooner they acted the better, and despite Peter's protests, they decided on skipping breakfast and heading straight to the Slytherin dorms while everyone was down in the dinning hall. As tall as they all were, the time where they could all fit under the invisibility cloak were far behind them, and they drew straws to know who would have to assume the appearance of a Slytherin.

After a few failed attempts at summoning hairs from unsuspecting students, a greyish looking potion and some very painful seconds for Remus, they were finally on their way. To take less space under the cloak, Peter had taken his rat form and nestled deep inside James' pocket, nibbling on some leftover candy from the Valentines Day prank.

As for James and Sirius, they were having the time of their life whispering nonsensical instructions to a very grumpy looking first year Slytherin boy.

“Don't walk so fluidly, you need to look like there's a broom up your arse.”

“Put your chin up. Higher. Higher. Slytherins are too pure to even _see_ the ground.”

“Think dignity, class, elegance and blood supremacy.”

James was shaking so much from holding in his laughter, Peter's muzzle came out of his pocket to check out what was happening.

“I'm going to kill you both once this is all over,” Remus said, grinning his teeth. “Now shut up, we're here.”

They came to a stop in front of an apparently bare stone wall, in the dungeons. They were far underneath the castle and the temperature had dropped a few degrees since the Gryffindor tower.

“I can't believe they can stand living like this,” shivered Remus, looking above his shoulder to assure no one was around to hear him talk to seemingly no one.

“Snakes are cold-blooded creatures,” whispered back Sirius. “A bit like my mum.”

James snorted and was quickly silenced by Sirius's elbow digging in his ribs. Footsteps were echoing down the corridor. Someone was coming.

Remus adopted the most innocent looking face he could with the body he was given and opened wide terrified eyes as James and Sirius pressed themselves against the wall, trying to take as little space as possible in the narrow corridor.

Regulus Black stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing the minuscule blond boy standing alone in the hallway. James felt his best friend stiffen next to him at the sight of his brother, and without thinking he took his hand in a reassuring gesture.

“What are you doing standing here?” Regulus snarled.

“I forgot the password,” answered Remus with a candid smile that wasn't his. “What is it again?”

Regulus lifted his chin and passed by the small boy without looking back.

“ _Pouvoir,_ ” he said to the wall, which opened, revealing a passage to the darkest and gloomiest place James had ever seen. It was a thousand worlds away from the warm and homey Gryffindor common room. Silver chains were hanging from the stone walls and ceiling, and carved chairs had been carefully arranged around a fireplace no fire burnt in. The dark green rugs and wood cupboards made the entire room seem cold and unwelcoming. 

James wondered too late if th is part of the castle had a way of recognizing intruders, but Remus was already climbing the stairs to the boys dormitories and he had no other choice but to follow him.  James squeezed  Sirius 's hand to prompt him to move. H is friend was uncharacteristically stiff, and James  could tell from the way he was standing  that running into his brother had thrown him off.

T he marble staircase was loud and James and Sirius had to move slowly and quietly. A quick look at the map assured them no one was in the fifth year boys dorm, so  when Remus pushed the door open carefully, they followed him and took off the cloak.

“Bloody hell, imagine sleeping in that!” James said, trying to diffuse the heavy atmosphere. The walls surrounding them were high and covered with Medieval looking tapestries, depicting famous Slytherins defeating all sorts of monsters and blood covered enemies.

“Looks like my house,” shrugged Sirius, barely fazed by the environment.

James winced at Remus as soon as Sirius looked away.  They never had truly known how to deal with the subject of Sirius' family, given how dismissive he always got when it came up in conversation.

Unaware of the discomfort in his friends, Sirius raised his wand and casted an attraction spell to  draw the book to them. Nothing moved, but it was to be expected, as a lot of student put protective charms over their items to prevent from having objects flying across the room at all times, or discouraging theft. 

“Let's start looking, shall we?” said Remus. James could tell he was trying to sound enthusiastic but it was clear that none of them wanted to be here. “Pete? Can you help us please?”

J ames gave his  robe a little shake but the rat didn't move. Worried, James reached a hand in his pocket and  pulled out a sleeping Peter by the tail.

“Great. Well at least someone is feeling safe here,” smiled James. He didn't have the heart to wake up his friend a second time, so he just slowly put him back in his pocket. Although James would never trade his dear form for the world, he had to admit Peter being a rat was extremely convenient at times.

The two other Marauders  were already searching the room  and James quickly followed Sirius's example, levitating things left and right to check underneath, throwing pillows and blankets across the room and unleashing overall chaos. Remus was more neat and organized, foldi ng and piling up things he was done examining.

A fter a few minutes of tearing the whole room apart, James lowered his wand and sat on the closest bed.  His book was nowhere to be found  and he  couldn't help but feeling like it was lost forever. He could always confront Snape about it of course, but the slimy bastard would just deny everything and run to Lily  to complain about Big Bad  Potter .  And although James couldn't care less about Snape's opinion, he cared very deeply about Lily's. 

J ames ruffled up his hair and sighed.  He didn't want to lose Lily's respect nor the somewhat bound, as frail as it was, they had formed since the beginning of the school year. For the first time since the infirmary, he started accepting that his dad's book was truly gone.

R emus sat next to him on the bed, quickly joined by Sirius, who put an arm over his shoulder.

“What do you want to do?” asked Remus softly. His hair was darkening and he was slowly turning back into himself. “We have to be in class soon.”

“Let's go,” said James as he got up. “Forget about it, I'll get another copy. I doubt Snape will be able to decipher my handwriting anyway.”

Remus got up as well but Sirius stayed decisively planted on the bed.

“Wait. We're in his dorm. Might as well take advantage of the opportunity, right?” he said with a mischievous smile.

Remus smiled back at him and nodded, while James hesitated at the door.  The smiling faces of his best friends convinced him after a few seconds of thinking and he nodded his agreement too.

“Perfect,” whispered Sirius, rubbing his hands together. “What should we do?”

At this instant, a light snore elevated from James' pocket, disturbing the quiet atmosphere of the room. The sound seemed to trigger something in Sirius' brain because James saw his eyes lit up.

“I know! Let's turn his pillow into a rat!” he said excitedly. “Oh it's brilliant. With one of Moony's timing spells, we can delay the transfiguration and make it so it only goes off once his head hits the pillow!”

James bit the inside of his cheek to not laugh. It was the most ridiculous idea he had ever heard, but it was also somehow perfect regarding the situation. Remus turned to him for approval and James nodded once again

“Let's do it.”

It was a complicated bit of magic, but combining their efforts, the three of them managed to obtain something they were proud of in only a few minutes. Remus had returned to his usual appearance by then, and they had to squeeze up against each other and bend their knees so their feet wouldn't appear under the cloak.

They snuck out of the Slytherin common room not without difficulty, but fairly certain to have been unnoticed. They celebrated silently once they reached the dungeon's corridor, with a performance of their famous victory dance, still concealed under the invisibility cloak.

“Mischief managed,” whispered James, and surrounded by the smiles illuminating his friends' faces, he forgot all about what he had lost, and recognized everything he had.


	16. The idiots

“James Fleamont Potter!”

The angry voice rose from behind him and James had to admit it felt like deja vu. A feminine and familiar yet accusatory tone, a girl stomping towards him fists closed and an overwhelming feeling of guilt doubled with confusion.

Only minors differences assured James he hadn't accidentally stepped back in time. Lily's red hair bounced behind her as she walked and she appeared to be much calmer than Alice had been. Her expression was more disappointed than enraged and James felt a painful flutter in his heart he had never felt before.

He had always hated disappointing his friend and family, but disappointing Lily Evans of all people was particularly hard for him to stomach.

He was uncharacteristically alone, walking back from the library, his backpack filled with books he burrowed as a favour for Remus, who had already pushed past his quota for the week. Lily stopped in front of him and James forgot how to breathe.

She was truly terrifying, her hair a fire halo around her head, her emerald eyes still point of hurricanes. She was far from being taller than him but her energy and the raw power that exuded from her made James feel a hundred times smaller.

“I thought I asked you to leave him alone?”

James' heart sank. Ever since the adrenaline rush from sneaking into the Slytherin dorm had passed, he had feared this moment might happen. Played possible conversations over and over in his head. But each time, the outcome was not exactly in his favour.

“The rat bit him, you know?”

Lily was furious and she had a right to be.

In this instant, James calculated that his best bet was to pretend he had nothing to do with the prank, so he adopted his thoroughly practised surprised face.

“What rat? Is he okay?”

As Lily frowned, James realized the faked concern was maybe pushing the limits of dishonesty. He truly didn't care about Snape's well being.

“I mean the rat. Who knows what diseases he might had gotten from Snivellus.”

James bit the inside of his cheek. Given Lily's expression he would have done better to not add anything. She crossed her arms across her chest and inhaled sharply while James tried to calm his irregular heartbeat.

“You're a goddamn idiot.”

Her voice was low and threatening, echoing on the stones around them.

“A selfish self-centred big-headed git,” she continued, moving closer to him after every word. “How come only two days after we talked about you being nicer to Sev, he comes up for breakfast with an insane story about his bed attacking him? And why is he convinced you have something to do with it?”

James had stepped so far back to escape Lily's menacing stroll his back his the wall behind him and he was forced to stop. He tried his best not to appear guilty but his collar was suddenly too tight and the temperature seemed to have risen a few degrees.

“His bed?” he chuckled with what he hoped was a confident smile. “How on earth could I have done anything to his bed?”

Lily squinted and James tried to build up his confidence a little bit. She would never hex him, she was a prefect and a bloody great one. She took a step back, scrutinizing his face as if hoping to perceive physical evidence of the lie.

Very conscious of the lack of space dividing them, James took a small breath in and ruffled up his hair, winking at her. He had always been excessively good at faking confidence.

“You tell me! How should I know?” said Lily, shaking her head. “But I believe Sev and he says you did it.”

“The guy has been trying to get you to hate me ever since we met back in first year. He'd say anything,” smiled James, trying his hardest to channel Sirius' nonchalance and Remus' eloquence. “Slytherin aren't above lying and you're naive if you think they are.”

Lily rose a surprise eyebrow and James thought he saw her hand move imperceptibly towards her wand. He hated what he had just said but he couldn't think of anything else to get her to back off.

“James Potter you are a bully and an arrogant prick. I don't need Sev's help to hate you, I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself.”

She turned around in such a swift movement her beautiful hair whipped James' face and he was overwhelmed with a sweet smell of apples and the feeling he had to make things right.

“Lily wait!” he called after her but she didn't slow her pace. “I never touched Snivellus' pillow!”

At those words, she came to a stop and stood still at the end of the empty hallway and James held his breath as she turned around.

“What did you say?”

They were far apart now but her voice carried clearly all the way to James.

“I... I never touched his pillow?” repeated James hesitantly, not understanding why her cheeks were now suddenly flushed with rage.

She came back towards him with the same speed and anger in her step and this time James truly thought she was about to hex him into non-existence.

“Do you swear it's true?” she asked, planting herself in front of him, arms crossed across her chest.

“Yeah,” answered James simply, praying Lily didn't know Legilimency.

The answer did not seem to satisfy her and she tossed her hair over her shoulder in an exasperated movement.

“Then how did you know it was his pillow which was transfigured?” Her tone was harsh and her eyes cold, as she waited for a response James could not provide.

He opened his mouth, tried to think about an excuse and came up with nothing. If he was honest with himself, this was not exactly the kind of pillow talk he had envisioned happening between Lily and him.

He was growing more and more tired of this spiral of lies he had trapped himself in, and Lily's furious expression in front of him comforted him in his decision to come clean. First year James had had the right idea. He would never do anything to anger Lily ever again. She was truly terrifying.

Staring down at his feet trying to look remorseful, he sighed and ruffled up his hair.

“Because I'm an idiot. Yes it was me, you were right.”

“So you lied,” she interrupted him. “You lied to my face.”

James risked a glance up and saw the tip of her ears starting to become as red as her cheeks. He didn't know what to say or what to do to get out of this situation. He figured his last hope was that his Marauders would notice he was gone for an abnormally long amount of time and come looking for him. Otherwise they would find his dead body in the morning.

Lily was a lovely and charming girl, but she was also an impatient and impulsive witch, who seemed to hate lies maybe even more than James did.

“I'm sorry Lily,” he continued, keeping his head down. “It was a stupid and spontaneous decision. I didn't mean for Snape to get hurt. I didn't think.”

Glancing up, he realized once again Lily looked more disappointed than angry. He only had himself to blame for the way she was looking at him, softly shaking her head and pinching her beautiful round lips. It lit up a fire in James' heart.

A fire fuelled by his desire to smooth Lily's furrowed brow. A fire he know would not die down until he'd see her smile.

But in this instant, it seemed as though he needed a miracle.

“Lily I'm so sorry.”

“I don't care,” she interrupted again.

She tucked a stand of her hair behind her ear and shot him a murderous glare. James was certain she would leave at this point, turn heel and never speak to him again, but something in her attitude was hesitant. She seemed unsure about whether or not to leave and James jumped on the opportunity to justify himself.

“You don't understand, he started it first. He stole my dad's copy of Advanced Potion Making and I..”

“How do you expect me to believe anything you say right now!” Lily exploded. “You lied with a straight face just two minutes ago! All of that because your head is so far up your own ass you can't see Severus is a sweet guy, who actually cares about me. Who listens to me. I thought you were my friend, I thought you had changed. I was wrong. I hate you!”

Golden sparks were flying out of her wand, cascading down her robes to her feet but she didn't seem to mind. Her fists were closed and she looked more beautiful than she ever had. The moment was suspended in time. Jams saw the world in her eyes but Lily only saw malevolent in his.

He opened his mouth to say something, anything. An ' _I'm sorry_ ' or a much truer, much quieter ' _I love you_ '. The fire burnt bright in his veins, in every fibre of his being. He didn't say anything.

His lungs were collapsing inside his chest and there was nothing he could do but listen to Lily's words, a truth cutting into his flesh like a million daggers. She was right and it hurt.

Lily's fingers were gripping her wand firmly and despite her apparent desire to hex him, she turned and walked away without looking back. James waited until she had turned around the corner to allow his knees to give up under him.

The pain of his silver scars was back, ardent and unforgiving, but it was nothing compared to the fire consuming him from the inside out. Feeling something wet against his face, he realized, from miles and miles away, that he had been crying. He wiped tears of sadness, tears that were quickly replaced by angry and frustrated ones. He was furious at himself. For his mistakes, for everything he had said and everything he hadn't. For his weakness above all.

What kind of man was he, crying over a girl that didn't love him back? What kind of Gryffindor was he, falling on his knees at the thought of losing something he never truly had?

Forgetting about dinner, curfew and responsibilities, James stared down at the stone under his palms, cold and grey. He tried to find comfort in them, in the fact that they had been laid a thousand years ago and that they would still be there a thousand years after his death.

Perhaps even his children and grandchildren would walk in this corridor, their heads wrapped up in their own problems, unaware they were stepping over James' dried tears. This image made him realize this own insignificance in the great scheme of things. How unimportant was his heartache.

He was so small. So young.

Precipitated footsteps echoed in the hallway and before he could look up he felt himself being suddenly pulled into a tight and warm hug. Moony held him close while Peter wiped his tears with his sleeve.

“We ran into Lily in the common room,” explained Remus. “Gave us a piece of her mind. We figured she talked to you too.”

“Mental, this one,” grumbled Peter despite the warning look Remus shot him.

For the first time in his life, James didn't defend Lily, but gripped harder to his friend's shoulder.

“You can't die of a broken heart Prongs,” said Sirius from behind him, slapping the back of his head. “Quit the drama act.”

“Leave me alone Pads.” James' face was pressed up against Remus' chest and his muffled voice drew smiles around him.

Moony smelled of the forest and cigarette smoke, a familiar and comforting sent James gladly abandoned himself in. Surrounded by his friends, he didn't feel so silly to be crying, not when they brought him such support and love. Ironically it was this thought that made the tears stop.

“I love you guys,” he sniffed, pulling back from Remus' hug and accepting Peter's helpful hand to get up.

“He's drunk again,” said Sirius with a sarcastic smile.

“Leave me alone Pads.”

And James realized one more thing. Lily was not the only love of her life. Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail were too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this chapter on my phone in the train so it might not be the best but i promise i'll do better next time! thank you for reading!


	17. Confrontation

He saw Lily in the common room, on his way back from their disastrous encounter that had left him broken on the floor. If Lily was in any way impacted or troubled she didn't let it show, as she was laughing and dancing with her friends to a muggle song coming out of an enchanted backpack. She looked happy. As if nothing upsetting had happened just minutes before.

The Marauders stared in anger and disapproval but James looked away and just kept walking. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene.

They regained their dorm and didn't speak of the incident again, and James was more than grateful for that. Remus had obviously been very clear about no wanting to hear any Lily related comments from Sirius and Peter.

James went straight to bed, not bothering to take off his clothes or even his shoes. He threw his blanket over him and listened to the others get ready for bed quietly. It was still relatively early and James knew for a fact none of them had had dinner, but for some reason all of them seemed determined to respect the atmosphere of mourning that reigned in their room.

He tried not to think about Lily. About her eyes, her perfume, her smile. He failed. He dreamt of her.

She was taller in his dream, more fierce. More beautiful in a way. She didn't look at him once, but she kept laughing coldly as she danced, getting further away from him at each breath he took. His feet were like stuck to the ground and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't move.

Then the tone shifted. What felt like a dream suddenly started to adopt accents of reality and he felt himself shivering, both in his dream and in his bed. They were in a house. The furniture looked familiar but the layout not so much. The carpet was soft under his feet and Lily's laugh had turned into someone else's. It was the most terrifying sound James had ever heard, and it seemed to come from all around him. Cruel and chilling, it echoed through time to mix with another sound, just as upsetting. A baby was crying.

James felt his heart tear into two. He still couldn't move, everything was blurry around him, everything but the omnipresent feeling of danger, surrounding him, swallowing him. Suffocating. He couldn't breathe. A woman's cry filled his ears, then a flash of green light blinded him and in one swift motion he stood upright in his bed, drenched in sweat.

The sun was just peaking above the horizon and his usually unruly hair stuck to his forehead. He reached for his glasses and slapped them on his face before looking around the room, his gaze bouncing on everything he could find, familiar objects that could help his steady his breathing and lower his heart rate.

“It was just a dream,” he whispered to himself, but the words felt empty. He didn't believe them. It felt like something more than just a dream, something he couldn't explain. And he couldn't find in himself the courage he needed to dig deeper, to try to see further.

The few next breaths he took drained him. Forcing himself to get through the adrenaline rush was exhausting, and it felt as though he had barely slept for a few minutes instead of the entire night.

The silence that reigned in the room was deafening, sharply contrasting with the cacophony of his nightmare.

Purposefully ignoring his growling stomach, James got up and dressed himself. He let his mind wander and his feet carry him, and he was not in the least bit surprised when he raised his head and found himself in the owlery.

Although his parents had always insisted, he didn't have an owl that was just his, and preferred to use the school ones. The reason he told everyone was that he could barely take care of himself so he couldn't be trusted looking after a pet, even as smart and independent as an owl. The real reason was that he had been traumatized by the death of his parents old owl, when he was still a child. He had such a hard time dealing with loss, and he just didn't want to put himself in the position of caring for anyone who had a risk of dying before him. It was selfish and he knew it.

He called a school owl that came down its perch and landed on his shoulder. James had no letter to send yet but he got a piece of parchment and his self-inking quill out of his bag and just started writing.

 

' _Mum,_

_i know i usually send my letters on sundays but i thought i would write to you today because i miss you and i know you understand me. i had a nightmare tonight, not a regular one, but one like the ones i used to get when i was small. it's okay though and im completely fine now, but it just made me realize what an incredible mom you have been to me even though i would wake you at every hour of the night._

_school here is going perfect, sirius feels better than he did at christmas and we're all having fun and being exemplary pupils, remus makes sure of it._

_i love you, give dad a kiss for me,_

_your James'_

 

He tied the letter to the owl's leg before sending it off and going down to the Great Hall for a well deserved breakfast. His friends joined him quickly after that, starving from having missed dinner the day before. They didn't question James' absence in their dorm as they woke up and just greeted him by patting him on the back uncomfortably.

It was very clear that they didn't know what to say or how to act around him and James hated it. He needed everything to be the same. Nothing had changed, really. He was maybe sadder than usual but an awkward silence surrounding him at all hours was not exactly necessary nor useful.

A discreet flick of the wand under the table was enough for his friends to be covered in the pumpkin juice that filled their glasses just a second ago. Sirius let out a roar of indignation before shaking himself vigorously like a dog. Peter seemed mortified and looked left to right to try to catch a glimpse of the culprit.

“Who...” he started, his eyes as wide as plates.

“James,” answered Remus with fake disapproval.

And in an instant, as if nothing had ever happened, the tension between the four of them vanished. Sirius and James engaged in a playfully violent spoon duel while Peter laughed and Remus rolled his eyes. McGonagall gave them both detention for using magic at the breakfast table and disturbing all the other students and Peter rolled with laughter under the table at Remus' expression.

They left for class arm in arm, talking loudly over each other as they always did and drawing every stare as they went down the halls.

When they arrived in front of their classroom, Remus sneaked off unnoticed by the others, and James was the only one who saw him walk over confidently to the group of girls standing by the door.

 

“Prongs! I'm talking to you!” Sirius called his attention back to him. “I feel like it's been years since our last big prank, my blood is itching. What do you think we should do next?”

“Uh?” answered James distractedly. “Don't ask me, Wormy always has the better plans.”

Grateful, Peter blushed and squirmed before nodding approvingly and making a list of his ideas. James used this distraction to turn back to Remus, in a seemingly heated discussion with Lily.

James bit his lip. Whatever they were talking about, neither of them looked particularly happy with each other, and it meant a lot considering those two had always gotten along, ever since first year. The only thing James could do was hope they weren't arguing because of him but because of some prefect related issue. Although deep down he knew it wasn't true.

James was so focused on the pair and on trying to make out what they were saying by reading their lips, he failed to see what was going on around them. Or rather who was approaching with his usual hostile sneer, greasy hair and jealousy. James didn't see him until it was too late and his Moony was on the ground, shaken by the blast that had thrown him to the ground.

Unfortunately, James wasn't the only one to have witnessed the scene. A violent growl rose from behind him, and suddenly, almost instinctively James found himself using all of his weight and strength, struggling to keep Sirius from jumping on Snape and strangling him.

Shocked gasps and screams of protest came from all around, as it became clear for everyone that the Slytherin had just attacked a Gryffindor prefect, totally unprovoked. James faced away from the scene, too busy trying to keep his friend from doing something he'd regret.

On any other occasion, James would have easily been able to have the upper hand on Sirius physically: he trained for Quidditch almost five times a week now, and his muscle mass was most definitely impressive for a sixteen year old boy. But the amount of rage coming from Sirius seemed to double his strength and James could barely hold on.

“Tell me Lupin, what's worst?” Snape asked in a drawling voice. “Being a fucking werewolf or having such a queer boyfriend? Or does it not matter when you're as monstrous as you?”

Hearing these words, it took a fraction of second for James to let go of Sirius and race him to get to Snape. His mind was blank, his wand forgotten in his pocket. His instinct told him to punch and he was going to listen. The only thing he wanted was for Snape to suffer. To hurt him as much as he hurt his friends.

A deafening detonation echoed in the hallway, but this time it was James and Sirius who were thrown against a wall by the force of the blast. A thin veil of protection had appeared, separating them from Snape, and Lily was standing in front of it, wand out.

She turned to Snape, who had also been hit by the outburst of magic and with a low, hostile voice she articulated:

“Severus. I can't take points from you but rest assured Slughorn will hear about this. You know how he loves me. You know he'll give you detention everyday for the rest of the year if that's what I want. Remus did nothing to you, so how fucking dare you use such words? Call a werewolf the sweetest boy I've ever met... There isn't a bad bone in his body, but _you.._ you intolerant, bigoted, miserable prick, I want nothing to do with you! Get the fuck out of here.”

She was slowly and menacingly moving towards him, and golden sparkles were flying out of her wand, in the same manner they had just the day before in a much different context. James had been broken-hearted but this time he was triumphant. Lily was seeing the truth behind the honeyed words and dead eyes of her best friend. Finally.

Snape fled as soon as Lily's spell lifted, his cape floating behind him like the wings of a bat and Sirius grunted upon seeing him get away with what he had said so easily.

Lily then turned to James and Sirius, her voice still sharp as a blade, but with a softer look in her eyes.

“Ten points from Gryffindor. You are not children and you are expected to be in control of your emotions no matter how outrageous the provocation is.”

Remus sighed as he got up and offered a helpful hand to help Sirius back to his feet. James could feel the tension still present in his friend's body and Snape's voice still rang in his ears: “queer boyfriend”. Lily had managed to defuse the werewolf insult quite brilliantly, but the homophobic comment still lingered in the air. James had no idea what to do so he just crossed his fingers and prayed that no one heard nor paid attention. 

“Tell Flitwick I'll be in Slughorn's office,” said Lily before turning heel and walking away from the whispers that filled the corridor.

James had never been more in love with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! hope you liked it!!


	18. Snape's worst nightmare

“Five more minutes!”

The voice made James jump. He had been so focused on his essay and on tidying up his handwriting as much as he could, he had forgotten all about the circumstances and the people around him. The minuscule Professor Flitwick walked past him, glaring at James' copy as if trying to read what he had written.

James smiled at him before straightening up and putting down his quill. He was finally done with his Defence Against the Dark Arts exam and it had been much much easier than he had anticipated. He smiled as he read through his paper, for once certain he had done a great job.

The past couple of weeks had been tough, the only thing keeping his mind from Lily being the stress of the OWLs and the hours spent in the library, bent over mountains of books trying to compensate for a year worth of slacking in the studying department.

The entire castle was submerged in this tense energy. Even those who had no exams to pass had their heads wrapped up in the war, which was slowly gaining in strength in the outside world. Fights in classroom hallways were multiplying and prefects and teachers had a hard time repressing them.

Alternatively, several younger students who had had the audacity to be loud in corridors or common rooms had found themselves victims of Silencing Charms performed by stressed out fifth and seventh years. James was guilty of it too and he wasn't proud.

On this day though, the day marking the beginning of summer and the end of exams, the Daily Prophet had only brought good news. The air was warming up and the sun was shining bright outside.

James yawned and rumpled up his hair before turning to Sirius who gave him the thumbs-up, a few seats behind him. Remus was sitting just a little further ahead, incredibly focused on his paper, scratching his chin with the end of his quill and frowning slightly, which made James smile. Next to him, Peter appeared to be more nervous than ever, staring down at his paper, his eyes wide open with stress.

James turned back to his copy and started doodling to pass the time. He sketched the golden snitch he felt fluttering in his pocket, then decided drawing was definitely not for him and he should stick to what he knew how to do. He absent-mindedly began to trace the letters L.E before remembering the promise he had made to himself to get over Lily once and for all. Which did not stop him from embellishing the initials the way he always did.

“Quills down, please!” squeaked Professor Flitwick. “That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! _Accio_!”

Over a hundred rolls of parchment zoomed into the air and into Professor Flitwick's outstretched arms, knocking him backwards off his feet. Several people laughed, James included. A few students at the front desks got up, took hold of Professor Flitwick beneath the elbows and lifted him back on to his feet.

“Thank you... thank you,” panted Flitwick. “Very well, everybody, you're free to go!”

James hastily crossed out Lily's initials and jumped to his feet, stuffing his quill and the exam paper into his bag, which he slung over his back. Sirius and his eternally confident grin were quick to join him and together they headed to the exit where they caught up with Remus and Peter.

“Did you like question ten, Moony?” asked Sirius as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

“Loved it,” answered Remus with a smile. “ _Give five signs that identify the werewolf._ Excellent question.”

“D'you think you managed to get all the signs?” said James in tones of mocked concern. He had just seen Lily in the group of girls walking behind them and did his best to fix his posture as much as he could, so she could see how unbothered he was by the fact that she was so close to him.

“Think I did,” said Remus seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors, eager to enjoy the sunlit grounds and the beginning of summer. “One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin.”

Sirius and James howled with laughter while Peter frowned, looking just as worried as he did during the exam.

“I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail,” he said nervously, “but I couldn't think what else...”

“How thick are you, Wormtail?” said James impatiently. “You run round with a werewolf once a month...”

“Keep your voice down,” implored Remus.

Sirius shot him a meaningful look and the atmosphere suddenly shifted. Everyone knew they were all thinking about the same thing, the same afternoon when Snape had decided to out Remus so publicly. Fortunately for the Marauders, those who heard him did not take him seriously at all, probably thinking he had randomly thrown out whatever slurs his prejudiced brain could come up with.

Nevertheless it had been scary and if it wasn't for Lily, the consequences could have been much worse. She had done an enormous job of damage control, and the vivacity with which she rushed to Remus' defence had raised one question heavily discussed amongst the four of them: did she know?

“I'm sorry Moony, I wasn't thinking,” whispered James, quickly relieved by Remus' reassuring smile.

“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” continued Sirius to defuse the tension. “I'll be surprised if I don't get 'Outstanding' on it at least.”

“Me too,” said James, pulling the fluttering snitch out of his pocket and starting to play with it.

“Where'd you get that?” asked Peter with fake surprise.

“Nicked it,” answered James with fake seriousness. They all knew about James' habit to steal every golden snitch his team trained with. It always made Alice extremely mad.

They stopped in the shade of a tree on the edge of the lake and threw themselves down on the grass. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which Lily, Marlene and their friends were sitting. They had taken their shoes and socks off and were cooling their feet in the water.

Remus had pulled out a book and was reading, while Sirius stared at the students around them, pretending to be bored, though James knew he was making sure no one paid attention to how close the two boyfriends were sitting. Peter himself didn't seem to have noticed, fully focused on James and on the snitch that zoomed further and further away each time James let it go.

Rumpling up his hair, James shot another one of what he thought was a discreet glance over at the girls by the water. Lily's hair was glowing in the sun and she was laughing at one of Marlene's jokes. James felt a pinch in his heart and, distracted, caught his snitch at the last possible second.

“Put that away, will you?” said Sirius with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Before Wormtail wets himself in excitement.”

Peter blushed and James winked at him, grinning.

“If it bothers you,” he said, stuffing the snitch back in his pocket. Sirius was uncharacteristically nervous, even if he tried his hardest not to show it, and James would do anything to make him feel better right this minute. But the truth was that he had no idea what to do. How do you protect someone against rumours?

You can't.

“I'm bored,” said Sirius. “Wish it was full moon.”

“You might,” answered Remus darkly from behind his book. “We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me. Here..”

He held out his book to his boyfriend, who snorted.

“I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.”

A movement further away from them drew James' attention and it only took a second for his blood to boil.

“This'll liven you up Padfoot,” he said quietly. “Look who it is...”

Sirius's head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit.

“Excellent,” he said softly. “Snivellus.”

The Marauders hadn't seen Snape since the incident that opposed them a few weeks back in front of their Charms classroom. He never appeared to be down in the Great Hall for the meals at the same time as them, and he hadn't been to the last two Potion classes. He was clearly avoiding them, which meant James and Sirius hadn't been able to digest what had happened and get used to his presence.

They were both furious and ready for revenge.

As Snape left the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, James stood up instinctively, followed by Sirius. Remus and Peter remained sitting: Remus still looking intensely focused on his book, but a conscientious observer would have noticed his shortness of breath and the faint frown line that had appeared between his blond eyebrows. Peter was looking from Sirius to James to Snape with a look of avid anticipation.

“All right, Snivellus?” said James loudly, before he even took time to think. His friends were hurt. Scared. He needed to protect them and he would.

Snape reacted so fast it was as though he had been expecting an attack: dropping his bag, he plunged his hand inside his robes and his wand was halfway into the air when James shouted ' _Expelliarmus_ '.

Snape's wand flew twelve feet into the air and fell with a little thud in the grass behind him. Sirius let out a nervous bark of laughter.

' _Impedimenta!_ ' he said, pointing his wand at Snape, who was knocked off his feet halfway through a dive towards his own fallen wand. James knew it, they couldn't let him get his wand back. Snape mastered way too many curses and hexes, some at the limit of dark magic. James hadn't forgotten about that time they had found Remus, white and inanimate in a closet after an unexpected encounter with an angered Snape.

James' rage built up and he crushed in an instant the tears brought by the memory he felt coming up. Accompanied by Sirius, he advanced toward Snape, wands raised. In a moment of clarity, he glanced above his shoulder, making sure Lily was still turned to the lake, facing away from them.

Groups of students closer to the scene had turned to watch. Some of them had got to their feet and were edging near. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.

“How'd the exam go, Snivelly?” said James.

“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” said Sirius with a cruel smile. “There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word.”

Several people watching laughed and James felt encouraged, although he knew he was doing exactly what he shouldn't be doing. Revenge sounded so sweet but Lily was so close.

On the ground, Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes. Watching him, James was suddenly brought back to that time under the willow, where he himself was laying in the dirt, slowly draining of his blood. When he thought each breath would be the last. When Snape had left him there, abandoned.

“You.. wait,” Severus panted, staring up at James with an expression of purest loathing, “you... wait!”

“Wait for what?” said Sirius coolly. “What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?”

Snape let out a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but with his wand ten feet away nothing happened. James reacted fast, desperate to avoid the words “queer” or “werewolf” to come out of this mouth again. Sirius wouldn't stand it.

“Wash out your mouth,” he said coldly. “ _Scourgify_!”

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape's mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, chocking him..

“Leave him ALONE!”

James turned around at once and his free hand immediately jumped to his hair. Lily was standing a few feet away from him, her dark, thick hair falling on her shoulders, her startlingly green eyes filled with fury.

“All right Evans?” said James, trying his hardest to look innocent, like he wasn't doing what he was doing. He had no idea how to act. He was over her, truly. At least he tried to convince himself of that.

“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. She was looking straight at him, with every sign of great dislike. “What's he done to you?”

James took a sharp breath in, thought about the scars stretching on his chest, about Remus' face when they found him, about Sirius's anxiety, growing stronger every day ever since the homophobic slur was thrown at his face. James exhaled slowly. He couldn't talk about any of that. He improvised.

“Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean...”

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius and Peter included. Remus and Lily did not.

“You think you're funny,” she said coldly. “But you're just an arrogant bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_.”

Potter. Not James. Potter. She was back to calling him by his family name and it hurt James more than he thought it would. But he was over her, he was. Truly.

“I will if you go out with me Evans,” he said quickly, beating himself over it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. “Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a hand on old Snivelly again.”

He couldn't believe himself. The usual trance he was under when Lily was close had sneaked up on him this time. He wished he could take back everything he had said, but it was too late.

“I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.

“Bad luck Prongs,” said Sirius raising a shocked eyebrow at James before turning back to Snape. “OI!”

It was too late. Snape had directed his wand straight at James. There was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James's face, spattering his robes with blood. The sharp pain hit James like a wave of bricks and he whirled about instinctively, his wand out.

A second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd cheered, Sirius and Peter roared with laughter and James joined them, pressing a hand on the blood gushing from his cheek and trying to ignore the pain.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to to smile, crossed her arms over her chest to try to maintain a serious face.

“Let him down!” she said firmly.

“Certainly,” said James and he jerked his wand upwards, maybe a bit more violently than he really meant to.

Snape fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes, he got quickly to his feet, wand up, before Sirius hit him with a body-bind curse and Snape keeled over again, rigid as a board.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now and James eyed it warily. She was a talented witch, crossing her was dangerous.

“Ah Evans, don't make me hex you,” said James earnestly. The 'Potter' still rang in his ears. She had called him James once. They had been friends once.

“Take the curse off him, then!”

James sighed deeply, trying to pass off his relief as disappointment, then turned to Snape and muttered the counter-curse.

“There you go,” he said, as Snape struggled to his feet. “You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus.”

“I don't need help form filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

Lily blinked. James felt the colour drain from his face. The hand he was pressing against his wound fell to his side in shock.

“Fine,” Lily said coolly. “I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_.”

“Apologise to Evans!” James roared at Snape, pointing his wand threateningly at him. Furious, he didn't pick up on the fact that Lily used the Marauder's nickname for Snape.

“I don't want _you_ to make him apologise,” Lily shouted, rounding on James. “You're as bad as he is.”

“What?” yelped James. “I'd never call you a.. you-know-what!”

“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can.. I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

“Evans!” James shouted after her, his cheek open, his heart broken. “Hey, EVANS!”

She didn't look back.

“What is it with her?” said James, trying and failing to look at though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.

“Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited mate,” said Sirius.

“Right,” said James, feeling empty. “Right.”

There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> france won the world cup hello this is the only thing im gonna be talking about for the next four year


	19. The saps

“I'm so dumb.”

“You're not.”

“I can't believe I asked her out again.”

“Fine you're a little dumb.”

“Sirius.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry.”

They were sitting by the edge of the lake and the sun was setting on the other side of the bank, colouring the water and the sky all shades of pale pink. The castle grounds were empty of students, everyone being busy packing their suitcase and gathering their stuff scattered around the castle across the year.

James's invisibility cloak they used to sneak out laid abandoned a few feet behind them. It was tradition for him and Sirius to meet in this precise spot at the beginning of every summer, to discuss the past school year but mostly to avoid cleaning up their dorm room and leave all the work to Remus and Peter.

“I didn't mean to do it.”

“I know.”

“It just slipped out.”

“I know.”

James had not yet been able to move on from the topic of what had happened just a couple of days before and Sirius had been surprisingly patient with him.

“She'll never speak to me again.”

“I'm sure she will.”

James lowered his head and looked down at the water glowing peacefully under him. He was always sad to leave Hogwarts, but this time he couldn't wait to be on the train taking him back to London. He just wanted to escape the castle, escape the memories and have a wonderful summer with his best friend, playing Quidditch and forgetting about a certain red-headed girl. And a certain greasy-haired guy.

“He called her an 'M-word', Pads. To her face. In front of the entire school.”

“I know, I was there Prongs.”

“I just wish I could have done something.”

“What was there to be done?” sighed Sirius. “I'm actually glad it happened. Now Evans can see him for what he truly is. A disgusting patronising power-hungry aspiring Death-Eater. He's a nasty teenager and he will grow up to be a cruel man.”

“You're right,” answered James, resting his head on his friend's shoulder. “I just.. I just wish there had been a way for Lily to see all this without her getting hurt.”

Sirius snickered and shook his head softly.

“If there is one person strong enough not to be hurt by words it is Lily Evans. Don't worry about her Prongs, worry about yourself.”

“Isn't that what I've been doing for the past hour and a half?” James smiled.

“I mean start worrying on how you're gonna get her back.”

James straightened up, unsure about what Sirius was saying. His voice was calm and measured and he didn't seem to be teasing him in the least bit. There was a slight frown in between his eyebrows, the same Remus had, as he was staring in front of him at the sun drowning in the pink lake.

“I never had her to begin with. She wasn't mine to lose,” answered James slowly. “Besides, she made it abundantly clear that she isn't interested. And that's an understatement.”

“She isn't interested in the James you're showing her and honestly I don't blame her,” said Sirius, looking away from the sunset to turn to his best friend. “But she would fall in love with the James I know in a heartbeat.”

James frowned and shook his head softly in confusion.

“I don't understand what you mean.”

“What I mean is you are resisting to love,” continued Sirius. “You're so used to receiving unconditional care and appreciation, you can't imagine what it's like to be rejected. You've been adored and it weakened you. It scares you that Lily will see who you are and not love you. So you act like someone else and let her hate you because you're afraid of giving yourself a fair chance.”

Silence fell between the two of them. A silence during which James weighed the impact of everything Sirius had said. There was a painful truth behind his words and he needed to hear it. He chose not to.

“This isn't true,” he whispered before tearing his gaze away from Sirius's face.

“It is and you know it, James.”

A slight breeze picked up, ruffling the leaves in the trees around them and carrying a soft smell of pine and earth. The sun was barely visible on the horizon now and the sky behind them was turning darker. For a while, they listened to the sound of the water lapping at the bank and the birds singing themselves to sleep.

“I did too.”

“What?”

“Resist to love,” explained Sirius. “I still do.”

He extended his legs in front of him and leaned backwards to lay down on the grass. James joined him to the ground a second later, using his hands as a pillow underneath his head, waiting for Sirius to continue down his train of thought.

“With the family I had... I thought loving was a weakness. That being loved was a curse. Then I met you, and Peter and Moony. I realized I couldn't have been more wrong. You're my greatest strength. Letting myself be loved was the best decision I ever made. It's time you do the same.”

“How?” said James. “How do you put aside your fear? How do you break down your barriers? How do you embrace the possibility of pain, of heartbreak? How can you?”

“You live and learn, mate.”

“Live and learn,” repeated James with a smile.

The stars were coming out now. Beautiful and far. Alive. James had never felt so lost. His thoughts wandered about before spiralling back to Lily, as they always did. She was his anchor. No matter how far he drifted, he never did lose her.

“Did you ever try explaining to her how you feel?”

James smiled. Sirius made everything seem so easy. He was two extremes at a time: dramatic and overcomplicated when dealing with his own issues, and logical and calm when it came to his friends.

“I never did actually.”

“Yet you're always the one saying communication is key.”

“It's different.”

“How?”

“Lily knows how I feel.”

“I don't think she does,” replied Sirius, with so much sincerity in his voice James frowned.

There was no way Lily didn't know he was head over heels in love with her. Despite his best efforts, he hadn't yet mastered the art of restraining his feelings enough so that they wouldn't show. He still blushed like a madman when she was around and the slightest accidental contact between the two of them always made James jump a few feet back, certain his heart would burst.

“I asked her out on numerous occasions, Pads. She has to know it wasn't for the fun of being rejected in public countless times.”

Sirius let out a chuckle he tried and failed to pass off as a sigh and rolled to his side to look at James.

“I don't know, Moony tells me she can be pretty thick. At least you two have that in common.”

“Don't you dare talk about my future wife that way!” gasped James, faking indignation.

“As your future best man, it is my duty to inform you that you need to talk to her if you want her to know how you feel,” replied Sirius with a hint of genuine concern in his voice. “You can't say you've given yourself a fair chance until you are sure she understands your feelings about her. And who knows, she could be in your exact same situation: too in love to function and be a correct human being in front of you.”

“Are you aware we are talking about the woman who would rather date the giant squid than me?”

“Mate, while we're being honest here, _I_ would rather date the giant squid than you. I've seen your room. You're a pig.”

“What are you talking about?” laughed James, reaching his arm out to hit Sirius's shoulder. “I'm a dear!”

“Was that an Animagi pun? Because if it was, I'm pretty sure I legally have to turn you in to Azkaban for murdering humour all together.”

“Oh come on, why do you always have to be so serious?”

“I will kill you right here right now if you don't stop. Don't tempt me,” said Sirius with a fairly straight face before making eye contact with his best friend, his brother, and burst out laughing.

Their joint laughter did not die down until a couple of minutes later, when the moon appeared from behind a cloud, shining a soft and delicate light on the two of them. The birds had stopped singing and the only sound around them was their breathing, and the fainter, tender rhythm of their heartbeats.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

“What are you two saps still doing here? Get your asses up and help us pack your shit!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you noticed more typos than usual in this chapter, my sister is in holidays in Ireland and i have no way to reach her, so she can't correct my english :(  
> And in other news, she has been bullying me to change the title since i've started to write this, so what do you think? Should i change it or will it confuse people too much? aaaah decisions decisons  
> hope you liked the chapter!


	20. Diagon Alley

Summer went by in a flash. To James, it felt as if each week grew increasingly faster than the previous as the days melted together, incredible blend of family dinner, brooms zooming in the woods and quiet walks in the muggle village down the road.

It was the first summer James spent entirely with Sirius and he was finally able to enjoy the advantages and hardships to having a sibling. They argued everyday about what to do and where to go, Sirius being captivated by the muggle store selling motorbikes and leather jackets, James wanting nothing more than to train for Quidditch and feel the adrenaline rush of speeding through the trees.

They usually did both, before ending the day hunched over letters to Peter and Remus in which they described everything that they did in detail, although their days could get quite repetitive. In his letters to Moony, James liked to exaggerate Sirius's attraction to the bikes they saw, making it sound romantic, in a desperate and usually successfully attempt to piss off his best friend. More than once, Euphemia Potter had been forced to put an end to a playful battle of quills and ink bottles that about ruined her office and by the end of August the two boys were obligated to do their letter writing outside of the house.

The only significant event to disturb the routine of the Potter family had been the arrival of two school owls, a Saturday morning. Until then, both James and Sirius had completely forgotten all about the exams they took in June and the stress the OWLs had provoked in them during the entire last school year.

"What are those damn birds doing here? There Hogwart's, right?"

"I hope they finally expelled your ass," answered James, ink dripping from his hair, stretching his arm for the two owls to land on.

"Look who's talking, Mr. Let's-become-unregistered-Animagus"

James poked his tongue out at Sirius while taking both of the letters and topping the envelopes open.

"Its our list of school supplies for next year and... oh!"

"What is it?"

"Our OWLs results."

Sirius scrambled to his feet, tripping over his own unfinished letter to Peter and squeezing James' shoulder to preserve his balance as the last possible second.

"What? Really? Now? I mean... I don't care."

He threw his long black hair over his shoulder in an effort to get back even a little of his characteristic nonchalance, before tearing the envelope to his name from the hands of an amazed James.

"I got Os in Defence Against the Dark Arts, Potions and Muggle Studies."

"Shocker," replied Sirius, deadpan. "I got Os in Transfiguration and Astronomy and Es and As for everything else."

The two boys looked at each other and shared a meaningful smile.

"I guess we have to thank Moony for tying us up in the library for almost two weeks."

"Speak for yourself," laughed Sirius. "I can never get these days of my life back."

James punched his friend's shoulder gently before yelling: "Last one to the kitchen is a Flobberworm!" and sprinting to the house, waving his letter in the air like a madman.

"MOOOM! Guess what!"

 

 

As Mr and Mrs Potter had been most pleased by their two boys excellent results, they had decided to reward them by letting them wander about in Diagon Alley during back to school shopping, which was traditionally a week before September. Once the plans were made and the rest of the Marauders notified, the Potter family all got to London using the Floo network, and before Mr. Potter could even raise a hand to get the ashes out of his hair, James and Sirius had vanished into the crowd of Diagon Alley.

"Meet you back at Fortescue's for ice cream at 5! Love you!" James yelled to his parents over his shoulder, hoping to have been loud enough.

He followed Sirius, whose fingers were firmly clasped around his wrist, all the way to the giants steps of Gringotts, where they met up with Remus and Peter, who had both left their parents at Flourish and Blotts.

Aside from Peter's tan from his holidays in France, and the ten centimetres Remus had grown, it was like no time had past. They all excitedly talked over one another, pulling each other randomly into tight hugs and just overall being overwhelmed with happiness.

It took James a couple of minutes to realize Sirius and Remus deserved a more private reunion, so he took it upon himself to walk in front with Peter, who couldn't stop babbling about the French girls he pretended to have met during the summer.

They walked with no real purpose for about ten minutes, which was just enough for James to have grown tired of hearing about Peter's seemingly crazy summer.

"I'm bored," he declared finally, turning to his friends. "Let's go to Knockturn Alley."

"Took you long enough," grinned Remus.

"We thought you'd never ask," said Sirius. "Last one to spot human organs in a Flobberworm!"

Roaring with laughter, his three friends rushed behind him, who was already running. Remus, who had the longer legs, easily caught up with his boyfriend and was the first to arrive.

Knockturn Alley was darker than James remembered. Emptier too. The shady wizards and witches that usually lined up against the cobblestone walls, baskets full of illegal potion ingredients, were nowhere to be seen.

Maybe because they were older, or maybe because the times were different, but the alley held a sinister atmosphere James didn't remember it had. The silence that filled the space was the most unsettling. It was hard to believe it was the middle of the day.

The rare wizards they saw down in those dark streets seemed to glide more than walk, their long black robes hitting the floor, their faces buried in the shadows of their hoods. Most stores appeared to have been deserted. Only one spot seemed to be emanating light: a small dirty looking pub whose banner read _The Purest_.

Hesitant, James and Sirius approached the dust covered windows and had a curious look inside. As small as the bar was, it held a rather impressive number of clients, all hooded and huddled together, as if in a meeting of some sort.

James felt Sirius shiver next to him.

"I don't like this," he frowned. "This place reeks of dark magic."

James nodded in understanding. Ever since Sirius had been adopting a dog form once every month, his sense of smell had become increasingly stronger. It has never failed him and James knew it.

"Let's go. I'm getting creepy vibes from this place anyway."

They turned around as one and motioned Remus and Peter to regain Diagon Alley. It was only a couple of seconds until the main street but the air in the narrow alley was so strange, so heavy, that it felt as if the time was stretching.

Once they got back, the shift in atmosphere became obvious. The temperature rose a few degrees and it was even sunnier on the street for some reason.

"Aaaah!" exclaimed Sirius. "The smell of chocolate frogs, fresh wood and pumpkin juice. Much better!"

James and Peter laughed, happy to relieve some of the tension that had build up in Knockturn alley.

"My dear Sniffles, your talents as a smeller never cease to amaze me," James said with a smile.

"I know you're joking but being a professional 'nose' is an actual Muggle job, I looked it up."

"Are you considering this as a career?" asked Remus, half smiling, half serious.

"A Black with a Muggle job? What would piss off my parents more?" shrugged Sirius.

"You have a point," said Peter. "And I can't believe we've never talked about this before! What do you guys want to do after Hogwarts?"

James exchanged a look with Remus and saw in his eyes how hard the question was for his friend. After Hogwarts, Moony would have to sign the Werewolf register, which would basically condemn him to be an outcast, and never be able to hold a decent job. James chose to answer first.

"I dunno," he answered lightly. "Something useful. I'll join the war."

Silence fell between the four of them and James realized the impact of what he had just said when he saw Peter hold his breath. His words had meaning, weight.

He would join the war. He never had given it a single thought before, it was more of a reality for him. If the war was already clouding their present, it was omnipresent in their future, and denying it would only delay the moment where they would have to face the truth.

"Yeah, me too," whispered Sirius.

"Me too," said Remus.

Peter nodded and said nothing. He looked terrified. James smiled at him reassuringly and squeezed his shoulder. If there was one promise he could make, it was that while he lived, none of his friends would ever get hurt.

They kept walking, their steps still light but their hearts heavier. James was thinking about how he would tell his parents when he saw her.

She was in muggle clothes, in a gorgeous light blue sun dress showing off her freckled shoulders. Her red hair was split in the middle into two braids that fell from underneath her sun hat to end perfectly mid-way down her back and her blue sandals wrapped beautifully around her white legs. Her contagious laugh drew stares around her.

“Lily's here,” said Peter quietly. Needlessly.

James nodded and inhaled sharply. To say that she wasn't breathtaking would be lying.

Gathering his best efforts, James tore his gaze away from Lily and focused his attention on trying to find a way to Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop, where the four boys could stock up on Dr Filibuster's Fabulous No-Heat Fireworks.

It seemed to be of a common agreement that their sixth year would be the year they would outdo themselves in terms of pranks. The exams at the end of the year were known for being more of a formality than anything else, so they could drop their attention off the academic and spend more time focusing on making people laugh.

“We also need to replenish our Dungbomb stocks,” said Remus, who seemed to have followed James' train of thought.

“I thought we had a few left, didn't we hide some in the kitchens last year?” asked Peter.

“Yeaah, no, I might have used those in old Filch's office on the last day of school,” said Sirius with a fake guilty expression.

James laughed at the memory of Filch and Mrs Norris running out of the small room to escape the smell, then his hilarity died on his lips when a tall, hooded man brushed past him, wand out.

His stance wasn't exactly menacing but his face was covered, and the energy he projected was just as unsettling as the atmosphere that reigned in Knockturn Alley. Frowning, James turned around and stopped dead in his tracks.

In the heterogeneous crowd that spread out across the street as far as James could see, half a dozen hooded figures were walking. Their pace was different from everyone else, they were slow, almost synchronized.

James looked to his right. A skinny looking man, in the same long black robes, was gripping his wand so hard his knuckles were white.

James looked to his left. A woman with long dirty blonde hair seemed to be holding her own wand on the inside of her sleeves. Her features were hidden in the shadow of her hood and James could not make out the direction in which she was looking.

In front of him, Lily was still walking in the crowd that seemed to thicken by the second. James felt panic rise inside his chest. It was hard to breathe suddenly. He looked right. Left.

The hooded figures had vanished.

The last thing James saw before the explosions started was Lily's braids disappearing in the crowd.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter was so short and ended so abruptly, i just didn't want you guys to wait for too long!  
> Thank you for reading this far!! I love receiving your comments!!!


	21. Diagon Alley (part 2)

Everything crumpled down at once. People screaming, running, crying, calling for their loved ones as the sky was ripped apart.

Snapping to his senses, James looked around him, his heart beating so loud inside his chest he could barely hear the chaos in the street. His friends were gone. They didn't notice him stopping to watch the suspicious wizards, and had kept on walking without him.

James was alone.

A spell missed him by an inch and hit the window of the store behind him. The burst of the explosion projected James to the ground along with a thousand pieces of glasses that cut deep in his hands and forearms. He crawled on the shattered glass to get to his wand which slipped out of his hand, each movement drawing more blood, more pain.

Wizards were casting spells left and right, unable to clearly spot the danger in the moving crowd and James had to duck several times to avoid being hit by what he chose to consider friendly fire. A toddler was crying in the distance.

James scattered to his feet, finding comfort with his back on the cold stone wall behind him, catching his breath while the panic in the crowd in front of him grew stronger every second.

Nothing he saw made sense.

A woman was levitating, apparently inanimate, her long blonde hair falling in front of her face. A few cruel voices were chanting things James couldn't understand, the blood rushing in his ears deafening him.

Further down the street, a store had caught on fire. Flames licked the wood structure, higher and higher, the wizards fighting the growing blaze barely silhouettes in a fog that gradually swallowed the alley.

Paralysed, James felt his heart sink in his chest as he looked up to see the black smoke fill the sky. Hovering above his head, a giant snake was gliding in between the teeth of a skull that seemed to have been carved out of a storm. The Dark Mark.

It had been in the newspaper a few weeks ago, in a sinister picture, floating above the house of a witch who had married a Muggle. Both of them had been found dead, with no sign of a struggle.

James didn't take a moment to think about what the Dark Mark here could mean. He ran as fast as he could.

All around, you could hear the loud cracks of people disapparating, alone or their arms firmly grasped around their family members.

A few people were apparating too. Journalists ready to lose their lives for a good article and Aurors, members of the Ministry, ready to fight. James recognized Alastor Moody, who had visited his parents a couple of times this summer, firing protective spells so fast he could have had two wands.

James didn't stop to seek safety by his side. His only concern was to find his friends.

And Lily. The thought hit him so hard James physically stopped. If the hooded figures really were Death Eaters, then the targets of this attack would be Muggleborns.

Without the shadow of an hesitation, James spun around and started running in the opposite way.

He didn't know where Lily was, but he knew where he last saw her, and something inside of him, a gut feeling, a magnet, or perhaps it was just love, was pulling him in the right direction.

He found her by the fire, in a narrow passageway perpendicular to the main street. One of her braids had come loose and blood was running down her face out of a deep cut besides one of her eyebrows.

She looked as dangerous as the flames.

An enormous man was facing her, young and bald, a cruel smile twisting his features. His right hand was clutching a small silver dagger and for some reason it terrified James even more than if it had been a wand.

"Evans!" he yelled, fear taking over his body like a cold and brutal wave.

Trying to locate the source of the noise, the man in the black robes turned around and adjusted his grip on his knife. His smile was wide and vicious, his eyes longing to see blood.

He threw himself into James with the speed of a horse, knife first. The blade drew a semi circle and cleaved through the air right were James was standing a second ago.

James jumped to the side to avoid a second stab, then a third. He was so close to his opponent he could hear his heavy breathing, smell his sweat. Each step he took the wizard took with him.

Not a second could be spared to draw his wand, although even if he had the opportunity, no spell he knew was designed for hand-to-hand combat.

He was trapped in this infernal dance, condemned to feel the dagger dig a hole in between his ribs. The man's movements were getting more precise every second. It would not be long.

Moved by a last rush of adrenaline, James dived forward, mobilizing each of his Quidditch earned reflexes, and violently shoved the man off him. As they were now barely a feet apart, James took his chance and drew his wand out of his back pocket to toss it to Lily.

Unaware of the movement, which had been incredibly quick, the man took a step forward to close the gap between him and James. His dreadful smile was gone. He raised the blade once again, ready to strike, then his entire body stiffened and he fell backwards.

Lily was standing behind him, James's wand raised. Once again, James realized he had never been more in love.

"Thanks," she said with a shaky voice, walking to him and handing him back his wand.

"Keep it," James answered, panting. "Where's yours?"

"Lost it in the fire."

She turned and looked at the burning building behind them and James suddenly realized the heat they had been fighting in. It was barely tolerable, heavy on the surface of the skin.

"You were inside?"

Lily nodded and moved the strap of her dress to reveal burns that extended from her clavicle to her left shoulder.

"It's regular fire though, not Fiendfyre, thank God."

Eyes fixed on Lily's burnt and irritated skin, James had trouble being as optimistic as she was.

"We have to go. Were you with someone?"

"Marlene and her parents," answered Lily, her brow furrowed with worry. "But we got separated when the fire broke out."

"I'm sure they Disapparated with her then," said James, more to reassure himself than Lily. "Come."

As a reflex, because he always did this with Sirius, he extended his hand for Lily to hold. She took it instinctively and despite the circumstances, despite the fire burning a few feet from them, the contact of their skins sent a shiver down James's spine.

"I'm gonna try to find my mom," he said with a slight tremble in his voice he hoped Lily didn't catch. "Follow me closely."

"You're not the boss of me."

"That I know," he smiled.

Together they walked back into the main alley. The fights there had stopped and spells were no longer being thrown blindly so they could walk without being bent in half.

The crowd was gone but a few people were left in the street. The floor was littered in a variety of things, going from wands and capes to school manuals and spilled buckets of frog legs.

Back to school shoppers had left their place to Aurors, who were walking briskly up and down the street, stopping anyone that looked suspicious.

Several times, James and Lily passed a group of St Mungo's Healers, kneeling around inanimate bodies. James tried not to think about the people that might have been hurt and looked away each time they saw anyone laying on the ground.

He needed to find his family. Moony. Wormtail. He needed to know that they were safe. They had to be safe.

They had to be.

"James?"

A voice in the distance made his heart jump and he let go of Lily's hand to run in front.

"Mom?"

Euphemia was here, disheveled, exhausted, but alive. James jumped in her arms, like he did when he was five, and felt a wonderful sense of relief overwhelm him. She was alive.

"Where's dad? And Sirius and the others?"

"Everyone is safe baby. Fleamont apparated home with your friends, no one got hurt."

James felt such a weigh lift off his chest, it was like he could fly. He hadn't realize until this very moment how heavy anxiety made his heart.

Suddenly, Euphemia drew her wand from her sleeve and pointed it in front of her, straight to Lily who had approached behind James.

Lily opened wide eyes and held both of her hands in the air as James instinctively pushed her away and planted himself in front of his mom's wand.

"Who is this?"

James had no idea Euphemia's voice could drop so low and be so menacing. He thought about every possibility. Imperius. Polynectar.

Or she could just be extremely worried, like any mother would be in this context.

"Mom, that's Lily," James answered, slowly, calmly.

Euphemia's eyes softened and she lowered her wand by an inch.

"Do you trust her?"

"With my life."

James had answered without a second of hesitation and Lily looked at him with a new light in her eyes.

Euphemia nodded and put her wand back in her sleeve.

"Let's get you both home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah i've been away again, i'm sorry this chapter is so late (and so short!) i can only hope it's good and you like it!!


	22. Hogwart Express

To say that going back to school was hard would be a euphemism.

On the platform 9 ¾ at King Cross, everywhere James looked he saw tears. From students to parents, families huddled together, saying their goodbyes as if it was the last.

In all this sadness and in all this omnipresent, suffocating fear, James' eyes were struggling to stay dry.

“Hogwarts is the safest place to be baby,” said Euphemia reassuringly, “Don't be afraid, you and your friends will be just fine.”

“I know that, mum,” sighed James, pretending to look at the steam from the train so she wouldn't see his tears. “It's not me I'm worried about though. I'm worried about you guys. Do you promise me you and dad wont be reckless and go on a senseless chase for that mysterious 'dark lord' and his friends?”

“Look who's talking,” smiled Euphemia, ruffling up her son's hair with one hand. “If someone here should be advised not to be reckless it would be you darling.”

“Good point,” said James, finally swallowing up his tears to tear his gaze away from the sky. “Hopefully Moony manages to control me this year.”

“Hopefully so,” replied his mom with a wide, sad smile.

She then turned to Sirius and hugged him tightly. From where he stood, James could clearly see his friend's smile and witness the stress melt away from his shoulders. Hugs from loving moms have a tendency to provoke that reaction and Sirius unfortunately hadn't experienced a lot of them.

Euphemia took Sirius's face in between her palms and made him promise he would write every week. James had trouble recalling a moment when his friend had seemed more grateful or more moved.

A loud whistle echoed in the platform and heartbreaking sobs from a few parents broke out. James bit his lip. Going back to Hogwarts had never been this painful.

After what happened in Diagon Alley, a letter had been sent to all the students, informing them that the Hogwarts Express was delayed and would depart a week later than the previous years. As well as being a welcomed holidays extension, it allowed everyone to spend more precious time with their families.

A great majority of the people present in Diagon Alley at the time were indeed students accompanied by their loved ones, and all had been extremely shocked. A little boy who was going to be a first year at Hogwarts as well as several shoppers and shopkeepers were still in intensive care at St Mungo's Hospital. As far as James could tell from the numerous articles in the Daily Prophet, no one had been arrested yet.

The atmosphere reigning in the wizarding world for the past two weeks was one of fear. No one left their homes alone, and Aurors recommended surrounding one's house with as much protective charms and spells as possible.

“Be safe boys,” said Fleamont in a low raspy voice.

“You too dad,” answered James while Sirius nodded.

A second whistle, louder this time, drilled into their ears and reverberated in the station. It was their signal to move.

“Go on boys, don't make the train wait,” said Fleamont as he pushed them away from him gently.

James didn't have the heart to point out that the station was still full of people and that barely half of the students were in the train already despite the warning of the train's conductor.

He dragged his suitcase on the ground and helped Sirius carry his own on the train. Blowing a last kiss to his parents, James started their quest for the compartment where Peter was probably waiting for them already, Remus being held back in the prefect compartment at the head of the train.

They found Peter quickly enough, or rather Peter's butt, as he was bent in half through the open window of the carriage, waving goodbye to his parents like a madman and quite unnecessarily, considering the train wasn't moving.

Sirius smiled, in a fond but also rather mocking way, and carried his index to his lips to ask James to be silent. He furtively approached Peter from behind and without warning closed the window on him. He didn't do it so violently that Peter was hurt, but just enough so that he was well stuck.

Peter kicked his feet in the air, shrieking and squirming, not unlike a rat caught in a trap, and James who had been biting his cheeks busted in laughter alongside with Sirius.

“Padfoot? Prongs? Let me out! Please!” Peter protested as James rushed to open the window, wiping away happy tears.

S irius always knew how to relieve pressure and was always the best at making James forget about his constant underlying anxiety.  Once Peter had both of his feet of the ground and smoothed his clothes with his palms he consented to laugh a bit with his best friends. 

“You're both idiots,” he smiled.

“At your service,” bowed Sirius before sprawling on the seat behind him, quickly imitated by James.

T hey caught up with Peter and what he had been up to for the past two weeks, carefully avoiding the subject of what happened the last time they saw each other.  Time flew by and before they knew it, the train was in motion and departing the station.

B arely a couple of minutes later, Remus joined them, his curly hair mess ier than usual and his school uniform seemingly wet around his shoulders.

“Do not go out there,” he said, his back against the door, a terrified look on his face. “It's a nightmare. Crying first years everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I love kids but I prefer them dry of any face related fluids.”

“Fluids? What are you, a nerd?” laughed Sirius, pulling his boyfriend on the seat closest to him. “Just say snot like a normal person.”

T hey all laughed, even if it seemed a bit forced considering the dozen of sobbing eleven years old right behind the door of their compartment.

“Oh and Prongs?”

“Yes Moony?”

“Lily was looking for you out there, so you should probably go and find her. But also don't tell her I'm here or she'll make me help her with the crying first years.”

James stood up as if he had been sitting on a spring, his stomach in his throat. Perhaps after five years of being in the same school and the same house as Lily he should be used to seeing her by now, but he truly wasn't.

Five years of getting sweaty palms at the simple idea of running into her in a hallway. Five years of hiding his anxiety and insecurities behind a rock solid wall of self confidence. Funny how times flies.

“So which one is it, 'don't go out there' or 'go find Lily'? You're really sending me mixed signals here Moony,” said James mockingly, although his hand already on the door handle made it quite clear he didn't think twice before making a decision.

He opened the door and slid in the corridor, before popping his head in the compartment a second later.

“Follow me and I'll bite your hands off.”

He shut the door on Peter's sigh and Sirius's loud laughter.

James had not taken two steps yet when he realized Remus was not exaggerating. The carriage was indeed packed with terrified looking first years, grasping at their suitcases for a sense of security, looking anxiously through the glass of the compartments.

James remembered his first time on the Hogwarts Express and how nervous he had been then. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for those kids to step on the train and leave their families in this time of war, and go somewhere they had never been before.

He tried to smile at them reassuringly as he walked down the hallway and a few of them smiled back. He finally spotted Lily further down the train, helping a minuscule looking second year with her enormous case, and talking to her in a maternal voice James had never heard from her before.

Decidedly, even after five years, Lily Evans remained full of surprises.

“What house are you in? Do you know where your friends are?” she said as she lifted the suitcase above her head as if it weighed nothing to balance it on top of several others in a corner.

“I'm in Slytherin. And I don't have friends.”

Now kneeling in front of the little girl, Lily only blinked at the information but her kind smile stayed the same and James was impressed by her poker face. Unless Lily was the only Gryffindor who was in good terms with Slytherins, even during the war. Which for once wouldn't be surprising.

“You'll make some. I promise,” she said, with the same sweet and maternal voice. “Now go find somewhere to sit and wait for the trolley witch to come by, okay?”

James could have sworn he had seen her slip a couple of Sickles in the girl's pocket before getting up.

“You were looking for me, Evans?” he asked, approaching her with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, like he had seen Sirius do before.

“Yes! And now I'm also looking for Remus, I seem to have lost him. Do you know where he is?”

“Ahem, hum, yes,” answered James, embarrassed. “He's uh... out there, drying the tears of small children! You'd be proud.”

Lily rolled her eyes despite her faint smile.

“He's hiding from me, isn't he?”

“Very much so.”

“God, I knew it,” Lily grunted. “Emotions aren't really his strong suit as I've noticed.”

James raised both of his eyebrows. He certainly hadn't noticed.

“Anyway, here's your wand,” she continued, taking James's wand out of an inside pocket of her leather jacket. “I know you wanted me to keep it, even at home where I have no use for it. It was nice of you.”

James shrugged to hide the jolt of energy that ran through his body the second he put his hand on his wand, still covered in Lily's magic.

“Your parents are Muggles. If for some reason the Death Eaters had found your house, you would have had no real way to defend your family and yourself against them. I already told you back then. You know I was right.”

By 'back then' James meant the moment when Euphemia had brought them both back to Godric's Hollow and had treated their injuries before taking Lily back to her parents and explaining the situation to them. Right before leaving, Lily had tried once again to give his wand back to James but he had refused categorically.

“You're right,” sighed Lily. “And me having a wand did reassure my parents and my sister, so thank you.”

“Do you have a new one?”

Lily nodded and showed him.

“It's practically the same as my old one. Willow wood and unicorn hair Ollivander said.”

“Ollivander?” James exclaimed. “You went back to Diagon Alley?”

“What other choice did I have?” said Lily, shivering as if the sole thought of the memory deeply troubled her. “It was awful. So empty and silent... Almost every store on the street was closed.”

James hesitated to take a step forward to get closer to her. She looked so young in this moment, almost fragile. And fragile had never been a word before used to describe Lily Evans.

“I'm sorry you had to go back,” he whispered softly. “That was really brave of you. I still have nightmares about it.”

“Yeah, me too,” she whispered back, stepping forward to close the narrow gap between them.

“I never properly thanked you back then,” she then said with a shy smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

James had never seen this expression on her face before. Perhaps it was gratefulness, an emotion beautiful, electric Lily seemed to have trouble with in the past and now had expressed twice in a few minutes.

“You saved my life,” her voice was low and James felt his heart speed race all the way to the moon and back. “Thank you for that.”

“You saved mine.”

“I guess we're even then,” said Lily, her voice so quiet it barely audible now, although James heard her perfectly. She was so close. 

“I guess so,” replied James, taking a step back to catch his breath, get some air, cool down, and above everything look away from Lily's hypnotizing emerald eyes.

S he smiled at him sadly and took a step back herself. 

“See you around James.”

She walked away without looking back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah sorry for that ending, i hope you don't hate me! i'm trying to get back on schedule and post a chapter every sunday, hopefully i can keep to it!! thank you so much for reading this far!!


	23. Back to school

James, Peter and Sirius stepped out of the train in the pouring rain while Remus led the first years to the traditional crossing of the lake. The weather was such a perfect echo to the general mood amongst the students, that for once the Marauders were struggling to put a smile on everyone's face.

Barely anyone laughed when Sirius pretended to lead the carriages pulled by the Thestrals, and only a few people at the Gryffindor table clapped when, during the Repartition, James theatrically pulled out of his pocket the golden snitch he still hadn't returned.

“Alice is going to murder you,” said Peter, slouched on the table, desperately waiting for the Repartition to end.

“Alice is gone, she passed her NEWTs last year,” replied James, and as the words slipped from his mouth he realized what it meant. “We're gonna have a new captain of the Quidditch team...”

While James frowned at the perspective of playing Quidditch without Alice, which would truly be less fun, Peter propped himself up on one elbow and looked at him intensely.

“Wait, you mean you're not the new captain?”

James blinked as he quickly remembered the letter he had received from Hogwarts this summer, bringing him the results of his OWLs, the list of school supplies and... absolutely nothing about Quidditch. He wasn't the new captain. He had given it no thought before this moment but, for a second, he caught himself thinking that it would have been nice to be able to really lead the team like it was his.

“Sorry boys, overheard ya,” rose a voice two seats from Remus. Unable to spot the source, James wiggled in his place to try and see who was talking. “ _I'm_ the new captain of the team. Guess McGonagall prefers feminine delicacy to male recklessness.”

“Pretty sure that's sexist, McKinnon,” sighed James so quietly that his words were drowned in the loud cheers welcoming 'Wallace, Suzanne!' to the Gryffindor table.

Just like that, the Repartition was over and Dumbledore was facing the Great Hall, opening welcoming arms.

“Let's eat!” he declared simply.

He was met with applause from all sides of the gigantic room and James was relieved to see that not everything had changed. In fact, the mood had shifted ever so slightly since they had come down from the train, and the tension that was almost palpable in the Hogwarts express almost vanished entirely as the many dishes and plates appeared on every table.

“F'n'lly,” said Peter, his mouth somehow already full of roasted chicken and baby carrots.

“You ate about three sandwiches in the train!” protested Remus, visibly chocked by his friend's manners. “Plus half of the candy on the trolley!”

Peter shrugged before pointing at Sirius sitting next to James.

“Bl'me h'm. H' sc'red m' 't the st't'on,” he said, finally swallowing. “I worked up an appetite.”

Remus laughed and helped himself to the potatoes.

“If it can make you feel any better about Marlene being captain, I'm starting to get sick of being a prefect. Don't get me wrong, I like being able to threaten you with detention whenever I can, and being someone the kids turn to for advice is nice, but I could do without being around perfect prefect Lily for just one peaceful day.”

James stared straight at Remus for a few silent seconds before taking a bite out of his spinach pie.

“What a nightmare. It really does make me feel better, Moony,” he finally replied, deadpan.

Remus poked his tongue at him before stealing a crisp from his boyfriend's plate.

“I'm on your side Prongs. I have high hopes one day I'll persuade her you're someone good.”

James smiled. He still hadn't told his friend what exactly went down back in Diagon Alley, and the rest of the Marauders had just assumed they had run into each other right before finding Euphemia.

He still hadn't told them about whatever had happened on the train just a few hours before either. Once he got back to their carriage, he had just raised his wand above his head triumphantly and no questions were asked, Remus and Sirius being much too focused persuading Peter to eat absolutely every kind of candy from the trolley.

“Don't worry about it,” James answered. “Hopefully she'll see it on her own.”

“I've rarely seen you so confident about this,” said Sirius raising a surprised eyebrow.

James sat up straight on the bench and puffed up his chest before squinting at Sirius.

“I'm a changed man,” he said with the voice of someone who takes themselves too seriously.

His friends laughed before trying to kick him under the table.

By the time the desserts appeared, all of them were full, even Peter who was once again slouched over the table, holding his belly as if it were about to explode.

“My belly's about to explode.”

“Save it for after the speech,” whispered Remus to him, “I feel like it's gonna be good this year.”

Indeed, Dumbledore was standing up behind the Professors' table, politely waiting for the noise of the crowd to go down. Once a relative silence had settled on the Dinning Hall, he opened his arms wide and suddenly James understood a little better where his taste for the theatrical came from.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself,” he said, bringing his palms back together at his heart. “It is no secret to most of you that an unreasonable man has been trying to shape our world in a way he deems 'pure'. It is no secret to most of you that this man feeds off terror. But we are not to give in to fear. Hogwarts is and has always been the safest place to be, and I want you all to trust that this man will be apprehended by the Ministry.”

This statement was applauded, at first shyly then with more and more conviction.

“Our number one priority at Hogwarts is your education, and although the beginning of this school year was pushed back a week as a gesture of respect regarding the tragedy of Diagon Alley, we will not be intimidated. We will not be bullied into submission. Teaching you is our job, and yours is to learn and grow. It goes without saying that any act of terror inside these walls will be punished more than severely and met with serious consequences. May this year bring you peace.”

With a nod of the head, the old man sat back down and the Hall suddenly busted into cheers and applause. James took advance of this moment of light euphoria to glance discreetly over to the Slytherin table and smiled upon seeing that Snape and his friends were the only ones who didn't look particularly thrilled by the director's speech.

“Looks like someone's sad they won't get to play terrorist on Moony this year,” said Sirius, who had followed James's gaze.

“Is it bad that I hope that he tries? I want him expelled so bad.”

“Don't we all,” sighed Sirius before following a group of first years led out of the Dining Hall by Remus and Lily.

Too absorbed in his contemplation of the redheaded prefect, James forgot to reply. Thankfully, Sirius did not seem to mind, being focused himself on another prefect of his own.

Trailing behind, Peter was still holding his tummy and walking even slower than usual.

“Guys? Guys!” he called, so sweaty and out of breath he looked like he had just got down of the longest Quidditch match in the world. “Can you hold up? I'm not feeling great.”

“What's up?” asked James, suddenly worried. Peter truly didn't look so well.

“I shouldn't have ate all that candy. And all that chicken. Thinking about it, maybe the gravy and pork chops were a bad idea too.”

“Seriously Pete?” said Sirius, rolling his eyes. “Maybe you could have predicted that. Do you want us to walk you to the infirmary?”

“Don't worry about it, you guys go to the dorm, I'll just stop by Madame Pomfrey's office to check if she has anything for tummy aches.”

He ran off, his hands still clasping his belly as if it was about to fall off.

“Hope the little guy's gonna be okay,” frowned Sirius, looking worryingly to the corner where Peter had disappeared.

“He'll live. I've seen him eat maybe twice more than that at your birthday last year.”

“Oh I remember that night! But what about at Christmas in second year? He ate so much he couldn't get up the next morning!”

They discussed Peter's impressive and resilient stomach all the way up to the Gryffindor tower, where Remus was already waiting for them in their shared room.

James didn't waste any time and immediately dived into his trunk to pull out enough robes and manuals to stop the bedroom from looking too put together. It was what he liked to call his 'creative mess' that helped give the space more homey vibes.

“Put one more sock on the ground and I will murder you in your sleep,” said Remus, laying on his bed eyes closed.

This little ritual was happening for six years in a row and Remus was no stranger to it, and oddly enough he was the only person James truly listened when it came to order.

“I'd like to see you try,” he replied, while diligently putting a lone sock back into his trunk.

Sirius scoffed, taking advantage of Peter's absence to sprawl onto his boyfriend's knees. Remus started playing with his hair absent-mindedly and James caught himself smiling at the softness of the scene.

Sometimes he couldn't believe his luck in regards to his friends. He really was surrounded at all times by the best people he knew, by some miracle or some beautiful twist of fate.

They talked about everything, love, pain and heartache, family, friends and enemies, until the half moon was high up in the sky.

“Who has the map?” asked James, suddenly straightening up from his laying position on the ground. “I want to check on Peter, he should be back by now.”

“Madame Pomfrey probably kept him for the night,” said Sirius, throwing the map at his friend's head. “You know how she is.”

James shrugged. It was most definitely the case but he still had nightmares about that time he had found Moony white as snow in a closet, and he didn't want to take any chances.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he muttered while taping the map with his wand, which curiously still reverberated with Lily's magical energy.

The piece of parchment unfolded magically and thin ink lines began to cover almost the entire surface of the paper, crossing and blossoming to form the most complex bit of magic and the proudest achievement of the Marauders so far.

James had no trouble finding Peter's name of the map, standing still on one of the bed of the infirmary. What drew his attention was something else. Two students out of their dorm after curfew, right outside of the Gryffindor common room. Snape and Lily.

Without thinking twice, James grabbed his cloak and got up in one swift movement.

“I'm gonna go for a walk,” he said, vaguely in the direction of his friends before walking out the door.

As expected, neither Remus nor Sirius passed on the opportunity to have the dorm room all to themselves, so James was not followed.

He ran down the stairs to the common room in a hurry, throwing the Invisibility cloak over him like he had done a million times before. He knelt in front of the painting and listened carefully for what was going on on the other side of it.

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm not interested.”

“I'm sorry!”

“Save your breath.”

James smiled. Hearing Lily talk this roughly to Snape was always a pleasure.

“I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”

“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just...”

“Slipped out?” There was no pity in Lily's voice. “It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends.. you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”

There was a pause and James held his breath. He had waited for so long for Lily to realize just this. Hearing these words in her voice was such a relief.

“I can't pretend any more. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.”

“No.. Listen, I didn't mean...”

“... To call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”

The portrait hole slid open and James had to jump to the side to avoid collision with a very angry looking Lily. Her wavy red hair bounced behind her as she ran up the stairs to the girls' dorms.

The joy James had felt hearing Lily tell Snape off had evaporated. She looked genuinely upset. James's heart did a sad loop inside his chest as he watched her disappear.


	24. Try-outs

James hopped out of bed at 6 am, fully awake. The Quidditch try outs were today and Marlene had made it extremely clear that having been on the former team did not guarantee you a spot on it this year.

Although James did not quite see the point in changing up an entire team that worked so well together when all they really needed was to find a beater to replace Alice, he was determined to do the best he could. He got dressed silently to avoid waking up his friends before running down to the Great Hall and grabbing a quick breakfast.

The second he set foot outside the gates of the castle he knew just how unpleasant the try outs were going to be. The sky was low and dark, and a cold autumn wind was picking up, shaking the trees with such a force the entire Forbidden Forest seemed to be shivering.

James adjusted his cape on his shoulders and walked decidedly towards the pitch. Alice had never allowed them to skip a day of practice, whether it rained or snowed and Marlene would probably do the same.

James smiled thinking of the time McGonagall almost physically pulled the broom out of Alice's hands because the thunder was becoming too dangerous to play. Nothing ever scared Alice. James hoped she was okay, wherever she was, and promised himself to write to her as soon as he could.

He had never truly realized how much he appreciated her company, until the moment she was gone.

Once in the locker room he quickly put his Quidditch robe over his school robe, thinking he would need every layer to protect him against the cold air of the morning.

Marlene was already waiting on the field, the strong breeze tangling her long blonde hair.

“You're the first one here,” she said, trying to speak louder than the wind. Her tone was matter-a-fact but there was a slight frown on her forehead and James could tell she was wondering if he was also the last.

“Don't worry, they'll all show.”

“Hope you're right,” she sighed.

She glanced over at the stands were Lily was already sitting, yawing and disheveled, surrounded by empty seats.

“She insisted on coming, as moral support for me,” Marlene continued. “I don't want to disappoint her.”

James nodded, trying not to look at the stands for too long. Lily had pulled a long piece of parchment and a quill out of her bag and she was writing, seemingly unaware that the wind made of her hair a sea of red curls. She had the slightest of smiles on her face as she tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. James didn't want to disappoint her either.

“She's too good for the both of us,” said Marlene, and her tone shifted and became almost sad. “Don't break her heart.”

James turned to her, confused. _He_ was the one getting his heart crushed over and over again. How could Marlene not know that?

Before he got the chance to ask her, the rest of the team came out of the locker room and Marlene welcomed them warmly, sighing with relief. There was a few new faces, younger students here for the try outs, some James had seen before and some he didn't recognize.

“I'm not gonna put you through any sort of speech, we all know why you're here and I want to see how you fly. Let's wrap this up before it starts to rain.”

James had to admit none of Alice's pre-training talk had ever been so concise. Maybe that was the one thing he wouldn't miss about her.

Surely enough, it started to rain the second everyone got on their brooms. It was slow at first, just a few barely noticeable drops, but after they passed the quaffle around a couple of times it was downright pouring.

James's glasses were fogging up every breath he took and it became increasingly difficult for him to see the quaffle and follow its movements. Everyone else was also struggling, mostly with the strength of the wind, which made it impossible to stay static in the air, but also with the soaking wet quaffle, that slipped in between outstretched hands and fell to the ground more times than they could count.

As James was spiking up to catch up to the level of the other players after picking up what felt like an umpteenth lost quaffle, he caught a glimpse of the stands were Remus and Peter had joined Lily. They seemed to have enchanted today's edition of the Daily Prophet to float above their heads and repel the rain. They were all surrounded by the light glow characterizing a warming charm and for the first time in his life, James wished he could be on the stands and not freezing his ass off on his broom.

He caught the quaffle Marlene threw at him at the last possible second.

“James! You're in charge of what goes on in the air,” she yelled at him, over the howling wind. “I have to land if I want to have a chance to see how everyone is doing.”

“Got it!” he yelled back, joining his answer with a thumbs up in case she didn't hear him.

She dived to the ground and landed roughly in one of the many puddles in the field, projecting mud and water all around. James laughed when he looked down and saw an enormous black dog imitating her, jumping in puddles and sprinting in the rainstorm, looking up to the wizards above him.

Although human Sirius would rather eat the entire Whomping Willow than get his hair wet by the rain, dog Sirius loved nothing more than to play in the mud.

James felt his heart swell. It meant the world to him that his friends had braved the elements to come and encourage him during what was starting to be the worst Quidditch try outs the school had ever known.

It went on for fifteen more minutes, James trying his best to motivate the players remaining. Somehow they were down to ten, which meant three had abandoned the playing field. James hadn't seen them land but then again, he could barely see the end of his broom.

As an icy blast of wind cut through each of his bones and he considered giving up, Marlene's whistle resonated through the pitch and James dived to the ground and landed in a puddle with satisfaction. It was such a childish instinct than to try to make the biggest splash, but no one could resist it.

“There's no point in going any further, everyone get changed and go warm up in the common room,” said Marlene loudly. Her hair looked darker soaking wet and it fell flat on her shoulders. She looked defeated, exhausted.

The rest of the team almost made a run for the changing rooms, but James held back.

“That was a disaster,” said Marlene, who hadn't moved a muscle, standing still under the rain.

“No it wasn't,” said James because it was the right thing to say. “You can't control the weather.”

“It's not about that. I don't know why I was made captain. The title clearly belongs to you and we both know it.”

Marlene sighed and closed her eyes. The rain pouring down her face looked like tears.

“No,” said James softly, so quietly he could have thought she didn't hear him if she hadn't opened her eyes. “You deserve it. You're organized and meticulous. You're incredibly talented yet humble. Everyone respects you. Me, I... well, I'm not all that.”

Marlene scoffed and smiled just a little bit and James took it as a sign he could continue.

“I'm constantly late and I don't care for rules. I'm reckless and less of a team player than I want to admit. Sure, I may score more than you during a regular match, and I know how to boost moral. That just means I'm gonna be able to keep up the team's energy when we need to. But it is your drive and your passion that are going to lead us to this year's trophy.”

“You sound awfully confident that you're gonna stay on the team, Potter!” smiled Marlene, waving her finger as a warning he was getting too confident.

“Are you quoting Alice right now?” James laughed.

“Well, she taught me everything I know in terms of how to annoy you, so yes.”

James rolled his eyes and petted the head of the enormous black dog that was sitting next to him patiently.

“I will never be free of this woman,” he grumbled before heading back to the changing rooms.

A couple of players were still inside, teeth chattering from the cold. James waited absent-mindedly for Marlene to arrive but she hadn't followed him.

He got dressed quickly before running under the rain to the West Tower. It was customary that he should meet the rest of the Marauders back in the comfort of Gryffindor common room but James decided to take a little detour through the Owlery.

The dirt footpath had turned into nothing but mud and quickly enough his shoes and robes were the dirtiest they had ever been. Thankfully the clouds were thinning and the sun was starting to come out. James took a second to welcome the rays of warmth he had taken for granted during the whole summer.

A peaceful silence reigned at the top of the Owlery tower. James stepped confidently over the straw, owl droppings and regurgitated skeletons of mice, and sat at the one desk that looked clean enough. He helped himself to the parchment and ink the school put at disposition of the students and started writing.

 

 

_Dear Alice,_

 

_I hope you and your family are well and safe. After what happened in Diagon Alley two weeks ago, I think I finally understood why you want to be an Auror. And if you manage to terrorize this so-called “Dark Lord” like you terrorized your Quidditch team, you will be a bloody great one._

_You probably have other things on your mind and I don't blame you, but I was wondering if you knew that McKinnon was made captain this year._

_At first it had completely slipped my mind that there would be a new captain, but somehow I was still taken aback that it wasn't me. Was it selfish of me to assume I would get the title? Undoubtedly. That's why I'm very glad Marlene got it._

_Somehow I'm convinced that you had something to do with it and I wanted to thank you, although that's probably not the reaction you were expecting to get out of me._

_Anyway, we miss you. Quidditch without you won't be as fun. But at least we can hope to win the trophy this year._

 

_Love, James._

 

 

He leaned onto the window sill as he watched the school owl fly away. He stood there for a moment, taking in the beauty of the mountains up ahead and of the thousands of trees spreading as far as he could see. The owl disappeared in a cloudless sky.

It had finally stopped raining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is starting to be a long fic! I never thought I would write so much, but hey here we are! so i think i'm gonna try to give names to all the chapters so maybe it's clearer for everyone(?) but i'm really bad at giving title to things so it's purely gonna be for utilitarian purposes (did i use that word right?)  
> anyway, hope you liked this chapter! please tell me what you think of the fic so far!


	25. The Whiskey Bottle Incident

“James! Pssst, James! Wake up!”

James raised his head slowly, unsure of where he was and of what he was supposed to be doing. Through his sleepy eyes he barely managed to recognize he was in the library, and that he had apparently used the school's copy of Advanced Potion-Making as a pillow.

The sun was setting and projected a soft orange glow through the windows, directly onto Sirius, who was holding James's shoulder and still shaking it gently.

“You good mate?”

“Yeah, yeah, m'fine,” answered James, quickly wiping the drool off his chin. “What's up?”

“I've been looking all over for you,” said Sirius precipitately, lowering his voice and looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was listening. “I stole Sluggy's bottle of Blishen's Firewhisky, I need you to hide it.”

“What?”

James shook his head to chase the confusion caused by his unprompted nap, and finally recognize the shape of what Sirius was hiding underneath his robe.

“What?” James repeated, trying to wrap his head around what he had just heard.

“I need to get back to the dungeons for my detention, Sluggy could come back any minute, just... just hide this okay?”

Sirius shoved the glass bottle in James' hands and ran off without waiting for an answer. James stared blankly at the label which proclaimed “King of Whiskies” before coming back to his senses and quickly move the bottle under the table, out of sight of the other students.

Just a few seconds ago, he was apart of a wonderful dream involving copious and unhealthy amounts of chocolate frogs and sugar quills. Now, he had been dragged into a serious crime and made an accomplice by association. James smiled.

Finally a prospect for an exciting evening.

He jumped to his feet, closing the school manual in the same movement. The library was almost empty of people, as it was still very early in the school year and curfew was coming up for the younger students. James tried to remember the reason as to why he was in the library in the first place, but failed to come up with a reasonable explanation.

“Guess I'm just going crazy then,” he mumbled to himself.

His school bag being nowhere to be seen, James had no other choice than the hide the bottle behind his back and walk like a crab past Madam Pince's desk.

Once in the thankfully empty hallway, he got out his wand in an effort to downsize the bottle to make it easier to carry, a quick second before remembering Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration. Unsure of what exactly was the exception and of whether or not whisky could be considered as food, James chose not to take the risk and rather hide the bottle inside his robe like Sirius had done minutes before.

He was briskly walking in direction of the Gryffindor Tower when his brain started racing.

Sirius was alone in detention with Slughorn, who would notice probably immediately that his whiskey was gone. His suspicions would be drawn to the closest person by, and then it would be too easy to send an elf to their dorm room to look for the bottle. Not to mention that the vials of Polynectar they had stolen the year before were still sitting underneath Remus' bed.

James picked up the pace. The stakes were higher than he had anticipated.

He ran back to the common room, still clutching the bottle under his robe. Once in the dorm, he laid on the floor to pick up the dusty vials of Polynectar and threw them all in his schoolbag along with the whiskey bottle.

The one place they used whenever they needed storage was the abandoned classroom on the second floor, also known as Peeve's room. No one other than the Marauders ever dared to come in and risk getting on the nerves of the poltergeist, who was surprisingly very comfortable with letting four Gryffindors use the place as they wished.

James threw his bag over his shoulder and left the common room in a hurry. What he had not thought of was that each of his movements triggered an alarming sounds of glass bottles knocking into each other.

Either he could move suspiciously slow to avoid any unwanted noise, or he could race across the hallways and take the chance that none of the bottles would break and that no one would dare to stop him. He tried the first option for a short while, before running out of patience and sprinting like a madman to the second floor.

As he busted in Peeve's room, panting, he came to an abrupt stop. For a moment, he wondered he if was still dreaming, which would be the only way to explain the absurdity of the situation.

Lily was here, as white as a ghost, stood on top of one of the desks, a letter crumpled up in her hand.

They stared at each other without saying anything for a few seconds which seemed eternal to James. It was Lily who finally broke the silence.

“I can explain.”

“Please do.”

“There is justification for all of this.”

“I bet.”

James was desperately trying to stay as still as possible to keep the glass bottles from moving around in his school bag and draw Lily's attention.

“I came here to write a letter for my sister,” she explained with a shy smile. “I've been using this room since you showed it to me last year. Peeves doesn't bother me much since he saw me talking to the Bloody Baron one time. Besides, it is so much quieter here than in the common room and Madam Pince wont allow me back in the library ever since I accidentally, totally not on purpose threw _House Elves & How to obtain their submission_ into the fire.”

“Bold.”

“Thank you.”

“Doesn't explain why you're standing on the table though, does it?”

“Oh yeah, I saw a huge spider over there and I have no idea where it went.”

“WHAT?” exclaimed James, scrambling onto the nearest chair.

He threw a panicked glance over the entire room before realizing just how noisy his precipitated movements had been, and that Lily was now eying his backpack suspiciously.

“Mind telling me what's in there?” she asked innocently.

“How about I don't tell you, and in exchange I don't tell anyone you're scared of spiders?” negotiated James.

“Deal.”

“Well, that was easier than anticipated,” he laughed nervously.

“Shut up, I need this, I have to keep my reputation as a badass.”

“You have a reputation as a badass?”

“No,” answered Lily, smiling from ear to ear this time. “I really want one though.”

Their shared laughter echoed onto the walls of the small room before it returned to an unbothered silence that lasted an awfully long and awkward minute.

“Thank you, for what you said to Marlene at the try-outs,” said Lily finally, the corners of her mouth lifting just slightly. “It was... well, it was kind.”

James shrugged, embarrassed.

“She told you about that?” he asked, ruffling up his hair with his free hand in an effort to look less awkward.

“She did. She told me she was insecure and you made her feel better. That's not something I ever expected to see from you so I was pleasantly surprised.”

“What can I say, I guess I'm growing up,” James smiled.

“I would like to see that,” said Lily quietly, as James wiggled uncomfortably on the chair, causing the bottles to rattle once more.

Lily was smiling but her eyes looked sad and James tried to remember the last time he had heard this tone coming from her mouth. Perhaps even it was the first time her voice had ever been this soft.

“I'm gonna go,” she continued, “something tells me you have important business to carry with whatever's in that bag.”

She got down from the desk carefully and walked to the door with an extra bounce of confidence which was probably just compensation. James was still debating whether or not he should say something when she closed the door behind her.

Immediately coming off whatever spell he seemed to be under when Lily was around, James leaped from his chair as far away as possible from where the spider supposedly had been. He quickly took all of the bottles out of his bag before lining them up in a corner of the room and placing an old and dusty map over them.

He then ran out of the classroom, hoping to catch up with Lily and potentially walk back to the common room with her. And for the second time that night, he stopped dead in his tracks when he was confronted to the situation on the other side of the door.

Severus Snape froze as well and his eyebrows rose high on his forehead as he stared down at James.

“What were you doing in there with Lily?”

“Well that's none of your business now, is it?” blurred out James as his cheeks turned red.

“Don't get smart with me. You're forgetting I know what Lupin is,” Snape spat. “I haven't said anything because of what happened back at the Willow. Because I thought I owed you. Then you and your little puppy had to humiliate me in front of the school. In front of her. I don't owe you shit.”

“The thing is...” started James between grind teeth, anger rising fast inside his chest, “you haven't really been keeping your mouth shut, have you? Otherwise I wouldn't have been forced to do what I've done.”

“Keep giving yourself excuses for being a worthless bully. You think you're so much better than me? You're not.”

James bit his tongue. He thought about that a lot. Was he really better? Or was he trapped in an endless circle of violence and bullying, condemned to always do exactly what he knew was so wrong, because Snape appealed to his ego and pride.

“Actually I am,” he replied finally, turning his face ever so slightly to show the thin scar that spread on his left cheek. “You did this to me just a few months ago.”

“I was defend-”

“Shut up and let me finish,” interrupted James coldly.

He opened the first few buttons of his shirt and tugged at the collar, revealing the extremity of a much larger silver scar starting from his collarbone.

“You did this to me too.”

“I didn-”

“Yes, you did. I don't care that it was Sirius's fault that I got hurt. You left me there to die. To bleed out on the floor. You did that in cold blood and for what? Some petty school rivalry? Better yet, for Lily? Wake up Severus, there is a war going on as we speak. And from what I can tell it's pretty clear which side you're on.”

Snape's face had turned greyish and he looked as sick as ever, standing there with his arms at his sides, his greasy hair falling flat on his cheeks. For the first time in years, James didn't see the enemy in him. He just saw a boy.

“Listen,” James continued, softening his tone just a little bit. “We can go back and forth arguing about who's the bigger dick here but it would last forever. How about we just leave each other alone for a minute?”

After a few seconds, Snape nodded so imperceptibly that James would have missed it if he had blinked.

“Please don't tell anyone about Remus,” he continued. “He's not dangerous. Dumbledore knows it.”

Snape's jaw remained firmly clenched as he turned heel and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo much happened in this chapter and boy did i have fun writing it! I really hope you like it!! We're going to be seeing much more of Lily from this chapter on!


	26. Petunia

The week following what would remain in Marauder's history as “the whiskey bottle incident”, James had picked up the habit to always carry the Marauder's map with him, and keep an eye on Lily's little dot as it wandered around the castle, especially after curfew. Although he knew from experience Lily could very easily take care of herself when it came to Snape, James couldn't help himself but worry about retaliation from him.

Lily's rejection, then seeing her leave an empty room in company of his worst enemy couldn't have been easy on Snape. James feared it might have pushed him over the edge. Though he knew Snape would never do anything to hurt Lily, James still remembered vividly the extent of his magical abilities and the disgust in his voice when he called her a mudblood.

“For the love of everything that is sacred Prongs, either put that slice of pie down or bite into it but please stop hovering it over your plate, you're making me anxious.”

Finally coming back to the present moment, James realized he had been starting down at his slice of pumpkin pie for the better part of a minute and put it down.

“Doesn't take much to make you anxious nowadays Wormy,” he teased gently.

“Whatever,” shrugged Peter, “at least I'm not glaring at that innocent slice as if it killed my parents.”

“Yeah, that's because you eat everything before you can get a chance to even see it,” said Sirius, happily jumping into the conversation. “I've never seen a human eat this much food before, you're my hero Pete.”

Peter hid his blushing cheeks behind the cereal bowl he finished to engulf.

“Guess it's the rat in me,” he answered finally.

James rolled his eyes to the ceiling while Sirius laughed.

“Would you say that louder? I don't think the Ravenclaw table heard you.”

Peter's muffled sounds of protestation were interrupted by the sound of hundreds of wings flapping together and entering the Great Hall. As the birds descended onto the four tables and students protected their delicious breakfast from feather and claws, James looked for the small black owl he had sent to Alice.

Surely enough, the bird landed on his shoulder almost immediately, a letter neatly tied around its leg.

“That's not your parent's owl, who's that from?” asked Remus, reaching inside his school bag to pull out a few Sickles for the owl on his plate holding out its claw with determination.

“Alice,” replied James soberly. “Since when do you buy the newspaper?”

“Last week. Since has Alice been writing you letters?”

“Mind your damn business mister prefect,” smiled James as he ripped open the envelope.

 

_Dear James,_

 

_I was delighted to learn that Marlene was made team captain this year, even though unfortunately this was none of my doing. I wish I had had the time between successfully passing my NEWTs and leading the Gryffindor Quidditch team, to focus on making you as miserable as possible and talk to McGonagall about it last year, but as you may have started to notice by now, the world does not revolve around your 'fat head', to quote Evans._

_I have just started the first year training to become an Auror and everything is going well so far, I'm even being trained by Frank Longbottom, who was Head Boy two years ago, do you remember him? According to him, The Daily Prophet isn't at all reliable anymore and you should not believe them when they claim things are getting more peaceful in the Wizarding World._

_With you being at Hogwarts I don't imagine you have lots of means of communication with the outside world expect for the newspaper and your parents, and I urge you to use your critical mind before you believe either of them. Your parents mean well and often have a tendency to protect you from the ugly truth, but it is becoming more and more dangerous everyday here, even if they hide it from you._

_Stay safe in school and take back that Quidditch trophy from the Slytherins. I know you can._

 

_Love, Alice._

 

_P.S: I do miss you dumbass._

 

James put down the letter with a fake smile while Remus folded the newspaper with satisfaction.

“They said the Ministry is getting close to catching those bastards from Diagon Alley. They could already be locked up by now for all we know. There were no deaths this week, things are finally starting to clear up.”

James hesitated to tell him about Alice's warning, opened his mouth then closed it. Remus had enough on his mind right now, with the full moon coming up. What good would it do to take away his hope? There was nothing four teenagers in their positions could do against such an evil force, that seemed to be everywhere and nowhere at once.

James shoved Alice's letter in his bag. He was suddenly not hungry anymore.

Raising his eyes from his untouched piece of pie, something caught his attention on the other side of the table, a few seats away from him. Lily had stood up and was walking away briskly, a newly opened letter crumpled up in her right hand, wiping tears from her face with the left.

Without thinking, James threw his bag over his shoulder and got up in one quick movement.

“I'll be right back guys,” he blurred out before going after her.

Lily walked so fast she was already out of sight, although it didn't matter to James because he exactly where she was going. Not even bothering to take out the map folded neatly in his pocket, he headed straight to the abandoned room in the second floor where he knew he would find her.

He stopped when he arrived at the door. He hadn't exactly taken the time to think of what he would say to her. There was one thing that he knew and it was that she was upset, and he couldn't stand the thought of that. He took a sharp inhale and pushed the door open.

Lily was sat at one of the desks, leaning on the table, her face buried in her arms.  She hadn't seen him enter and James stood at the door awkwardly, afraid to startle her.

“Are you okay?” he said finally.

Lily's head rose from the table and she shot him a deathly glance. Tears  were  running down her face and she looked so desperately sad  it broke James' heart.

“Fuck off, Potter,” she answered in a weak voice before letting her head fall in between her arms again.

Not sad enough to lose her  stinging retorts apparently.

“I just wanna know you're okay,” insisted James, taking a step forward with his hands in the air to signify he came in peace.

Lily rose her head again, dried her cheeks with the sleeves of her robe and straightened up in her chair.

“As you can see I'm wonderful.”

“That I trust,” smiled James, taking another step forward. “But what I want to know is if you're okay.”

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes. Her eyes were still glistening and there was a slight shake in her voice James had never heard before. But then again, he had never seen her being so affected by anything before either.

“Is it your family? Are they okay?” he asked cautiously.

“They're safe, if that's what you're asking,” sighed Lily. She seemed to have given up on kicking James out of the room so he allowed himself to relax just a little bit and sat on one of the desk, putting his legs up on a chair so he was facing her and leaning forward to see her face clearly.

“The letter was from my sister, if you really want to know,” Lily said after a while.

“Is there something wrong with her?”

“Not- I mean not exactly,” Lily hesitated, wiping the tears from her face once again. Her voice was steadier now, which James was grateful for. He really didn't know how to act when Lily was not being her usual witty self. “Well... yes. There is, and it's because of me.”

“I'm sure it's not,” said James because there was nothing else to say.

“It is,” insisted Lily and suddenly the tremble in her voice was back. “I've been pushing her away. I've been using her new boyfriend as an excuse to grow apart from her and I keep telling myself I'm doing this to protect her, to keep her away from the entire magical world and to keep her from getting hurt but I miss her James, I miss her.”

The words were flowing from her mouth as if she had been keeping everything for herself for too long and desperately needed someone to confess to. Her hands she had been holding in front of her face starting shaking and she hid them under the table before continuing.

“I've been trying so hard to protect her, I didn't realize she was trying to protect _me_. I'm so used to her being jealous of me, for everything: my clothes, my hair, mom and dad's attention, Hogwarts, even Severus I think. She used to be jealous of me and now she's scared for me and I don't know what's worse James, I don't know what's worse.”

“Why would she be scared for you? Does she know what's going on in the Wizarding world?” asked James, his mind racing. These kind of revelations from Lily were unexpected to say the least, and he tried to act as undisturbed as possible, so he could be in the best position possible to help her.

“She likes to eavesdrop. I think she heard your mom talk to my parents after... well, you know what happened.”

“Yeah, I know.”

James had noticed that it was becoming increasingly difficult to talk about Diagon Alley as the days went on. As if time, far from healing all wounds, simply allowed more space for the pain to grow.

“It's not a bad thing that she wants to protect you,” he continued. “You should let her.”

“And risk her getting hurt? She's a Muggle James, what can she do?”

“I'm not saying she should fight in the war alongside you, I'm saying she loves you and wants to be in your life and maybe you should let go and allow it to happen.”

Lily smiled sadly, looking away from James and through the window. Rain was running down the glass and the fog just permitted to see the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and the trees violently agitating their branches in the wind.

“I don't think anything can be done to salvage my relationship with my sister by now. We're too different.”

“How's that?”

“She's... the only thing she seems to be interested in is fashion, modeling and her new boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with that but we've been growing apart because she keeps comparing us in that way. Her looks to mine. She's got it in her head that I'm prettier than her and she hates me for it.”

“Well, you _are_ beautiful,” risked James.

“That's the thing! I don't want to belong in a society where women's value only reside in their beauty. That's what caused Tuney's insecurities in the first place. Hell, that's what caused mine. But I am finally done needing that kind of validation. Tell me I'm smart. Tell me I'm capable. Tell me I'm the most powerful fucking witch you've ever seen. But for the love of God quit telling me I'm beautiful.”

“Lily?”

“Yeah.”

“You're the most powerful fucking witch I've ever seen.”

“Shut up.”

“I mean it.”

There was a pause, in which Lily stared straight at James, a wordless exchange during which she tried to determine whether or not he was serious. James held his breath the entire time.

“Thank you,” she said finally, turning her head away from him so he wouldn't see the newly born tears falling down her face. “Please go now.”

He left without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nervous about this one, hope you enjoyed it!   
> it was re-reading youblitheringidiot's We Can Be Heroes that inspired me to dive a bit into Lily and Petunia's relationship so if for some reason you haven't read that wonderful fic yet, definitely go check it out!!


	27. The Master Plan

“You left??” exclaimed Sirius.

“Without a word?” exclaimed Remus.

James put down his quill with exasperation. His friends meant well but their constant disapproval of everything he ever did in regards to Lily was starting to get on his nerves

“What other choice did I have, really?”

“Let me get this straight,” said Sirius, putting aside his pile of filled ordering form and shooting a murderous glance at Remus who had scoffed at the words. “You were alone in a room with the crying girl of your dreams begging to be comforted and you just left?”

They were sitting on the ground of their room, filling out every ordering form from Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop they managed to get their hands on. Peter had once again come up with a brilliant plan to get every single Slytherin in trouble at once, by ordering the entirety of Flinch's list of prohibited objects in their names.

“She was begging for me to leave, Pads.”

“She was playing hard to get, Prongs,” replied Sirius in the same tone.

“See, no, I find that hard to believe,” said James, putting another filled out form on his growing pile. “She was asking me to leave, so I left. For the first time in maybe ever, I didn't do it because I want to get on her good side. I didn't do it because I want her to go out with me. I was trying to be a decent, respectful human being and I believe that by leaving I was.”

“Oh Moony, our little boy is growing up,” said Sirius, wiping an imaginary tear.

James mimicked hitting him over the head with his own stack of filled forms and the two boys broke down into a faked battle and uncontrollable laughter while Remus shook his head in consternation.

“Are you sure this can't be traced back to us?” he asked, motioning towards the papers. “Because you know that if it does, I had nothing to do with it, I'm a prefect remember?”

James, who had Sirius in a headlock, froze to think and answer.

“You have to ask Peter about that, I'm not the master engineer of this plan.”

“I wish he could have been here to see the beginning of it move into action,” sighed Sirius, still trapped under James' arm.

“He's in detention Sirius, he's not dead,” said Remus, rolling his eyes. He reached over to James's pile and placed it over his own, creating a ridiculously high and unstable tower of papers. “That has to be enough, I don't even know if there's that much Slytherins in the school. We'll need to check if we didn't accidentally put down the same name twice, I wouldn't put it past you two idiots.”

“Have some respect for your elders, will you,” Sirius' muffled voice came from underneath the pillow James was now holding over his face.

Remus rolled his eyes again but failed to contain his smile as Sirius was finally let free, pretending to gasp for air.

“There's other problems we need to figure out too,” Remus continued, trying his hardest to ignore Sirius's desperate attempts at getting his attention. “Once the Slytherins get the products, and once they will have been confiscated by Flinch, we have no guarantee he will store them in his office. Actually we have no guarantee he will keep them at all. With the temper he's got on him, he might want to destroy everything.”

“How?” snickered Sirius, “You know he's got to be a Squib, no one cleans anything manually for pleasure. Besides, I'd like to see him trying to get rid of the new edition of Dr Filibuster's Fabulous Flaming Facetious Fireworks. I heard those things explode when hit by any spell at all, even armless ones.”

“You ordered those? I told you those were actually dangerous, we can't have them here!”

Remus frowned at Sirius for a few seconds, but James could clearly see the corners of his mouth starting to twitch. For as long as he had known him, Remus was incapable of staying mad at Sirius, especially a Sirius smiling from ear to ear, looking extremely smug and proud of himself like it was the case now.

“Fine,” Remus sighed, his gaze firmly planted on James. “We have another problem then. Where are we going to stock all of this? And that's admitting we manage to sneak past Flinch and steal everything from under his nose. We can't use Peeve's room any more, not since Prongs here lets girls in every other day.”

James's eyebrows rose up and he pushed his glasses up his nose.

“Girl, singular. And I never let her in myself, she lets herself in. Since you two are such experts on girls you should know no one stops Lily Evans from going where she wants to go. Also it's not as if it was actually our room, she has a right to be here y'know?”

Remus and Sirius exchanged a knowing glance and James's eyebrows rose even higher upon seeing their condescending smiles.

“Calm down lover, no one here is blaming your girlfriend,” laughed Sirius, rolling from his back to his belly so he could look at James in the eyes. “Though it's really cute how prompt you are at jumping to her defence.”

“Shut up, she's not my girlfriend,” said James before quickly adding: “Yet.”

Remus and Sirius exchanged another look James could not quite decipher, but they apparently had the same idea.

“Talk to her,” they both said at the same time.

“Tell her she can't use the room for a few weeks,” continued Remus alone, “That'll give you the perfect excuse to talk to her more, figure out exactly why she's been so sad...”

“.... Comfort her and get on her good side once and for all,” completed Sirius. “Easy as can be.”

James blinked and looked at his friends who looked back at him with angel smiles.

“Oh man, check out that coincidence,” said Remus as he pulled the Marauder's map out of his back pocket. “Lily is just now coming back from the rounds in the Astronomy tower I scheduled her for.”

James' jaw almost dropped when he realized what exactly was his friends' ingenious and mischievous plan for him. Sirius had a devilish smile on his face when he took the map from his boyfriend.

“Moony my dear, how convenient would it be if Prongs went right down to the common room right now and intercepted Lily as she came in, so we could both sneak out under the cloak and through the portrait hole?”

“Why, awfully convenient Pads. I mean, someone has to help out Pete in the Owlery, right? These letters are not going to send themselves.”

Sirius and Remus turned to James in the same movement, with the same smile plastered on both their faces. James couldn't believe they had been planing such an elaborate scheme like this behind his back.

“You two are evil geniuses and I don't know whether to love or hate you right now,” he admitted.

“You can meditate on that later,” said Sirius as he glanced down to the map he was still holding. “Lily's climbing the stairs to the Gryffindor Tower, that's your cue to go.”

Although James made sure both of his friends saw he was rolling his eyes, and although he made a point of sighting dramatically as he exited the room, he still went down the stairs with a spring in his step and excitement in his chest.

Apart from a small group of third years fighting sleep by the windows, the common room was empty of students. Wood was crackling in the fireplace and hushed giggles followed James down the staircase. The subtle footsteps of his friends under the cloak reassured him a little and he took a deep breath in to slow his precipitated heartbeat.

He knew deep down he had nothing to be anxious about, but it didn't stop his palms from being sweaty and it did nothing for the pit in his stomach growing heavier and heavier each second. It was one thing to stumble upon Lily unexpectedly or to rush behind her on a whim, but it was another thing to have the time to nervously anticipate the conversation.

He was so focused on planning ahead what he would say, he almost bumped into her as she came out of the portrait hole.

“Oh sorry,” he blurred out, thankfully rapidly enough to cover his friends' giggles two steps behind him. “Didn't see you.”

“No problem,” said Lily politely before bypassing him and heading towards the stairs leading to the girls dorm.

James suddenly felt a sharp pain in his left calf and threw an outraged look over his shoulder to where he knew Sirius was standing. Although he could not see him, he could almost _feel_ his best friend's mocking smile.

“Go talk to her,” whispered Remus from underneath the cloak.

With a quiet thump, the portrait hole closed and just like that they were gone. The sound brought James back to what he was supposed to be doing so he spun around towards Lily who was already climbing the stairs.

“Oy Evans, wait up!” he called across the room, and she stopped and looked above her shoulder with curiosity. One or two of the students who were still hanging out in the common room had raised their heads and were turned to them, so James took the wise executive decision to get closer to Lily to carry on with the rest of the conversation.

“Sorry, this'll just take a minute.”

“What's going on James?” said Lily, smiling softly. She took a few steps down the stairs to come toward him but stopped on the second step, so she was now just slightly taller than him. James had to admit it felt a bit intimidating and he couldn't help but wonder if she always felt as small as he was feeling now.

“Details are not important as I'm sure you'll understand but I've been tasked to very respectfully suggest that you stay clear of Peeve's room for a couple of days starting from this week,” he said very fast, without catching his breath.

Lily absent-mindedly passed a hand through her long red hair, and pretended to look intrigued.

“When you said details are not important, you actually mean that I, as a prefect, should certainly not be aware of the details of whatever's about to go down in that room, right?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that.”

“God, I knew you were going to say that,” sighed Lily. She looked annoyed but there was also a certain lightness in her voice and in the way she was carrying herself. For some reason, she didn't look half as intimidating as she usually did to James.

Perhaps it was the fireplace, casting a beautiful glowing light on her pale skin, or perhaps it was the night, deep and dark in the windows behind her, enveloping her like a blanket, softening her traits, her voice, her smile. Her smile.

“You do have to tell me though...” she started and her eyes twinkled with malice.

“Yes?”

“Does Remus know about it? I want to think he doesn't and that he would come to me if he did, but I know how loyal he is to you and Black.”

Surprised, James rose an eyebrow. He hadn't expected this question at all and had already run out of his stock of smart answers he had prepared.

“Remus, who's Remus? I don't know him,” he replied really fast, trying to hide the panic in his voice. “Never heard of him, sorry.”

Lily laughed wholeheartedly and James joined her when he realized just how ridiculous he was acting. Unmistakably, that girl had a way of messing with his brain. It was a very subtle kind of magic, much more intricate than the kind taught at Hogwarts. It was a magic that poisoned his blood, his dreams, his every thought.

Implicitly declaring the conversation over, Lily climbed a couple of steps before turning back.

“James?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't get caught.”

She winked at him before disappearing up the stairs, leaving James alone with his sweaty palms and irregular heartbeat. Entangled in her beautiful, beautiful magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there was no chapter last sunday! things have been hectic at school and chapter 28 took a lot of my time as well!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you think!


	28. Fireworks

That morning, as soon as James pulled the curtains from his bed, he was imitated by three dishevelled faces bearing smiles just as wide as his own. Their excitement was barely containable, despite the pillow marks still drawing lines on each of their cheeks.

They all got ready so rapidly Remus had to hold them up in the dorm room a little longer, arguing that arriving so early at breakfast was not their habit, and therefore would be suspicious to anyone knowing them.

Although it was hard to stop Sirius from jumping around the room, they passed the time by playing Exploding Snap. Peter glanced nervously at his watch every five seconds, while Remus and James exchanged worried looks throughout the entire game. Sirius seemed to be the only one with no fear of complications, and he was so filled with pure, genuine excitement, the others kept their concerns to themselves.

After James' third consecutive loss, Remus finally declared it was time for them to go down. They arrived in the Great Hall barely five minutes before the owl post distribution's usual time, and despite having loaded each of their plates with as much food as they could, none of them ate anything. Not even Peter, too busy nervously twisting his hands under the table.

James felt incredibly anxious too, incapable to tear his gaze away from the large open windows the owls were supposed to fly through any minute now.

“Don't stare this way,” whispered Remus as he nudged him with his elbow. “The last thing we want to do is drawn attention to ourselves right now.”

“Right,” laughed Sirius wholeheartedly. “Prongs trying to not bring attention to himself is precisely the thing that's going to make heads turn.”

James kicked his friend under the table but didn't manage to stop him from laughing at his own joke.

“Aren't they a little late?” asked Peter in a low voice. “They're supposed to be here already.”

“Owls don't have watches Wormy,” said Remus. Despite his reassuring tone, the shadow of a frown was forming on his forehead. “I'm sure they will be there really soon.”

Right on cue, a single owl flew through one of the windows at the far end of the Hall and landed directly on the Ravenclaw table. Intrigued there was no other owls accompanying it, a few people looked up, searching for the others.

“Any time now,” whispered Sirius.

And suddenly, the hall was filled with birds. Hundreds of owls, carrying packages sometimes bigger than themselves, having to be helped by others. The loud chatter of conversations was quickly hushed by the sounds of wings flapping in the air as the owls made their descent to the Slytherin table.

A lot of first and second years started to duck down under the table to avoid this mass arrival of birds, knocking down goblets and landing into plates full of food. Some of the more exhausted owls sometimes dropped their packages before even reaching the table, creating a state of panic in all of the students who tried their best to protect their heads with books, school bags and everything they could get their hands on.

At the far end of the Slytherin table, Snape was holding his own plate over his head, trying to chase the five birds pecking away at his pumpkin juice. James' eyes met Sirius' and they exchanged a look of pure glee. Chaos had never been more comforting.

By that time, the Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables had realized that none of the birds even got close to them and were just enjoying the absolute havoc taking place at the Slytherin table.

One by one, the owls spread their wings again and flew out the windows, not without causing a few of the younger students to scream again. After the last bird had disappeared through the giant window, the Great Hall quieted down to a state of absolute silence.

All eyes were turned to the Slytherin table. The Slytherins themselves were looking down at the hundreds of different packages that covered the table.

After a few seconds, a curious looking fourth year student made a brave move and reached toward a package in front of her James knew had her name on it. Her determination inspired his friends around her and soon enough the entire table was ripping the packages off their presents fallen from the sky.

Taken by surprise, a second year dropped the box he had just received and Sirius's smile went from joyful to devilish. What followed in the next few seconds James could have predicted.

Upon impact with the ground, Dr Filibuster's Fabulous Flaming Facetious Fireworks set off. A ball of fire shot out to the ceiling of the Great Hall and exploded into hundred more as terrified students dived to seek shelter under their respective tables.

James imitated his classmates and crawled under the bench, incapable to hide his own smile. Lily was only a couple of feet from him, on all fours under the less crowded Ravenclaw table. James' eyes were lingering on the strand of her hair that fell in front of her face when their eyes met.

Time was like suspended as she looked back at him and seemed to immediately understand the cause of all this chaos. James' smile disappeared, suddenly replaced by the fear she would go to an adult and tell them what she knew. He lifted his palm from the ground to place a finger in front of his lips, motioning to her to not say a thing.

For a small, devastating second, his heart sank when he realized she wouldn't listen, but then she turned away from him, rolling her eyes with the shadow of a smile on her lips. Perhaps there was hope after all.

The silent exchange being ended, the overwhelming sounds of panic came rushing back to James' ears. Whether it was the noise or the agitation that triggered the hypersensitive fireworks, he never knew, but as he propped himself up to glance over the tables, all he saw on the other side of the room was smoke, and all he heard, a second later, was the sound of about twenty more fireworks setting off at once.

The ceiling illuminated in dancing balls of fire of every colour, every shape and size. Knowing how dangerous they could be didn't stop James from being in awe in front of their beauty, and of the way their flames twisted and curled around each other in a beautiful flying parade.

Admiring the spectacle still safely hidden under the Ravenclaw table, Lily was covering her smile with her hand but her eyes said it all. A particularly bright explosion above their heads reflected its light on her face. James realized the fireworks were far from being the most beautiful thing in the room.

It took a few long minutes for the professors to control and completely eliminate the chaos unravelling in the air. McGonagall was running around the room, throwing counter curses left and right, while minuscule Flitwick was literally standing on top of the Hufflepuff table to get better aim for his protective charms.

Students slowly started to crawl out of under the tables and benches as the detonations became rarer. After the last blast, giggles died out. McGonagall's face was red with fury and if looks could kill, none of the students would have been able to breathe. The silence was almost deafening in the Great Hall now, although the last blast still resonated in their ears.

Taking the cue from the deputy headmistress' body language, stern and austere, the students took their place back on the benches.

In front of James, Sirius was glowing, smiling from ear to ear. Next to his gloating boyfriend, Remus was more discreet, and demonstrated an acute interest in McGonagall's speech James didn't bother listening to. Peter looked smaller that ever, crumpled up in his seat, but there was a distinct light of pride shining in his eyes his friends couldn't miss.

Behind a furious looking McGonagall, Dumbledore was politely nodding at every word she spoke, although seemingly incapable of containing his hilarity.

Everywhere James looked, plates full of food were covered in a thin veil of ashes and pumpkin juice goblets had spilled over the tablecloths, creating a mess that even magic would take a while to clean.

Classes were cancelled for the rest of the day and students confined in their respective common rooms while the teachers and prefects stayed in the Great Hall, cleaning up and working on catching whoever was behind the whole prank.

“I heard every single Slytherin was facing a month detention,” whispered Mary McDonald to Marlene crossed legged on the rug by the fire.

Alerted by his dog like senses, Sirius leaning forward in the sofa he was sharing with Peter.

“Wait, really?”

Mary giggled and tucked a piece of a hair behind her ear, obviously delighted to have gotten his attention. Marlene rolled her eyes and not so discreetly kicked her friend in the chin.

“It's just a rumour, Black. Don't get all worked up about it.”

Suddenly concerned, James imitated Sirius and leaned forward in his own armchair.

“What do you mean a rumour, who have you heard this from?” he asked to Mary, trying to hide the tension in his voice.

For the past hour he had been going through in his head everything that happened, certain that Lily would turn him in, as she had appeared to definitely know he had a part of responsibility in all of the chaos. If he was honest with himself, he didn't expect her not to, and maybe a part of him wanted her to.

He _was_ responsible after all, and those fireworks were indeed dangerous, even though none of the Marauders had planned for them to all fire off at once during breakfast. He did deserve to be punished for not having been careful enough. Someone could have gotten hurt.

“I heard McGonagall talk about it with Finch when she brought all of us back here. Slughorn is with the Slytherins now, trying to get a confession, but if none of them comes forward they'll all be punished apparently.”

Sirius sat back on the sofa, exuding confidence and incapable to downplay his happiness.

“This is the best day of my life,” he smiled widely. “I wish Moony was here to hear this.”

“He's down in the Great Hall, helping out and you should be down there too.”

The voice had come from behind them and the little group turned to see who had spoken.

Lily had approached them quietly and was standing behind the sofa, arms crossed in front of her chest.

“James?” she said authoritatively. “A word?”

Mary and Marlene burst into giggles as James got up from his seat as fast as if he had been sitting on a hot fire. He followed Lily to a quieter side of the common room, trying to tune out the fact that his friends were now gossiping with Lily's friends about them two.

“How'd you get out of there? I thought all prefects were down in the Hall to clean up.”

“Sneaked out. I'm not at Hogwarts to pick up your mess.”

“Wait, isn't this the part where I tell you I had nothing to do with it?” risked James, although he knew perfectly well Lily wouldn't want to put up with his sad attempts at disguising the truth.

She flicked her hair to the side and ignored his question, preferring to cross her arms across her chest to show her discontentment.

“Every single Slytherin is in trouble.”

James's smile dropped as he tried to come up with an appropriate response, the one Lily was excepting and waiting for him to give. Her eyes were like penetrating his soul and it became increasingly harder to concentrate and gather his thoughts, so he went with his first instinct.

“You're about to turn me in,” he said reluctantly.

“No!” protested Lily immediately, a very offended look on her face. “Who the hell do you take me for?”

“Hum, I don't know, some kind of prefect maybe?”

“Not all prefects are saints, James. You of all people should know that,” she said, very visibly trying to hold off a smile.

She was obviously talking about Remus, which left James to wonder for a second about how much exactly she knew about their prank. Or pranks in general. Lily was extremely smart and observant, and unlike almost everyone believing Remus to be innocent of most of the pranks orchestrated by the Marauders, she wasn't fooled by his apparent collected attitude.

“I won't turn you in,” she continued, quieter this time. “I won't turn Remus in either. But there's about seventy students that are about to be punished for something that you did, and I won't stand for that either. I've got to believe that you will do the right thing and turn yourself in.”

“Lily I can't do that!” James whispered back vehemently. “McGonagall would rip me apart!”

“And that would be well deserved!” answered Lily in the same tone. “Your actions have consequences and it's about time you face them!”

They were fully arguing now, in hushed whispers to avoid drawing even more attention to them that there already was. And James had to admit Lily was right. He just had a hard time bringing himself to formulating it out loud. Words are much scarier when shared.

“Fine!” he finally blurred out after Lily had given him another one of her signature disappointed looks. “Fine, fine, I'll go McGonagall.”

“Good.”

“But after she inevitably kills me you have to promise me to write a letter to my parents and explain to them that you forced me to confess.”

“I promise you I'll even come to the funeral.”

“That would be very kind of you.”

Lily smiled reassuringly and James ruffled up his hair. He wasn't sure whether he should get back to his friends by the fireplace or go to McGonagall straight away, but he knew Lily expected him to go as soon as possible, and that was now.

“Do you want me to walk with you?” she asked quietly.

“Yes!” he replied, way too fast and with way too much enthusiasm but he didn't care. “Please.”

Sirius and Peter whistled at them while they slid down the portrait hole together, and both Marlene and Mary were giggling exaggeratively loud.

They walked to the deputy headmistress' office in silence, James racking his brain to remember every defensive spell he knew, if it ever came to that. He stood in front of the closed door a few seconds and took a deep breath before knocking. The door magically opened in front of him and the last thing James saw before entering the small room was Lily's smile of encouragement.

If McGonagall was surprised to see him come in, she didn't show it. She motioned him to sit down at the large desk in front of her, and remained silent for the time it took her to finish cleaning up the papers scattered on her desk.

“What is it you want to tell me, Potter?” she finally asked as she waved her wand and started a new stack of documents.

As hypnotized, James watched the papers fly and perfectly align with the corner of her desk, and it took him a moment to realize he was just sitting here with his mouth wide open. McGonagall had leaned forward on her desk and was watching him attentively.

“Perhaps you are here to confess something?” she continued. “A firework related prank maybe?”

“Maybe?” risked James with a wince. Confessing suddenly seemed like a terrible idea now that he was seconds away from doing it. He would have given anything to be anywhere but here, and couldn't comprehend how Lily how managed to talk him into doing it.

“Maybe or surely?” McGonagall insisted.

“More surely than maybe,” said James before sighing and deciding to get it over with quickly. “It was me. I did it, I ordered the fireworks in the name of all the Slytherins.”

McGonagall took a deep inhale and straightened up in her uncomfortable looking wooden chair. James' back became very stiff and he tried to stay as immobile as possible, in the delusional hope to blend in with his surrounding like one of those non-magical chameleons Remus had told him about once.

“I see,” she said after a long minute of uninterrupted silence. “Well, this certainly comforts me in my decision to name someone else as captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. It's clear you lack judgement and other fundamental qualities.”

James lowered his head. She was right.

“Fifty points from Gryffindor. Or was someone else involved? Was it a conjoint effort with your friends? I dare to hope Mr. Lupin was not involved. Having a student in my house, under my responsibility, showcasing so much disregard for the school rules and disrespect for the administration and fellow classmates is enough. If a Gryffindor prefect is involved I think I would lose all dignity in front of my colleagues.”

Her tone was sharp and piercing but she wasn't yelling and had not started hexing him, so it was somewhat better than what James had anticipated. But still, hearing how disappointed in him she was, was far from being pleasant. James stayed quiet and stared at his feet. He felt like a little boy again, scolded by his parents after breaking the cookie jar.

“It was just me,” he answered. “No one else. I wanted to surprise my friends with all the fireworks, none of them knew anything about it.”

McGonagall stared at all with such intensity James felt like she was reading right through his blatant lie. He held his breath until her response.

“However serious this incident was, know that I appreciate you coming forward and not letting an entire innocent house take the fall for your mistake. It certainly takes a special kind of courage to confess.”

The tension James had accumulated in his shoulders seemed to fade away a little upon hearing those words. He had been right to trust Lily after all, despite his fear.

“Still, coming forward does not make up for the damages that have been done, and as I am sure you expected, you will be sanctioned severely.”

“Completely fair, I understand,” James nodded.

“Now. You will serve detention every Saturday night for the rest of the year. I think this will be enough time for you to think about the consequences of your actions the next time you plan to do something of that nature.”

James bit his lip. Detention for the rest of the year? Sure, he had this coming, but this sanction felt pretty harsh.

“Hm, Professor? While I gladly accept my punishment, I have Quidditch practice every Saturday night. Also every Monday and Wednesday.”

“Oh,” said McGonagall, pinching her lips. “Well, I am delighted to know Ms. McKinnon takes her role as a captain very seriously and keeps such a tight schedule. I do want Gryffindor to win the trophy this year, and your participation in the team effort is essential. We'll have to find another day for your detention Potter.”

“How about Thursday? I usually have a bit of time before dinner.”

“Thursday won't work for me,” answered McGonagall, shaking her head. “I host the mandatory staff meeting every week. Tuesday will not work either, as I teach a remedial class in Transfiguration.”

They both fell silent, trying to think about an appropriate time for James's detention.

“I doubt we'll be able to find a day to suit us both, Mr. Potter, it seems both of our schedules are extremely busy.”

James raised both eyebrows and crossed his fingers behind his back. Could he really hope to walk from this office without a punishment, for a simple issue of overlapping calendars?

“Although I guess I could always delegate the task of monitoring your detention to someone else,” McGonagall said finally, and James uncrossed his fingers. Of course he wouldn't get away with it that easily. “A prefect for example could watch you.”

“Oh, yes!” said James, for the second time this morning a little too fast and a little too enthusiastically. “That would be perfect actually, Remus is also free on most Tuesday nights.”

McGonagall pushed her glasses up her nose and smiled at him gently.

“Not with Mr. Lupin I'm afraid. Spending this time with your good friend wouldn't be enough of a punishment I feel. No, I think the more logical choice would be for Ms. Evans to monitor you. I heard you two do not necessarily get along, and that's why I trust Ms. Evans to be firm with you when she needs to be.”

James nodded his approval distractedly, thinking about how easy it was for Lily to get him to do something he would rather not do. It was the logical choice. But somehow it also felt like destiny.

As James stepped out of the deputy headmistress's office, it was a very distinctive feeling he felt growing inside his chest.

Fireworks.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little longer than usual but i hope you liked it! let me know what you think!!


	29. Detention

James rushed up the stairs to the fourth floor. He was late for detention. It was his first of the year, which was miraculous considering it was October, and he wanted to make a good impression. Especially since it was Lily who would be watching him.

He still had no idea what she would make him do, but that wasn't what he was apprehensive about. He had already done it all in the past years: lines, cleaning duty in the dungeons, cleaning duty in the second floor toilets, giving remedial classes to confused first years, dusting all the portraits in the castle, more lines and more cleaning duties.

He only dared to hope Lily wasn't creative enough to come up with something he hadn't yet been forced to do. Dealing with his sweaty palms and whatever spell she had him under would be enough work for one night. Well, one night of each week until the end of the year.

He arrived in front of the Transfiguration classroom panting, and had to take a moment to catch his breath. It had been a while since he had been in detention with someone else than a teacher and he wasn't sure if he was supposed to knock or just go in.

He settled on coming in without a warning and pushed the door which opened with a creak. Lily was sitting crossed-legged on the chair at the teacher's desk, bent over what looked like homework. Her hair was up into a messy bun and wavy strands brushed against her freckles cheeks and warm smile.

“Welcome to my honorary office!” she said, opening welcoming arms. “Glad you could join me here, I've been waiting for ten minutes and it's not as if I had anything better to do on Thursday nights than monitor detentions.”

James bowed.

“Glad I can help make this evening more interesting for you.”

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. James' smile didn't disappear.

“Just... just sit down,” she motioned. She looked a little tired and there were dark circles under her eyes. “Wherever, I don't care.”

James chose the table closest to Lily's desk and, for the first time in his life, found himself in the first row of a classroom. He was usually all the way at the back of the room, rocking on his chair and making notes fly to his friends.

“What am I doing?” he asked as he sat down.

Lily smiled, in a more sincere way this time, and motioned to a stack of envelopes and parchment.

“Get out your quill and ink. And prepare to write. A lot.”

“Lines?” said James incredulously. “And here I thought you and Minerva had more imagination.”

“Oh, it's not lines,” Lily answered, and somehow her smile shifted from sincere to mischievous. It was a very subtle shift and perhaps someone other than him wouldn't have noticed, but James had spent countless hours dreaming of that smile and he could read it better than anyone.

Which means he was very scared about what was to come.

“It's much better than lines actually,” Lily continued. “You are writing apology letters for what happened in the Great Hall, one for each person who was there. And they all have to be personal, so you can't use banalities, I will be checking for each one.”

James felt his blood freeze in his veins and for once it wasn't due to Lily's penetrating eyes. It was what she said.

“I'm not doing that,” he said immediately.

“Oh,” Lily raised her eyebrows and put down her quill. “See, I was under the impression that you had to do everything I said. Given you're in detention and I'm monitoring you. You know.”

James bit down on his bottom lip. Apology letters? To the entire school? This had to be some sort of prank. Now he was just waiting for Sirius and Peter to jump from behind the door and laugh with him about how insane this whole thing was. Any time now.

“And you're starting with the Slytherins,” said Lily calmly, returning to her potion textbook. “You were ready to let them take the fall after all, they're the ones you need to apologize to the most.”

That was the moment James realized it wasn't a practical joke after all. Lily was serious. He got up from his chair and threw his quill back in his book-bag.

“No, I won't do it, I don't care,” he said as he walked away. “Even if technically I have to answer to you every Thursday night, I still have the littlest bit of pride you know, and I intend to keep it.”

“Oh for the love of God, don't make this about pride!” Lily had stood up too and was standing firmly at the desk, her hands clenched into fists on the dark wood. “Because this is about sincerity. And the two don't blend well together when it comes to you.”

“Was that a barely disguised insult?”

“Why, yes, I believe it was.”

James walked back to his table, ready to write and prove her wrong. He grabbed his quill angrily and spilled ink all over the desk with his rough movement. Despite being furious at her, he was still thankful that Lily had enough tact to pretend she didn't notice.

“And you're starting with Severus,” she said once he was done sponging all the ink with the sleeves of his black robes.

James straightened up and looked directly at her. Her eyes were serious but the corners of her mouth were lifting just slightly. She was having too much fun.

“I'm not doing that. Anything but that.”

“Oh really? So, are you going to notify McGonagall you are refusing to obey me, or should I do it myself?”

“You won't go to McGonagall,” said James, remembering how reticent Lily was to turning him in on the day of the fireworks. “You're too ethical.”

“Too ethical?” Lily repeated, a blush slowly appearing on her cheeks. “Is that what you really think of me?”

James chose not to say anything back and just rock his chair back, crossing his arms against his chest.

“You think that because I'm a prefect I'm a goody-two-shoes abiding to a strict code of moral conduct? Really? Because you know, instead of going to McGonagall, I may just as well complain to my dorm mate and really good friend Marlene tonight. You know, the captain of the Quidditch team you're on? Then she might or might not make an important decision about your place on that same team.”

“You wouldn't do that,” said James, although he knew she would.

“Fucking try me.”

James took a deep breath and started the letter while Lily got back to her homework, and for a while the silence reigning in the room was only disturbed by the grating of quills on parchment.

“Listen,” said Lily after a few very long and very silent minutes, “The fact that this is bothering you so much just shows how much you need this.”

“This?” replied James, who had just been waiting for another opportunity to manifest his discontent. “You mean humiliate myself?”

“I mean being the bigger person. Putting your ego aside for a second, acting like a reasonable adult.”

“I'm not an adult though, am I?” he replied coolly. He was still angry but knew fairly well that manifesting said anger wouldn't help him in this situation. “I'm a teenager and I make mistakes like everyone does when they're young. I have the rest of my life to act like an adult, why should I start now?”

“It's an _apology_ , James, it's not making you weaker if that's what you're worried about!”

“Well it's not making me much stronger now, is it?”

Lily stared down at her hands she was clasping together. She looked beautiful, noted James before remembering it truly didn't matter.

“Actually, I believe it _is_ making you stronger.”

“How?”

The question was just a whisper. Lily could have easily ignored it. She didn't.

“By admitting you did something wrong. And you just have. The James I knew in first year would never have admitted fault so easily. It means you're growing up, even if you're desperately trying to prevent it.”

Finally tearing her gaze away from her white knuckles, she smiled and looked up at him with wet eyes and he realized this probably meant more to her than she was letting on.

“Because we can't be teenagers forever,” she continued, blinking to chase her tears. “There's a war going on, James. You know it just as well as I do. We have to grow up, whether we want it or not, and it means making sacrifices, doing things you'd never thought you'd do. It means adopting a new mindset and a new perspective on life and on the world. Yes, we're too young and no, it isn't fair. But it doesn't change the fact that becoming adults is necessary for us right now.”

Lost for words, James nodded. Once again, Lily was right. Undeniably, painfully right. He picked up his quill and continued writing, laying on paper words he never thought he would.

It was hard, and he struggled at every word. He was not used to this. And considering the time it took him to write a simple line, perhaps he never would be. But he was determined to show Lily he understood what she was saying, so he kept going.

It took him about an hour of intense concentration to write ten lines that didn't feel overly insincere.

“What should I do with this?” he asked, breaking the heavy silence and pushing the letter on his table.

“Just give it to me,” replied Lily. “I'm supposed to read over everything before you leave.”

James approached the desk, and as he handed the parchment over to Lily, he realized that what he had mistaken for homework since the beginning of the night was actually a letter, which, according to the first few words he accidental read, was destined to her sister.

He looked up precipitately and Lily smiled at the panicked look on his face.

“Sorry I didn't mean to snoop!” he explained immediately. “I thought this was homework!”

“It's fine, you can look,” Lily laughed. “It's not as if you weren't already aware of everything going on with Petunia and me anyway.”

“Are things better?” James asked, looking attentively at Lily. They were separated by the desk but they were still too close for James' comfort. “With your sister, I mean.”

“No,” answered Lily and James pretended he didn't hear her voice break when pronouncing the word. “I think I just have to accept that my relationship with my sister will never be perfect.”

“Perfect is a fantasy,” they both sighed at the same time.

Lily laughed and James smiled. No matter how different they were, in their energies, in their goals, in their lives, they were similar at their core. The one thing that mattered most. And perhaps, there was the tiniest of possibility they understood each other.

After hearing Lily's beautiful and genuine laugh at the fact that they had said exactly the same thing, James' heart was so full he felt like it could burst at any moment.

“Go,” said Lily finally. “Meet your friends, I have to finish up with my letter.”

“You're not going to check mine?” asked James, pointing at the parchment Lily was holding.

She looked at it for a split second before setting it aside.

“No. I trust you.”

 

 

_I trust you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was such a short chapter, there are longer ones coming! I hope you liked it, let me know what you think!


	30. Trust

The week following his first detention rapidly became insufferable for James. Word had gotten out that he was the responsible for the Great Firework Incident and the Slytherins now saw him as target to take down as well as a blood traitor. To make matter even more complicated, the rests of the houses now idolized James, and if he didn't mind the countless notes of admiration nor the occasional applause, the large groups of first and second year girls following him around everywhere, giggling every time he so much as looked at them, was getting embarrassing.

“Kill me now,” he whispered as he sat down next to his friends he had just joined in the library.

A few girls had followed him from the hallway and had gathered in between bookshelves, talking in loud whispers and watching the Marauders over the books.

“What did I ever do to deserve this?” James complained for the hundredth time this week.

“Only what the entire school wanted to do to the Slytherins for a long time now,” answered Remus, not bothering to look up from his book. “Or admitted responsibility to it at least. Slytherins have been particularly obnoxious this past month and you gave them a correction in front of everyone. It's a big deal. You're the school's hero.”

“But we did that together,” whispered James vehemently.

“Which nobody knows,” interrupted Peter.

His face didn't bear the usual smile he reserved for James, which alarmed the latter immediately.

“I mean... not officially but people _have_ to know we did it together, right? We do everything together!”

“It's not just that Prongs,” sighed Remus, finally closing his book to turn to James. “You've also, well... changed a lot over the summer.”

“What do you mean?”

Sirius, who had not seem to have paid attention to the conversation at all, suddenly got up and walked away, leaving his own book open on the table. James turned and stared at him as he walked out, incapable to decipher his expression.

When he turned back to Remus and Peter, extremely confused, Remus' cheeks were a light pink and Peter had buried his head in his book. They both seemed so uncomfortable they couldn't bring themselves to look at James in the eyes.

“Guys?” he said, now slightly afraid. “What's going on?”

“This is the worst conversation I've ever had to have,” said Remus, shaking his head slowly.

“Yeah, you're on your own,” replied Peter immediately. “I can't stay here for this.”

He got up, packed his bag and left as quickly as Sirius had. Remus was twirling one of his blond curls around his finger, like he always did when he was nervous, and James ruffled up his hair because he didn't know what else to do.

What was he about to learn? What was so bad even his two best friends couldn't stay by his side? James' mind was racing as he went over the events of the past week, trying to remember everything that had happened. Whatever it was he had done, it was clearly threatening his relationship with his friends. He had noticed Sirius being more distant this week, but he had accounted it on the stress he was under dealing with the insufferable Black family. He had never thought it might be his fault.

“Moony, what the hell is going on?” James said, a little louder than he should in a library, which triggered a few giggles from the girls behind him. “What do you mean I've changed?”

“Nothing worth worrying about,” Remus sighed. The redness hadn't left his cheeks. “You're just taller. And your shoulders are more square. So girls are more likely to notice you now. Especially since you've just done to the Slytherins what everyone has been dreaming of doing for years.”

James stood a little straighter and stuck out his chest almost unconsciously. Was that what was causing Remus to blush so hard? And why Peter and Sirius had deemed necessary to leave the room?

“Moony...” he started, trying to get Remus to look at him directly. “This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.”

“Well, I'm glad you think it is. I hate everything about this conversation.”

They both laughed uncomfortably and James pulled out his new potion manual from his bag before realizing he wouldn't be able to concentrate and closing it.

“Pads looked mad, didn't he?” he leaned on the table and whispered to his friend.

Remus showed no sign he had heard him and just kept on reading as the blush on his cheeks extended to his neck. James insisted.

“Is he? Mad?”

“No. He's just being dumb, now leave me alone.”

“Never. Why is he being dumb?”

“Because,” sighed Remus as he closed his own book resolutely. “He's jealous. He thinks that because... well, because now you have more.. muscles, well, he thinks I'm attracted to you!”

That last part was barely audible and James would have missed it had he not been able to read lips.

“Which, for the record, I am not! Not at all!” continued Remus much louder this time.

“Not even a little bit?” asked James, pretending to be offended.

“Shut up. This is too weird and I'm not talking to you about this any more.”

James smiled. He had never seen his friend blush this much before and he had to admit that however awkward that conversation might have been, his self-confidence had now sky rocketed. Of course he knew the years of Quidditch training were bound to pay off and manifest in his appearance, but it was nice to know other people were seeing it too.

He wondered if Lily had noticed. Then quickly put her out of his mind. There were more urgent matters, Sirius was probably sulking in a remote part of the castle and James felt it was his duty to talk to him.

“I'm off,” he declared, putting his book back his in bag as if he had been in the library for more than five minutes. “Catch up with you at dinner.”

“Wait!” whispered Remus urgently, stopping James dead in his tracks. “Don't tell Pads I said what I said. Please? Or I will never live it down.”

“Dear ol' Moony, I've never been one to keep secrets from my brother, have I?”

And with that, he left Remus to his unfinished homework and blushing cheeks.

Thankfully he still had the map on him from the evening before, when he made a pit stop to the kitchens on his way back from Quidditch practice and needed to know the coast was clear. It didn't take long for him to find Sirius on the map, his dot remaining still by the lake. He was alone, and James wondered for a second about Peter's whereabouts before spotting his and Mary McDonald's dots in a second floor closet.

“Good for you, Wormy,” James whispered to himself, smiling. If he really thought about it, it shouldn't have come as a surprise. Peter had brought up Mary's name a few times this week.

But how could he have not noticed? James shook his head slowly, disappointed in himself. He had been so distracted lately, running around from classes to Quidditch practice to detentions, he hadn't even realized that Peter had a girlfriend and that Sirius was sulking.

Promising himself he would make it up to his friends, he shivered in anticipation of the cold waiting for him outside and headed down a flight of stairs taking him to the castle grounds.

“Hey James, wait up!”

The girl's voice made him turn. Marlene was running down the stairs behind him, and for a second James was surprised to see her alone, as she typically never went anywhere without her best friend Mary. Then he remembered about Peter and the second floor closet and smiled.

“I was hoping to catch you! Where are you headed?”

“Hum, down by the lake, Sirius is waiting for me actually.”

“No wait, this is important!” said Marlene impatiently, flicking her wavy blonde hair to the side. “I just meant to tell you the first game this season won't be against Slytherin after all.”

“What?” James stopped dead in his tracks, Sirius and his sulking momentarily forgotten. “Why?”

“I guess McGonagall decided tensions were running too high between our two houses for now,” sighed Marlene. “So we're playing against Ravenclaw, which means we have a week to completely revise our strategy, because the Ravenclaws have a tendency to play sneaky and we need to be prepared for them.”

“No, they can't just change the line up at the last second, that's ridiculous!”

“Well, that's what I said!”

They both suddenly fell silent, face to face and united in their outrage. James ruffled up his hair and Marlene bit her lip. Somehow they were united in their nervous ticks too.

“I'm going to McGonagall,” he said, finally tearing his gaze away from Marlene's worried face. “To make her change her mind. We stand no chance against Ravenclaw so early in the year, that's insane!”

He turned around, determined to give his head of house a piece of his mind, as respectfully as humanly possible, but Marlene grabbed his arm and held him back.

“It's useless. I've tried, believe me I was in her office for thirty minutes, arguing and negotiating but she won't hear any of it.”

“So what do we do?”

He felt defeated. He had to get to Sirius and reassure him about everything, somehow convince Peter to talk to him about this new girlfriend of his, try to find a way to not feel awkward around Remus after the conversation they'd just have, and on top of it all, fix the worst of all Quidditch emergencies. The build-up of everything he had accumulated in the past hour came crashing down and he felt the anxiety rush inside his chest.

“Hey don't worry about it!” Marlene's firm grip on his arm turned into a gentle squeeze. She had probably read the concern on his face and he tried to not let that bother him. “We'll figure it out. Make a new plan. Force the team to work twice as hard. Even go all Alice on them and hex them if we have to!”

James laughed and the anxiety faded a little bit. It felt good to know someone else missed Alice as much as he did.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Want to go over a new strategy with me later?” she said, her hand still on his arm. “Hogsmeade's trip is this weekend, and since Mary is going with Peter I'll be all by myself. So if you want to grab a Butterbeer with me at The Three Broomsticks you would save my Saturday. And our chances of winning that next game.”

“Yeah absolutely!”

Marlene's face lit up and she gave one last reassuring squeeze at his arm before letting him go.

“Great! See you there then!”

“See you!”

James couldn't help but stare as she walked away. He had never noticed how beautiful and genuine her smile was. Nor how her long hair bounced behind her at each step, just like Lily's.

Snapping out of it, he headed back to the castle grounds. He couldn't bear the thought of Sirius being mad at him for one more second. They hadn't talked at all this week, he realized, and the feeling that he had let his friend down deepened, insidious and brutal like a punch to the gut.

He hurried on his way down to the lake. He missed Sirius. That was the root of everything. Sirius was his pillar, his best friend. This past week he had been insanely busy, trying to act like the adult he was supposedly turning into and juggling responsibilities in a way that hurt him and the people around. Even the most important thing to him.

He spotted Sirius in an instant. The sun was setting in front of him, highlighting his lean silhouette and casting a golden light on everything around him.

“Alright there mate?” James asked in a croaked voice once within earshot.

Sirius didn't turn around or even made the slightest movement, even as James sat down close to him. They sat in silence for a while before James took upon himself to start the conversation.

“Moony told me why you were mad.”

Sirius gave no sign he was listening but somehow James found that encouraging.

“And he said you have nothing to worry about. He's not attracted to me at all, he made that pretty clear.”

“What?” Sirius's head turned so quickly James feared he might have pinched a nerve in his neck. “What the hell are you talking about?”

He looked so genuinely confused James suddenly questioned everything Remus had told him. Apparently having his relationship being threatened by James was not remotely on Sirius's radar.

“Well, Moony told me you were jealous because you thought he liked me!”

Sirius burst into an uncontrollable laughter and took a while to calm down, while James waited patiently besides him.

“No, no, no, that's hilarious but no, you're not his type, of course I never thought that.”

“I don't know why that would be so hard to believe but okay,” mumbled James, slightly offended.

“Well, that's not why I'm angry, Prongs.”

“Why _are_ you angry then?”

Sirius turned back to the lake and his face bathed in the golden light cast by the sun. He looked more sad than angry, truly.

“You went being my back. Took all the credit for yourself for the fireworks. We did that together, and the fireworks were my idea but for some reason you wanted everyone to think it was all you. And I just don't understand why.”

He frowned and James lowered his gaze. Not in a million years could he have imagined that it had bothered Sirius. But yet again, he had not paid attention to anything this week.

“I thought...” he started to explain. “Well, I thought that if word got out that you planned an attack on the Slytherins, Regulus would tell your parents. And I thought it was better to avoid another Howler from Mrs. Black bursting in the Great Hall like last month, or in the common room like last year.”

“Yeah, I could spare the embarrassment,” sighed Sirius, the shadow of a smile twisting the corners of his lips.

“That's what I thought. I didn't see it as taking credit for your ideas, it didn't even occur to me! You're my brother. Everything I have is yours. And I don't want to have the spotlight if it means I can't share it with you. I'm miserable without you.”

“I'm sorry I didn't trust you.”

“I'm sorry I allowed that to happen.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and everything felt like it was back to normal. With Sirius by his side, James knew he could tackle any of his problems head on. Suddenly his anxiety was gone.

“Did Moony say anything about going to Hogsmeade on Saturday?” asked Sirius, breaking the silence naturally. “He has prefect duty but he was supposed to bribe Lily into covering for him.”

“No, but since Pete is going with Mary, I think it might just be the three of us if it works out. Oh and Marlene.”

“What? Wait, backtrack here a little bit, Wormy's going with Mary? Mary McDonald?”

“Oh so he didn't tell you either!” exclaimed James, frankly reassured he wasn't the only one left out by Peter. “I thought I was the only one who didn't know, Marlene told me just a few minutes ago!”

“No, he didn't tell me!” Sirius looked impressed, although perhaps a bit surprised. “But good for him! Now, what was that about Marlene?”

James ruffled up his hair, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Nothing, we're just meeting her at the Three Broomsticks, because she'll be alone and she wants to talk about Quidditch strategies.”

“Wrong,” said Sirius, with a meaningful smile and that look he had in his eyes when he understood something before everyone else. “You're meeting her alone. You got yourself a date, Prongs, my dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what happened?? it just wrote itself! really anxious about posting this one, let me know what you think!!


	31. Marlene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just... bear with me for this one chapter, I promise I'm going somewhere with this

“Do you think she thinks it's a date?”

James was laying on his bed, wide awake. It was close to midnight and Peter had enchanted small balls of light to float near the ceiling so Remus could read.

“For the hundredth time: I don't know and stop asking us,” answered Sirius, getting increasingly annoyed by the conversation that had been going on for too long.

“Because I don't want it to be a date! Should I just go and tell her right now? I should, right? I'll go and talk to her right now, I don't want to give her false hopes.”

“Prongs! You've been talking about it non stop since you last saw her, it's obvious you want to go.”

“Is it?” whispered James weakly. He had never been so confused about anything before.

He let go of the snitch he had been squeezing for the past thirty minutes and let it escape and flutter around the room.

“Yes,” answered Sirius firmly, sprawling out on Remus's bed. “So just go. And stop talking about it please, I'll do anything.”

“You don't even have to like it,” continued Remus, sat on the floor with an opened book on his lap. “Just go and you can decide how you feel about her later.”

James smiled half-heartedly. He already knew how he felt about Marlene. She was fun, open-minded and quick-witted. She loved Quidditch just as much as he did and no one in their year could rival with her when it came to Astronomy, not even Sirius.

James loved to spend time with her. But he didn't love her. Not the way he loved Lily. That's what had been on his mind for the past two days. Because Marlene was there, expressing interest in him. Lily wasn't. So could he really blame himself for giving a shot at loving someone else?

“Yeah, I guess I'll go,” he whispered, more to himself than to his friends. “I'll give it a try.”

That was a terrifying thought and he chose to not acknowledge it again until the next morning, which he feared was a long way away. With the anxiety building up inside his chest, he doubted he would be able to shut his eyes at all.

 

“Good morning!” exclaimed Peter as he pulled the curtains of James' bed, waking him from a long and undisturbed sleep. The light came flooding in, white and blinding. “It's a beautiful day outside!”

Never, in all the years James had known him, had Peter been such in a good mood so early in a Saturday. Despite all of Sirius's subtly dropped hints, Peter still hadn't told them about Mary and although the boys were dying to know what was going on between the two of them, Remus had been adamant about respecting Peter's privacy and not force him to reveal more than he wanted.

“So what are you doing today Pete?” yawned James, in a last desperate attempt.

Remus shot him a deadly stare from underneath his pillow and Peter quickly avoided the question.

“More like what are _you_ doing on your date with McKinnon, Prongs? Oh Merlin are you gonna kiss?”

“Ew, don't be disgusting Peter, they're not gonna kiss!” exclaimed a sleepy Sirius from across the room.

“They might!”

“We won't!” said James, making a disgusted face although he wasn't sure exactly why. “Leave me alone!”

James imitated Remus and buried his head underneath his pillow to escape the blinding sunlight and mocking glances. He heard Peter rummage around the room for a while, and tried to block out the annoyed groans of his friends for a few more minutes.

When he finally got up, Peter had already left and his friends had fallen back asleep. He first tried to tame his hair, before deciding it looked better messy and teasing it with his wand. After sparkles almost set fire to an unruly strand of hair, he put it to rest and tried to get dressed silently.

He quickly realized he had no idea what to wear on a date, which led him to the thought that he had never actually been on any type of date. He suddenly felt his heartbeat fasten and a knot tie in his stomach. Thinking he was going to be sick, he stuck his head out of the window and breathed in the cold October air. The sun was already quite high in the sky. It was time for him to go.

He carefully folded his Invisibility cloak and put it on Sirius's trunk, thinking his friend might want it to mess with Remus while he was on prefect duty this afternoon, as he usually did. He took one last look at the silent dorm room before closing the door behind him.

He hurried along the path to Hogsmeade, worried he might be late. Sirius had extensively explained to him that arriving late on a date was a power move but James found that somewhat hard to believe. And, although he would never admit it to Sirius, he really couldn't understand what power moves were, and how they came into play when it came to a date.

As he pushed the door to the pub, he was welcomed by the warmth of the fireplace and the loud chattering of dozens and dozens of Hogwarts students and other clients.

She was already waiting for him, at an empty table near the bar, her braided blonde hair tossed over her shoulder. She looked a little different, more sophisticated than usual maybe, and James understood she might be wearing make-up although he certainly wouldn't have been able to tell which kind.

“Hi,” he said awkwardly, approaching the table.

“Hiya James!”

Marlene got up and greeted him with a hug. James couldn't help but noticed the warmth of her palms and the smell of hot chocolate in her hair.

“Sorry I'm late.”

“You're not, I'm just early!”

He sat down in front of her and ruffled up his hair, unsure of what to say next. She looked very beautiful in her autumn robes and rosy cheeks, but somehow it didn't feel like something appropriate to mention.

“Have you seen the Ravenclaws practice Thursday night?” asked Marlene, leaning forward to avoid being overheard by other students.

“No, hum, I was in detention with Lily.”

Immediately as he pronounced her name, James knew it had been wrong to do so. He had asked Lily out several times, very publicly, and Marlene had been there each of those times. There was no way she could ignore how he felt about Lily. Which is why Marlene asking him out on a date had been so strange.

To her credit, she did not react at Lily's mention, bouncing right off to what she really wanted to talk about.

“They have a new Keeper. Cornell, I think. He's in fourth year and he is massive.”

“Is he any good?”

“He isn't bad. Slow, for sure, but his arms are so long it doesn't really matter. He blocked ten shots out of eleven on Thursday, and you know how good their Chasers are.”

“Is McLaren still on the team?” asked James.

“How could he not be? He's the best they have. Probably the second best Chaser in the school after you,” she answered. “And I have no idea how to counter him, I thought we would have much more time before having to worry about him.”

“I wish Alice was here,” James sighed. “She's the only reason we beat them last year.”

Marlene smiled and her eyes suddenly shifted from James to something behind him.

“Speak of the devil.”

James turned around to see a familiar figure at the bar, nose deep in a glass of Butterbeer. Alice looked almost the same as James remembered, the exception being her uniform, attaching her to the Ministry and no longer to the school.

As though she could feel the two pair of eyes on the back of her neck, she looked above her shoulder and noticed them immediately in the crowded place.

“Potter! McKinnon!” she exclaimed, walking to them and jumping on the empty seat beside Marlene. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“Alice!” said James and Marlene at the same time. “Hi!”

Alice pulled Marlene in for a tight hug and gave a friendly slap to James' arm.

“What's new with you, Potter? Haven't heard from yah since my last letter!” she said, readjusting her high up bun. “Oh please tell me you and Evans are finally together! All that flirting during practice was just painful to look at to be honest.”

James shot an embarrassed look at Marlene, who smiled back at him nervously. Immediately catching the silent exchange, Alice opened wide eyes.

“Nooo, don't tell me you guys are on a date right now! By Merlin, you are! Are you kidding? McKinnon please I'm begging you, don't tell me you actually like that twat!”

To James relief, Marlene didn't blush nor avoided eye contact with Alice. She simply smiled and held her chin up high.

“He might be a bit of a wanker but he has a few redeeming qualities,” she said coolly. “And by 'a few' I mean at least one.”

Alice snorted and rolled her eyes.

“That's a very subtle way of admitting you're into him because he's hot now, isn't it?”

“Bloody hell girls, I can hear you, don't talk about me like I'm a piece of meat!” protested James. “I'm right here!”

“Yes, that's unfortunate,” sighed Alice, which made Marlene laugh perhaps a bit too much.

“Shut it Alice.”

“You wish.”

James and Alice exchanged a smile and suddenly it felt like second year again, when they had all been freshly recruited in the Gryffindor Quidditch team, during a simpler, more peaceful time. Now, like then, James and Alice's constant bickering profoundly amused Marlene. James' gaze lingered on her dimple, which he noticed now, unlike then. She had only one, on her left cheek, deepened by her genuine laughter.

It was adorable, truly. And perhaps, just perhaps, he thought he could one day learn to love her.

“What's new with you, Alice? And what are you doing here?”

Alice's smile faded a little at Marlene's question, and a certain shift in her attitude highlighted the bags under her eyes and her tired expression.

“My Auror training was accelerated,” she explained. “They're making us work thrice as hard, so we can start the job earlier. It's exhausting but the Ministry needs the extra help. That's also why I'm here. To convince NEWTs students to become Aurors themselves, no matter what course they chose.”

“Is it really that bad out there?”

“Yes.” Alice's voice had never been more serious. “Muggles and wizards are disappearing. It's not isolated cases any more. It's all across the country. Entire families. And there are rumours of the dark side working with Giants, Dementors and... well, highly influential politicians under the Imperius curse.”

Marlene chuckled flatly.

“That's it then, huh? If that's true, we're all fucked.”

“Not necessarily,” said James. “There are so many of us who believe in the right thing. There are so many of us who have hope. We won't go down without a fight.”

“You are as brave as you are naïve, Potter,” smiled Alice. “I like that about you.”

Marlene laughed and playfully shoved Alice's arm.

“Quit flirting with him! I was literally here first.”

Alice made a disgusted face and Marlene shoved her again, until they quietly fake wrestled together on their seats, like James and Sirius always did. James laughed at the scene, all anxiety about the war and the future momentarily forgotten. He had no idea girls played wrestle too.

“I should leave you guys to your date,” said Alice finally, fixing her bun Marlene had teased mercilessly.

“No!” exclaimed James and Marlene at the same time. Their eyes met and James saw his own fear reflected to him in Marlene's intense gaze. They shared the same anxiety of being alone with each other.

“Hum, yes, I'm done third wheeling for the day, thank you.”

Alice was getting up when Marlene started sketching a simplified version of Quidditch pitch on one of the napkins.

“Stay. We're four days away from the first game and we've never been so under-prepared. They changed the line-up at the last minute, we're playing Ravenclaw.”

“What? That's insane!” said Alice, immediately collapsing back to her seat.

“Hey, that's what I said!” laughed James.

Marlene slid her drawing of the pitch to the centre of the table and the three of them leaned forward on, now fully engaged in discussing strategies to take down the Ravenclaws. James and Marlene talked to Alice about everything: the new teams, the new techniques they had been trying out, even their Beater's new brooms. They wanted nothing left to chance.

They talked for so long the pub had cleared when they finally were satisfied with all the decisions that had been made, and it was already time for their Saturday practice.

“I just totally crashed your date,” laughed Alice as they left the Three Broomsticks to head out to the Quidditch pitch. “I would be really sorry if I didn't find this hilarious.”

James and Marlene exchanged a meaningful look. Alice had had more than a few Butterbeers across the afternoon, and she was a little wobbly on her feet.

“I don't think you can Apparate home, Alice.”

“Bugger off McKinnon, Frank is waiting for me.”

“Frank? Who's Frank?”

“Oh, she probably means Frank Longbottom, you know him, he was Head Boy a few years back. Well, he's an Auror now and Alice working with him,” explained James. “I think she has a crush on him.”

“Shut up Potter, who told you about Frank?”

“You did, Alice!”

“Bullshit! When?”

“In your last letter, you idiot!”

The trio kept bickering until they arrived to the pitch, where the team was already waiting for them. Of course, they all greeted Alice's presence with loud applause at first, then annoyed groans when she insisted on watching the entire practice from the stands.

“You have to promise me to be quiet though,” said Marlene in a vaguely threatening voice. “I'm the captain now, so you can't boss us around any more, got it?”

Alice motioned she would stay silent, and James forced himself to tear his gaze away from Marlene. She was already so different from the insecure girl needing reassurance about her leadership qualities at the beginning of the school year. She exuded a certain type of confidence, quiet and subtle in some ways, but overwhelming in others.

Ever since the first practice, she had become better and better at being a captain, leading by example. Contrarily to Alice, she never once raised her voice or in any way belittled anyone, preferring a more delicate approach, where she listened and compromised. In fact, she was so competent no one ever dared to question her methods, not even James, who loved nothing more than to question figures of authority.

Marlene was strong, he realized. Stronger than she liked to appear.

This practice session was incredibly efficient and they had a chance to test out almost everything they had discussed during the day. Faithful to her promise, Alice remained quiet, so when James flew towards the stands to check on her, he wasn't surprise to find her soundly asleep in her oversized winter coat.

They practised until the sun went down behind the lake, at which point the exhausted team rushed to the showers, ready for a large and well-deserved meal. Only Marlene and James stayed behind, still on their brooms, slashing through the air in a playful but nevertheless competitive race.

She had always been slower than him, but he purposefully lost this time. Not because he took pity on her, and certainly not because he wanted to be a gentleman, but because he wanted to see her smile again. To James, there were no eyes more beautiful than those filled with genuine happiness.

The fear he had had to be alone with her was completely gone. For a while they didn't talk, alone in the vast Quidditch pitch under the orange sky turning darker every minute.

It was just them and their brooms and the sound of the wind.

At one point they stopped racing around the pitch, but James couldn't remember when. At one point they both immobilized their brooms in the air, twenty feet from the ground, but James couldn't tell if it had been a silent agreement or if one had simply followed the other. At one point they had started talking while passing the Quaffle to each other, but James couldn't remember where the conversation had started, or if it even had a beginning. It felt so natural, so effortless, he felt as though they had been talking forever.

“Are you scared?” asked James as he threw the Quaffle her way.

“About the war? Yeah, I mean, who isn't?”

“Valid point.”

“I'm not scared for me though, is that weird? Not for my parents either, I know they're gonna be okay.”

“Who are you scared for then?”

“My brother. I know it's silly, because he's so much older than me, but he works for the Ministry, and from what Alice said...” Marlene bit her lip and threw the Quaffle back to James. “Do you think it's true that some politicians are under the Imperius Curse?”

James shrugged. If he was being honest, he was more scared of Dementors than potentially corrupted office men.

“Probably.”

“My brother works in the Department for the Control of Magical Creatures. He's... well, he's pushing for a reform that would give freedom and unalienable rights to every creature capable of coherent thought. He wants them all to have the same rights as wizards do. And, I understand why he's doing that, I do. But he is pissing off a lot of people in the Ministry, and this type of thinking can't sit well with the supremacists that are slowly taking over everything. It also means he deals with a lot of werewolves and more and more of them are joining Greyback, and I... I can't...”

She didn't finish her thought and bit down on her bottom lip. She looked immensely troubled, but she didn't look scared.

“It's gonna be okay.”

“You're just saying that.”

“Yeah. But I also mean it. Historically, that's how the world operates. Three steps forward and two step back. Right now, the world is backing up into a dark corner, but we will step forward and into the light soon enough. I know you and Alice think I'm naïve and maybe I am. But hope keeps the world going, so I'm hoping. And I will do whatever's necessary, I'm ready for it.”

James turned the Quaffle in his hands and silence settled in between them.

“Thank you,” Marlene whispered after a while. “This world needs people like you, James Potter.”

James smiled at her gently, unsure what to answered. Marlene shivered. The sun had set completely, and they had been immobile for too long, the warmth created by their restless practice had evaporated. A drop of rain came down. Then two. Then a million.

They landed on the ground softly and with a flick of her wand Marlene sent their brooms to the locker room where they were kept. Before he knew it, they were standing face to face, empty handed, alone under the pouring rain. Neither of them thought to draw their wand to shield them from the rain. The moment was just too perfect.

Suddenly James wasn't as cold. In fact, it was a very warm feeling growing in his chest, traitorous. The exact opposite of what he wanted to feel.

“I had fun today,” said Marlene, as she stepped closer to him. Raindrops were caught in her eyelashes.

“Me too. You've been... well, you've been a true surprise.”

“What, you didn't expect me to be this fun?” she smiled innocently, and her dimple appeared again.

“I didn't expect the day to go by this fast. Time really does fly by when I'm with you. You're wonderful.”

As he pronounced these words he knew to be the wrong ones, Marlene's smile shifted ever so slightly, from lovely to sad, as if she understood exactly what James wouldn't say.

“You're still in love with Lily, aren't you?”

She didn't look angry or frustrated, and her question wasn't meant for an answer. She was stating a fact that was breaking her heart. Raindrops were caught in her eyelashes.

“Yeah,” he whispered, his head down, wishing, praying she would not hear him.

“I don't mind, you know,” she whispered back.

Raising his head, James would have given anything to not see the overwhelming sadness on her face. She stepped closer, too close for comfort but James didn't step back. She kissed him, or perhaps he kissed her. In the rainstorm, her lips were warm and soft against his. Raindrops were caught in her eyelashes.

“But I do mind,” he said, pulling apart but keeping his forehead pressed against hers. “I don't want to hurt you.”

“Yeah. I know.”

She was crying. Or perhaps he was. It was beautiful and it was an unsaid farewell to something that would never happen. She smiled sadly and pulled away. There was one tear rolling on her cheek, or maybe a raindrop. She wiped it with her sleeve.

“I guess that's it then, uh.”

James nodded but did not reply, unspoken words stuck in his throat. She walked away quietly, disappearing in the rain without looking back, leaving him with one certainty.

It was Lily. It had always been Lily and it would always be. Nothing had ever been so clear in his mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ending is very loosely based on this song called You to you by Maisie Peters so do not hesitate to check it out if you have a little time! also i feel like i have to apologize because wtf was that  
> let me know what you think in the comments!


	32. The game

On the day of the game, James found it incredibly difficult to swallow anything. He wasn't usually nervous before playing Quidditch, but this time was different. He hadn't talked to Marlene since their wonderful and heartbreaking date, and at this point he was too afraid to even look at her in the eyes.

Needless to say the two practice sessions they had had since then had been quite awkward. James had not dreaded a game this much since his first ever one.

“Quit staring at your plate and eat something!” said Peter. “You have a big game this morning, you want all the energy you can get!”

“Don't mind him Pete, he's still sad about McKinnon,” said Sirius, nudging James with his elbow.

“I'm not sad!” he protested. “Just anxious about the game.”

“Oh please,” snorted Remus. “You're never worried before a game.”

“Well I am now. Let me be.”

James' tone should never have been this cold and he immediately regretted it.

“Sorry Moony, I didn't mean to snap.”

“Don't worry about it,” replied Remus carefully. “Are you okay? Do you want me to go down to the kitchens?”

Suddenly incapable to speak due to the growing knot in his throat, James nodded. Remus knew him too well. In first year, he had figured out that the only thing that made James feel instantly better was chocolate. It cheered him up when he was sad, soothed him when he was angry, and never failed to appease the worse of his fears.

As a child, his father always made him hot chocolate when he was sick. It was a memory of comfort, of home. As a teenager, it was almost the only thing he drank during winter.

“I'll go down right now,” said Remus. “Tell them to have as much chocolate as possible ready for when the game is over.”

James mouthed a sincere thank you. He felt so grateful to know his friends would always stand besides him, helping him deal with emotions he could barely comprehend himself. Encouraged by Peter, he ate a little before getting up. Even since the Whomping Willow incident and that terrible scar stretching across his chest, he liked to arrive early to the games, so he wouldn't have to change in front of anyone.

Further down the Gryffindor table, Lily was braiding Marlene's hair into a hairdo that wouldn't be disturbed by the wind. It was with a tuck in his stomach that James noticed that neither of them looked up when he passed them.

Sirius and Peter were right behind him, chatting light-heartedly to try and calm his nerves and only went in a different direction once they got to the locker rooms. James changed quickly into his Quidditch robes and spent his spare time polishing his broom until the rest of the team arrived.

Marlene was last. She gave a short speech James was too distracted to listen to, and like that, they were off.

They marched together to the centre of the pitch, and the team mounted their brooms while the two captains exchanged the customary handshake. It was their first game without Alice.

As Madam Hooch blew her whistle, James kicked the ground and flew upwards. One of the techniques they had discussed intensively consisted in him trailing the lead Ravenclaw Chaser, McLaren, from below. He took to his new position enthusiastically, as the thrill of the flight started to rise in him.

McLaren was great, if not incredible, and quickly understood what James was trying to do. On several occasions, he veered off his course brutally, challenging James to recognize a pattern to his unpredictability, as well as a game of high level acrobatics.

McLaren dived, spiralled and accelerated before realizing he could not get rid of James. Trying out a different approach, he flew in high speed straight to Marlene, who was holding the Quaffle, then pulled the handle of his broom up and avoided a last second crash by flying above her.

Trailing behind McLaren, James angled his broom down and zoomed below her, missing her by a hair, as she dropped the Quaffle to him. He caught it with the tips of his fingers and barely held on, before sprinting towards the Ravenclaw goals. Reaffirming his grip on the ball, he tried his chance and threw to the Quaffle to the left goal, but his attempt was immediately defected by the Keeper, the fourth year Cornell, who tossed the ball back to McLaren.

James felt his heart drop to his stomach as McLaren sped towards the Gryffindor goals. He had abandoned his position to try to score, and had left an open space for the opponent to fly freely. James started speeding to him, aware he would be too late to prevent him from scoring anyway when Marlene cut McLaren's trajectory and he dropped the Quaffle out of surprise.

After twenty minutes of intense game, the score remained unaltered. None of the Gryffindor Chasers could seem to go through Cornell's impeccable goalkeeping, and no one on the Ravenclaw team could bypass Marlene and Alvarez's brilliant defence. They were at a dead end.

Their talents perfectly equal as it was, everything relied on the Seekers. Not only were they the only ones capable to put an end to this close game, they would also be the only ones responsible for their team's victory. Or defeat.

James came to a stop and remained stationary for a short moment, catching his breath as he looked around for the Snitch. He was ready to chase it right into their Seeker's hands if he needed to. Marlene seemed to have had the same idea and was flying in circular motion above the pitch, while further down, Alvarez was in possession of the Quaffle and was making progress zigzagging between the Ravenclaw Chasers.

James was scanning the air for the Snitch when something in the stands caught his attention. Lily had her arm around Mary, who was squirming nervously in her seat as she watched Marlene. But far from imitating Mary and looking at her friend, Lily was staring at James, smiling, cheering him on.

Her cheeks were pink from the cold or maybe the excitement, and her dark red hair was gathered in a long ponytail behind her. He noticed the red and gold scarf wrapped around her neck, her piercing green eyes widening then nothing.

Nothing but pain.

He was falling.

 

 

 

He woke up in the infirmary. The sharp pain he had felt just before falling was almost completely gone, but he couldn't open his left eye and he could feel a swelling on the left side of his face. He didn't have his glasses.

There was a feminine figure sat near the bed and he blinked several times to clear his vision.

“Lily?”

The silhouette leaned towards him and slapped his arm from above the covers.

“No, you arse, it's Marlene. You were hit in the face by a Bludger.”

“Oh, so that's what that is,” said James slowly. He tried touching his cheek with the tips of his fingers but the contact made him wince painfully. “Did we win?”

“Yeah, I caught the snitch and tossed it to Herby when everyone was watching you fall. Don't tell the Ravenclaws. Or Madam Hooch.”

“Great news,” grumbled James, resisting the primal urge to touch his swollen face again. He reached for his glasses on the night stand and put them on extremely mindfully, getting most of his vision back.

“He's awake!” Marlene called to the nurse.

“Oh thank Merlin, poor lamb!” said Madame Pomfrey, emerging from her office and rushing to his side. “I gave you something for the pain, so you shouldn't be able to feel it but you do have a fractured cheekbone.”

“That doesn't sound good,” said James. As much as he loved the school nurse, he hated the infirmary as much as everybody else.

“No. I thought I warned you about coming to me with any other Quidditch related injuries Mr. Potter!”

“But it wasn't my fault this time!”

Marlene coughed and looked at him intensely. Of course it was his fault, and he knew it. He never should have let himself get distracted from the game by the people in the stands. Or by someone in particular.

“Do I look like I care whose fault it was?” continued Madam Pomfrey, unaware of the silent exchange. “You are going to get yourself killed one day! If it were up to me, Quidditch would be banned from this school altogether. So you best believe that while I am still at Hogwarts you will not touch a broomstick again!”

She grabbed a few empty bottles of ointment from the night stand and left, looking genuinely annoyed.

With a knot in his stomach, James watched her disappear inside her office. Had this game truly been his last at Hogwarts?

Worried, he bit his lip, unintentionally mimicking Marlene, still sat next to him.

“I'm not going to let her kick you off the team James,” she said with a concerned look on her face. “I'll talk to her, don't worry.”

“Really?”

“Are you kidding? McGonagall would kill me if I let that happen. You're our best Chaser, I'm not trying to lose this tournament for my first year as a captain.”

“I thought...” hesitated James. “I thought that maybe because of Saturday you wouldn't want anything to do with me any more.”

Smiling, Marlene leaned forward and placed her hand on top of his.

“James, with Alice gone, you're the only one of my friends with who I can talk about Quidditch. I'm not cutting you out of my life just because you won't date me. Besides, we're in class together every other day, so trying to ignore your existence would be really hard.”

James smiled back at her. He didn't know what he had done to deserve someone so understanding and kind. She had every reason to hate him.

“Thank you,” he whispered. Unfortunately, his words were drowned out by the sound of the two great wooden doors blasting open, and of precipitated footsteps.

“James!”

Lily's voice echoed through the infirmary as she ran to his bed. Her neatly tied hair had been messed up by the wind and she had not taken the time to take off her scarf or even unbutton her coat.

She stopped dead in her tracks as she set her eyes on Marlene's hand, still on James's.

“Oh.”

Marlene pulled her hand away quickly and so did James, but it was seconds too late.

“I just came to tell you that...” Lily hesitated, and James could tell she was struggling to come up with a reasonable explanation for her heaving chest and the fact that she had just blasted through the doors with such speed. “Hum, your friends are on their way, they were in the kitchens,” she blurred out finally.

“That's what you wanted to tell me?” asked James. Something in Lily's attitude told him that it wasn't the whole truth. “That's why you ran here?”

“I didn't run,” said Lily, clearly out of breath. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and adjusted her messy ponytail. “And yeah. That's it.”

With a last look at her friend sat near the bed, Lily turned heel and walked out. As soon as she disappeared behind the wooden doors, Marlene leaned forward with a guilty expression on her face.

“James, I'm so fucking sorry,” she whispered. “I swear I didn't mean for it to look like we were together. I'll go after her and explain everything, I'll fix it, I promise.”

Before James could say anything, Marlene was gone and he was left alone in the empty infirmary, with his broken heart and fractured cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did this make sense?? I'm not sure but i hope you liked it! And i would love to know what you think!


	33. The idiots 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting this now instead of Sunday because i want to and also i got mixed up in my schedule and also time isn't real and also im sad and in need of validation

“James, would you help me out with this?”

Sat at the teacher's desk in her usual place during detention monitoring, Lily was leaning over a small portable cauldron emanating dark green fumes. Delighted to have an excuse to get a break from the apology letters he had to write, James sprung out of his seat to approach the desk.

“Sure thing ma'am. What seems to be the problem?”

Lily shot him a severe glance and James' knees weakened. He made a mental note to call her 'ma'am' more often, if only it would get him to see that look on her face again. It was the first time he had been alone with her since the inexplicable scene in the infirmary. He still didn't know why she ran or why she had appeared so frazzled.

“This is Amortentia for Slughorn's assignment on love potions and antidotes,” she explained. “Is it supposed to be this green at this stage? It looked shinier in the vial he showed us last week.”

During their last Potion class, Slughorn had made them each pick a love potion to prepare so they could break down the ingredients and come up with a suitable antidote. One of Amortentia's particularity laid in the fact that its scent was multi-faced and varied from person to person, adopting the aroma of what each found most attractive. It was probably one of the hardest ones to replicate, which had to be the reason why Lily chose it. This year was her first without Snape as a partner, and James suspected she was determined to prove she was better than him. She was stubborn like that.

“The assignment is due in two weeks, why are you making this now?”

“It's due next Wednesday, James.”

“Oh. I need to get on that.”

“Indeed.”

J ames looked inside the cauldron and grabbed the silver spoon from Lily's hand.  He wondered for an instant about what it would smell like for him  when it would be complete . The vial Slughorn had shown them was closed, and  it was not something James could have smelled in his dad's office. Fleamont Potter was not one to  dabble into something as controversial as love potions.

T hankfully, James had read his copy of  _ Advanced Potion-Making _ so many times he might as well have known it by heart.

“Green is completely fine at this stage. The shine on the potion he showed us was mostly for aesthetics, it's not that important.”

Without even thinking about it , he  plunged the spoon inside the potion and turned several times counter-clockwise. The liquid bubbled a few seconds before turning a lovely pearl colour. 

“The book doesn't mention that at all!” protested Lily, although she looked thoroughly impressed.

James shrugged. The time when he had trusted everything in his school manuals was long gone. When it came to potions, he found that working on instinct often led to better results that blindly following the instructions.

“You're good with the theory, I'm good with the practice,” he said simply.

“You would make a great Potion Master,” observed Lily.

“What, like teaching? Here at Hogwarts?”

Confused, James tried to decipher Lily's expression. She didn't look like she was mocking him. In fact, she looked rather sincere.

“Yeah, I mean, why not?” she shrugged.

“I've actually thought about this,” said James slowly. “And I would probably love it, but only if I didn't have to teach in the dungeons. If they make me work in the dungeons I'm out.”

“Too many spiders?” smiled Lily.

“You know it.”

They shared a smile expressing a complicity James would have never dared to dream about. Lily's smile was everything and more. Subtle and beautiful, it lit up her whole face, and made her eyes, otherwise so intimidating, look incredibly young and kind.

“Keep an eye on this, don't let your Warming charm fade too much and it should be ready in a few minutes,” said James as he got back to his seat.

“You should be a teacher,” said Lily in a firm tone. “I've decided.”

“Why, ma'am, I don't think what I should do in the future is for you to decide. Godric, I probably won't even get to make that choice myself.”

Silence fell between them while they both thought about what James was too tactful to mention. The war. This dark cloud of uncertainty, hovering above their heads wherever they were, whatever they did.

James looked down and went back to his half-finished letter. Apologizing had been easier than he thought, past the initial shock of having to draft the first letter.

He had already made a lot of progress and his writing had become steadier and more genuine. He was on his third letter of the evening and he felt very confident he could finish it and start another one before Lily called time.

At the desk, she was still leaning over her cauldron, attentively watching the liquid bubble. A strand of red hair had escaped her bun and was brushing against her freckled cheek. It took a few long seconds for James to snap out of his contemplative trance.

It wasn't always easy for him to concentrate when she was around. Each of her movement drew his attention and he couldn't help it. There was magic in the way she pursed her lips and furrowed her brows.

“James, tell me,” she started, without looking at him, her eyes still fixated on her potion.

“Yes?”

“Is there something between you and Marlene?”

She lifted her head and looked a him, and James' heart had skipped a beat. This was not a question he ever expected to answer, and he found himself uncommonly lost for words. Her breathtaking and imperturbable eyes were fixated on him, and, as it often happened, James felt like she could see right through him.

So what could he tell her really, but the truth? _I thought I could love Marlene, I tried to love Marlene, but I c_ _an't love anyone the way_ _I love you._

So what could he tell her, really?

“Nothing,” he said. “We're friends. She's the captain of my Quidditch team and you know that.”

Lily sat back on her chair and crossed her legs underneath her. Her subtle frown told James she wasn't satisfied with that answer.

“Is that why she keeps repeating that there is nothing going on between you two, over and over again, when I've told her countless times I don't care?”

“Probably.”

“James?”

“Yes?”

“Tell me the truth.”

Her tone was unequivocal, she wanted an answer. James took a deep inhale. What could he tell her, really, but the truth?

“We went on a date. A Saturday in Hogsmeade. It went well and she's a really wonderful person. But I can't see her as anything else than a great friend.”

Lily went quiet for a few moments while her eyes drifted back to her cauldron. A lot more bubbles started bursting at the surface, and the spiralling steam grew considerably thicker for no apparent reason.

“I thought you liked me,” she said, in an indecipherable tone. It was so quiet James might have missed it if he hadn't paid attention. But he had and he heard. And again, his heart skipped a beat.

“I do.”

It was surprisingly easy for him to admit. Never words had been so effortless and true.

“So you get romantically involved with my best friend?!” said Lily, much less quiet now. Somehow, what James had said seemed to have troubled her and she looked agitated. Beside her, her pearly potion looked dangerously close to overflowing. “How is that liking me?”

Her perfect brows were furrowed, expressing a mix of confusion and something James interpreted as anger.

“I'm trying to move on from you, isn't that what you want?” he said, raising his voice maybe a little bit more than he should. He didn't understand her.

“Not with my best friend, no I don't!”

And suddenly James caught himself hoping. Hoping that maybe Lily wasn't angry about Marlene. Hoping the reason why she was reacting so strongly was that she didn't want him to move on. Because he didn't want to either.

A loud hissing sound suddenly filled the room, distracting the both of them from what was starting to become a full blown argument. The charm Lily had casted earlier, supposed to kept her potion warm, had tripled in intensity and the cauldron now looked boiling hot. Lily's raw passion translated too easily into power. She quickly drew her wand and directed it at her potion, stopping the Amortentia from boiling over at the last second.

“So you do care,” James said quietly. His voice echoed in the empty room.

“I don't,” replied Lily, and the lie was visible in her eyes.

James looked away. He didn't understand her. And given the way she was acting, and how her own magic escaped her control, there was a chance she might not understand herself either.

“Is it ruined?” she asked. “The potion, I mean?”

“No. It'll be more liquid, that's all. The only important thing was to not let it get cold, and I think you got that covered.”

Lily chuckled and didn't try to counter James' dig at her magical outburst. She had an embarrassed smile on her face, and James could tell she regretted having lost control over a charm she usually excelled at, so he didn't mention it again.

The steam of the cauldron had filled the room, and the maddening perfume was everywhere. James put down his quill as he tried to pinpoint exactly what the s cent reminded him of. 

“What does it smell like to you?” said Lily suddenly. She was apparently desirous to move on from their argument and James couldn't blame her.

“It smells like... like the Forbidden Forest after it rains, the Quidditch locker room and... apples, maybe?”

“Intense.”

“Yeah.”

“Quidditch locker room?”

“Yeah, I don't know either.”

Lily tried to hide her smile behind her hair she had untied but James knew her too well. Her lit up eyes gave her away every time.

“What's it smell like to you?” The question fell from James' lips before he even knew he wanted to ask.

Lily replied without a second of hesitation, as if she had been preparing her answer for a while.

“Hot chocolate.”

“That's it?”

She nodded and transfigurated an old pen into a vial, in which she poured a few ounces of her potion. James watched her attentively. She couldn't possibly be telling the whole truth, but there were dozens of reasons as to why she might not want to tell him, so he tried to put it behind him.

“I'm sorry about Marlene,” he said.

He didn't want to talk about it again, nor did he mean to upset Lily once more, but somehow he felt like this conversation was necessary.

“Don't be,” she answered, barely looking up from the vial she was twisting in her fingers. “She's a great girl. She'll make you really happy.”

“Lily,” said James firmly. “Marlene and I are friends. We're going to stay friends, I've told you this already. I don't want anything more with her.”

Lily looked up, and she looked so grateful, so enchanting, that James fell in love with her all over again.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! please please let me know what you think i love reading your comments


	34. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And like that, we're back on schedule! It means the Christmas chapter will arrive right in time for Christmas! I'm excited!

Sat on the couch near the common room's fireplace, James was lost in his thoughts. No matter how hard he tried to focus on his potion assignment, his mind kept wandering back to his last detention. In fact, he had not been able to keep it off his mind ever since he had walked out of the room.

For hours now, he had tried to make sense of everything Lily had said. Tried to convince himself he was imagining things. Tried and failed.

No matter how many times he went back through the events in his head, he always landed on the same conclusion. Lily looked hurt. When he told her about Marlene, she looked hurt. And this, more than anything, made James sick to his stomach.

He couldn't find a reason as to why she would be but that didn't change the facts.

So how could he possibly say he loved her, when all he did was hurt her? How could he possibly hope to one day hold her, when he had sat in front of her and told her what he told her?

He was toxic, he realized. Prone to self-sabotage. And how good could that be to anyone?

He watched Peter, sat on the rug next to the fire, laugh genuinely to one of Sirius's jokes and for the first time, his friend's happiness didn't make him feel better. Would he one day hurt them too? He was careless, his mother had always told him he was. But until now, he had never believed his carelessness could extend to other people and their emotions. How could it? He cared, he cared so much when it came to Peter, to Sirius, to Remus. To Lily.

But it hadn't been enough. He _had_ been careless.

As he desperately tried to stop spiralling down this abyss of dark thoughts he knew to be untrue, he realized he had been staring at a spot Peter had left for too long now.

“We've lost Prongs forever,” declared Sirius. “Time to find a replacement. It's a bummer, I was just starting to warm up to him.”

James poked his tongue at him, more to show his friend that he was still alive and functional than to actually replicate.

“Alright there, mate?” said Remus. “You haven't said much.”

“Don't mind him,” said Peter. “He was daydreaming about snogging McKinnon, I reckon.”

Sirius laughed and leaned forward to high-five Peter.

“I think you mean Evans. I'm still convinced even McKinnon wasn't able to distract him from our perfect prefect.”

“Yeah, James, did you ever tell us what happened with Marlene?” said Remus, suddenly looking away from his homework and turning to face James.

“No, and I'm not going to!”

His friends had been trying to get the whole story of what happened during that day at Hogsmeade and to their credit, their efforts had been valiant, but so far unsuccessful. James had promised himself he would never tell a soul. Crying during a kiss wasn't necessarily something he wanted to brag about.

“Come on!” exclaimed Sirius. “Me and Pete bet ten Galleons on who you're going to pick, Evans or McKinnon.”

“You're insane. I'm not going to 'pick' a girl, I'm pretty sure they get to have a say in this too,” James turned to Remus for help. “Moony, please tell me you told them it was ridiculous.”

“I did, and then I bet one Galleon on Lily.”

Betrayed, James raised both of his eyebrows and stared straight at the friend he thought to be the reasonable one.

“What?” Remus said, smiling. “I didn't have ten Galleons. In fact I still don't, so I would very much like to win.” He looked back at James expectantly, as if waiting for him to just start handing out answers and spilling secrets.

“You guys are bullies,” concluded James.

“Thank you,” said Sirius with a small bow.

The three boys were just staring at him now, and James found himself backed up against a wall. Earlier in the week when his friends had confronted him with similar questions, he had easily distracted them with whatever he had in hand, sometimes a quill he tickled them with, and usually the Cloak he disappeared under. This time though, he realized as he patted down his robes discreetly, he had nothing to throw at them but words. So they would have to be perfect.

“You guys realize that Pete is just using my thing to distract you from the fact that he has a girlfriend now, right?”

“Wormy! Not cool!” exclaimed Sirius as he turned to Peter, and James thanked everything he knew for Sirius's inability to stay focused on anything for too long.

“Yeah Pete,” said Remus. “I was really defending you the first week, but now you kinda just have to tell us. And don't think you're off the hook James, we'll come back to you later.”

James grumbled a bit for good measure, but accepted with gratitude this second to breathe and think of an answer to provide while the others grilled Peter.

As much as he loved his friends, he didn't want to tell them about kissing Marlene and having to break her heart. He didn't want to tell them about Lily and her eyes and her hair that smelled of apples, and the way he thought he could never love anyone as much as he loved her. He didn't want them to know, because he didn't want them to see him differently. He didn't want them to see him as a guy that could just break a girl's heart and be fine. And he didn't want them to know he wasn't fine.

“You guys are the worst,” whined Peter on the opposite armchair. “I'm allowed to have secrets too, you know.”

“Secrets?” repeated Sirius, and he opened his arms wide at his side, almost knocking Remus's potion manual out of his hands. “I'm an open book. We're the Marauders. We don't keep secrets from each other, ever.”

Remus nodded vigorously next to him, staring straight at James, who looked away, uncomfortable. Under his shirt, his silver scar tingled. He had too many secrets. And his friends didn't deserve being lied to.

“Fine, I'm dating Mary!” blurred out Peter finally, his cheeks pink with embarrassment.

His confession was met with a deafening silence amongst the group, a silence that lasted for a few seconds. James hesitated, unsure whether to congratulate his friend or not say anything to not add on to his discomfort. He settled on clapping energetically, while Sirius and Remus got up to hug Peter, whose face was now completely red.

“To be honest, we found out a long time ago, so it's not really a surprise,” said Remus, letting go of the smaller boy. “But why didn't you tell us sooner? You knew we would be happy for you!”

“I didn't want you guys to make fun of me,” grumbled Peter as he dragged his feet back to his seat.

“Why would we make fun of you?”

“Because she's a muggleborn and I'm a pureblood.”

His voice was now so quiet James could barely hear him from the couch where he was sitting and he was forced to lean forward to make sure he had heard properly.

“Pete,” said Remus softly. “Blood status isn't a thing. It's a concept constructed by people who hate Muggles, not something someone should ever be ashamed about. Of course we were not going to make fun of you because you're dating Mary!”

“Mary's one of the most powerful witches in this school,” continued James. “I can promise you that her being muggleborn was not on anyone's mind. And if you're afraid about what your parents are gonna say, just remember they have a very outdated vision of the world.”

“Thank you guys,” whispered Peter, making himself look much smaller than he was.

“Sure thing mate.”

And with one perfectly synchronized movement, Sirius and Remus turned to James, their bodies mirroring each other down the way they crossed their legs.

“Now, to Prongs.”

James sighed. He knew this time he wouldn't get away with distracting them. But something had changed and he no longer wanted to hide the truth from them. He realized he hated secrets.

“What do you want to know?” he asked, ruffling up his hair nervously.

“Why you came back soaked and late at night from your date with McKinnon,” said Sirius immediately.

“Why you've been so silent since your last detention with Lily,” said Remus.

“And who you're choosing, Evans or McKinnon,” said Peter.

“Wormy! This isn't about our bet!”

Sirius tried to shoot a severe look at Peter, but the indignation on his face was so exaggerated and faked, it made James laugh. Only his brother could be so overly dramatic, and he loved it.

“But it is about our bet, isn't it?” whispered Peter to Sirius. He seemed extremely lost, but Sirius rolled his eyes and did not answer.

They all turned back to James, who took a deep breath and decided to tell them everything. Remus motioned for him to start and he did.

He told them about Marlene and about the wonderful day they had spent together and how the hours had felt like seconds. He told them about the rain and about the kiss and about how he pulled away and told her he couldn't love her. He told them it wasn't fair. Because it wasn't.

As he told them about Lily running to him in the infirmary, he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. As he told them about Lily, and how she made him feel things he didn't want to feel, his friends nodded seriously. The more words came out of his mouth, the more his anxiety dissolved into nothingness.

He told them about Lily and about how he couldn't imagine spending his life with anybody else. He told them about Lily and his friends listened.

After what felt like hours – but really couldn’t have been more than a few minutes - James finally fell silent. Made self-conscious by the intense stare of his three friends, he squirmed uncomfortably.

“All that, huh?” said Sirius after a while.

“More or less,” said James, and he smiled.

Behind him, the portrait hole slid open and three girls made their way into the common room. Peter's face lit up upon seeing Mary, who smiled and waved at him timidly.

“Come over here,” said Peter, loud enough so that his squeaky voice carried all the way to the other side of the common room. “I've just told them.”

Looking delighted, Mary skipped towards the fireplace around which the boys had gathered, Lily and Marlene two steps behind. Appalled, Remus extended his long leg and kicked Peter in the chin, while James desperately tried to disappear inside the couch.

_Why would you invite them here?_ he mouthed to Peter. 

_Why not?_ Peter gestured back, as Mary sat next to him on the arm of his armchair. 

Because Sirius and Remus occupied the smaller couch, Lily and Marlene found themselves with nowhere to sit but  the two empty spots  on either side of James on the couch . Lily sat on his left, the s ea t closest to the fire, and Marlene sat on his right. In front of them, Sirius was trying so hard not to laugh his shoulders were twitching and his face had turned bright red. 

Abandoning his efforts to render himself wandlessly invisible, James decided to stay completely still, in the hopes that if he didn't move, maybe neither of the girls would need to acknowledge his presence.  Lily was way too close to him, and suddenly the fireplace felt like a blazing inferno.  His heart was beating so fast, it could have burst out of his chest.

“So it's official?” asked Marlene, and Peter and Mary looked at each other lovingly before nodding.

“Wow,” said Lily, blissfully unaware of the fire consuming James from the inside out, a few centimetres from her. “I can't believe we're now officially affiliated with the Marauders.” 

“What, you thought you could all resist our rugged charms forever?” said Sirius with a wink.

Lily blushed and James tried to murder Sirius with his eyes  while the others laughed.  Mary put her arm around Peter and slid down the arm of the chair to sit on his lap.  They looked so happy. James had never seen such a smile on his friend's face. 

“So how long has this been going on?” asked Sirius, pointing an accusatory finger to the couple.

“Few weeks,” replied Peter. He had not once looked away from Mary ever since she had sat down.

Sirius dropped his hand and discreetly squeezed Remus's knee before crossing his arms against his chest. Suddenly, James felt really lonely. He was the only one  left  in the Marauders with no hand to hold, and no one to kiss. 

He became uncomfortably aware of Lily's hand on her thigh, way too close to his. His skin would brush against hers if he moved just a millimetre. On his right, Marlene shifted slightly to cross her legs. James stood still.

“How come you only told them now?” asked Lily, motioning to the smaller couch where Sirius and Remus were sitting. “Mary told us right away!”

Peter squirmed awkwardly while James and Remus exchanged a panicked look, unsure of what to do. Peter's poor excuse would not sit well with Lily and Mary.

“He knew we would tease him for dating a girl taller than him,” answered Sirius almost immediately.

Peter shot him a grateful look Sirius dismissed with a discreet wave of the hand.

“Well that's just silly!” exclaimed Mary, smiling at Peter. “There's not a lot of girls our age that are shorter than you! You were bound to date someone taller!”

“That's what I've been telling him for years!” said Remus, and his exasperated expression made them all laugh.

Somehow, the girl's presence inside their group felt natural. James knew Mary the least, but after talking to her for a few minutes, she appeared to be nothing less than funny and straight-forward. When he looked away from her, he saw Marlene telling Remus about her brother's work in the Ministry, and Lily and Sirius getting along fantastically to everyone's surprise, bonding over something called the Rolling Stones. From the information James had gotten from Sirius over the summer, the Rolling Stones were a Muggle band and not actual moving pebbles, which James found to be pretty confusing. Sirius had just received their last album for his birthday, a gift from his cousin Andromeda, and Lily was questioning him about his favourite song.

“ _If you really want to be my friend_ , obviously!”

“No way! _Time waits for no one_ is clearly the best!”

“Second favourite. But it's really close. You have taste, Evans.”

“Are you kidding? I had no idea wizards listened to Muggle music!” said Lily. She looked as though she was seeing Sirius for the first time. James smiled at the surprise visible in her eyes.

“It is excellent, and it has the sweet advantage of pissing off my dear parents, what is there not to like?”

Lily laughed and James painfully tore his eyes from her. He looked over their heterogeneous group, and their young smiles, and their young love. They were beautiful.

“Doesn't it feel...,” started Mary. “Doesn't it feel meant to be?”

James looked at her and saw she knew exactly how he felt.

“Peter and I just started dating, but Lily and Remus have been friends for years now,” Mary continued. “And who knows what kind of new bullshit is going on with those three clowns,” she said, pointing at the couch where James, Lily and Marlene were sitting. “And all of us have been attending at least one Quidditch practice a week, because two of us play. I mean, isn't it funny? We're all Gryffindors, we're all in the same year, and we've known each other for so long. We're all talented and we're all gorgeous, there really is no point in being divided, not in times like these.” She paused and looked at Peter, who smiled at her longingly. “Besides, I've always thought our two groups were bound to unite at some point, didn't you?”

James couldn't help himself but look at Lily. The flames were casting a dazzling glow on her freckled skin. James moved a millimetre and his hand brushed against hers.

Her smile was twice as wide as his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! And i know it was two chapters in one weekend, but the first one was short and I did say there would be one chapter every Sunday!! Thank you all for reading and telling me what you think!!


	35. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions of blood in this chapter! in case this upsets anyone!

The wolf had been restless that night. Angry.

From sundown to sunrise, the stag's ears had picked up on disgruntled sounds in the distance. Other wolves howling. Predators. His heart had beaten franticly inside his chest. Everything in his body had told him to run and to hide. The only thing that kept him on track had been the wolf, his wolf, and the overwhelming certainty he needed to protect.

The big black dog at his side had appeared just as frightened, but had been twice as brave. On several occasions the wolf had escaped their control and tried to run towards the sounds. Each of those times, the dog had derailed it, his powerful jaw firmly clasped around the wolf's neck. They had fought all night. The smell of blood had filled the forest.

In the deer's head, there was a distant memory of feeling free. If such a time had ever existed, it was long gone. This deer only knew blood and fear.

James too, at sunrise, when he rose from the ground, panting after coming back to his own body. As if nothing else existed, he rushed to the other side of the Shrieking Shack, where a dark motionless form was laying.

“Sirius,” he whispered and it sounded like a sob.

The black dog was just finishing his transformation and soon enough a wizard laid in his place. His face was so white and his blood so red.

“Sirius,” James repeated because he didn't know how to say anything else, because he didn't know what else to do, his feeble hands unable to contain the red liquid pouring from his brother's wounds.

Had it been a second or a hundred he couldn't tell, everything was red, from his hands and his robes to the ground he knelt on.

“Peter, my wand!” he yelled finally, as words started coming back to him and his animal instinct died down. “PETER!”

The lack of response made him turn, a quick look above his shoulder. Peter was kneeling in front of something James couldn't quite make out. The only thing visible from where he stood was golden brown curls and blood. More blood.

Without a word, Peter tossed his own wand to James, who let it slip in between his fingers. The blood made everything slippery. His hands were shaking so much he struggled picking the wand up from the ground.

“ _Vulnera Sanentur_ ,” he said finally, and his trembling voice resonated in the silence of the room. 

The gash in his friend's thigh slowly started to disappear as the spell operated, and the long cut on the back of his neck stopped bleeding. Sirius's hair was dripping with blood. James carefully pushed it away from the wound before it closed.

“ _Tergeo._ ”

The wand siphoned off most of the blood on Sirius's face. His cheeks were slowly starting to regain some colour but he still looked incredibly pale.

As mindfully as he possibly could with his shaky hands, James patted down Sirius's chest, unsure of what to look for. Quickly enough, he felt a bump under the skin, right above the stomach. Broken rib.

“Sirius,” he half-whispered half-sobbed, but his brother's eyes remained closed. He was paler than he had ever been, and if it was not for his slow, irregular breathing, James would have thought him lifeless. Angrily wiping the tears from his cheeks with his bloody palms, James cursed himself for having picked Advanced Transfiguration. He didn't know how to mend bones. Healing spells were taught in 7th year, in Advanced Charms.

He exhaled shakily. Remus took Advanced Charms. He had had a manual opened on his bedside table for weeks now, and he often read it out loud to calm Sirius after one of his nightmares. James tried to remember how his soothing voice echoed in the dorm late at night, when it was dark and they thought everyone to be asleep.

 _T_ _he_ _Bandaging Charm_ _is used for easing the pain as well as to_ _bandage broken_ _bones._ _Ferula is Latin for "rod" and refers to a genus of plants belonging to the carrot family._

_I didn't know carrots had families._

_Shut up and go back to sleep_ _Sirius_ _, I'm not go_ _nna_ _read this all night._

In spite of everything, James smiled and reaffirmed his grip on the wand. His hand wasn't so shaky any more.

“ _Ferula_ ,” he said, and bandages spun up Sirius's chest, tightly wrapping around his torso. 

Almost immediately, his breathing returned to normal, and with  a few fluttering of the eyelids, his grey eyes opened. Looking profusely confused, Sirius sat up in the puddle of his own blood while James abandoned all principles and collapsed in his arms.

“You scared the fuck out of me,” he said, burying his face in his friend's neck to hide his tears.

“That's what friends are for,” replied Sirius weakly. “How's Moony?”

“He's fine,” Peter's voice rose from behind them. “But we need to go, Madam Pomfrey will be here any minute now.”

In one swift movement, he threw the cloak over James and Sirius, transformed back into a rat to take as little space as possible and slid into James' pocket. They left the Shack slowly. Sirius was barely able to walk by himself and James supported him, one arm under his shoulder, the entire way.

“What was it?” said Sirius, panting from the effort. “That noise in the forest. It drove Moony mad.”

“Other wolves,” replied James shortly.

“Greyback? What would he be doing so close to Hogwarts?”

A particularly steep step drew a wince out of Sirius and they had to pause for a few seconds for him to catch his breath.

“I don't want to think about it,” whispered James.

Never had he so desperately wanted to be wrong, but he knew those hunger-filled cries too well. They tugged at his heart and filled his mind with fears he couldn't possibly ignore. Werewolves had started to join You-know-who in masses, it was everywhere in the papers. What if they were here for Remus? What if they knew about the werewolf at Hogwarts and wanted, needed a new recruit? One that had access to the beds of hundreds of student? Most importantly, what would happen when Remus would refuse to join them? James couldn't bring himself to think about it. He put that thought away, locked it up in a remote corner of his brain and promised himself to deal with it another day.

He had more pressing matter to attend.

“You need to go to the infirmary. Your rib is still broken.”

Sirius groaned. The dark circles under his eyes were underlined by the absence of blood in his face. He looked incredibly tired and sick and James looked away. He couldn't bear to see his friend in pain.

“We can't,” Sirius articulated with difficultly. “Unless you find a way to explain how I managed to break a rib and drain myself of my blood in my sleep, in which case by all means.”

“Sirius,” said James for what felt like the hundredth time since the sun had rose. “You can't go to class like this.”

“I also can't tell anyone I was a dog in the Forbidden Forest last night, can I?”

James sighed. There was no reasoning with him.

“Fine. Come with us to the first class. Then I'll take you to the infirmary and we can just say you fell down the stairs on your way to Charms.”

For a moment, Sirius looked like he was going to refuse, but another difficult step drew a wince out of him and he nodded.

It took them a while to reach their dorm and change into new robes. It was so hard for Sirius to move that James had to help him get dressed while Peter threw quills and manuals haphazardly in their school bags. They were already so late they couldn't afford to go down to the Hall and grab a quick breakfast.

James was so ravenous after an entire night of running around the forest, he worried for a second he might not make it through the morning. Then he took a look at Sirius and his hair drenched in sweat and the way he was holding his side, and suddenly he didn't feel so hungry any more.

They arrived in Potions twenty minutes late. Letting go of Sirius at the last possible second, James made the most dramatic entrance possible, so all eyes would be on him and so no one would see Sirius hobble to his table.

Mary laughed as James strutted confidently towards the desk he shared with Peter, and he clearly saw Lily repressing a smile next to her. Slughorn barely flinched at the arrival of the three boys, accepting James' grandiloquent apology with a wave of the hand. Only Snape, sat in the back corner of the room, looked livid.

James rocked on his chair and smiled in his direction. Exaggerated arrogance was the only way he knew to fight back the anxiety eating away at his lungs. From the corner of his eye, he could see Sirius's hand clutched on his chest, his knuckles turning white at every breath he took in.

“Fun night with your queer friends, Potter?” whispered Snape, and his cold voice carried all the way to James.

“Don't you wish you could have joined?” he answered with a wink, pretending the insinuation had not sent chills down his spine. Snape was perfectly aware that it had been a full moon and James' nails dug into his palms when he wondered about what else Snape knew.

They could be expelled. They could be sent to Azkaban if anyone learned they were unregistered Animagus. And how would they be able to protect Remus then? Who would take his hand at sundown, seconds before the wolf consumed him? Who would hold him at sunrise, when the night had been long and the wolf too strong?

They couldn't leave him. They would not. Whatever Snape thought he might know, they would have to deal with.

During the entire class, James did everything to draw the attention to him. Whether it was loud snarky comments or unnecessary questions he already knew the answers to, everything to keep his classmates and teacher from noticing the blood slowly dripping down Sirius's neck, forming a puddle under his chair. The wound had reopened and James could do nothing but watch from afar. Every second that went by was a punch to his stomach.

Why didn't he insist on taking Sirius to the infirmary right away? Why was he so selfish he couldn't get himself to get up and take him now? Did he really have to be so cowardly, so afraid of the consequences?

When the bell finally rang, James sprung out of his seat. Sirius was already getting up, and Peter offered him a helpful hand while James gathered all their stuff into their school bags. Pretending to tie his shoelace, he knelt to the ground to rapidly clean up the blood that had accumulated at the bottom of the chair.

“Go quickly, I'll catch up with you,” he said to his friends.

Peter valiantly supported Sirius's weight as they stepped out of the classroom. By the time it took James to siphon the blood from under the desk and get up, the room had emptied completely. Only one student was left and it was not one James wanted to see.

“Not so fast, Potter,” said Snape.

He had extended his arm across the doorway, blocking it completely. Too far to be of any help, James was forced to watch Sirius disappear up the stairs, limping miserably all the way.

“Move your arm,” he said calmly. He didn't want to provoke an unnecessary argument which would take up too much of his time. He needed to know Remus was okay, and he had to help Sirius get to the infirmary. There was no way small Peter would be able to carry tall, lanky Sirius for so long.

“As soon as you explain this.”

Snape hold up a crumpled piece of parchment on which James recognized his own handwriting. The letter of apology he written during his first detention had found its way to its recipient.

“This is an apology,” James said simply, before trying to force his way through Snape's blockage.

Snape shoved him off violently, visibly annoyed at the answer.

“Let me go!” said James loudly. “I need to go!”

“An apology? Or some kind of elaborate way to mock me? Or see, that's what I would think if you were not too dense to come up with anything relatively intelligent. Who put you up to this, huh? Was it Lupin? He's the only one of your little group who's not lacking brains. Too bad he's an animal.”

Incapable of controlling himself any longer, James jumped at Snape's throat. For a second, he forgot all about magic. He simply wanted to hurt him as much as possible, to make him bleed just as much as Sirius and Remus had bled. He got a few punches in before Snape shook off the surprise and replicated. Under a white skinny fist, blood filled James' mouth.

There was a loud bang and they were suddenly projected away from each other. James' back hit a nearby table and the pain shot up his spine, reverberating in each of his bones. Lily had her wand drawn and was standing in between the two of them. James noticed with satisfaction that Snape was on the floor and that his nose was bleeding.

“James, what the fuck?” Lily was looking at James as if he was a completely different person than the messy haired boy she had come to know.

James wiped the blood dripping from his split lip with his sleeve.

“Stay out of this, Evans.”

“Don't tell me what to do.”

Her tone was cold and her eyes ice. Despite the circumstances, despite the anger and fear spiralling into James' head, he couldn't help but notice she had come back for him. She hadn't seen him leave the classroom and she had been worried enough to come look for him.

“And you,” she continued, turning to Snape. “Are you really so desperate for a fight that you'll find the absolute most innocent thing James has ever done and make it all about you and your compulsive need to be disliked? Are you really this insecure? James is working on being a better person, you should take a page out of his book sometimes!”

Snape's expression was undecipherable, but one thing in his attitude was clear. He had never had to face Lily's wrath before. He lifted his chin defiantly.

“That's what he wants you to think!” he spat. “He's just trying to get in your pants like he always has!”

“No, he's not.” Lily's voice was so different in that moment, so vulnerable and so quiet. Almost sad.

James barely took the time to register that change, before pulling out his wand and aiming it at Snape, who deviated his Stinging Hex at the last second. He replicated immediately and James dived down, seconds before the curse hit the shelf behind him and exploded a glass jar.

“JAMES!” called Lily, and her wand slashed through the air.

There was another loud bang and suddenly both James and Snape's wands escaped their fingers and flew directly to Lily's outstretched hand. James jumped to his feet, ignoring the pain. Snape was no longer blocking the way.

“Just let him waste his breath!” said Lily. She sounded distressed and no longer calm and composed like she had been, as she watched James run to the door of the classroom. “Why do you care so much?”

James came to a stop at the doorway and turned to her. Blood was running down his chin from his split lip but he couldn't be bothered to wipe it.

“Oh for fuck's sake Lily, you know why!” he said, too loud and too angrily, but his blood was boiling and there was nothing else he could do.

“No, I don't!”

Silence settled in the deserted room. Even Snape, still on the ground, seemed to understand just how important the moment was, and made no movement, no sound.

James looked straight at Lily. She knew, she had to know. She had to know just how far he would go to defend her. She had to know he would do anything for her. She had to know just how much he loved her. In this moment, he didn't have to say anything, his eyes spoke for him.

James looked straight at Lily and her lips parted with surprise as she understood what he didn't say.

“Still?” Her voice was a whisper.

“Always,” he said softly, before running out the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	36. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much to everyone who has read this far, you cannot know how happy kudos and comments make me!! You are all always so kind and it means the world to me! Hope you enjoy this chapter!!

James burst into the infirmary like Lily had done only a few weeks prior. He had run all the way from the dungeons and could barely breathe through his anxiety. Sirius was already laying in a hospital bed near a window and the school nurse was bent over him.

James felt his heart drop inside his chest. He approached the foot of the bed and wrapped his arm around Peter's shoulders. Sirius looked barely conscious and there was an empty vial of Sleeping Draught on the bedside side table.

“What happened to him?” asked Madam Pomfrey, without even turning to the two boys.

James found himself incapable to say a word, the knot in his throat growing bigger each second he spent looking at his friend. Sirius looked so pale.

“He was attacked by a dog,” said Peter quickly. “Big black dog, dragged him down the stairs.”

If the nurse was sceptical about that answer, she didn't let it show. She nodded gravely and pushed Sirius's hair out of his face in a maternal gesture.

“Poor lamb. I will be sure to mention this to Dumbledore. There should not be such a dangerous animal on school grounds, this is unacceptable.”

Impressed by Peter's quick thinking, James nodded seriously. This excuse was actually believable. Sirius's dog form had been spotted multiple times in the past year and had become a bit of a myth amongst students. This had a lot to do with Sirius taking great pleasure in leaving paw prints in places where a dog shouldn't logically have access to, and eating the homework of people he didn't like.

“He's gonna be okay, right?” asked Peter. Grateful, James squeezed his shoulder. He was still incapable to speak but he desperately needed an answer to this question.

“I would like to keep him all day and possibly over night, depending on how his rib heals,” answered the nurse. “I'm sorry boys, I know this isn't what you want to hear. Especially since your other friend, Mr. Lupin isn't feeling so great himself.”

Absent-mindedly, she looked across the room, where a bed was surrounded by drawn curtains. James felt like crying. The curtains were usually always open after a full moon. In that moment, the drawn curtains felt like a closed casket.

Thinking about Remus finally gave James enough strength to push through the knot in his throat.

“How is he?” he asked, and his voice cracked.

The nurse finished tucking Sirius into bed and turned to James for the first time since he had arrived. Her eyes widened with shock.

“What happened to your face?” she said, rushing to his side and forcefully tilting up his chin.

Alarmed, Peter almost broke his neck to see James' face, and stepped away from him with a horrified expression.

James suddenly remembered his busted lip and the warm blood dripping down his face onto his robes. He had been so worried about his friends he had forgotten about his own pain.

“I fell,” he grumbled, gently pushing the nurse away. “I'm fine.”

Madam Pomfrey drew her wand and wordlessly repaired his split lip and cleaned the blood off his face and clothes.

“You four certainly have a talent for trouble,” she sighed. “I don't know how it still manages to surprise me, after all these years.”

“How is Moony?” repeated James, louder this time. He didn't have the energy to protest and tell her how unfair the whole situation was. They didn't deserve to spend so much time in the infirmary, they didn't deserve to spend so much time in pain, and they certainly did not want to.

“Mr. Lupin is fine. He's had a tough night but for now he just needs some rest. The same goes for Mr. Black,” she added before James could even ask. “Now, I know you are worried about your friends but you do have classes to attend. You can both come by and visit them at lunch, but I'm afraid you cannot stay here.”

Her tone was severe and would accept no refusal. She looked tired, James noticed. But then again, everyone looked tired these days. The war was taking a toll on everybody, the young like the old, the scared like the brave.

James decided to leave before she changed her mind entirely and tried to keep him all day. The pain in his lip was completely gone. Following Peter, he turned to the doors then stopped dead in his tracks. Lily was leaning against a pillar near the exit.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

James shook off the surprise and walked past her through the great wooden doors before immobilising in the middle of the empty hallway. Lily followed him and stopped a few feet away from him, staring at him intensely. Peter, made visibly uncomfortable by the entire situation, squirmed next to James.

“I need to get to Charms,” he said quickly, and left without looking back. His precipitated footsteps echoed in the quiet corridor.

James didn't move. He didn't know what to say to Lily, he didn't know why she was here. But he knew that he would never be able to take back what he had said to her last. And he was not ready to deal with the consequences.

“Skipping class, Potter?” she asked, with a half-smile. She looked amused more than anything.

“As if you were not doing exactly the same thing, Evans.”

Far from looking embarrassed, Lily tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. She was breathtaking.

“Why are you here?” James continued. He still couldn’t make sense of her presence in the infirmary and he didn't know what she had heard. Madam Pomfrey had the incredible advantage to not ask many questions, but Lily was too curious not to link everything together.

She could be their downfall, James realized, and suddenly it was hard to breathe. Maybe it wouldn't be Snape that would turn them in after all.

“I followed you,” she answered in a steady voice. She was looking straight at him and James was forced to avert his gaze to quiet down his heart.

“Why?”

“We were...” started Lily. She frowned and titled her head, trying to get him to look at her. “We were talking. You kinda ran away. Besides, you forgot this.”

She stepped closer to him and handed him his wand. Their fingers brushed slightly when James took it back from her, and he couldn't help but notice that it looked a lot like she had done it on purpose. She was still holding Snape's wand in her other hand, which reassured James a little. She trusted him more than she did her ex-best friend and that had to mean something.

“I didn't run away,” said James, but his voice rang weak even in his ears. “I needed to know Sirius was okay.”

“See, that's interesting,” said Lily, taking another step forward. “How did you know he was hurt? He left way before you did, but you still went straight from the dungeons to the hospital wing.”

“Instinct.”

James took a step back. Lily didn't look convinced by his answer and he couldn't blame her. There was a worried crease in between her eyebrows and she was staring at James as if she was trying to read his thoughts.

“Why can't you tell me?” she asked quietly. “Does it have anything to do with Remus?”

James felt the blood drain from his face. She knew. How could she not? He inhaled shakily and took another step back.

“No! No, of course not! Remus is just sick.”

“Right.” Lily had a sad smile. Her eyes didn't bear their usual light. James tried to guess what she was thinking because there was nothing else for him to do. Maybe she was starting to realize that a messy haired boy in askew glasses wasn't worth her time. Or maybe she was just tired of being lied to.

“Are they gonna be okay?” she asked, but to James, too caught up in his anxiety, it felt more like a formality than a question awaiting an answer.

He nodded slowly. And he tried to say yes, he really did. He tried to say they would be fine, that they would be out and about in no time. But the words wouldn't come out of his mouth.

He remembered the disgruntled sounds in the forest and the terror of the stag and the dark. He remembered the yelps of pain the wolf had let out, just hours ago in the dead of night, and he remembered how the floor boards in the Shack had soaked up Sirius's blood. He could not unsee the way the pain had tore through his friends. No matter how hard he tried, the images were stuck in his brain.

He tried to say they would be okay but he didn't believe it. How could he? Sirius had looked so small in that hospital bed, and the curtains drawn around Remus had felt like tape around a crime scene.

It took him a while to realize he was crying. They were not okay, none of them were. How could they be, when death hovered above England, above their families and their lives? They would die. They would all die. Not today nor tomorrow, but they would. How many chances did they have to survive an endless war that had caused so many deaths already?

It took him a while to realize he was kneeling on the floor. Nothing felt real, not even the ground under him. Nothing felt real but his thoughts, his incredibly real and vivid thoughts, and the blood on his hands, the blood on his hands he could not see but he could feel, Sirius's blood fell from in between his fingers and no matter how hard he scraped his hands together the blood, the very real blood, would not go.

He couldn't tell what was real. If the heart-wrenching howling of the wolves was inside his head or echoing in the hallway.

He felt like he was falling. He tried to breathe but the air was not travelling all the way to his lungs. The fear was suffocating him.

There was an echo inside his head. A voice softer than his own.

_They will be okay. You're okay. Everything is okay._

It took him a while to realize that Lily was talking to him. That her arms were wrapped around him. His face was buried in her hair and he focused on her warm embrace until the panic settled inside his chest. The smell of apples brought him back to reality.

Lily was stroking his hair gently, whispering words and promises. He didn't know how long it had been, but his eyes hurt from crying. He pulled away from her and wiped a tear with his sleeve.

He would have been mortified if he was not so afraid. His hands were still shaking.

“Are you okay?” whispered Lily, keeping her hands on his shoulders.

James nodded faintly and leaned forward again, pressing his forehead against hers. They were too close, they were way too close but for once James didn't care. She soothed his racing heart. Her touch made him breath again. She was the sunlight that parted his clouds and nothing in the world was warmer than her palms on his cheeks, wiping his tears.

“They will be okay. Everything is okay,” she repeated.

James nodded again. She was right. Like always. Her words eased a pain that had been burning inside him for too long.

“Thank you, Evans,” he whispered.

“Any time, Potter.”

Her words were drowned in the sound of the bell, and before they could even move, the hallway filled with students. Before anyone could see them, so close together on the cold stone ground, they both jumped to their feet. Lily smoothed her skirt and James tried his hardest to look like he hadn't been crying, but no one really looked at them. Everyone was too caught up in their own preoccupations to pay attention to two blushing teenagers.

Everyone, at the exception of one boy, standing still in a sea of students. Snape was looking straight at them, his fists clenched so hard his knuckles were white. The hatred in his eyes pierced through James skull. They looked at each other for a fraction of second, and suddenly he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!! Let me know what you think!! <3


	37. Christmas

The first few weeks of December had gone by so fast James wasn't sure they had happened at all. The beginning of winter had left a cold blanket of snow on the castle's grounds and the forest, and everything outside was white and quiet.

Inside of the Gryffindor common room, loud conversations and the sound of the crackling fireplace cohabited with a smell of gingerbread and holidays. It would be James' first Christmas away from home.

His parents had sent him a letter explaining why Sirius and him could not come back. They were working with Dumbledore and their house would apparently be occupied by a lot of strangers coming in and out for the holidays. They had concluded by saying Hogwarts was safer anyway, which was something a lot of parents seemed to have agreed on. Never had Hogwarts been this full during the Christmas season.

Peter had exchanged long letters of negotiation with his parents, who had agreed to let him stay, and although James felt a bit sad he would not spend the holidays at home, he was cheered up by the fact that the Marauders would celebrate Christmas together for the first time ever.

Of course, because Peter was staying, Mary was too, and as a logical consequence Marlene and Lily were also spending the holidays at Hogwarts. James would be lying if he said he was unfazed by that fact.

He hadn't told anyone about how he had broken down in front of the infirmary, not even Sirius. Only Lily knew the full extent of his anxiety and she had not mentioned it to him, although it was most likely due to a lack of opportunity than to a lack of motivation on her part.

He was terrified she would try to talk to him about it.

Ever since that morning when he had collapsed in her arms, he had done everything he could to avoid being alone with her, which would have been easy if she wasn't monitoring his detentions once a week. He had not gone to the last three, always finding last minutes excuses he knew she didn't believe.

Surprisingly enough, she still hadn't confronted him about it and James even suspected her to cover for him in front of McGonagall.

Even though they had not been alone together since then, they did see each other a lot. Mary and Peter were inseparable and everywhere Mary went, Lily and Marlene followed. The girls had been an unexpectedly valuable addition to the Marauder's group, and most of their time spent in the common room was spent together.

Last night, on Christmas Eve, they all had had dinner together and Lily had sat so close to James during the Feast that they kept accidentally elbowing each other. They had laughed together at Peter's insatiable appetite. They had talked about a thousand things and more, and after a while Mary had joined Lily to teach James everything about Muggles' holiday traditions.

On Christmas morning, James laid in bed, while the last evening still echoed in his head. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily, and the way she tossed her hair over her shoulder when she laughed. He had sat so close to her he had noticed the freckles on her nose for the first time.

James closed his eyes and tried to engrave her details in his memory. He would never allow himself to forget the warmth of her palms on his cheeks when she had wiped his tears.

“Merry Christmas!” Peter's voice suddenly filled the quiet dorm room and the curtains around James' bed swung open brutally, revealing dishevelled blond curls. “Get up Prongs, presents!”

James would never get tired of seeing Peter's wide smile and childlike excitement. He watched the small boy hop the other side of the room, where's Sirius's curtains were drawn, and all of a sudden, his fondness was replaced with dread.

“Peter, wait!”

His warning came too late, and before he could do anything to stop it, Peter stood in front of a barely awake Remus, snuggled up in Sirius's arms. From his bed, James saw Peter's back visibly straighten and tense up. The small boy took a step back, and the blood drained from his face.

Realising the full extent of the situation, Remus jolted awake and sat upright on the bed, his sudden movement waking Sirius. Peter had a last look at the two of them, then took another step back before leaving the room without a word.

“Oh no,” said Remus in a raspy voice.

He jumped to his feet and got dressed in a hurry. Sirius and James imitated him quietly, none of them daring to speak, too engulfed in the dread they shared.

Together, they rushed to the common room, where Peter had sat in an armchair near the fireplace. Mary was already on his lap with an arm around his shoulders. Lily and Marlene were sat on either side of the small Christmas tree James had transfigured the night before. Bright packages and presents in all shapes and sizes were gathered in a pile at the foot of the tree.

Lily was leaning against the couch, with her knees close to her chest. She was holding a mug in between her palms and blowing softly on the hot liquid. James feared he might never be able to take his eyes off her. She was gorgeous in an oversized Christmas sweater, but then again, she was gorgeous in anything she wore.

“What have you guys done to poor Pete?” asked Mary as she noticed the rest of the Marauders joining them. “He looks traumatized!”

Sirius and Remus shifted uncomfortably and James cleaned his throat before sitting on the couch next to Lily.

Peter still looked pale but James could tell he was slowly coming back to his senses from the way he clasped at Mary's waist. James cleaned his throat again, in a desperate attempt to make his friend look at him, so he could give him a sign, or some way to let him know he couldn't say anything. But Peter kept staring at the rug, and didn't give any indication he had seen his friends arrive.

“Remus and Sirius are gay,” he blurred out, and James bit his lip so hard he thought he might bleed.

Sirius silently collapsed on the couch next to him. Remus stood so still he didn't look to be breathing.

Lily tugged a strand of her hair behind her ear and looked up at Peter, unaware of the palpable tension in the three boys.

“Well, it can't be that much of a surprise to you, can it?”

James turned to her so fast he almost broke his neck. Lily didn't look the least bit surprised at the news, and was very calmly turning her mug in between her hands.

“Remus told me last year,” she shrugged, as a response to James' astonished look.

“You, I understand. What I'm confused about is why those two don't look surprised,” said Sirius, pointing at Mary and Marlene.

Next to James, Lily curled up in her seat to take as little space as possible, while Mary and Marlene roared with laughter.

“Let's just say,” started Mary, wiping tears of joy from her eyes. “That our perfect prefect here absolutely cannot keep secrets after one or two glasses of Firewhisky.”

Amused, James watched Lily's cheeks turn a lovely pink colour as she hid behind her palms.

“I'm so sorry guys.”

“Lily!” exclaimed Remus, swatting the top of her head gently. “I trusted you!”

“Oh no, don't worry, that's not even the most surprising thing we learned,” began Mary, looking at Lily with an enigmatic smile.

“Shut up,” interrupted Lily, who was now blushing furiously and covering her face with her hands. “Don't you dare.”

James feared for a second she could have told them about him, and his panic attack in front of the infirmary, but quickly rationalized. She was way too tactful to ever mention it to her friends, and besides, she was blushing so hard it could only be something extremely personal to her.

In his armchair, Peter was shaking his head in disbelief, still staring blankly at the rug until Mary pinched his cheek.

“Oh, don't be so dramatic! Why can't you be happy for your friends? It's Christmas, not a time for sulking!”

Peter turned to her and smiled slightly. He seemed desirous to move past this conversation, so they did. Marlene turned to the miniature Christmas tree in front of them and pointed to the presents underneath it.

“Are we gonna open those or what?”

“Yes!” exclaimed Peter, leaning forward so fast he almost knocked Mary off his lap. “I've been waiting forever for this.”

As this year was particularly special and the first holidays they would all spend together, Mary had convinced all of them to honour a Muggle tradition. At the beginning of the month, they all had drawn names out of a hat, which told them which of their friends they would give a present to.

James had to admit he didn't like the concept, as he loved nothing more than to shower every single one of his friends with presents, but Lily had looked excited about the idea, so he went along with it.

“I'm first!” called Sirius as he leaned to grab the package bearing his name. “Firstly, no one dotted the 'i's in 'Sirius' with hearts, so I know it's definitely not Prongs.”

“You know me so well,” James winked.

Smiling, Sirius tore through the wrapping paper to reveal two albums by the Muggle band he loved, the one James could never remember the name of, no matter how hard he tried. Lily smiled shyly and her eyes widened as Sirius pulled her into a tight hug.

Everyone else laughed at the blush coming back to her cheeks, and she patted Sirius's back awkwardly.

“We need to discuss _Let it bleed_ once you get a chance to listen to it. I can't keep talking to you about the same album, it was getting ridiculous.”

“Thank you, Evans.”

“You're welcome.”

They parted and James erased his goofy smile from his face before either of them saw it. He had never dared to dream that Lily and Sirius would one day get along. In more ways than one, it felt like a miracle.

“My turn!” he called, to prevent himself from getting too emotional.

He grabbed his gift, which was the smallest of the pile. Without giving it any thought, he tore through the wrapping as an excellent imitation of Sirius, and pulled out a small golden ball, which opened paper-thin wings.

“Your own Snitch,” said Marlene with a fond smile. “So you can stop stealing the school ones because I am done having to Accio them out of your pockets at the end of every practice.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” said James innocently. “This sounds like criminal activity, which is something I would _never_ partake in,” he insisted, with an exaggerated wink at Lily and the shining prefect badge on her chest.

“Oh, if only this was the only rule-breaking you did!” Lily laughed.

James tried not to stare as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. He tried not to notice her freckles and the soft angle of her jaw. He really tried but he couldn't look away.

She was the light in every room, the very air he breathed.

He averted his gaze when he realized Marlene was looking at them. It would never not be awkward.

They watched everyone else unwrap their presents, too immersed in the moment to even think about breakfast. Remus teared up a little when he saw what James had gotten him: a silver watch that did not give the time, but a perfect map of the stars at any given moment. James had transfigured it so the Sirius star glowed hard enough to outshine the moon.

They talked and they talked for what felt like hours, but mostly they laughed. James realized just how extraordinarily lucky he was to be surrounded by such amazing friends. The fire was burning high in the fire place and everything felt warm and safe.

After a while, the hunger got to them and Peter, back to his normal self, demanded they all got down to the Great Hall for an early lunch. This prompted everyone to get up and happily head to the portrait hole to leave the common room.

“James, would you just... stay behind with me for a minute?” said Lily suddenly.

James felt himself blushed. Sirius wolf-whistled and Mary giggled. Behind them, Marlene was looked straight at James and for the first time in a while, her smile wasn't sad but encouraging. James looked back at Lily and nodded slowly.

The rest of their friends left, reluctantly in Sirius' case, as he desperately wanted to stay. Remus had to drag him away by the hand.

Once the portrait hole had closed and they were sure the group was definitely gone, Lily pulled out a small package from underneath the tree. Looking down, she distractedly brushed aside the pine needles that had fallen on top of it.

She didn't look nearly as confident as a second ago.

“Here,” she said finally, holding out the package to James. “I didn't want to give this to you in front of the others.” She ran a hand through her hair, like she always did when she was embarrassed. The blush in her cheeks was back once more, or maybe it had never left her.

“Lily, I...” started James. “You gave a gift to Sirius already. And Marlene gave me one, so you can't give me one too! I don't think that's how it works!”

Lily avoided his gaze and passed a hand through her hair again.

“Just take it? Please?”

Careful to not accidentally brush his fingers against hers, James held out his hand and took the gift from her. Without saying a word, because he didn't know what to say, he unwrapped the package mindfully and slowly. Inside was a book, and James' heart dropped to his stomach once he read the title: _Generalized Anxiety Disorder: How to Understand it and How to Deal with it_.

Misinterpreting James' silence, Lily spoke up, and her tone was hesitant, as if she was trying to justify herself.

“My mum's a psychiatrist, she though it would help.”

James looked up. Lily was twirling a strand of her hair, twisting it around her finger. The redness in her cheeks brought out her freckles and she looked more adorable than ever. But James was focused on something else.

“You talked to your mother about me?”

Lily opened and closed her mouth, probably realizing the implications of what she had said.

“No! I mean, not... not you in particular. I mean, maybe you in general,” she stuttered, gesturing vaguely in James' direction. “I mean, it was not... I didn't mean...”

He raised his eyebrows at her and couldn't resist smiling at her embarrassment. He had never seen her so flustered before, so really, how could he blame her?

Lily abandoned trying to justify herself and let her hands fall at her side. Her face was almost as red as her hair.

On the other side of the window behind her, the snow fell slowly, on the castle, on the forest, and on a love burning higher than ever before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little Christmas special!! Let me know what you thought of it!! Love you all <3


	38. The doe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm turning 20 tomorrow, so here's the longest chapter so far to celebrate!! And happy New Year's Eve and New Year for those reading along as I post! <3

The first day of the year was humid, windy and terribly cold. But it was a Saturday and it fell on an Hogsmeade weekend, so the Marauders put on several layers of coats and scarves to brave the snow storm. They were to meet the girls at the Three Broomsticks and James couldn't have been more excited.

He had started going back to the detentions he had with Lily, and so far, neither of them had mentioned anything about the book she had gotten him for Christmas. In fact, they had talked about everything but that. Lily was incredibly easy to talk to, and James had rediscovered that with immense pleasure.

When they hung out as a group in the common room, Peter and Mary often disappeared together, and when it was the case, Sirius and Remus imitated them half the time. Then, Marlene always left with a half-muttered excuse, to the library or the Quidditch pitch and like that, James and Lily were left alone.

It was often and James loved it. Lily brought a very different and intricate perspective to things he had never even considered. Their conversations were long and not always happy. She had told him about her sister, who had stopped answering her letters all together. He had told her about his parents, who were getting old, but yet more and more involved in the war.

They had grown closer.

That morning, he just hoped to sit next to her in the crowded pub and to maybe make her laugh. Outside, the cold air was full of promise. The boys laughed the whole way to the small village, running to escape Remus' enchanted snowballs and tripping each other, so much so that they were covered in snow before even arriving to the pub.

“How do I look?” asked James, passing a hand through his hair to chase the snow.

“Like a twat,” replied Sirius, before hitting him in the face with another snowball.

“Stop it!”

James tried to look angry but he couldn't help laughing at the mischievous light in Sirius' eyes. He ruffled up his hair again and tried to clean his face from the snow. There was a lit up window in a nearby joke shop and he used it to check his reflection and make sure his hair was alright. He knew Lily was already waiting for them inside the Three Broomsticks and he had to look dishevelled enough to maintain his image.

As he chased the melted snow from his glasses with a wordless spell, something in the reflection caught his attention. It was behind him, close to the Forest, and when he turned to look at it directly, it was gone.

“Did you guys see that?”

“See what?”

“That!” repeated James, pointing at the border of the Forest, where he would have sworn he had seen something move.

“James, there's nothing there,” said Remus, shaking his head.

“You're not looking in the right place, it's close to that tree over there I think.”

“Prongs, I'm freezing, let's just go,” whined Peter, bouncing up and down on his feet in an attempt to warm up.

“Fine,” said James, keeping his eyes on the tree lines. From a distance, it looked a bit like a stag, but James knew fairly well he was the only deer in this forest. Whatever it was that had moved, he needed to get closer to. “I want to check this out though. You guys go, I'll catch up with you later.”

On any other day, that sentence would have been met with vehement protestations, but on this day, the cold got the better of the Marauders and they left.

“Don't freeze to death,” said Sirius above his shoulder.

“I don't plan to.”

James walked up to the edge of the Forest slowly, impeded by the layer of snow growing gradually thicker. He was staring in between the trees, trying to make out what was emanating such a soft blueish glow. As he got closer, the form became more and more recognizable and more and more familiar.

It did look like a stag, but it didn't have antlers. A doe. Beautiful and majestic, the doe took a few steps back, getting further into the Forest. It didn't run, and it didn't look scared. At the contrary, James felt like it was leading him to something, and he followed the animal past the tree line.

Though the doe was almost see-through and the Forest was dark, James could not have lost it, as its glow became stronger and stronger at each step.

After a while, they came to a stop. They had walked so much Hogsmeade was completely out of sight. James took a shy step forward, holding out his hand to the beautiful animal and immediately as his fingers were about to brush against its nose, the doe vanished into thin air.

The light from the Patronus gone, James found himself alone in the dark.

“ _Lumos_ ,” he whispered. The cold was starting to sink into his bones, and he suddenly realized he had made a mistake by wandering so far into the forest.

“Stay away from her.”

The voice had come from behind James and he spun around, his wand lighting up the shadows surrounding him. Severus Snape was standing in between two trees, his traits distorted by rage, his wand drawn and pointed straight at James.

“Away from who?” repeated James, but as soon as words came out of his mouth he understood.

“Stay away from Lily.”

Snape's voice was dripping hatred. James' heart was racing inside his chest, and he was thinking as fast as he could, trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation without getting injured.

He couldn't believe that the doe, that had been so beautiful and so pure, could have been Snape's. How could someone so evil and hateful produce something so fascinating? But then again, the doe's beauty had only been superficial. It was a lure, that had led him away from everything, closer to danger. And that, that resembled Snape. An innocent exterior but rotten insides.

“She hates you just as much as she hates me,” Snape continued, taking a step forward. “She said it last year, remember? Well, she hasn't changed her mind.”

“Shut up.”

“You think you're such a hero, huh?” Snape turned his wand in between his fingers. His eyes were fixated on James, like a predator having finally cornered his prey. “Strutting around in the corridors. Doing anything so that she would notice you. Well, she's not here to save you now.”

“SHUT UP!”

James' hand was shaking so much the light of his wand flickered, projecting deep and terrifying shadows on Snape's face. He didn't know what to do. The cold was inhibiting his thoughts, his movements.

Something in him, a survival instinct maybe, was yelling at him to disarm Snape as soon as possible, and to run back to the village. But something else, maybe hope, or a blinding trust in the goodness in people, made him lower his wand. He didn't believe Snape was actually going to hurt him. He had been Lily's friend. She must have seen something in him.

“I promise you, I'm not forcing my presence onto Lily,” James said slowly. “If you see us together in the corridors, it's because she decided to walk with me. If you see us sitting next to each other, it's because she decided to sit next to me. I'm not going to stay away from her, because it's her choice whether or not she wants to be with me.”

His voice had become steadier and more self-assured as he pronounced the words. Snape's face twisted into a disgusted wince.

“Liar.”

His wand slashed through the air and James felt his entire body rigidify. Unable to utter a single word, he fell backwards onto the cold hard snow. The shock chased the air out of his lungs. His eyes, wide open, were staring up at the trees tops and he was incapable to move his head and look at Snape. He was incapable to move at all.

There was a cracking sound right next to his hand and James realized with horror that Snape had just stepped on his wand. A sense of dread overcame him as he fought against the binding curse with every muscle in his body. The cold was numbing his feet and hands.

“Better be safe than sorry,” muttered Snape.

“Was that really necessary?”

Another voice rose from further away and it was so familiar it sent shivers down James' spine. Regulus' voice sounded very similar to Sirius'.

“They want to talk to him. And they didn't want him to put up a fight, so yes, Black, it was necessary.”

His words were poison that filled James' blood. He tried to break the curse, to move his fingers, but he was freezing and couldn't tell if it was working. He couldn't feel his arms and legs.

“Call them.”

Snape's voice was colder than the snow.

“Severus, I...”

“Call them.”

James felt Snape move away from him and closer to Regulus. He couldn't see anything but the trees and the snow falling from the sky towards him. Snowflakes were caught in his eyelashes. He thought about Lily.

A loud crack suddenly filled James' ears and he felt another presence with them. Someone he could not see had Apparated close to them.

“Where is he?”

The disembodied voice was feminine and hoarse, but it was the tone of urgency that struck James the most.

“Here,” said Snape, and James felt a shoe digging into his ribs. He could barely feel the pain, the cold numbing every part of his body one by one.

There was another loud crack, then another, then another. Dark figures appeared in his eye line, gathering around him. James felt like he was looking up from the bottom of his grave. He started to consider the possibility that he might die.

“Doesn't look special to me. Hard to believe the Dark Lord wants him.”

James tried to make sense of the words he was hearing but the cold had got to his brain and everything sounded distant. The body binding spell made it hard to breathe and his vision was severely impaired by dark spots that wouldn't stop expanding.

A woman leaned over him and pushed the hood off her head, revealing a mass of black curls and a familiar face James didn't want to see. Bellatrix looked awfully similar to Sirius.

“Do you know, Potter boy, just how privileged you are?” she said and the sweetness in her voice was so fake it felt like venom. James was forced to stare into her dead eyes. “The Dark Lord thinks you would make a perfect addition to His followers. A powerful pureblood like you. Surely, you know there is no better alternative.”

She smiled, and James saw her exactly as she was. The dangerous blood-thirsty monster that had taken so much pleasure in torturing Sirius during every family gathering. His rage gave him the strength he needed to battle the spell, and he managed to part his lips ever so slightly.

“Rather... die,” he uttered, as loudly as he could, but it came out as a whisper. His lungs were desperate for air.

Bellatrix raised a haughty eyebrow and the muscles in her jaw visibly clenched.

“If that is your wish,” she started and she raised her wand.

James' heart skipped a beat. He gave a last thought to Sirius and his parents, and the overwhelming love he had for his family. He thought about Remus and Peter and how much he would miss them. He thought about Lily. The pines above him were just as green as her eyes and he thought he wouldn't mind dying in such a beautiful sight.

“Wait!” exclaimed Snape, and he rushed to Bellatrix's side, coming back into James' eye line. “He doesn't deserve such a quick death. Leave him to freeze in the snow, it'll be much slower.”

“I like how you think,” said Bellatrix, lowering her wand. “I'll mention you to Him.”

She turned abruptly and her long cloak projected specks of snow on James' face.

“Show us the way to the village. It's time we have a little fun.”

It had to be a nightmare. It couldn't be real.

Death Eaters stepped over James' immobile body as if he was nothing but another log in the immense forest. He heard them walk away. He heard their voices, too human and for most of them too familiar, and he heard the crunching of the snow under each of their steps. He heard them head towards Hogsmeade, where his friends were gathered, innocent and unaware.

There was nothing he could do. 

He could feel his heart beating, alive, just inches from the layer of snow growing thicker on his chest. The layer of snow he would disappear under.

He tried to scream but his muscles would not obey him. He tried to get up but his body felt numb and he was freezing. The curse would not break.

He tried to stop fighting it. He tried to lean into it, slowly studying the effects it had on his body, trying to find weaknesses, cracks in an otherwise perfectly executed spell. He failed and he tried again.

James Potter was a lot of things but he was not a quitter.

He would not give up. No matter how long it would take him, he would not give up. Even if it was the last thing he should do. He would not give up.

Time was slowing down, or perhaps it was his heartbeat, James could not tell. The penetrating cold was everywhere, on his skin, in his veins, in his bones. Eating away at his determination, at his very life. Tears of frustration rolled from his eyes to freeze instantly on his cheeks.

Overwhelming, his fear seemed to only reinforce the paralysing spell. He realized too late it was feeding off of his energy. It was complex magic. Dark. Nothing he had ever dealt with before.

Distant screams of terror and pain reached his ears, as well as the terrible, maniacal laugh of Bellatrix. Above him, dark smoke filled the sky. Despite everything, he caught himself hoping. The village was not as far as he originally thought. If he managed to break past the curse and take back control of his body despite the cold, he might be able to make his way back through the forest.

He concentrated every spark of strength that was left in his body to counter the spell, but the sound of the battle in the distance was breaking his heart and he found himself listening to the screams, praying not to recognize the voices of his friends. He knew, deep down, it would only be a matter of time until he heard them. Bellatrix had never resisted the urge to use the Cruciatus Curse on her blood-traitor of a cousin.

He knew that far from fleeing, the Marauders would want to fight. Lily too would probably jump into the battle head first. She was passionate, brave, fiery and stubborn. That was the reason he fell in love with her.

But in that moment he hated her courage.

And perhaps it was because he was thinking about her so hard, or perhaps it was because his brain had finally started to give in to the cold, but he heard her voice. It was distant and it echoed with overwhelming desperation, but it was her voice, recognizable amongst millions, calling his name.

“James!”

Her heart-wrenching call hit him like a ton of bricks and put everything in his body back in motion. His blood started flowing effortlessly in his veins and suddenly he could breathe. He gasped as his vision came back and the curse shattered around him, like a glass prison blasting into pieces.

Love was not an emotion Snape could possibly comprehend. It made sense it that would be the only thing capable to break his magic. Or perhaps it was Lily. She was his only weakness after all.

James got up painfully. The back of his head, that had been resting on the snow, was drenched and freezing and everything was too loud. He couldn't feel his legs.

Snapped in half, the remains of his wand rested sadly on melted snow. When he bent down to pick it up, he noticed his hand was swollen and bruising. Not content with breaking his wand, Snape had also stepped on his hand so hard he had broken three fingers.

Thankfully, his entire body was too numb to even acknowledge the pain and he was able to grab his wand without an ounce of discomfort.

Lily's voice had already faded away but her distressed tone still rang in his ears. He started walking, stumbling and falling every few meters, until he gained back sensation in his feeble legs.

The sound of the battle had not died down, and the dark smoke he could make out from in between the trees led him right to where he wanted to be.

The war.

“LILY!” he called, and his voice was just as distraught as hers had been. “LILY!”

The fire burnt high in the sky, licking the walls of small shops and houses that had been here for hundreds of years. It was chaos and confusion. It was destruction and it was pain.

Lily's scarlet curls were another kind of fire. It was warm and it brought him back to life. She crashed into his arms, knocking the wind out of him and he was barely able to keep his balance as he squeezed her against his chest, sweeping her off her feet.

For a fraction of second, nothing else existed. He buried his nose into her hair and let her comforting, maddening perfume fill every corner of his head. She was alive and nothing else mattered.

They pulled apart quickly and Lily took his hand, leading them to safety in a narrow and dark street, away from the fire and the battle raging a few streets away.

It was Diagon Alley all over again.

“What happened to your wand?” she said, raising her voice to cover the noise from the combat.

There was soot on her face and she looked like she had been through hell and back. But she didn't seem hurt and the flames of tenacity were burning in her eyes. James saw no point in telling her the part her ex-best friend had played in everything. She would find out soon enough.

“Broken,” he answered shortly and his voice was shaking more than he would have liked. “Are you okay? Where are the others?”

“They left. Remus is hurt, Sirius is with him. They're on their way back to the castle with the girls.”

James' heart dropped to his stomach. Not Remus. It should have been him. It should have been James, who had risked everything with his carelessness. Not Remus.

Then, the rest of what Lily had said finally sank in. They had left. All of them.

“Why are you still here?” he said. His voice was louder and angrier than it should have been, but he couldn't believe that smart, responsible Lily had had the opportunity to get to safety but didn't. “Why didn't you go with them? Are you insane?”

Before he could see it coming, before he even had a chance to lower his voice, Lily's eyes filled with tears and she replied just as angrily as he had.

“I couldn't leave you behind!” A single tear rolled down her cheek as she shoved him, but he was much stronger than her and she was weak from fighting so his feet remained firmly planted. “Peter and I looked for you everywhere! We... I thought you were dead!” she blurred out, and suddenly it was not one but an avalanche of tears running down her face.

James pulled her close to him and held her against his chest. He rested his chin on the top of her head and held her until her shoulders stopped shaking. He was freezing and she was so warm.

“Where's Peter now?” he asked, and Lily pulled away from him to wipe her tears with her sleeves.

“We got separated. I don't know where he is.”

“What?” exclaimed James, suddenly very aware of just how violent the battle sounded. “You mean he's alone right now?”

Lily lowered her head and nodded. At the very least she had the decency to look guilty, thought James before rushing out of the small alley.

“PETER!”

He never knew his voice could be so loud and carry this far. The adrenaline pumping in his veins warmed him up as the cold winter air scraped his throat and lungs. Peter was small and round and couldn't run very fast. He had never excelled at duelling and he stood no chance on his own. James struggled to hold back tears of terror.

“PETER!”

A squeaky voice called back to him in the distance and James ran. He didn't have a wand but he had clenched fists and he was ready to fight anyone who would have dared touch a hair off Peter's head. Lily was following him closely, panting from the effort.

In a narrow passage close to the Three Broomsticks, Peter was cornered by two figures James recognized with no difficulty. Snape and Regulus had their wands drawn and pointed at the small boy.

Taking advantage of the element of surprise, James ran and crashed into Snape, taking great pleasure in hearing his nose crack under his fist. Behind him, Lily had already begun duelling Regulus and spells were flying left and right. James managed to rip Snape's wand out of his hands and, blinded by anger and resentment, snapped in half on his knee.

Snape still had not done anything to retaliate. Looking bewildered, he was staring at James as though he had just resurrected before his very eyes.

“That's right, bitch,” said James, grabbing Snape's collar and lifting him like he weighed nothing. “I'm alive.”

He had been left to die by Snape for the second time now. It had been the last.

James projected the scrawny boy to a nearby brick wall. Anger seemed to increase his strength in ways he didn't know were possible. Snape was shorter than him by a few inches and almost twice as thin. He stood no chance in a physical fight.

And James' blood was boiling.

“You can't kill me,” he said, kicking his opponent where it hurt. “No matter how much you want to.”

Snape bent in half and spat red blood on the white snow. James smiled and violently sent his knee digging into Snape's stomach, before leaning in to share a secret.

“I can't die,” he whispered in Snape's ear. It was a provocation but in the moment it felt real.

James had been hexed, cursed and slashed open, he had bled out under the Whomping Willow, and he had been left to freeze in the snow. He came out alive every time, his body riddled with scars and his heart aching for revenge.

“You can't kill me,” he repeated, punctuating each of his sentence with another punch to the boy's face. “You can't kill my friends. We can't die.”

His fists were red with blood and his fractured knuckles were on fire but he didn't care about the pain. Everything was numb and it wasn't due to the cold.

“We can't die.”

He didn't know when but his words had stopped being solely provocative. They were unanswered prayers and uncontrollable sobs. A supplication. Death was a cold reality that had breathed down James' neck for too long.

“We can't die,” he sobbed, and he let Snape's body fall unconscious on the ground. “We can't die.”

Everything came crashing down. James fell on his knees in the red snow. His cheeks were drenched with tears.

“JAMES!” The voice tore a hole through his heart but it wasn't Lily's voice and it wasn't Lily's hand grabbing his. The last thing he saw before everything went black was Alice's Auror robes. The last thing he heard before Disapparating was Lily's sobs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry


	39. The other doe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone and thank you so much to everyone who has read this far and left kudos and comments, your support means everything to me and you make me the happiest girl in the world <3

The following days were a blur. A lot of the students that had stayed in Hogwarts over the holidays had rushed back home. James wanted nothing more to imitate them and go back to his parents, but they had once again told him to stay away and that school was safer.

Remus was in St Mungo's.

James had not been allowed to see him. Sirius either, and it drove them both crazy, in their dorm that suddenly felt too big and too empty.

Peter was gone. He wrote letters everyday, promising in all of them that he would come back soon. But you can only read a letter so many times before the words start to lose their meaning.

Nothing made sense.

Several people had lost their lives in the attack in Hogsmeade. Two witches from the village, an Auror that had tried to save them and the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Classes had been cancelled and no one knew when they were to resume.

The castle was surrounded by this hazy fog of grief that grew thicker and thicker each day that passed. Everything was silent.

James had told the story of what had happened so many times it had begun to feel like something that happened to someone else. He had been over it with Dumbledore, the Aurors, the Investigation department of the Ministry and his friends. Like Alice had told him, no detail was too small and he had been forced to relive the worst day of his life over and over again.

Neither Snape nor Regulus had been arrested. In fact, they were still in the school and James saw them at every meal. They both had been thoroughly questioned after James' official statement, but Dumbledore had personally vouched for them and the investigation had stopped there. James had never been so furious.

“I can't take it,” he said through grinned teeth one day at dinner. He had been staring across the room to the Slytherin table ever since he had sat down and had not taken one bite of his food. “I can't keep seeing him parading around with his fucked up face. Madame Pomfrey can fix worse than that in a second, he just wants to look like a victim.”

On the other side of the Great Hall, hunched over his plate, Snape was turning left and right so everyone at his table could see every angle of his ravaged face. His nose was broken and he had two black eyes, both engorged with blood. James couldn't help himself but feel a pang of guilt as he watched the black bruises run down from Snape's temples to his swollen cheekbones, fractured in several places. It was hard for him to believe he had been capable of such violence. But then again, Remus was in St Mungo's. People had died. Snape deserved it.

He was not a monster for doing what he had done. He was not a monster for having been overcome by a temporary, fleeting moment of absolute rage. Right?

“They said they were under the Imperius Curse,” said Sirius in a hoarse voice. Surprised, James turned to him. Sirius had only rarely spoke since the attack, building walls around him James had not been able to talk through. Most of their conversations until this point had been extremely one-sided. “You think it's true?”

He was looking down at his untouched plate, pushing vegetables around with his fork. James hadn't seen him eat in days.

“Maybe,” lied James. He couldn't conceive a world in which it was true. It was clear that Snape and Regulus had acted of their own accord, although that was something James would never admit to Sirius. “Who told you?”

“Alice.”

“She didn't tell me that,” said James quietly, turning back to the Slytherin table. Alice had been in and out of Hogwarts a lot these past few days, on official Auror duty. She couldn't talk about what was going on but she did give James some information here and there whenever he managed to corner her somewhere.

“He's my little brother,” whispered Sirius.

James shook his head. Perfect copy of his brother at the same age, Regulus was sat between Snape and Mulciber. He looked just as skinny and sick as Sirius had been over the past few days.

“Not any more.” James hated to be this brusque almost as much as he hated the depressed undertone in his friend's voice. Sirius had never been one to mope around. He was a man of action and usually the first to think about retaliation. But not this time.

Remus was in St Mungo's.

For Sirius like for James, every second was spent in anxious anticipation. Waiting for good news that never came. They just had different ways to deal with it. Sirius shut down. James became a more irritable, angrier version of himself, one that he hated.

Few were the ones who had not yet been victims of his snide comments and angry outbursts. He had slipped back into his old habit of using Silencing Charms on students who were too loud in the common areas, rendering them temporarily mute.

So far Lily had been the only one to have not been on the receiving end of James' frustration, and for a good reason. She was avoiding him.

“ _Don't touch me!_ ”

Her words still rang in James' ear, sharp and icy. After Disapparating them far from the battle, Alice had left them alone for half a minute while she went back to fight. James had held his bloody hand out of Lily to help her to her feet and she had shot him a terrified glance.

“ _Don't touch me!_ ”

Blood had dripped from his broken fingers onto her white skin. Snape's blood.

He didn't expect her to forgive him.

She had stopped spending time in the common room or the library and last week, she passed him a note pushing back the next few detentions.

Perhaps she couldn't bear to look at him any more and James couldn't blame her. He couldn't look at himself either. Some days it felt like Snape's blood had sunk so deep into his hands they would never be clean again.

At the opposite end of the Gryffindor table, Lily was resting her head on Marlene's shoulder and staring into nothing. Mary had gone back to her parents the day after the attack. Marlene and Lily were the only girls left in the Gryffindor tower. Their dorm room must have been feeling just as empty as the boys'.

James exhaled shakily and wiped his sweaty palms on his robes. He had not yet been able to forget how Lily's arms had wrapped around him. He had not been able to forget she had stayed in the heat of the battle and fought off Death-Eaters, for _him_. To find him. Sometimes it felt like a daydream. Sometimes it was a nightmare than left his heart racing as he stood upright on his bed. He would never be able to unsee the image his brain had created in the dead of night, of her crimson curls resting in the snow and of her lifeless emerald eyes staring at him without seeing him.

She could have died because of him. No wonder she now stayed away.

James tore his eyes from her reluctantly. She haunted his nights and days, yet he never got tired of looking at her. She was entrancing.

He was so caught up in her he didn't notice McGonagall had stood up over at the staff table. Dumbledore had rarely been seen since the attack, so it was very naturally that McGonagall had assumed the responsibilities of the headmaster in his absence. She cleared her throat and a respectful silence settled in the already quiet hall.

“Students,” she started. “Although we are all in great pain after the events of Hogsmeade, I, along with the school board and the majority of the professors, believe it is our duty to grow from what happened. As you know, at Hogwarts, your education and safety are our priorities, and this is why the Auror Department in the Ministry has decided to organize extra-curricular classes specialized in early Auror training. They will take place everyday in the Transfiguration classroom until classes resume.”

As she sat back down, James turned to Sirius.

“What do you think?”

“I think you want to go.” His friend had a sad smile, the first one in days.

“You're damn right I do.”

James squeezed Sirius' hand under the table. Everything was shit, everything. But they would find even the tiniest of things to hold on to and they would call it hope. And then maybe they would be alright after all.

 

When they arrived in the Transfiguration classroom the next morning, it was to find all the tables pushed back against the walls and the room enlarged by an Extension Charm, as it was twice as wide as James remembered.

Lily and Marlene were already there, along with the thirty other students that had remained at Hogwarts. Lily was sat on a table with her back against the wall, braiding Marlene's blond hair. She had dark circles under her eyes and James wondered for a second if she had been having the same nightmares as him.

Neither of the girls looked up when he passed them. He walked for a few more feet and sat on a nearby table, close enough to them so no one would get in between, but far enough that they wouldn't feel obligated to talk to him. Sirius and him waited there in silence, leaning back on the wall. There was still no news concerning Remus.

The silence reigning in the crowded classroom was deafening.

Together, they held their breath as the door to McGonagall's office opened, revealing a dishevelled and exhausted looking Alice. James smiled in spite of himself. The day just got significantly better.

“Hi everyone,” she said in a loud voice, clapping her hands together like she always did before a big speech. “Let's get started, shall we?”

She motioned for all of them to get on their feet and walked to the centre of the room.

“We're not going to practice offensive spells just yet,” she warned, with a side eye look at James. “We're going to start with the most useful spell you will ever learn. The Patronus Charm is usually not taught in regular classes because of its complexity, but I can guarantee you it will come in handy, in those trouble times we're living in.”

“I can't see why,” said James loudly, and his deep voice filled the room. “Dementors work with the Ministry in Azkaban. It's very unlikely we would need to fight them any time soon.”

Alice turned to him and for a second James thought he was going to get told off (it was Alice's preferred method of communication after all) but her eyes softened when she looked at him. She must have been remembering how James had been lured into the Forbidden Forest, just a few days back. The doe was on James' mind too.

“The Ord- the Ministry uses the Patronus Charm to carry messages,” she answered in a quiet voice. “If anyone at Hogsmeade had known how to use the spell to call the Aurors, we could have been there much more rapidly. A lot of damage could have been avoided,” she added, and her eyes trailed to James' hands, which he hid self-consciously behind his back. His bruises had healed rapidly and Madam Pomfrey had mended his broken fingers. Yet the pain still resonated in his veins like a faint echo, reminding him at all times of his weakness, of his overpowering anger.

Alice smiled at him gently and James saw pity in her eyes. He averted his gaze without smiling back and wished he would never have to see someone look at him like that again.

Turning her back to him, Alice began to explain how a Patronus was evoked and just how intricate the spell was. His arms crossed against his chest, Sirius was listening attentively, while James brooded next to him.

He knew how to cast a Patronus already. At least he knew the technical aspect of it. He had never actually _done it_ , but he was certain he could. He was the second best student in Charms after all, only Lily ever surpassed him in that field.

James twisted his wand between his fingers. At his request, his parents had sent him a new one straight from Ollivander. It was made out of the same wood and it had the same core but it just wasn't the same. It wasn't the wand he had desperately clung to when he had first set foot in Hogwarts. It wasn't the wand Lily had confiscated so many times since fifth year. It was a wand, but it wasn't his.

It did work though, James had tested it the night after his parent's owl had delivered it, making everything in their dorm room levitate until Sirius yelled at him to stop.

James turned his head slightly to look at his friend. Sirius' cheekbones were highlighted by the hollowness in his face, carved out by the days spent worrying, not eating. His usually luscious hair had lost its shine and fell flat on both sides of his head. He looked so much older than he was. Like all the fight and energy had been sapped out of him.

It was the ghost of a man standing next to James. Not his brother.

James looked away and tried to focus on listening to Alice.

“Think about your happiest memory. Whatever thought makes your heart do that thing where it flutters. It can be anything, your family, your first kiss, your first Quidditch game... Just focus on your happiness and let it wash over you.”

Everywhere around the room, students had their eyes shut and looks of intense concentration on their faces. Alice winked at James when he looked at her. Purely out of spite, he closed his eyes and imitated the others. He regretted it immediately, feeling idiotic with his eyes closed in a room full of people.

He didn't even know what his happiest memory was. His entire childhood was a blur of excitement mixed with the thrilling feeling of freedom and love. Every memory from back then was so bright and happy none of them stood out.

He tried to focus on the feeling rather than a particular memory, but instinctively his thoughts circled back to Lily. Like they always did. Thinking of her made his heart swell. The freckles on her pale skin and the mischievous light in her eyes and her hair that was fire and warmth, everything about her use to make his body vibrate with passion.

But now, those images were tainted with grief. He couldn't think about her eyes without thinking about the tears he made her cry and how terrified she had looked when he had held his hand out to her. He couldn't think about her voice without remembering how heart-wrenching her screams had been when she had called his name in the heat of battle. When she had begged him to stop pounding Snape's face with his fists.

He couldn't think about her without his heart breaking and the certitude that she wanted nothing to do with him.

He tried to think of his friends, but Peter was gone and Sirius wasn't Sirius any more.

And Remus was in St Mungo's.

Jaw clenched to fight back his tears, he opened his eyes to find that the classroom was filled with thin wisps of silver smoke. Everywhere around him, his classmates made managed to at least conjure some sort of vapour, an incorporeal magic filling the air with energy.

Everyone but him had produced something. Everyone but him and Sirius, who hadn't even drawn out his wand and was staring at the opposite side of the classroom, arms crossed over his chest. James followed his gaze and gave up on ever feeling happy again.

Snape was here. Smirking confidently.

He was trying to catch Lily's eye, sticking out his skinny chest in his dark hand-me-down robes. He was probably here to show off just how perfect of a Patronus he could conjure, and James felt every cell in his body being replaced with absolute hatred.

He would give everything he had to never have to see that ravaged face again.

Suddenly, a warm, calming presence seemed to materialize next to him and something nudged his hand. Looking down, he saw the exact thing he feared he would. The doe's gorgeous eyes were fixated on him, and reflected a feeling too pure for James to comprehend. He didn't even try. Anything coming from Snape would just be a blight in disguise.

Before his mind could register what he was doing, his body reacted and a visceral instinct kicked in, sending his clenched fist directly to the animal, which dissipated into a cloud of silver smoke.

“James!” Lily's outraged voice raised from behind him. “What the fuck?”

James spun around to see she was clasping her wand, still directed at the exact place the Patronus had stood. Lily's red curls tumbled around her shoulders like an angel of fire. She looked furious. James had never seen such concentrated rage.

“The doe was yours?” The question fell from his lips in spite of his better judgement. He didn't want to know.

“Who else's would it be?”

James turned his head to look at Snape, who had a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Lily followed his gaze and her eyebrows furrowed at the sight of the sallow boy and the terrible bruises covering his face. He took a step forward, getting closer to them, and with a simple flick of his wand conjured an identical copy of Lily's Patronus. His doe looked just as delicate and elegant. There was no telling them apart. James thought he might have been sick if his stomach hadn't turned into a bottomless pit.

“Oh,” said Lily simply. Although all trace of anger seemed to have left her, she looked the furtherest thing from happy. She lowered her wand and let her arm fall at her side in a defeated gesture.

“Yeah,” said James, and he hated the way he spat out the word, like venom, meant to hurt. “Guess you two truly do have a connection, huh.”

Lily shook her head, incredulous. Her slightly parted lips moved like she wanted to say something and James waited, desperate for an explanation. Surely it didn't mean anything. Surely it was all one big, terrible practical joke. Surely it wasn't real.

“James- I...” Lily started, but she didn't seem to be able to finish her thought. She closed her mouth and looked at James with a pleading look in her eyes.

James left the room without looking back, slamming the door on his way out. The only person he wanted to talk to was Remus. Remus who knew so much about magic and how it worked, and would without a doubt be able to explain the phenomenon. Remus who helped him every step of the way when it came to his relationship with Lily, if you could even call it that.

Remus who was in St Mungo's. Furious, James stuck his hand into his hair. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

He ran all the way to his dorm room and kicked the door shut when he arrived, hurting his foot in the process. He thought about collapsing on his bed, but suddenly the oh so simple movement felt like to much effort. Besides, what would he do then but be forced to listen to his thoughts spiralling down another dark tunnel? He didn't want to lay down, he wanted to scream.

His heart was hammering inside his hollow chest. He felt empty, standing there all alone without a purpose, after a pointless run through the castle.

Precipitated footsteps echoed in the stairs behind the door and for an instant James thought Lily was chasing after him. But it was Sirius' hand that landed on his shoulder and it was Sirius who pulled him in to a tight hug. And somehow that was much better.

Neither of them said anything, because they didn't need to. But they put all their suffering into that embrace, all the unsaid prayers, choked back tears and resentment from their endless wait. They didn't talk but James squeezed Sirius tight and held on to him like he was his last thread of hope, the only thing keeping him alive. Because in a way he was.

Sirius was the one thing he wouldn't allow himself to lose. He had already lost so much. But he wouldn't let his brother lose himself and the very energy that made him him.

A small knock resonated in the room and Sirius let go of James, who turned to the window. A white snow owl was politely taping the glass with its beak, and the two boys had one look at each other before they rushed to let in in. In their franticness, they struggled to untie the letter off of its claw for a few endless seconds.

Finally, Sirius unfolded the parchment with shaky hands and James felt tears swell up in his eyes as he recognized the familiar hand-writing.

 

_Dear Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail,_

_I'm coming back._

_Love,_

_Your perfectly healthy Moony._

 

Alight with happiness, James crashed against the small desk by the window and grabbed a blank piece of parchment and a quill. There was so much he wanted to write but his hands were shaking and his vision was blurry with the joyous tears he was holding back.

“Owls are nowhere near fast enough to say what we want to say.” Sirius' voice elevated from behind him. “Just try it again.”

“Try what?” James turned and felt his heart burst with relief in front of the wide grin plastered on Sirius' face. His friend was finally back.

“Try it,” repeated Sirius, and suddenly James understood what he meant, because there was no feeling comparable to the absolute boyish glee he felt in this instant. His heart felt a thousand times lighter than it had for the past few days, and he was quite certain that if he wanted to, he wouldn't have needed a broom to fly.

So what if Lily Patronus was exactly the same as Snape's? He couldn't change it, couldn't erase the connection between them, their shared history. They were bounded, probably more than James would ever know. It was a truth he could do nothing about but in that moment he _didn't care_.

Remus was coming home. He was okay and he was coming home and nothing else mattered. James was happy. Deliriously, incredibly happy.

“ _Expecto Patronum.”_

The light that erupted from his wand was so bright he was temporarily blinded, and when his vision returned, the first thing he saw was mesmerizing silver eyes and a pair of antlers so tall they reached the ceiling.

“Oh,” said James simply.

The tears he had been trying so hard to contain fell from his eyes and rolled on his cheeks.

“Tell Moony we love him,” he whispered to the animal, which bowed its magnificent antlers low to the ground before disappearing out the window.

Like Lily's doe, the stag was nothing short of dazzling.

It felt meant to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let men cry 2k19


	40. Peter and Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy sunday!! <3

“Never leave us again, Moony.”

“Let go of my leg, James. That goes for you too, Sirius. You're not five years old.”

“We will, once you promise you will never ever leave us.”

“Prongs. Pads. I will forever be with you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

Laying onto Peter's bed like a pile of limbs, James, Remus and Sirius had been catching up. Which meant that James had been talking about Lily for the better part of an hour while Remus and Sirius exchanged amused glances.

“Prongs, we're done hearing about Evans,” said Sirius finally. “I want to know about Moony, we haven't seen him in forever.”

“Although extremely hurtful, your complaint has been noted. And I do want to hear all about Moony's adventures in St Mungo's, tell us everything.”

“Oh I wasn't in St Mungo's,” said Remus casually.

“What?”

Surprised, James propped himself up on one elbow, earning himself dirty looks from both of his friends who were using his chest as a pillow.

“But Dumbledore told us you were!” he exclaimed. “I had made several plans to sneak out of Hogwarts and visit you there!”

“Yeah, he told me not to tell you about it but fuck that. You already know that the curse that hit me reacted badly with my condition.”

“The furry problem,” clarified James.

“Yes and stop calling it that. Dumbledore didn't want to send me to St Mungo's, he was afraid Greyback might try to get in contact with me there. I was somewhere else, I don't know exactly where but it wasn't a hospital. There were Healers there and damn good ones, but I don't think they were in any way affiliated with St Mungo's. I think they were working for Dumbledore, everyone there was.”

“Moony, this is insane,” whispered Sirius. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was a little pale as he turned his head to look up at James, who saw his own anxiety reflected in his friend's eyes. If even Dumbledore thought Greyback would want Remus, it meant that it was true. That their worst fear was rational.

“From what I could grasp from eaves-dropping they call themselves the Order,” continued Remus, unaware of the silent exchange. “But that's all I know.”

“How many of them are there?”

“Not a lot. But they're powerful wizards and witches, I could feel the magic buzzing around the whole place, defensive charms.”

James laid back down and stared into nothing. This could mean a thousand things or more. His mind was racing with theories but he had no idea where to start.

“Do you think it could have been something like a safe house?” asked Sirius.

“Possible. I wasn't allowed inside half the rooms once I could walk again. And then they sent me back straight to Hogwarts, I guess they didn't want me snooping around.”

Silence fell in the dim lit room and James patted Remus' head absent-mindedly.

“I'm happy you're back Moony,” he said finally.

That was an understatement, and they all knew it. James could tell from the faint smiles growing on his friends' faces.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the door of their room burst open. Startled, James tried to get up, but was impeded by the weight of the other boys and only managed to roll off the bed pathetically.

A furious looking Peter was standing at the threshold. His round cheeks were red with anger and his fists were clenched at his sides.

“Pete!” exclaimed James from the floor. “You're back!”

“What's wrong Wormy?” asked Remus, jumping off the bed and stepping over James.

Peter collapsed on James' bed, the closest to the door, and put his face in his hands.

“Mary just broke up with me.”

A heavy silence fell back on the room as Sirius held out a helpful hand to James and helped him get up. Remus walked up to the bed, sat next to Peter and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“What happened?”

It took James a second to get down from the cloud of happiness he had climbed on seeing his best friend enter the room. Peter was visibly heartbroken and James immediately felt an urge to protect him. Out of all of them, Peter was the one who was still waiting to grow up. With his round figure and childlike face, he looked defenceless. James rushed to the other side of Peter and imitated Remus while Sirius sat on the floor in front of them.

“I just came back,” said Peter weakly. “She was in the common room so I went to say hi and you know...”

He blushed and Sirius nodded approvingly.

“Snog. We know.”

“Well, she said she wanted to talk in private and then she just...” Peter stopped, visibly incapable to finish his thought. He was shaking his head left and right and staring into nothing as if in shock. James squeezed his shoulders in a friendly gesture.

“I don't understand,” he said as gently as he could. “You guys were so happy together. Did she give you any reasons as to why she would want to break up?”

“She's mad at me for staying at Hogsmeade during the attack. She said I should have gone back to the castle with her. Thinks I put you over her.”

James felt anger rise in him like boiling lava in his chest.

“Well, obviously you did,” he said, grinding his teeth. “And obviously it was the right call. She's a bitch.”

“Unhelpful, James.”

“Sorry Moony.”

“Though I really can't understand her,” continued Remus. “What, she's angry because her boyfriend was brave? Because he stayed behind to save a friend? That's some fucked up reasoning.”

“Straight people are confusing,” sighed Sirius and James high-fived him with his free hand. “Is she still down there?”

Peter nodded and James jumped to his feet, quickly imitated by Sirius and Remus.

“Wait! What are you doing?” exclaimed Peter in a squeaky voice.

“Confronting her,” answered James simply. “She's making a mistake.”

He bolted out of the room without looking back, his friends on his trail. Mary was a sweet girl and he had gotten to know her fairly well throughout the month of December. She was open-minded, had a lot of opinions she was certainly not afraid to voice. She was the exact opposite of Peter, in a way, and perhaps that was why they completed each other so well.

“What are you gonna say to her?” Sirius whispered from behind him as they walked down the stairs.

“No idea,” replied James between grinned teeth. “Haven't really thought this through, have I?”

He was angry. Angry at Mary, angry at the war, angry at the world. Angry at whatever had happened to love. Because James was slowly starting to lose faith in the concept. He loved his friends but couldn't protect them. He loved his parents but couldn't be with them.

He loved Lily. And somehow that wasn't enough.

“Oi Mary!”

A group of girls by the window turned to him. Mary was sat opposite to Lily, whose stare chilled James to the bone. Of course. He couldn't escape her.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” Mary shrugged. Everything in her attitude showed she knew exactly why he was here. She had that same kind of nonchalance Sirius had, a slight sway in her walk that exuded confidence as she walked towards them. All of a sudden, James didn't feel so sure about his decision to confront her. Girls were terrifying and Mary was no exception.

“What's up?” she asked without breaking eye contact. James took a step back instinctively and his back met Remus' palm, who pushed him forward gently. Thankful for the reminder that he was not alone, he inhaled deeply.

“You're being unfair. And I think you know it, you're smarter than this.”

“Actually, I'm not,” replied Mary with an angelic smile. “Being unfair, I mean. Peter should have been with me when everything was going down at Hogsmeade. Not searching for you because you decided to wander off into the woods. He was my boyfriend, he was supposed to protect me.”

James clenched his jaw so hard he thought his teeth might turn to dust from biting down on themselves. Mary was incredibly different from Lily and the polar opposite to Marlene. He didn't understand how the three of them got along, especially considering this poisonous side of Mary he was just now discovering.

“We all know you can defend yourself Mary,” drawled Sirius. “You're more than capable on your own.”

“Peter doesn't deserve to be punished for doing the right thing and staying for James,” added Remus. “If anything, it shows how far he will go to protect those he loves. He's been James best friend for six years and you've been dating for three months. Just be reasonable, please.”

“It only shows he doesn't love me enough,” snapped Mary. She was a bit red in the face and her eyes were nowhere near as happy as they were when she approached them. “You won't change my mind.”

She turned heel and James watched her walk away with clenched fists. He couldn't believe her selfishness. Mary sat back on the armchair in front of Lily and told her something the boys didn't quite hear despite their best efforts.

Lily sprung out of her seat and headed right to them. The fire burning in her eyes was perhaps just as dazzling as her wavy hair bouncing on her shoulders at every step she took.

“Potter! Detention now!”

“What? It's not Tuesday!” protested James before turning to Remus and asking quietly. “Is it Tuesday?”

Remus shook his head and James spun around to face Lily. All the anger he had felt while facing Mary had evaporated. Strangely enough, Lily's cold voice brought him a sense of normality that put him at ease. Besides, it was hard to stay mad when she looked directly at him. His knees weakened and his stomach turned to jelly.

“It's not Tuesday,” he repeated, ruffling up his hair nervously. “You can't make me go to detention, I have rights.”

“Wrong,” said Lily, dead-pan, pointing at her shiny perfect badge. “I do what I want, and if I say it's Tuesday then it's Tuesday. Come with me.”

She turned and walked confidently to the portrait hole without looking back.

“Why are you fighting this, mate?” whispered Sirius. “You get to be alone with her! Go!”

James punched his friend's arm before running after Lily. Unlike Sirius thought, he didn't particularly want to find himself alone with an angry Lily, but he also did not want to anger her more by not obeying her.

He slid down the portrait hole and followed the footsteps echoing in the hallway. She entered an empty classroom and sat on one of the tables.

“You're fast,” noticed James. His heat was racing in his chest but he knew it wasn't due to the running he had done. He had forgotten just how easily she filled the room with her presence, how enchanting she was, how he wanted nothing more than to look at her for every second of everyday for the rest of his life. Lily waved her wand and the door slammed shut behind James, leaving the air buzzing with tension.

“What's wrong with you?” The fire in her eyes burnt higher than ever. “Leave Mary alone. How arrogant do you have to be to question her decision about her relationship with Peter, which, as far as I'm aware, is not involving you in any way?”

She got down from the table and stepped towards him. Her voice was daggers and each word dug a little deeper into James' skin.

This would not be a pleasant conversation, he realized, and sadness hit him like a ton of bricks. Things had been good between Lily and him. Things had been good for a while before they turned nightmarish. Her dead eyes were still haunting his nights. Just like his bloody hands probably haunted hers.

“She hurt Peter. I'm just looking out for him. I don't think she was fair with him, or herself, for that matter. Peter was nothing but brave that day in Hogsmeade, and she doesn't need protection, which all of us know.”

“She's a muggleborn, James!” Lily cried, a little too loud and a little too angrily. “A target of the attack, just like me. She was scared and she had every right to be. You're a pureblood, you wouldn't understand.”

James raised a surprised eyebrow. The fire was raging in Lily's eyes and her words were meant to hurt.

“What, you think I don't know what it feels like to be attacked by them?” he replied, feeling his cheeks flush with hot, angry blood.

“I think you don't know what it feels like to be a target,” she answered, a little quieter this time. “I'm not blaming you, God knows I never want you to feel that kind of terror. But Mary is scared. We're always scared because we'll never be safe, given our birth circumstances. Mary is right to want to be safe. She is right to want to be protected. She is right to feel abandoned, because Peter did leave her when she was in the most danger.”

Lily had a point and James felt himself losing ground dangerously. He didn't want her to be right, he was tired of her always being right.

“So you think she was right to break up with him?”

“No, of course I don't! I think she's making a mistake but she's my friend, so I'm gonna support her no matter what my opinion is!”

“That's not what a good friend does Lily!"

“Yeah? And how would you even know?” she spat. Her voice was loud now and echoed on the stone walls. James pretended not to see her eyes were filled with angry tears. It meant more to the both of them that they were letting on. And, more than anything, the insinuation that he wasn't a good friend made James' blood boil in his veins.

“I know good friends don't lie. Good friends don't make excuses. When Sirius is wrong about something I let him know, because good friends help each other grow.”

“But I don't want Mary to _grow_ , or to be better, I just want to be there for her when she needs me! And right now she needs me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” shouted James. “You're the one who's constantly on my back about growing up! You're just gonna enable her shitty behaviour because you're too scared to tell her how you feel?”

Lily threw her hands in the air in a frustrated gesture.

“You know what? I changed my mind!” she said loudly. “I agree with Mary, Peter is not good enough for her. None of you boys are.”

“Peter is the kindest man I know! Mary isn't half the person that he is!”

“Well I just don't trust him!”

“Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot _your_ friends have been proven to be very trustworthy. When was the last time you talked to Snivellus, Evans? Before or after he became a Death Eater?”

“Don't you dare bring him into this!” Her voice was raspy and deeper than usual. Her eyes shot lighting bolts. She was splendid, which James might have spent more time noticing if he was not so angry. “Snape was dead to me the second he chose which side he was on!”

“You know that's not true!” shouted James. The twin does were still shining brightly in his mind, blinding him and his better judgement. “You still care about him, whether you want it or not!”

Visibly hesitant to answer, Lily opened and closed her mouth while James shook his head and looked away from her.

“I could have stopped you from hurting him, you know?” she said quietly and her voice was hoarse with the tears she didn't cry. “I was there. I could have stopped you and I didn't. James, I- I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but... I wanted to see him hurt.”

James' heart dropped inside his chest and he closed his eyes, in a desperate, vain attempt to unhear what she had just said. A feeling of emptiness consumed him.

“You looked so scared of me,” he whispered, and in the dark, behind his eyelids, the words sounded hollow.

“I was,” Lily breathed and James' heart stopped. “I was, because you reminded me of me. You're the last person I ever expected to see myself in, and on that day I did. I was scared of you, but mostly I was scared of myself.”

“I would have killed him.”

“You didn't.”

“But I would have,” he repeated, louder this time, and there was an ounce of desperation in his voice he could not control. He opened his eyes and took a shaky breath in. He didn't want to cry in front of Lily, not again. But that day was still too vivid in his head and knew he wouldn't have been able to stop himself if Alice hadn't dragged him away from Snape. And that was the scariest thought of them all.

“He would have deserved it,” said Lily firmly. She was trying to catch James' eye but he wouldn't look at her.

“No. No one ever does.” The hushed tones were too real and much worse than the yelling.

They had such different outlooks on life.

They were such different people. Day and night, always clashing together.

For the first time in his life, James wondered if they were really meant to be. For the first time in his life, James feared he might fall out of love, for those words, in that voice, were breaking his heart. He braced himself, ready to see his world rip in half under his feet and swallow him whole.

He waited a few daunting, terrible seconds, in which the world stood still and nothing changed. Then he came to another conclusion. He was in love with the way she stood up for herself. He was in love with her stubbornness, her courage, her impatience, with the lights in her eyes and the passion of her heart. She was still Lily, whatever she said, whatever she did, and he was still mad about her.

He looked at her and his heart skipped a beat. She was his past, present and future. Nothing could change that.

“Lily, I'm sorry.”

“For what?”

“For... everything?” James smiled sadly and ruffled up his hair. He wasn't sure how to do this but he knew he wanted to. “For being a jerk? I've not been myself lately.”

Lily dismissed his apology with a wave of the hand.

“Everyone's on edge. And I haven't been fair to you. I've taken my anger and frustration out on you and you don't deserve it.”

James' smile widen in spite of his better judgement. But this was the closest Lily had ever come to apologizing to him, and it felt like a tiny victory.

“You're still a jerk though,” she added quickly. James wiped his smile from his face as he remembered everything he had thrown in her face, and everything they both had said, up to the events that triggered their argument in the first place.

“And you're still wrong,” he said. Lily titled her head slightly, as if reluctantly accepting the words.

There was nothing left to say, James realized, with a pinch of sadness. He turned way from her and walked towards the door. He wanted to be with his friends. Peter needed him.

As he arrived at the door step, Lily took a deep inhale, as if to say something, and James turned to look at her. Her wavy hair had frizzled up a bit around her face and her cheeks were still red from the heated argument. She was beautiful.

“I hate you, you know?” she said finally. Her eyes said the opposite.

“I hate you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think it's safe to say that neither of them mean that


	41. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy sunday!! <3

James ran a hand through his wet, tangled hair and slapped his foggy glasses on his face. He had taken advantage of the empty dorm room and taken a long steamy shower. The hot water had relaxed his muscles and managed to phenomenally relieve the permanent tension in his shoulders. He felt relaxed for the first time in a while.

He drew a smiley face in the steam of the mirror before shimmying into his jeans. They were the only muggle clothes he owned, and it was his favourite things to wear when he didn't have to be in his uniform. Sirius had bought them for him over the summer, and it reminded James of the weeks they spent walking around that little muggle village by his house. It was a few months ago but it felt like years.

He messed up his hair with his hand again, checking in the mirror that the water had not flattened his curls too much. He winked at his reflection and unconsciously touched his chest, running his hand along the thick claw marks on his skin.

It had took him a while but he was used to them now. They were permanent, had said Madame Pomfrey. It didn't bother him that much, Remus was covered in those scars and he didn't look any less gorgeous because of them. The only problem was that now James couldn't just walk around the dorm room shirtless like he used to, and he missed that.

He grabbed his towel, threw it over his head to cover his hair, and walked into the dorm room. Sirius and Remus had left for the Astronomy tower a while ago, and Peter had been gone for hours now. It was customary these days, and James had to admit he was growing quite fond of the peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet that was brutally interrupted by the sound of footsteps echoing on their way up the stairs and hasty knocking on the door. James immediately dived to the ground to pick up the first shirt he saw, and it was half-way over his head when the door burst open to a panting Lily.

He pulled hard on the fabric to cover his stomach, but it was too late. She had stopped dead in her tracks and was staring straight to where the scars had disappeared behind the shirt.

“James, what is that?”

“What are you doing here?”

“I asked you first, what is that?” she repeated, pointing to his chest.

“A shirt,” he answered simply. His heart was racing and he knew that no matter what he said he was just delaying the inevitable. In his panic, he had grabbed the first thing he could find and it was Remus' shirt he was wearing, much too small for him. The fabric stretched uncomfortably around his shoulders and he feared the slightest movement would tear it in half.

“I know it's a shirt, I'm talking about what's underneath it.”

“That would be me, Evans.”

“Oh, cut the shit. Those scars are...” Lily paused, speechless, and James couldn't help a smirk. It was not often that Lily Evans was lost for words.

“Impressive?” he tried to complete for her. “Sexy?”

Lily shot him a deathly glare.

“I was gonna say awful,” she said calmly. “James, those are not normal scars. Let me see.” She took a decisive step forward and James backed up against his bed.

“Are you propositioning me, Evans? Bursting in my room, asking me to take off my shirt? I didn't know you to be this forward.”

Lily blushed furiously and didn't reply. Surprised by her silence, James crossed his arms over his chest. Lily loved telling him off each chance she got. So why didn't she?

“What are you even doing here anyway?” he asked, changing the subject quickly because it was clear Lily was uncomfortable.

“Looking for Remus,” she answered quickly. “He missed the last prefect meeting when he was away. The Head Girl made the patrolling schedule, I didn't pay attention and I just realized now... We're supposed to do rounds all night next Friday.”

“So? Isn't that your job?”

“Next Friday, James,” said Lily slowly, and she titled her head, putting an emphasis on her words. “At night.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

James wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He counted the days again, hoping to have been wrong, but came to the same conclusion. Next Friday was the full moon.

“You know what,” James started, his mind racing a thousand miles an hour as he tried to come up with a valid enough excuse. “Remus hasn't been feeling well lately. He might be sick that night, I wouldn't count on him if I were you.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at him and James tried to keep his face void of all emotion. He was a terrible liar, he always had been.

“Seriously?” Lily huffed, but she looked more amused than crossed. “James, I _know_. How have you not picked up on it yet?”

James froze as his heart dropped inside his chest. He remembered to act normally a second too late, and he ran his hand through his messy hair, still wet from the shower.

“Just to be completely sure: what exactly do you know?”

“What happens to Remus on the full moon.”

James sat on his bed, closed his eyes and shook his head slowly, trying to control his breathing. She knew. They had spent years covering the secret, burying it deeply, keeping it from everyone. Yet she knew.

“How did you find out?”

“I'm not an idiot.”

“I never said you were and you did not answer the question.”

There was a pause. James opened his eyes and looked up to Lily. She drew her own gaze away from him quickly as if he had just caught her staring.

“The time he spends in the infirmary,” she answered finally. “How thin he is, how tired and restless he gets around the full moon. The scars on his face and on his hands. James, you... you have the same scars.” There was a question disguised in her word and James desperately wanted to ignore it. But he knew he couldn't.

“Our scars are nothing alike.”

“They're the same.”

“You know what I mean,” interrupted James before she could go on. “They don't carry the same pain. I could never feel the way he feels and I could never hurt the way he hurts. Our scars are nothing alike,” he repeated and this time Lily nodded as if she understood.

The curiosity burning in her eyes was tinted with indescribable sadness.

“What happened?” she whispered, and her eyes were locked on his face. James could tell she was doing everything she could not to stare at his broad chest where she knew the scars stretched under the thin fabric.

He couldn't stand the intensity of her gaze and the tight shirt restricted his breathing too much. Before he had time to think it through and realize what a terrible idea it was, he got up and tugged the shirt over his head in a quick motion.

He was standing shirtless in front of Lily and his heart was beating out of his chest. The scars lifted at every breath he took, curling around his collarbone, running across his abdomen. Lily took a shy step forward and she was so close James stopped breathing.

Her eyes were oceans he couldn't afford to get lost in.

“James,” she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief. She seemed incapable to tear her gaze away from the scars. “How did you not die?”

She lifted her hand and, from the tip of her fingers, traced every curve and every edge of the claw marks the wolf had carved into his skin. James shifted on his feet and his muscles moved visibly on his chest, sending a more than flustered look on Lily's face. He cherished the blush that spread on her cheeks more than life itself.

Her hands were too close to his hammering heart.

“I'm too stubborn to die,” James smiled, because he didn't know what to do or what to say and because Lily was staring at him too intensely and because she was too close, much too close and he couldn't _think_.

Her fresh fingertips on his boiling hot skin were nothing compared to the way she was looking at him. There was a deep, profound softness there, along with something heavier, grounding her, something she seemed to be desperately trying to conceal.

Breathless, he saw, or perhaps he wanted to see, her eyes moving slowly over his face, lingering on his lips.

It was an electrifying feeling, running through his entire body, blood buzzing with energy. His thudding heart was so loud he worried she would hear it and laugh. He twisted his hands behind his back, tempted as he was to reach for her and stroke her worried lips.

She was too close, much too close and she was breathtaking.

Their eyes met, and for the first time, Lily seemed to realize she had closed the distance in between them. Her eyes widened for a split second and she took her hands off of James' chest as if she had been burnt. She might have been, James' blood was fire in his veins.

“I should go,” she whispered, and she took a step back.

James nodded in agreement. Lily's expression was undecipherable.

“I'll cover for Remus Friday night.” James' low, raspy voice made Lily blink. She nodded slowly before taking another step back and heading towards the door.

“Evans?” Lily stopped dead in her tracks and looked back, as if she had wanted nothing more than for him to call for her, hold her back.

“I know we hate each other,” James continued. “But we're friends, right?”

Lily had a sad smile and the words fell from her lips with an ease James could never have achieved.

“Yeah. Yeah, I like to think we are.”

She left but her perfume lingered in the room, and if he closed his eyes, James could pretend she was still here.

 

Whatever he might feel about Lily's confusing behaviour, he kept his word, and on Friday night he said goodbye to his friends as they headed to the Shack under the cloak. He had borrowed Remus' prefect pin for the occasion and had even tried to wear his uniform correctly.

Because he could not stop thinking about the way she had looked at him. He had always been terrible at guessing what she was thinking and that would probably never change. But no matter how much he thought about that day in the empty dorm room, it truly seemed like she had wanted him to kiss her. And he hadn't then, but perhaps tonight he would.

This simple thought send the blood rushing to his cheeks and he wiped his sweaty palms on his robes. He shifted on his feet as he waited for Lily at the bottom of the staircase to the girls' dorm.

Perhaps he was just twisting things around in his head. Perhaps he wasn't remembering the moment just right and perhaps he had just seen what he wanted to see. But if there was the slightest of chance he was right- how could he ignore it? It was everything he had dreamed of for the past six years. She was.

He took a deep breath in and his hand flew to his hair. He couldn't appear nervous. He didn't even know if he truly was, because all of this, a night alone, it felt meant to be.

But then again, he might have been reading into things. He was the one who offered to fill in for Remus, she didn't ask him to. And the way she had smiled when confirming they were friends- easily, comfortably, as if there was nothing more between them. But James had to believe there was. He just had to.

She was driving him mad, that girl. And he loved it.

He smiled as she walked down the stairs towards him, a wide, goofy grin he couldn't help.

“Hi,” she said softly.

“Hi.”

“You ready?”

“Yeah.”

She looked stunning. Her hair was pulled back in a high ponytail and she was wearing gold earrings he had never seen before, perfect compliment to her shining emerald eyes. Her makeup was more sophisticated than it usually was for prefect duty but James couldn't hold it against her, not when he himself had spent half an hour touching up his hair in the mirror.

The way she was dressed and the shy smile she sent him finished convincing James that there was more between them than she cared to admit. He could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice. Something in her attitude regarding him had changed.

It had been a slow transition, that was why he hadn't noticed it at first. But now the icy tone she had reserved only for him all these years had melted and she no longer looked at him like she was just waiting for the opportunity to strangle him. When they argued, it was with a passion neither of them could ignore. Little victories.

“We're taking the same route, yeah?” asked James as they slid out of the portrait hole.

“Yep. Dumbledore doesn't want anyone alone in the corridors after dark. We're always supposed to do our rounds with a partner.”

“Oh.” It confirmed what Remus had told him and James could not be happier about it.

“Are you disappointed?”

“Not in the least.” He grinned at her and she looked away, trying to suppress a smile.

Together, they got down to the second floor, from where they started walking to the Astronomy Tower. Once they had checked the parapet, they climbed down the stairs and headed to the Ravenclaw Tower.

Apart from the few light-hearted comments and polite conversations, most of the rounds were made of side-way glances and comfortable silence.

Their hands brushed against each other, once, twice, while they were walking. Then James couldn't pretend he wasn't doing it on purpose any more. But he couldn't help it, the electric feeling rushing into his arm each time their fingers made contact was addictive.

He could feel his heart growing bigger and bigger inside his chest at every second, his stomach twisting into a knot. Lily's lips were coated with a light pink gloss and James couldn't stop his gaze from returning to them each chance he got.

“Not through there,” she warned him before he turned into a large hallway in the third floor. “There's an armour in there that trips everyone coming through at night. We're taking the next corridor.”

“Really? I want to see it now,” smiled James, making a mental note to add this usual piece of information on the Marauder's Map whenever Peter decided to give it back.

“Trust me, you don't,” laughed Lily. “You'll wake up the whole castle with loud clanging, it is _not_ discreet.”

“You're just giving me more reasons to go now.” Unable to repress her smile, Lily swatted him on the arm and he walked away laughing, making a point of walking backwards so he could see her rolling her eyes at him as she followed him.

She titled her head adorably when she looked at him and the corners of her mouth lifted just a little bit. He would give everything he owned to stay in this moment forever.

Suddenly, a noise, just around the next corner, made them both tear their gaze away from each other.

“Did you hear that?” Lily whispered, drawing her wand.

“Yeah! Did you?”

“Yes I did, you idiot, I asked you first!”

James drew his wand too, and took a few hesitant steps towards the source of the sound. Lily cast a _Lumos_ and walked up to the corner decidedly, before James grabbed her wrist and pulled her back behind him.

“Don't!” he whispered vehemently. “It might be dangerous, let me go first.”

Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief but she didn't insist.

“What are you guys doing?” Mary stepped out from the shadows and James felt the tension in his body melt away at her sight.

“We should be asking you that!” protested Lily, sighing with relief. “We're patrolling, you're the one who's out after curfew.”

“Right,” Mary smiled knowingly. “Since when is Potter a prefect?”

James and Lily exchanged a panicked glance, trying to come up with a reason for his presence here that wouldn't seem too outlandish to someone who knew them both.

“You know what, don't bother finding a decent enough excuse,” said Mary after a few seconds of awkward silence. She looked amused and her eyes were shining with a mischievous light. “I didn't see you and you didn't see me, right?”

“That's not how it works Mary,” said Lily. “I'm still a prefect and you still have to answer me. Where are you going?”

“Down to the kitchens,” replied Mary immediately, and a smile grew on her face. “I want to see if the house-elves can make the same Cauldron cakes that they sell in Honeydukes. They're Peter's favourites, I want to make it right with him. I miss him.”

James tried not to notice Lily's subtle side-glance at him. Peter and Mary's relationship had been what had started his last argument with Lily, and each of her words still rang clearly in his ears. It had been a heated discussion he was not ready to forget.

And now, Mary was coming back to Peter, looking to apologise. James repressed a triumphant smile. He knew very well it wasn't his battle, he couldn't help but feel he had won that argument over Lily.

“Cauldron cakes are the right way to Peter's heart,” he nodded approvingly. “But the house-elves won't make it for you right now, they're all cleaning the common rooms at this time of night.”

“Shit. I knew I should have gone sooner. I waited forever for Marlene to fall asleep.”

“Or you could always go to Honeydukes directly,” said James, before biting the inside of his cheek. He immediately regretted the words that had come out of his mouth.

“How?”

“Gunhilda of Gorsemoor Corridor,” said Lily before James could reply. “Behind the statue, right?” She turned to James and he nodded slowly, unsure of how she knew, and if he should pretend he had no idea what she was talking about. “I caught you sneaking out of there with an entire crate from Honeydukes once, ring any bell?”

“Oh,” he remembered suddenly. “Yeah.”

“Just out of pure curiosity,” started Mary. “If one were to use the passage, what would one need to know?”

James bit his lip. He didn't like giving out Marauder's secrets, but, more than anything, he wanted to see Peter happy. And right now, Mary looked so determined to make it up to him, so happy and so in love, so he really couldn't get in the way of that.

Lily shot him a questioning look, to which he answered with a small nod. She turned to Mary with a little happy bounce.

“It's on our path! We'll take you and James can show us how it works!” Her voice was filled with childish excitement and James couldn't help himself but laugh at how happy she looked. She seemed genuinely thrilled at the prospect of Peter and Mary getting back together, and that told James she probably didn't mean most of the things she had said about Peter, on the day of their fight.

_ I just don't trust him! _

Those words had left James feeling uneasy. He had brushed them off comfortably at the time, but somehow they kept coming back to his mind, each time Peter sneaked out the dorm when he thought everyone to be asleep. Each time he stuffed the Marauder's Map in his pocket and left the common room, each time he disappeared. It happened more and more often. And James hated that Lily's words stuck to his brain like this.

Mary's hand had slipped into Lily's comfortably and they were walking together down the corridor, a couple steps in front of James. He looked at their intertwined fingers with a longing he couldn't help. Lily's hand, white and small, would fit so perfectly in his. Her peachy skin would be so soft against his, and all it would take to know that feeling would be for him to wait until they were alone, and hold out his hand the same way Mary had.

Of course that was a daydream. Of course Lily would never take his hand. But he allowed himself to live just a couple more seconds in that perfect moment of anticipation, in that moment when everything was possible.

Lily turned to look at him over her shoulder and James immediately snapped out of his reverie.

“Pick up the pace, James! You're the fastest Chaser in your team, how are you so slow on the ground?”

James' snarky reply died on his lips when he saw the happy crinkles at the corner of her eyes. He jogged awkwardly to catch up with the girls and Mary shot him a curious look as soon as he got to their level. She then looked back at Lily, confusion still plastered across her face.

“Since when do you call him James?”

Lily's lips parted a little and she stared into nothing, as if she had just been caught in a lie and was thinking about the best way to get out of it.

“You always called him Potter,” continued Mary as they climbed a flight of stairs. “Potter this, Potter that... it was constant at one point, when did you switch to his first name?”

Looking immensely confused, Lily did not reply, her lips still parted slightly and her brows furrowed.

“So... she talks about me then, huh?” asked James to break the silence, nudging Mary with his elbow.

“So much,” sighed Mary. “It's exhausting. Please stop pissing her off every two seconds, I can't keep hearing about whatever shit you were up to during the day when I get in my dorm. It's supposed to be my peace and quiet zone but lately it's just been the Lily-Evans-complains-about-James-Potter-zone.”

Lily, having finally emerged from whatever trance she was under, rolled her eyes at Mary and swatted her arm.

“She's exaggerating,” she said to James. “I really don't talk about you that much.”

_It's constant_ , mouthed Mary, and James laughed wholeheartedly at her annoyed expression. Lily threw her hands in the air in a defeated gesture but there was the shadow of a smile on her lips.

“Sounds like you can't keep me off your mind, Evans,” James wiggled his eyebrows at her, trying to imitate Sirius' perfect eyebrow arch.

“Oh piss off, your head doesn't need to get any bigger.”

Visibly trying hard to contain her laughter, Mary hooked her left arm through Lily's, and did the same on the other side with James, so they all walked arm-in-arm.

Both Lily and Mary were witty and smart, and James naturally held back and let the conversation happen, preferring to focus on the blush on Lily's cheeks and his hammering heart. He didn't remember the last time he had felt so happy.

He had been wrong to be so mad at Mary for what she have done to Peter, he realized. They were kids, they were all kids. Mary was young and carefree, dumb sometimes, brilliant often. Insecure, but always honest. He was grateful for her, and for the way she was bringing him and Lily together, past their fight, past the awkwardness, past everything. No hard feelings.

When they finally arrived in the third floor's corridor, James drew his wand and tapped the back of the statue.

“ _Dissendium_.” The secret passageway opened up on the hunched witch's back, revealing a short stone slide. Amazed, Mary opened wide eyes as Lily nodded at James appreciatively.

“Thank you! I owe you one!” Mary rushed to James and planted a kiss on his cheek before he could even move. She did the same with Lily, and disappeared down the tunnel with one last look behind her.

“Goodnight, love-birds!”

Lily's face was almost as red as her hair when James turned to her. He thanked everything he knew for his darker complexion, that made his own blushing much less apparent.

“I can't believe her,” said Lily finally.

“I can't believe _you_. I never would have thought you'd let her go, nevermind help her break the rules.”

“I told you before and I'm telling you again: I'm not the perfect goody-two-shoe everyone thinks me to be,” she smiled and scrunched up her nose adorably. “I break rules all the time, I just never get caught. Unlike someone I know,” she added with a wink that made James' knees weak.

“Of course you never get caught, you're the prefect!”

They grinned at each other and went back on their way. They walked for a while, did rounds around the castle more times than they were supposed to, and they talked and they laughed and they had so much fun James even forgot to kiss her.

And had James not been too caught up in Lily, and had Lily not been too caught up in him, perhaps they would have heard, in the distance, the howling of the wolves and the screaming of their prey.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! let me know what you think! also please tell me what you want to see more of, or less of, or whatever suggestions you might have!! love u!!


	42. Mary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's Saturday, but I have to babysit until late tonight and I don't know at what time I'll be up on Sunday (or if i'll be up at all lmao) so I'm posting now!! Please enjoy!

The sleepless night easily transitioned into a quiet morning and James gave up on getting any sleep at all. He had gone to bed at an impossible hour of the night after rounds with Lily had turned into a lovely walk around the castle.

He was so tired he didn't even remember getting to bed. A simple look underneath the covers confirmed that he was still fully dressed. He rolled out of bed, stretched like a cat and yawned loudly.

He was too hungry to sleep anyway.

Details of last night came back to him in bits and pieces. The way Lily had smiled at him, laughed at his jokes. How she had tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, the soft blush on her cheeks. How she had rolled her eyes at him, how she had looked at him, looked at him like she was really seeing him.

He caught himself smiling like an idiot. He felt light. Like he could walk on clouds.

He took a quick shower and changed into fresh clothes before heading downstairs for breakfast. He knew his friends would have already brought food down to the infirmary for Remus, so he could just eat in the Great Hall rapidly before joining them.

He wanted to see Lily and maybe have breakfast with her, if she was okay with it. It was crazy because it couldn't have been more than three hours since they had last seen each other, but he missed her.

When he arrived in the Great Hall, she was already there, seemingly engaged into an intense conversation with Marlene, and James smiled. _Beamed_.

She did the same when she saw him approaching. There were dark circles under her eyes, her hair was up in a messy bun and her smile was blinding. She looked beautiful. Effortlessly.

He sat on the bench next to her, stole the toast from her plate and bit into it.

“Quit it, James!” Lily swatted him on the arm, repressing a smile. “Marlene was trying to tell me something!”

“Sorry,” mumbled James with his mouth full. He wasn't sorry at all. “Go ahead, Marls.”

“Mary hasn't slept in her bed,” whispered Marlene, leaning over the table to not be overheard. “You don't think she spent the night with Peter, do you?”

James shook his head, frowning. Peter would have been with Remus and Sirius all night in the Shack, or in the forest if they had deemed it safe. But then again, Peter was not himself lately and James could totally rule out the fact that he had not been with Remus. Still, he choose to trust him.

“No, she couldn't have.”

“Where is she then?”

James threw a glance at Lily and she looked back at him worryingly. Surely, Mary had found her way back to the castle after leaving for Hogsmeade. Surely, she was fine.

Lily looked like she was about to say something when she was interrupted by a new presence in front of them, just behind Marlene.

“Potter, Evans, McKinnon, if I may have a word with you in my office?” More than the tone of urgency, it was the tremble in McGonagall voice that froze James' blood in his veins. The deputy headmistress never let emotions overtake her, she never was anything less than strict and calm. But now, standing before them, she was clasping her hands together to stop them from shaking.

James looked up, desperate to see that half-smile, that twitch at the corner of her lips she only reserved for him. But her face was blank.

They walked in silence the whole way. In heightened anxiety, like they were balancing on the edge of a bottomless cliff and the softest of breeze could knock them over. Marlene was walking just a little in front of James, Lily just a little behind. The echo of their footsteps filled James' brain and he let that be the only thing in his head. He couldn't think, he didn't want to think.

Because if he did, he would remember Mary's smile as she left for Hogsmeade. He would remember that last night was the full moon and if he thought, if he really thought, he would remember it was the war. Because there was more to life than adolescent love. There were wolves circling the castle, he had heard them himself. He didn't allow himself to think about it. He wanted to think about everything else but Mary, outside, with the wolves.

The door to McGonagall's office fell shut behind them with a resounding click and the tension in the room thickened. It was hard to breathe.

She gave them a sign they could sit, which they all declined silently. There was a knot growing in James' throat and he knew it was the same for Lily and Marlene. He wanted to speak, to ask the question that was on everyone's lips but speaking the words would make them real, it would make everything real and right now nothing was.

It was up in the air, the thick, heavy air, and he wanted the seconds to stretch into infinity so he wouldn't have to know the answer. He didn't want to know.

He barely heard the words when they fell from McGonagall's lips. They were drowned out by white noise. He barely saw the single tear rolling down her cheek and he barely understood what she was saying, that Mary was gone. Dead.

He wouldn't have felt any differently if the world had shattered under his feet. And he would be strong, he would be strong.

But the _pain_.

It was a pain he didn't know he could survive. It crawled inside of him, suffocating, intoxicating, a boiling poison in his lungs. It crawled and it crawled in his veins until it washed over him like a storm, indescribable, unbearable.

Unstoppable.

But he would be strong, he would be strong.

His body shivered and a single sob escaped his lips, breaking the heavy silence. It was all he would allow himself, one second of weakness before Marlene's gut-wrenching scream filled the room. Her legs collapsed under her but James was there and he caught her before she hit the ground, holding her shaking shoulders against him as she screamed and screamed and screamed into his chest.

He would be strong, he would be strong for her and for Lily who stood in stunned silence, drowning in her own tears.

He would be strong.

But the _pain_.

The pain.

It climbed up his spine, to the attic of his throat and it stayed there, stuck, incapable to come out and escape his body. The pain was trapped and it hurt it hurt it hurt inside and out.

But he would be strong, he would be strong.

Still squeezing Marlene against his chest, James reached out his hand to touch Lily's elbow and pull her closer to him. He needed to see her, to feel her, before he was inevitably blinded by the pain. The pain.

But he would be strong, he would be strong.

Lily took a shy step towards him before her legs gave out too. James caught her with his left arm and held her tight. Lily gasped for air, buried her face in his chest and cried and cried and cried and Marlene screamed and screamed and screamed.

But James was strong. Strong enough to hold them both.

So he did.

For hours, he held them as they grasped his shoulders, clasping the fabric of his shirt as if he was the one stable thing in a world of chaos. For hours, he was their rock and he kept them afloat.

He didn't shed a tear.

How could he, when the overwhelming guilt was stronger than his grief? For hours he remained motionless in a tempest that tore the very foundations of his being. Who was he, if not a monster that had sent a friend to her certain death, by pure carelessness?

McGonagall had gone, she had left silently a long time ago, and had transfigurated her desk into three small comfortable beds. He didn't know when but James had lowered himself and the girls onto the closest one. He had helped them crawl up next to him, almost carried them when they were too numb to carry themselves.

He didn't know when but silence had filled the room. The girls had rested their heads on his chest and closed their eyes and peacefully, gracefully, everything had gone quiet.

It was almost worse for James. Quiet was a void that swallowed him whole, every part of him, and spat him back an empty shell. He wanted noise, he wanted chaos, he wanted to _scream_.

“You haven't cried at all.” Lily's voice, low and hoarse, broke the deafening silence and James looked down to see she was awake. Her eyes were dry, but red and puffy, and she was staring at James with an intensity he had never before seen in her.

“I have to be strong,” he said quietly, because it was true and because Marlene looked so small nestled under his protective arm.

Lily sat up next to James so they were on the same level, and he leaned against her because he was so tired to sit upright. He rested his head on her shoulder and she thread her fingers through his hair, stroking him gently, softly and the touch awoke a sleeping feeling inside of him, a feeling that grew and grew and grew.

“We can take turns being the strong one,” Lily murmured against his temple, and the feeling burst inside of James and a sob escaped his lips, followed by another, then another.

The pain was immense. Overpowering.

There was so much he wanted to say to her, things like _thank you_ , or _I'm_ _so_ _sorry_. Things like _I love you_ or _I'll never let you die_. His words were drowned out by his tears, but he grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly and he knew she understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm only vaguely sorry


	43. Marlene can smell love from a mile away and she doesn't like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think I'm gonna start posting on saturdays, what do you think? But also not every saturday, because I'm so busy with college I barely have time to write now

Months passed.

Months that felt like years.

Because Mary was muggleborn, the Wizarding world had not cared. Yes, her death had made the headline of the Daily Prophet the next morning - _'Muggleborn killed in gruesome attack in Hogsmeade'-_ but after two days both the papers and the Ministry seemed to have forgotten.

They didn't even mention her name.

There hadn't even been an inquiry.

None of the articles had mentioned how bright she was, how vivacious. They didn't talk about the fact that she was sixteen and had her whole life ahead of her, they didn't say any of those cliché things you say when someone dies too young. Even in her death, she had been reduced to her blood status. And there was a lot of that going around these days.

Lily still smiled and sometimes she even laughed but it never felt sincere. The light of happiness had been sucked out of her.

As much as he hated it, James understood. It was hard everyday, still. When the portrait slid open and Lily walked in the common room behind Marlene, it always took James a second to look away, realizing he was expecting to see someone that would never come.

And if it was hard for him, he couldn't imagine how it must have been for the girls. How empty their dorm must feel. How each second of everyday, they would be reminded, in the little things, of a cruel absence.

Marlene had stepped down from her role as Quidditch captain, and out of respect for her and everyone involved, the Inter-house Quidditch Cup had been cancelled.

It was hard for Remus too. He was skin and bones, more scared of himself than he ever was. Sirius had told James what had happened that night, how the wolf had heard the others and fought harder than ever to join them. By a miracle, Sirius had been able to drag him back down the tunnel to the Shack and they had stayed there all night, fighting, bleeding, howling.

But most of all, it was hard for Peter. These days, he disappeared for hours at a time, taking the Map so his friends wouldn't try to find him. No one knew where he went and he wouldn't talk about it. James had never seen him so defeated.

Perhaps it would never get easier.

But he could try to make it better.

They couldn't keep living this way, each of them alone in their bubbles of anger, resentment and sadness. And if James had to take matters into his own hands and confront each of his friends, one by one, to get them to open up and _talk_ , just talk, then maybe they wouldn't have to grieve alone.

“What do you want, James?” Lily sighed, visibly unable to ignore James staring at her from the other side of the desk. She was monitoring his detention again, and he was determined to use this opportunity to talk to her.

“I want a conversation. A real one. No lies and no tears. And no arguing.” Lily huffed and James smiled. They both knew that a conversation between the two of them was bound to end with at least one of them yelling. “Well, as little arguing as we can manage.”

“Why?” She looked up at him defiantly. Her eyes were red but there was strength in the way she held herself, like an old house resisting a storm.

“I just want to talk to you, Lily. I feel like we haven't talked in ages.”

“Yeah, well, maybe there's a reason for that,” she said sharply, before going back to the homework spread on her desk. James sat on the table in front of her, watching her hide behind a curtain of her hair.

“What do you mean?”

“You make me do stupid things.” Visibly irritated, she put down her quill and looked back at him, her voice already rising. “Do you know what happened, the last time we properly talked? Mary died. Because you were with me and I was stupid, and, and... because I didn't _think_!”

Her voice broke at the last word and she closed her eyes, and the pain, the oh so familiar pain could be read all over her face.

“Lily... it's not your fault.”

“No,” she interrupted him coldly. “It's ours.”

She was right. She was right and it hurt but James was used to it. For months, he had laid awake at night, replaying everything that had happened in his head. For months, he had blamed himself, because it _was_ their fault, truly. For months, the guilt had consumed him but not any more. He wouldn't let it.

“Yeah,” he said, and Lily lifted her head in surprise. “Yeah, it's our fault. It's also Peter's in a way. And it's also Mary's. A lot of people are at fault, a lot of people made stupid decisions and we are no exception, but we didn't _kill_ her.”

“It's as if we had.”

“No. We tried to help our friend, because we wanted to see her happy, and because she asked us to. Sure, we were dumb, we were so dumb, but there's nothing we can do about it now. And avoiding each other, avoiding having a conversation isn't gonna change what happened. It's only gonna make us both miserable.”

The muscles in Lily's jaw tightened, and she opened her eyes, looking straight at James.

“I can't see how talking about it is going to solve anything,” she said, and her voice was shaking but her eyes were dry. “Mary isn't coming back, and I... I don't think I'll ever be the same again.”

James nodded. Lily didn't look so angry any more, and she was talking to him, really talking to him, for the first time in months. He felt his heart swell, for the first time in a long time, in a sign of life. Or perhaps of hope.

“Life is gonna suck for a while,” he answered. “But I've never stopped believing that one day, eventually, we'll be okay.”

“We?”

“Everyone. You and Marlene. Sirius, Remus, Peter and me. We'll be fine eventually. It's gonna take a while, but we will.”

Lily looked away.

“I think that's precisely what I'm afraid of. Being okay. It doesn't feel fair, without her. How am I supposed to be happy, to be really, genuinely happy, knowing she won't get to any more?”

Truth was, he simply didn't know. He had tried to answer that question many times, had thought about it for hours on end. He had come back with nothing but the usual platitudes he knew wouldn't satisfy Lily: ' _Mary would have wanted you to be happy_ _'_ and ' _she isn't dead as long as you keep her spirit alive_ '. But you can't fill an empty space with meaningless words. So he stayed quiet.

“I miss her, James.”

“I know.”

Lily tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and went back to her homework. James looked at her for a few more seconds before grabbing his quill. Silence fell on the already quiet room, a long, comfortable silence James used to think.

He wanted to make things better. For him, for Lily, for everyone. He refused to admit that this power was out of his hands. He had to believe that even those simple words he had exchanged with Lily had made an impact.

“Do you really believe what you said?”

James looked up. Lily had moved from the desk and was standing at the window, looking out to the pouring rain. Her fingers were tracing the path of raindrops on the glass. Her attitude had shifted. Drastically so.

There was no sadness in the way she stood, only determination. Her jaw was clenched and she looked tall. Strong.

“Believe what?”

“That we'll be okay.”

James put down his quill. He wouldn't get any writing done tonight, and if he was honest with himself he didn't want to. He crossed his ankles under his chair and took the time to find the proper words. They needed to be perfect.

“I think... I think right now it's hard for all of us to imagine a future in which we can grow old. But it doesn't mean it's not there. We'll need to fight for it and some of us may even have to die for it. We... We're gonna get through a couple of difficult months. Years even. But at the end of the day, peace, happiness and love are the things we fight for, and the things that will be waiting for us when this is all over.”

“But is it worth dying for?” retorted Lily, turning back to James. “Love?”

“I would.” The silence that filled the room was only disturbed by the slight tapping of the rain against the windows. “I would. In a heartbeat.”

Lily's eyes darkened and she looked down, shaking her head softly.

“So why do we need to wait to get to it?” she said after a while, so low the words were barely perceptible. “You said happiness and love are waiting for us when all of this is over but don't we deserve to be happy even at war? Can't we know love now?”

She turned to James and leaned back on the window. He expected to see tears on her face but there were none. She simply looked determined, and there was something new in the way she was looking at him. He couldn't quite put his fingers on it, couldn't quite understand what it was, but it sent his heart fluttering against his ribcage, for the first time in months.

“I like to believe we can,” he answered, in the same low tone, his deep voice filling the space between them. He looked into her eyes and she looked into his before turning away. She bit the inside of her cheek before nodding slowly, as if in deep thought.

Her fingers left the window to run on the edge of a table near her, and she looked at the patterns she was tracing in silence for a while.

“So what do you think your future holds?”

_You_ , he thought.

“The war,” he said. “For now at least.” She dismissed his answer with a wave of the hand and walked closer to him, watching him.

“A hypothetical future. One where the war doesn't exist. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be?”

James opened his mouth, ready for the words to roll out of his tongue, but nothing came. He didn't know, he realized. No matter how much he wanted to believe in a perfect future, the one he was always talking about, he didn't know who he was without the war, and that single thought was terrifying. He closed his mouth and once again took the time to think.

“I think... I would want to be a father,” he said finally.

“You?” Lily smiled, the most sincere smile in months. Her eyes lit up with amusement and James felt everything melt away, the stress, the sadness, the grief, everything lifted off his shoulder for one quick second. Because when Lily Evans smiled like that, nothing else existed.

“Don't laugh!” he protested weakly.

“I'm not!” said Lily, biting the inside of her cheek to repress an even wider smile. “I just didn't take you for someone who wants a family.”

“Guess you just don't know me that well.”

“Guess not.” She bit her lip and walked around James' table, sitting on the edge of it so that she was facing him. He was still sitting down and he enjoyed looking up at her. It didn't happen often, and he relished that sight.

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on his chair. They said nothing for a while and just looked at each other in comfortable silence. Her eyes were moving over him, slowly, carefully, as if she was taking in every detail of him.

It was dark outside, and in the dim lit room. But Lily was sunlight and everything brightened at her touch. It was reinvigorating, simply watching her.

They were so close and the room was so quiet. So empty.

It would only take a second for everything to change, for their bodies to crash together to the sound of the thunder, for their lips to meet, but James refused to think about it.

“And who do you see yourself having a family with?” continued Lily, as if the silence had not lasted more than a second. Her tone was undecipherable, flat. Awaiting answers but not commanding. Hard on the surface, soft underneath. “Who is it that you love?”

“Who said there was someone I loved already?”

“Are you saying there isn't?”

“No. There is.”

“Who?”

Her. She was his future and she knew it. He could tell from the way she was looking at him, her chin lifted, her eyes soft, she knew it. So why did she need to ask?

Perhaps she simply wanted him to say it out loud. Make it real. So he did.

“You. But I know it's impossible.”

“Is it?” Her voice was breathy, shaky, and so beautiful as she leaned closer to him. James stopped breathing, because she was staring at his lips and because he could see each of her freckles on her sun kissed skin, and the delicate blush running over her cheeks, and because she leaned in even closer.

Inches separated them. Seconds.

When time stopped they were infinite.

A dream James was bound to wake up from.

A knock on the door made Lily jump, and she immediately reversed her motion and moved away from James. In a heartbeat, the moment was over. Shattered so fast it might as well have been a dream.

“Can I come in?” Marlene's voice, through the door, was quiet and hesitant.

“Yeah,” answered Lily loudly as she sat back at her desk. She didn't look at James but he couldn't take his eyes off her. She would have kissed him. She would have kissed him, she had been about to.

“Sorry,” said Marlene as she slid through the door she had cracked open and closing it. “The dorm room just felt really empty.”

James barely took the time to acknowledge her presence, for his heart was hammering in his chest and he still couldn't comprehend what had just happened.

Lily had been about to kiss him.

_Lily_.

_Him_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Completely unrelated but on a scale of 1 to 10 how mad at me would you be if I titled another chapter 'the idiots'?


	44. The idiots 3.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy saturday everyone!!!

It had been a week now, the longest of James' life. 

He hadn't been able to talk to Lily about what happened at all. For the past six days, she had been doing everything she could so that she would never have to be alone with him and it was the worst feeling of all. He had looked for her at every meal, waited for her behind the door of a Slug Club party, and had even tried to follow her at the end of classes, but she always disappeared so suddenly James suspected her to have her own Invisibility cloak.

He had not yet been able to stop thinking about that almost-kiss. How could he? He was still stuck in this hazy fog of a moment, when her warm breath had tickled his face, when her perfume had engulfed him, and when time had stopped abruptly, sharpening reality.

He had not yet been able to forget the golden specks in her eyes, tiniest and most gorgeous detail he would have never been able to notice, had she not been so close.

She had been about to kiss him, yet now, it seemed at though she wanted nothing to do with him.

As he sat in class, watching her twist her quill between her fingers, he would have given everything he owned to be able to read her mind.

Her hair was up into a tight ponytail and when a loose strand fell in front of her face she tucked it away with the utmost concentration. Stubbornness was written into her jaw, her eyes. She was a magnet and he was drawn to her. Or perhaps she was a planet and what he felt was the gravitational pull. Whatever it was, it was a force greater than himself, one James could not resist.

“You're drooling on your paper, Prongs.”

“Fuck off, Padfoot.”

James shifted in his seat self-consciously. He didn't want Lily to know he was staring. Or maybe he did. He wasn't sure about anything any more, except for the fact that he wanted,  _ needed _ , to talk to her.

Finally, he decided to start listening to Alice, who was enumerating the steps necessary to recognise Dark Magic.

Preliminary Auror training was now mandatory for all students, as it replaced the traditional Defence Against the Dark Arts course while the teacher's position was still vacant. It was mostly taught by Alice, but Frank Longbottom came along from time to time, when he wasn't swamped with work.

The former Head Boy had turned into a handsome man, tall and lean, with dark eyes and a square jaw. The Auror training had been kind on him and his tight Auror uniform left nothing to the imagination when it came to his muscular build. James was the first to admit he understood exactly why Alice fancied him. Because in all the years he had known her, he had never seen Alice so smitten.

Though if he really thought about it, it was bound to happen. Love was not something you could just decide to abstain from. When it caught you and it held you, there was no escaping it. It was not something you could just pause while waiting for better life conditions. Love, like war, stopped for no one.

Perhaps that's what he should have told Lily during their conversation last week. Perhaps it was exactly what he told her, but he couldn't remember, lost as he was in the haze of that almost-kiss. 

Unconsciously, his gaze drifted back to her. 

After what happened to Mary, she had thrown herself into training, body and soul. She rapidly had become the best in the class, executing every new spell with perfection, understanding immensely complicated layers of magic.

It was no fire burning in her eyes. It was an inferno.

She was more determined, more hard-working. More fearless in a way. More powerful.

And he loved her for it.

And he wouldn't let her go. He grabbed his quill, ripped up a bit of parchment and wrote her a note.

_ need to talk to you. meet me in Peeve's room tonight please -JP _

He slid the note under the table to Sirius, who understood immediately and relayed it to Lily. James watched anxiously as she unfolded the paper and read the words before crumpling the note into her fist.

_ No _ , she mouthed, turning to him for only a split second. James huffed and ripped out another piece of parchment.

_ why -JP _

This time, Lily didn't even bother looking at him, never mind answering him. She brushed the note off her desk after reading it and ignored the question. 

_ so what, you try to kiss me and the next day you don't even acknowledge I exist? thought we were mates -JP _

Sirius took the neatly folded paper from him for the third time and looked down at it questioningly.

“I think you're mistaking me for an owl, Prongs.”

“Certainly not,” James whispered back. “Owls are silent. Pass it through please.”

“Can I at least read it?”

“No!”

“Well, now I definitely want to read it.”

“Don't you dare!” James reached his hand under Sirius' desk in an attempt to grab back the note but Sirius was quicker and held it out of reach. Dragging his chair across the floor to get closer to his friend, James wrestled with Sirius for a couple of seconds before Alice noticed them.

“Potter, Black! What are you playing with?”

“Nothing,” replied James, much too fast.

“Let me see.” She walked up to them and held out her hand expectantly, and suddenly James realised what was about to happen. Alice liked him too much to let him get away with not listening. Same way she liked him too much to not embarrass him any chance she got. If she got her hands on that note, she would read it aloud for the whole class to hear.

Two tables away, Lily seemed to have come to the same conclusion, seeing as the blood had drained from her face and she was biting her nails in anticipation. Sirius was still holding the paper firmly in his hand and seemed to understand the gravity of the situation from the look on James' face. So he did what any reasonable, loyal friend would have done in his place. He stuffed the note in his mouth and swallowed it.

Silence filled the classroom as a blank look settled on Alice's face.

“Well, now I've seen everything.” She stepped back and continued teaching the class as if nothing happened, while Remus dived under his own desk to hide his hilarity.

“You're a really good friend, Pads,” whispered James under his breath.

“The things I do for love. Now you definitely have to tell me what was on that note.”

“Later.”

“Fine.”

James risked another glance in Lily's direction. If she had been amused by Sirius' artful solution, she didn't let it show. She was focused again, listening to Alice and taking notes faster than James could comprehend.

He tried not to stare but he couldn't help it. Especially because it was clear now she knew he was watching. 

When the bell rang, Lily almost jumped out of her seat and left the classroom before James even had the time to gather his things. He sighed and Remus landed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“She'll talk to you when she's ready, Prongs.” 

Surprised, James turned to look up at his friend.

“How much exactly do you know?” he asked as he pushed his glasses up his nose, searching Remus' expression for hints he knew more than he was letting on.

“Not much. Only that you've been stalking Lily for a week now, looking to speak to her by any means necessary, but that she's avoiding you for some reason. And because you haven't told us about it, I'm guessing it's important.”

“I can tell you,” said James quickly, throwing his school bag over his shoulder. “It's just... I just... I don't know exactly what it is. So I don't exactly know what to tell you.”

“How about you just talk, mate?” suggested Sirius. “Doesn't even need to make sense, we're used to you being completely incoherent when it comes to Evans.”

So James told them.

As they walked back to the Gryffindor Tower, he told them about the night Mary died, that perfect, perfect night, when they had shared secrets and smiles and made the biggest mistakes of their lives. As they entered their dorm room, James told them about last week, when he had confronted Lily and when time stood still as she leaned in closer. He told them about the almost-kiss, about the heart-break, the beautiful heartbreak. 

He told them what was in the notes, and he told them just how powerless he felt. Like he had no say in anything when it came to Lily, because it was always her, her decision to kiss him and her decision to run from him. While he was just supposed to stand still, waiting for her to pick a side, stick to it and stop toying with his feelings.

“She's grieving, James. Give her time,” said Remus softly, once James was done explaining everything.

“We're all grieving, Moony,” he retorted. “And frankly, I don't know if there's ever gonna be a time when we won't be. I'm not saying she doesn't get to be upset, or hurt, because she does. What I mean is... this affects me too.”

Sirius nodded gravely as he settled on Remus' lap.

“You need to talk to her. Or snog her. Or both. Preferably not at the same time, but you know, do what you must.”

Indignant, Remus poked Sirius' ribs with a skinny finger. 

“No! He needs to give her space, and let her figure out whatever she needs to figure out on her own.” 

James smiled at them as they started to play wrestle and almost fell off the bed. They were both making valid points. Or rather, Remus was making a valid point and Sirius was saying what he knew James wanted to hear. Which was perfect for him.

“By any chance, does one of you have the Map?” he asked as he got up from his bed. 

“No, Peter told us he gave it to you last night.”

“I didn't even see Peter last night,” said James, repressing a frown as Lily's words came back to his mind. ( _I just don't trust him!)_ Sirius shrugged, too busy trying to strangle Remus with his own arm to really pay attention to the exchange.

“Well, you know how he's been those past couple months. Probably just forgot.”

“Probably,” repeated James slowly. He walked out of the room with no real destination in mind, and perhaps one too many goals. He needed to find the Map, Peter, Lily and a way to make the latter talk to him. Piece of cake.

He left the common room and just walked, letting his mind wander. It was already sundown but there was another hour left until curfew. And he needed to think.

He didn't realise it right away, but he was recreating the path Lily and him had took during their rounds, the night Mary died. It had been an unconscious decision, and a very poor one, as it led him to the last place he wanted to see.

He had not been in the Gunhilda of Gorsemoor Corridor since that night. It was the last place he ever saw Mary.

His gaze trailed on the stones lining the walls, where her last words had bounced. The entire corridor was tainted by a happy memory, soon turned tragic. It was the one place in the castle he avoided. 

So it made perfect sense that Lily would be sitting here. She jumped to her feet as soon as she saw him, and walked away from him quickly, disappearing down a dark corridor.

So really, what choice did James have but to chase after her?

“Lily!” She was walking fast, her ponytail swaying behind her as she ignored James' call completely and ran down a flight of stairs. “Lily!”

She didn't look back and gave no sign she had heard him at all, simply walking a little faster. James clenched his fists in frustration and accelerated, his loud footsteps echoing down the stairs like thunder.

“Evans!” he called, angrily, in one last desperate attempt.

“What?” She turned around so fast and her voice was so sharp James took a step back in spite of himself. He didn't think she would actually turn to face him, much less answer him. This past week, he had grown so used to her slipping through his fingers, he hadn't given any thought to what he actually wanted to say to her.

“We need to talk about what happened last week in detention,” he blurred out a second too late, and Lily rolled her eyes and kept walking.

“Nothing happened!”

“Stop pretending it was nothing!” said James, easily catching up with her and matching her speed. “It clearly wasn't!”

“I don't know what you're talking about! And I'm so tired of you always wanting to talk about everything!”

“What, would you rather do something else than talking?” he yelled, to be provocative, to get a reaction out of her, to make her _look at him_.  “You tried to kiss me, Lily!” He barely had time to finish his sentence before her wand was out and pointed at him. He raised his hands defensively before realising that the damage had already been done and that his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

He never knew Lily's Silencing Charms could so effective. He never knew she was so strong, but he certainly did now, as she shoved him into an empty classroom and slammed the door behind them.

“Fine!” she erupted. “Fine, yeah, I did. Because I was lonely and miserable and a mess, and because you were _there_. Happy? ”

She flicked her wand and broke the Silencing Charm but James didn't open his mouth. 

Jaw clenched, he just looked at her. Stared at her, really, in a moment that felt suspended in time. Her words had hurt him, every single one of them, and in her face he looked for signs that she didn ’t mean them but there were none.

There was so much he wanted to say, so many things unsaid, drowned out by the noise of his thudding heartbeat. 

There was so much he was feeling. So much but mostly disappointment. He didn't believe Lily could have been so cruel to let him believe there was something there, something mutual, and let him hold on to it just for a second before tearing it away from his hands. He didn't believe Lily would have let him to hope, when truly nothing was there.

Finally, fatally, she faltered under his stare, her shoulders rounding as the guilt seemed to physically settle on her.

“Look, I'm sorry,” she said, and all anger seemed to have left her. “I know that's not you want to hear right now and I hate to say it like this but... I need space and I need time. I have so much healing to do still. So much growing, so much forgiving. Of you and of myself. I'm sorry I made you think there was anything between us, but I'm constantly overwhelmed, and constantly sad, and you had just offered me the first words of comfort I'd heard in a while. I made a mistake getting too close to you and I'm really sorry about that. Right now I can't... I'm not ready to-” She interrupted and looked away, blinking to chase the tears from her eyes.

James shook his head, his heart shattering over an apology he refused to hear. It wasn't true, it couldn't be true. 

Desperately, he tried to hold on, to the little things. Like the way her nails were digging into her palms so hard her knuckles were turning white, like how she wouldn't look at him in the eyes, and how her voice was shaking, like the words struggled to get past her throat.

Desperately, he tried to quiet down the storm of emotion rising inside his heart. There was anger and there was pain and frustration and there was heartbreak and there was anger again. And he didn't want to be angry and he didn't want to raise his voice, not when Lily's eyes were already filled with tears. But he couldn't help it. He was furious.

“Look at me,” he said, louder than he wanted. “Look at me and tell me you don't have feelings for me. Lily, look at me and tell me there's nothing between us.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks. Tears that were heavier than the world. There was such sadness in her eyes, such desperation.

“James,” she pleaded, shaking her head. “Please James, don't make me do this, please don't make me say it.”

“Just tell me. Just tell me so I can move on.”

She shut her eyes tightly and James' heart bled from the pain that she expressed, the same pain he was feeling. Funny how, in this moment, standing on opposite ends of the world, they shared everything. 

“I can't say it, James,” she whispered, choking on her own tears.“I don't want to hurt you.”

“Not knowing is hurting me,” he replied, too loud and too angrily. “Having to always guess what you're feeling is hurting me. I'm hurt when you avoid me and I'm hurt when you lie to me. So please, be honest. Be honest just this one time. Look at me and tell me you feel something for me. Anything,” he repeated in a strangled voice, and he wiped the tears from his face before she could notice them.

“I don't.”

 

And that is how a world crumbles. Quietly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you are all very much allowed to hate me


	45. Erised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday!

It all seemed so dull now. 

On his way back to his dorm, James tried to untangle the knot of emotion stuck inside his throat. Unsuccessfully. 

He felt empty, out of love, out of life, out of  _ everything _ . As if his own breath had been knocked out of him.

He rapped on the door of their room before opening it, but didn't bother waiting for an answer to enter.

“What happened to you?” Even the voice of his friends, laced with worry, felt distant.

“I don't know Moony,” James heard himself answer. “What happens every year without fail?”

There was a pause in which James knew they were staring at him, at his red eyes and the ghosts of his tears still caught on his cheeks. They could see through him better than anyone else could and James let them.

“Evans rejected you again, huh?” There was Sirius and a tone he probably hoped nonchalant and was anything but.

“No, no, she wouldn't, she told me-” There was Remus and the soft words of denial he spoke under his breath. “I thought- I need to talk to her.”

“Don't.” And there was James, angry and cold. “It's useless, she's made her decision. It was stupid of me to believe that I could make her like me.”

He felt his friends' gaze digging a hole on his back as he crawled on his bed and closed the curtains around him. It was early still but he wanted to sleep. 

He didn't know if there was any other remedy to heartbreak. He didn't know if he had ever been so hurt before, or if he even had the right to feel this angry, because it was wrong to feel entitled to some type of love from Lily. She didn ’t owe him anything and the friendship they had cultivated was beautiful and unexpected.

But somehow it felt like it was over.

Something had broken between him and Lily, an invisible connection, an implicit agreement, something he didn ’t even realise was there. If he was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to ever see her again, because however hard the times were right now, she was the one causing him the most pain.

So why couldn ’t he stop thinking about her? Why couldn’t he just push forward and put all of this behind him, why did he have to fall in love with the one girl who seemed to love breaking his heart? It hurt. It hurt because he had to let her go.

Unable to find the motivation to move, he laid above the covers, with his clothes on and eyes wide open. Specks of dust were dancing in the last rays of sunlight that peered through a crack in his curtains. In a childish instinct, he raised his hand to catch them, but suspended his motion at the last second. He was not a child and his random impulses of destruction had to come to an end.

That was what had happened with Lily. The more he looked back on it, the more clearly he could see it. Chasing after her, confronting her, forcing her to say something he himself wasn ’t ready to hear. That was all him and he couldn’t blame her. It was him and his stupid need for answers, his desperate attempt at clarification, and his idiotic, nonreciprocal love.

In the bedroom, his friends ’ precipitated whispering had stopped and he was drowning in silence. He would never be able to sleep.

He woke up hours later.

The sunlight had faded completely, and had been replaced by the quiet of the night. James blinked once, twice, trying to understand what had woken him up so suddenly from what had been a very pleasant dream. He readjusted his glasses on his face and his eyes took a moment to get used to the darkness, and when they finally did, it was for him to see, at the foot of the bed, the three faces of his friends staring straight at him.

“Wakey wakey.”

“Merlin, you guys are creepy.” 

“That’s rich, coming from the guy who just spent five minutes making out with his pillow in his sleep.” 

“Don’t listen to them,” James said to his pillow, wiping the drool from his face with a quick gesture. “They’ll never understand what we have.”

“He’s more affected than we thought,” said Sirius as if James wasn’t there and couldn’t hear every word. “I’m changing the status of Operation Distraction from necessary to extremely necessary.”

James yawned loudly and propped himself up on one elbow.  “What’s Operation Distraction and can I put a stop to it?”

“It’s one good ol’fashion game of Maraudering. And no.” Remus’ tone was decisive despite his slight smile, and James had a terrifying realisation: if Remus of all people was willing to stoop to the level of neologism, then it meant they were serious.

“It’s our last night of freedom before end of the year exams start,” added Peter. “Please come with us.”

James leaned back and stuffed his pillow over his face to hide himself.  “I'm not in the mood to play, I'm not twelve any more,” he said grumpily.

“That's where you're wrong, bud,” said Sirius. “You're eighteen, so technically you _are_ twelve, you just have six more years added. You don't stop being twelve when you grow up because you don't transform into another being at each of your birthdays, you just get another year older. ”

“That's the stupidest reasoning I have ever heard.”

“Well, deal with it, arsehole. We want to play.”

“What if I told you that I'm eight years old added to ten right now and therefore I want to sleep.”

“I'd tell you that you're not making any sense and I would kick your arse until you got up.”

“I hate you.”

“Likewise.”

“Are you really gonna make me go?”

“Yes.”

“Fine.”

The middle of the night was not ideal. James was exhausted and he would have loved to get a few more hours of sleep. But he had to admit that deep down, he had missed this. It had been a while since the Marauders had gotten together for one of their games or secret mission, and Peter was here, smiling, for the first time in months.

James owed him a lot. He missed him a lot too. So he got up from his bed without further protestations.

“You guys are bullies.”

Sirius gave a shrug before pointing at James ’ trunk at the foot of his bed. “We need the cloak too.”

James made a point of sighing dramatically.  “It’s like you can’t do anything without me.” As he unceremoniously threw the cloak over his friends’ heads, a crucial detail became apparent. “I can see your legs. We’re much too tall now, we can’t all fit under it.”

“It’s fine, Wormy can just go in your pocket.” Sirius’ disembodied voice sounded impatient but James wasn’t in the mood to be accommodating.

“No, he’s gonna miss everything.” It was true but James had ulterior motives. Operation Distraction would be a perfect opportunity for him to catch up with Peter, who he had barely seen lately. Which was James’ fault really. He hadn’t been the best of friends after Mary’s death, too engulfed in his own grief to help his friend go through his. None of it had been fair for Peter. “Moony can walk in front of us though,” James added. “Out of all of us, he’s the least likely to get in trouble.”

“Prefect privilege,” nodded Remus as he stepped out from under the cloak. “Makes sense.”

James slipped under the cloak and they were on their way. Honouring their tradition, they blew loud kisses to the Fat Lady ’s portrait upon leaving the common room, to which she answered with a wink. It felt like old times, when the world was a little less broken and little more whole.

James tried not to think about Lily. 

It was hard, harder than he cared to admit. But with Peter by his side, stepping on his foot at every turn, and with Sirius right behind them, humming muggle songs none of them knew, it all started to feel a little easier.

“How are you doing, Pete?” said James suddenly, and he cringed at his own awkwardness. Surely, there would have been better ways to start this conversation.

“I’m fine,” said the small boy. “Well, you know. Holding on.”

“D’you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Fair enough. Silence settled on the group as they climbed down a staircase, and that silence was nowhere near as comfortable as James would have hoped.

“So what are we gonna do about Ice Queen?” asked Sirius after a few minutes.

“Don't call her that.”

“Whatever. Honestly, I'm just mad because she's the only one I can talk to about music and you've gone and ruined that for me.”

“How?” 

“Well, you’re my best mate and she was mean to you! I can’t let that slide, you know. She’s Blacklisted as I like to call it.”

In front of them, Remus raised a threatening finger.  “If I hear one more pun, I swear I will turn this convoy around and cancel Operation Distraction.”

“You can talk about music with us you know,” said Peter tentatively, turning to Sirius.

“Nice try but no. I doubt any of you can appreciate the genius of the Sex Pistols.”

“Those muggle band names are just getting weirder and weirder,” mumbled James, and thankfully for him, Sirius didn't hear.

It wasn ’t long before they arrived to the fourth floor, which had been their favourite playground as kids. Most on the classroom on this floor were no longer in use, the library was closed at this time of the night and the only office nearby was Professor Binn’s, who had never shown any interest in anything closely or loosely related to students, bless his poor immortal soul.

One quick look at the Map told them Peeves was down in the kitchens, wrecking havoc amongst the house-elves, and that no one was anywhere close to them, so James stuffed the Invisibility Cloak into one of his pockets. The floor was quiet and the possibilities endless.

“Hide and seek?” said Peter with a slight smile. Had the suggestion come from anyone else James would have turned it down immediately, but it was Peter, and James could never say no to him. Especially not now.

“Hide and seek,” he nodded, before running away from the group at full speed. “And you’re seeking,” he added loudly above his shoulder. Laughter echoed in the small corridor behind him and he smiled as he turned a corner and pushed open the first door he saw.

The room he entered looked to be a disused classroom. Desks had been pushed against the walls, buried under neat piles of chairs and there was an upturned waste-paper basket collecting dust on the ground. Just in front of James, propped up against the wall, was something he had never seen in any of the other abandoned classrooms, something that looked newer and cleaner than anything else in the room.

It was a mirror, standing on two clawed feet, so tall it reached the ceiling. It had an ornate gold frame with a strange inscription carved at the top. 

At first, nothing felt out of place. It was his reflection in the mirror, looking back at him. The same hazel eyes and handsome face, the same broad shoulders and opinionated jaw. But just as he was about to look away, something in the glass caught his attention and made him cross the room to look more attentively.

It  _ was _ him, but a different version of him, one that was much older. There were wrinkles at the corner of his eyes, that he almost had missed. The frame of his glasses was different. His hair wasn't jet-black but lightly grey around the sides of his face, and the self-conscious hand he carried to his temple didn't raise in the reflection. 

There was a wedding band on his ring finger.

“Are you done admiring yourself, Prongs?” Sirius’ voice echoed on the stone walls as the door fell shut behind him.

“No,” James said, and the stranger in the mirror shot him a kind smile. “That's not me.”

Behind him, he felt his friend approaching, and in front of him, a man appeared behind his own reflection. It was Sirius yet it wasn't Sirius. He had the same haughty features and the same mischievous eyes, but there were lines on his forehead, carved out by time, and he had the beginning of a grey beard. He carried himself differently too, with less youthful energy, but with a cheerful smile and serene attitude that was worth a thousand years. 

“Why do we look so old?” Sirius's voice was laced with concern and James turned to him to see him frowning at his reflection. “Do you think this shows the future?”

In the glass of the mirror, old-Sirius smiled and laid a feather-light hand on old-James' shoulder. They looked happy, the both of them. Carefree. Like they had lived a long beautiful life and knew no regrets. James ’ chest hurt a little from looking at the two men, because it was a vision he desperately wanted to come true.

He wished to live long enough to have those dignified grey hair, and those happy wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. He wished to live long enough to one day look like his father, whose hands sometimes trembled a little too much and whose memory wasn ’t what it used to be, but who was still kind and funny, and the smartest person James had ever known. 

He wanted that wedding band around his finger. In the reflection it looked so naturally worn, like it had always been there, and his own hands felt naked now.

“I hope it shows the future,” he said. “I want to be that hot when I'm old.”

“Yeah, I thought that was what you'd say. What d'you think, Moony?”

A few steps behind them, Remus, who had entered silently, was reading the writing engraved in the frame of the mirror with a concentrated look on his face.

“Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi,” he read slowly. “That's not Latin, at least I don't think so.”

“What is it, then?”

“I don't know,” he admitted with a shrug. “But if that mirror is just left unattended in some abandoned classroom I doubt it's of any danger.”

“We don't care if it's dangerous, we just want to know if we can take it back to the dorm.”

“Absolutely not.”

“You're no fun, Moony. Can you please just reflect on it for one more minute?”

“That’s the second pun of the night, James. Operation Distraction is canceled and I hate all of you.”

“You love us, really.”

“I do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit of a filler chapter, I promise more (VERY) exciting things soon!


	46. The badge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy it!

The school year ended just as fast as it had unfolded. It had all been a blur of classes and exams and more classes, before they were all pushed onto the Hogwarts Express by the increasingly distraught staff. Things were worse than ever on the outside, and every week the Daily Prophet had an entire page dedicated to deaths and missing persons.

Yet life continued. It found ways in which it could. Sometimes it was beautiful, like in the way James jumped out of the train before it came to a stop and ran to his parents -crashed into them, really- before hugging them as lovingly as he could. Sometimes it was magical, like in the way Fleamont Potter had called Sirius his son, when he had joined them onto the platform. Sometimes it was painful, like in the way Lily had smiled at James above her mother ’s shoulder, a tight, tired smile he did not return.

Then the days had melted into each other. Bright and warm, summer had been a welcomed pause from the franticness of those last days of school. Being with his parents for the first time in months made James realise just how much he had missed them.

So it was all the more painful, when he found himself unable to spend as much time as he wanted with them. Yes, life was cruel that way. When Sirius and him were not confined in their rooms, they were politely asked to entertain themselves outside. As if they were children.

They didn ’t mind it the first time, nor did they question the purpose of the dozens of wizards coming and going from the Potter Manor. But after an entire week of the same pattern repeating, they grew curious and started pushing for answers.

“Later,” always said Euphemia. “You’re not old enough.”

“Is it about the war?” always replied James. “Because if we are old enough to see our friends die, I think we’re old enough for a meeting about the war.”

“James, sweetheart, I love you. But you’re too young.”

And the door of Euphemia ’s study closed again and again, leaving the boys out. They had tried every spell they knew, given their best polite smiles and questioning eyes, all in vain. And when Fleamont had offered them to invite Remus and Peter over for the rest of the holidays, in exchange for their promise to not fly up to the windows of the study on their brooms to listen in on the meetings, they had accepted immediately.

It felt a bit dishonest, because in no way did they intend to keep that promise, but Fleamont should know better than to trust them, so it didn ’t seem like a real betrayal.

Remus and Peter arrived in early August, and were just as intrigued by what was going on as James and Sirius. Quickly, they established a routine of watching the people entering and leaving, and they even kept a list of their names and what they knew about them.

Amongst the people they knew were McGonagall, Dumbledore and two of the Prewett brothers as well as Alice and Frank. More than anything, the fact that Alice was allowed to participate in those secret activities drove James up the wall. She was barely two years older than him.

“I’m of age!” he argued with Fleamont over and over again. “If she can be a part of this, why can’t I?”

“Alice is a trained Auror and you’re still in school.”

“But I-...”

“There will be no further discussion. We love you, son. But you’re just too young.”

It was infuriating.

From what they gathered from their various spying sessions, this mysterious group hosted by the Potters called themselves the Order of the Phoenix, and was led by Dumbledore. Amongst the members, Remus recognised a few people that healed him after the attack on Hogsmeade, and James was losing his mind over his parent ’s involvement in an organisation he could only assume was dangerous.

They were too old for this. They should have been planning their retirement, kitting on the porch, reading newspapers and baking biscuits. Not this. Not hosting a vigilante group, fighting for justice against mass killers and supremacists.

It was a terrible way to grow old. It was a terrible way to grow up, too.

A terrible way to live.

So the Marauders spent their summer chasing after squirrels in the Potters ’ yard, zooming on brooms in the forest, getting covered in mud and leaves and moss, soaking in what they all knew was their last summer as boys. Because they all knew they would soon need to be men.

They were in the backyard throwing stones in the pond when the owl arrived. There was only one, but it carried four envelopes, one for each of them, stamped with the Hogwarts emblem.

James untied the envelopes from the owl ’s leg before distributing them to his friends and opening his own. Inside were two pieces of parchment: the first one was the usual reminder that term started on the first of September, the second one was the list of manuals they would need to acquire. The third one James had never received before, and he had to read it three times over to understand its meaning.

It couldn ’t be.

He turned the envelope upside-down in his hand, and a red and gold badge fell in the palm of his hand.

But it couldn ’t be. He couldn’t be...

“Head boy?” he read softly, still in disbelief.

The concerned tone in his voice alerted his friends, who raised their heads to look at him.

“What’d you say, Prongs?”

“I- I think I’m Head Boy.” James adjusted his glasses on his face, blinked and frowned at the paper, but nothing he did changed the words he read. Past the first second of hesitation, Sirius leapt forward and grabbed the letter from James’ hands.

“Are you sure this isn’t meant for Moony?”

“No, it’s- it’s mine. I mean, it says my name on the letter.”

There was a pause in which Sirius quickly scanned the paper with his eyes, then turned it around as if he was expecting to see the definite proof that this was some kind of prank. Peter was staring, mouth agape, and Remus looked uncharacteristically lost.

“Well, it’s official,” finally said Sirius.” Dumbledore’s lost his mind. I knew he was much too old to still be headmaster.”

“He must have his reasons,” said Remus, holding out his hand. “Give it here.”

Sirius handed the letter over to Remus who inspected it carefully, while Peter almost broke his neck trying to read above his shoulder.

“Congrats, mate.”

“Thanks.”

“I wonder who’s the Head Girl.”

James didn ’t. He knew who it was, who it had to be, because fate was too cruel to pass on such a golden opportunity to make his life a living hell.

But he simply shrugged.

“My parents are gonna to freak out.”

“Yeah, they will.”

And they did. The same evening, Euphemia and Fleamont threw a massive party to celebrate. Nothing too eccentric, but there  _ were  _ five different types of cake and a chocolate fountain. It was one of the only moments James truly got to spend with his parents this summer, and they were to board the Hogwarts Express only three days later. It was bittersweet, this feeling. 

The letter from Hogwarts had told what would be expected of him as Head Boy, including the instructions he was supposed to give to the rest of the prefects in their carriage in the Hogwarts Express. Needless to say, although he had learn that list by heart, it was immediately wiped from his mind the second he set foot on the platform.

Seeing all the students, all so young and so small in their uniforms, rushing inside the train with excited smiles, it made it all real. He was responsible for them and for their safety. It seemed liked an immense, impossible task, to care for all of them at the same time. He didn ’t want that responsibility, never asked for it.

He wasn ’t mature enough, not grown-up enough, as Lily had told him a thousand times last year. How was he supposed to keep those kids safe and disciplined, when he himself was the least disciplined kid around?

Euphemia straightened the shining badge on James ’ chest and made a last desperate attempt at flattening his hair.

“Be good, do good, write to us and give our best to Dumbledore,” she said, pulling him into a tight hug.

“That’s a lot of things, I’m not sure if I can manage all of that.”

“James Fleamont Potter...”

“I will, mom. Promise.” She gave him a loving pat on the cheek before turning to Sirius. Peter was already loading their trunks inside the train, and Remus was a few feet away, kneeling in front of a crying little girl who seemed to have lost her family in the crowd.

He was good at this. It came naturally to him, helping others. He was the obvious choice for Head Boy, or at least that was what everyone thought. James didn ’t have his patience or his subtlety, he never knew what to say when someone was crying, and of course he was willing to help, he always was, but he didn’t know  _ how _ .

That was why getting the position had been a shock to him. He had done nothing to deserve it. Remus on the other hand... And yet, past the initial surprise, Remus had been nothing but happy for his friend. Not an ounce of jealousy, never, or if there was, he hid it well. 

What a perfect, perfect man.

“Ready to go, mate?” Sirius tapped James on the shoulder and they hugged their parents goodbye one last time before entering the train. Remus joined them a second later, and they set out to their usual carriage to find Peter.

Once they got there, James slumped on the seat next to Peter and closed his eyes, trying to enjoy the last few seconds he would spend with his friends before leaving to the Prefect carriage. Thank Merlin, Remus was going to come with him. He probably wouldn ’t have survived it on his own.

The train was just beginning to leave the station when the door of the carriage slid open. 

“Remus, it’s time.” The voice made James jump, because he didn’t expect it, not here, not now. He snapped his eyes opened, and it was Lily standing at the door, and it was the Head Girl badge pinned proudly on her chest, because how could it not be?

“Potter, give Remus back his badge.” It hurt, how she wouldn’t look at him in the eye. How she wouldn’t call him by his name, like she used to.

“It’s mine.” 

“What?”

“It’s my badge, Lily.” He struggled to control his tone, for he wanted it to be flat and emotionless, like he didn’t care that she was standing here. Like his heart hadn’t jumped to his throat, like his breath didn’t catch. Like he wasn’t about to tell her exactly what she didn’t want to hear. “I’m Head Boy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was very short, I hope you still liked it!
> 
> Now this is going to be me being overly dramatic and emotional, please ignore me, it's just my monthly mental breakdown. 
> 
> This might be the last chapter in a while, because I've been feeling like a lot of readers have really disengaged from this story and it's really breaking my heart, because this fic means so much to me and I really love it. I know I can't please everyone, but a lot of people have just stopped reading and because of that it's been hard to find motivation to write lately. Hopefully it passes soon and I can get a chapter out quickly, but right now it seems like I can't keep posting one chapter a week. I'm very sorry, and I love you all so much, I'm not abandoning this work, far from it, I'm just gonna need a little time to get back into the rythm of things. Thank you for understanding!! <3


	47. Rounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEEP BEEP IM BACK (on a Thursday who would have thought)
> 
> Thank you so much everyone for having been so patient with me, the amount of love and support I've received through this fic is overwhelming, you are all so kind and wonderful and I am beyond grateful for you.  
> This chapter has actually been written for a while, I've just been too nervous to post it! But hopefully you'll enjoy it, I'll be over here crossing all of my fingers.
> 
> Love you all! <3

“What, you don’t think I’m capable of doing this?”

“I do, I just- I just don’t think I can work like this with you, I’m sorry!”

The train ride to Hogwarts had not gone particularly well. For the first time, James had been expected to patrol in the corridor, instead of lounging in the comfort of a private compartment. He hated it. 

In fact, everything had been nightmarish until the Sorting ceremony, in which he had enjoyed a quick break from responsibilities before being pulled back in, right as the feast started. A little boy had started to cry loudly at the Gryffindor table, scared and unhappy of not having been sorted into Slytherin, and James had had to comfort him while simultaneously breaking up the beginning of a food battle.

Everything was overwhelming and Lily wasn ’t of any help. She didn’t look at him, or much less talk to him, not until after all the students had gone to bed and the madness had gone down.

They were patrolling in the corridors of the Gryffindor Tower, trying to keep their voices low and failing miserably. James was furious and Lily matched his tone exactly.

“What do you mean you can’t work with me? We were friends! You told me we were! What the fuck changed?”

“Everything!” Her voice was strained and her eyes tired. “Everything changed, James! You, me, the world, everything is changing everyday!”

“You’re not making any sense!” James clenched his jaw. She was frustrating. In the best of ways. She was always moving, never the same, forcing James to adapt quickly to follow her line of thinking. Arguing with her was like playing a Quidditch game, except the adrenaline rush was better and made his heart beat faster.

“Listen to me Lily, I promise you we can work well together, you just have to give this a chance and stop tuning me out!”

“I don’t do that,” Lily’s voice got softer all of a sudden, and she titled her head as if offended by the accusation.

“Yes, you do, you did this all night.”

She frowned and her eyes darkened as she passed her hand through her hair. For the first time since the arguing had started, she seemed destabilized, like she didn ’t know what to answer.

“I’m sorry if I did,” she said finally. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like you were alone in this. It’s... overwhelming, I’ve been Head Girl for less than a day and I’ve barely managed to keep my head above the water. I didn’t expect it to be this hard and this demanding. And being paired with you, of all people... You have no experience as a perfect, and we can’t say we get along perfectly.”

James huffed. That was an understatement. 

Sure, they got along sometimes. He had a distant memory of late nights spent talking in the common room when everyone else was asleep, and those kind of nights were his favourites. They could talk about everything and nothing for hours and never get bored, because they were just that in sync.

But most of the time, they were unyielding forces in a never ending battle, and sparks flew when they got too close. She was fire, and he was the wind teasing her.

“No, you’re right,” James said. “We don’t get along most of the times. But I love it.”

Lily smiled when she looked at him and it sent his heart fluttering against his ribcage.

“I do too,” she said softly. “And I have to admit... I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me. After last year... Well, I- I never got the chance to apologize. I thought you’d be angry. You should be angry.”

“I was.” James interrupted. “For a while I was. But I’m over it, I know you can’t force your feelings. Right now, I just want my friend back, that’s it.”

“Thank you.” There was something in the way she said the words without looking at him, something in the way she carried herself, carefully, beautifully. There was something different about her and James couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

They kept walking and when their fingers brushed against each other James stuffed his hand in his pocket. She was driving him crazy and he loved it. And he hated that he loved it. Everything was complicated, tangled into a giant mess of feelings she couldn ’t reciprocate. It was fine, he told himself. He was happy simply walking with her, talking to her, working alongside her as Head Boy and Head Girl.

“I am sorry, you know. About what I said.”

He hadn ’t expected her to speak. She was looking at him with such intensity suddenly he didn’t know what to do.

“It’s okay,” he said softly, because it really was.

“It really isn’t.”

There was a pause in which neither of them said anything, silence saturated by all the things left unsaid. There was so many, and they both knew it.

“Did I ruin everything?” she said. James turned to look at her and there was such anguish, such pain in her eyes that he stopped dead in his tracks.

“No, no, of course not.”

“I feel like I did,” she said, and she shifted on her feet to face him, guilt written so deeply in her eyes that it broke James’ heart. “It was- well, it was perfect that moment, wasn’t it?” She didn’t have to say which, James knew exactly what she was talking about. That moment when she had leaned it, staring at his lips, he had replayed it over and over in his head. He wished it could be forever.

“Yeah. Yeah, it was.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, so low it was barely audible, but she was so close and it was so quiet that James heard it.

“Don’t be.”

“No, it’s not that, I- I’m sorry because I lied.”

“What?”

“Ask me again.”

“What?” He didn’t understand. Everything was too fast suddenly, but her eyes, her eyes fixated on his, they kept him grounded, they kept him cool.

“Ask me again, James.” He understood. In a heartbeat, he understood.

“Do you like me, Lily?”

“I do.”

And everything came crashing down.

Suddenly they were magnets, two mighty, incredible, unyielding forces, pulled to each other by something greater than themselves. They crashed together, lips meeting, hungry and taunting. Her teeth grazed against his bottom lip and he pulled her closer because he wanted more. More of her, more of  _ everything _ .

It was urgency and precipitation and passion, oh so much passion. He couldn ’t breathe but he didn’t need air, he needed  _ her _ . She tasted of apples and of everything he couldn ’t have, everything that was forbidden and sacred.

Her hand on the back of his head, messing up his hair, was something he never knew he needed, but now he wasn ’t sure how he had ever lived without it. He would drown in her perfume if he could. She was intoxicating, addicting, and she was everywhere.

His heart broke when she pulled away from him, her lips red and swollen, her eyes filled with tears.

“Why are you crying?”

“I shouldn’t have done this.” She took a step back and everything fell apart. She was going to leave. Again.

It was the last thing he should be doing, but James grabbed her wrist before she could get away, and held her there, softly but firmly. She would not run away again, she would not ignore him again, she would not break his heart again. He wouldn ’t be able to take it.

“Don’t you dare run away from me, Evans. Not again. We’re gonna talk about it, whether you want it or not.”

More tears ran on her cheeks and James forced himself to be strong. To hold his head up high and resist the urge to kiss her again.

“Lily, talk to me,” he said, and it was a supplication more than it was a request.

“I CAN’T,” she snapped. “I CAN’T DO THIS, OKAY?” Angry and vibrant with passion. With fear. There were more tears on her cheeks than James could handle seeing.

“Why can’t you?” It was merely a whisper, because everything inside of him was broken and he wasn’t sure he could ever function again.

“Blood traitors are in just as much danger as Muggleborns.” The answer came quiet. Devastating.

It took James a second for the words to register in his brain, for him to understand the implications. Then it clicked. Something he had never dared to even hope, it was true, it was true.

“Are you worried about me, Lily?”

“Yes. Obviously, I am, yes. James, I... I can’t lose you, I don’t want to lose you, and that’s why I can’t have you.”

“I’m already a blood traitor though, my entire family is. Being with you isn’t what’s putting me in danger. And I don’t care what people think, I don’t care if dating you makes me a target. I don’t care about danger, I care about you.”

“James, we can’t. I won’t risk it, I won’t compromise your safety for selfish reasons, I...” She bit her lip and looked away, the words she would not speak still caught in her eyes. “This,” she gestured at the air in between them. “This, between us, this cannot happen. No matter how much I want it, and believe me, I want it.”

James didn ’t know how to feel. He was caught between two opposite emotions, gigantic monsters tearing him in half. She wanted him. She had said so. That was all he ever had wanted to hear and he had heard it. Yet his heart was shattered and a million glass pieces cut holes in his chest.

They couldn ’t be together.

What hurt most was that he understood. Because no matter how different they were, no matter how much they argued. They understood each other.

And they couldn ’t be together.

“Can I kiss you again?” He didn’t have time to stop himself from asking. He didn’t have the courage.

“Yeah,” she breathed.

They closed the gap there was between them and their lips pressed against each other. It was goodbye, goodbye, goodbye to the girl that he loved, the girl that loved him too.

Because from the raw, passionate way she kissed him, from the way her hand was cupping his face, delicately, James could tell she loved him too.

But it was goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, I can never have you. 

 

Goodbye, I love you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just been informed that this sounded A LOT like a fic ending, and OMG IT IS NOT, there are more chapters coming, I swear!!! Maybe not next week, maybe not the week after that, but they are coming, promise! 
> 
> Hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think!! <3


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